The Clothes Have No Emperor Part 31

Talk show host Oprah Winfrey the nation's most renowned dieter brings out a wheelbarrow loaded with 65 pounds of fat, the better to demonstrate exactly how much weight she's lost.

11/15/88.

"The Secret Service is under orders that if Bush is shot, to shoot Quayle."

--Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) telling a joke he will quickly apologize for 11/16/88.

Despite his claim during the debate that he knows her, Dan Quayle is not invited to the Reagan Administration's state dinner for Margaret Thatcher.

11/17/88.

George Bush pays off some more campaign debts, naming New Hampshire Governor John Sununu as White House chief of staff and campaign manager Lee At.w.a.ter as the new Republican party head.

11/18/88.

Marilyn Quayle gives up her quixotic quest to take over Dan's Senate seat. Observes one relieved Indiana Republican, "That was very smart. I think the only person pushing her was her."

11/21/88.

The Reagans break ground for his presidential library near Los Angeles. Nancy, as she is apt to do in such situations, almost falls down.

11/21/88.

Richard Nixon who was 40 when he became Vice President meets with Dan Quayle. "I was very surprised," he says afterward. "He is a very different man from the intellectual midget who has been portrayed among the media."

11/24/88.

Washington Post: REAGAN POCKET-VETOES STRICTER ETHICS RULES 11/30/88.

Dan Quayle says one of the lessons he learned from the campaign is not to talk so much. "Verbosity," he explains, "leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

DECEMBER 1988.

12/2/88.

"The thing is if you control the Senate meetings, you control the gavel. And the gavel is a very important instrument ... an instrument of power. An instrument that establishes the agenda."

--Dan Quayle suggesting that he's considering presiding over the Senate, a notion he has not yet discussed with newly-elected Majority Leader George Mitch.e.l.l and Minority Leader Bob Dole 12/6/88.

"We have people making hundreds of dollars a week living in our shelters. We have people who go to work with briefcases, rather nice, spiffy."

--Ed Koch proposing that homeless people taking refuge in city shelters be charged rent, explaining, "It's all part of character building"

12/6/88.

With his first new alb.u.m in years about to be released, Roy Orbison dies at 52 of a heart attack.

12/8/88.

President Reagan holds his 44th and final news conference, for an average of one every 66.4 days. As he has at almost every previous one, he blames the Congress and previous Democratic Presidents for his budget deficits. The New York Times The New York Times calls him "a defensive old man." calls him "a defensive old man."

12/13/88.

With five weeks left in office, President Reagan delivers his farewell address on domestic policy, in which he continues to deny that his defense spending increases and tax cuts were in any way responsible for the $155 billion deficit, blaming instead an "iron triangle" of Congressmen, lobbyists and journalists.

12/14/88.

Market consultant Faith Popcorn says she expects Barbara Bush to usher in a new acceptance of the Older Lady. "What's wrong with looking 60," she asks, "instead of looking like an anorexic 12-year-old?"

12/16/88.

After making high ethical standards one of the mainstays of his campaign, George Bush nominates John Tower whose personal life has been the subject of considerable media scrutiny to run the Pentagon. "I woke up every morning and laughed myself silly over what I was reading in the newspapers," says the nominee, no doubt exaggerating his glee at reports of his drinking, womanizing and coziness with defense contractors.

12/16/88.

Texas judge Jack Hampton says he gave an 18-year-old killer a lighter sentence because his two victims were gay. "These two guys who got killed wouldn't have been killed if they hadn't been cruising the streets picking up teenage boys," he explains.

12/22/88.

President Reagan whose tenure has coincided with a huge increase in the homeless population uses his last interview with David Brinkley to again claim that many of these unfortunates are homeless by "their own choice," as must be many of the jobless, since he again points out that the Sunday papers are full of want ads. Asked how an actor could handle the presidency, Reagan says he's wondered "how you could do this job and not be an actor."

12/22/88.

New York Times: JETLINER CARRYING 258 TO U.S. CRASHES IN SCOTTISH TOWN / ALL BELIEVED DEAD 12/23/88.

New York Times: PAN AM WAS TOLD OF TERROR THREAT / U.S. EMBa.s.sY IN FINLAND WAS TIPPED OFF 2 WEEKS AGO 12/26/88.

"These aren't 'animals,' these are wild quail ... I don't think I could shoot a deer. Quail that's something else again."

--George Bush embarking on a hunting trip in Texas, displaying a unique perspective on biology and becoming the second politician to publicly link the words "shoot" and "Quayle"

12/27/88.

President Reagan visits his new office in the penthouse of the Fox Plaza, the Los Angeles high-rise used as the location for the terrorist movie Die Hard Die Hard.

JANUARY 1989.

1/3/89.

Michael Dukakis announces that he will not seek re-election as Governor of Ma.s.sachusetts in 1990. He does not rule out another race for the presidency, though millions of Democrats rule it out for him.

1/4/89.

With tension mounting over the possible production of chemical weapons in Libya, US Navy warplanes shoot down two Libyan fighter jets. President Reagan, it is announced, was awakened at 2:53 a.m. with the news.

1/5/89.

The Reagans return to the White House for the last time, with the President having spent a total of 458 days of his reign in California.

1/9/89.

President Reagan delivers his final budget. Though the nation's 17 nuclear weapons plants have been so carelessly maintained as to present a public health threat, he calls for under $1 billion to start their $138 billion rehabilitation.

1/11/89.

"All great change in America begins at the dinner table. So tomorrow night in the kitchen, I hope the talking begins. And children, if your parents haven't been teaching you what it means to be an American, let 'em know and nail 'em on it. That would be a very American thing to do."

--President Reagan taking the opportunity of his farewell speech to the nation to suggest that children should monitor their parents for sufficient patriotism 1/15/89.

In a 60 Minutes 60 Minutes interview airing on Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday, President Reagan again citing his half-century- old support for desegregation of baseball as proof of his commitment to equality suggests that many civil rights leaders are just using racism to promote themselves. "Sometimes I wonder if they really want what they say they want," he says, pointing out that they are "doing very well leading organizations based on keeping alive the feeling that they're victims of prejudice." interview airing on Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday, President Reagan again citing his half-century- old support for desegregation of baseball as proof of his commitment to equality suggests that many civil rights leaders are just using racism to promote themselves. "Sometimes I wonder if they really want what they say they want," he says, pointing out that they are "doing very well leading organizations based on keeping alive the feeling that they're victims of prejudice."

1/15/89.

Roger Sandler, who claims he is owed $1,500 for the unauthorized and uncredited use of two of his photos in Michael Reagan's book, finds a message from the President's son on his answering machine: "I hope your f.u.c.king family dies in a plane crash with you in it."

1/17/89.

"We found that the independent counsel's report far from vindicates Mr. Meese; rather, it details conduct which should not be tolerated of any government employee, especially not the attorney general of the United States."

--Justice Department report on the ethics of Ed Meese 1/18/89.

Washington Post: REAGAN REJECTS JUSTICE DEPT. CRITICISM OF MEESE / PRESIDENT BELIEVES REPORT MAY BE WORK OF 'POLITICAL ENEMIES,' WHITE HOUSE SAYS 1/18/89.

President Reagan greets the undefeated Notre Dame team at the White House, where he is presented with George Gipp's actual monogrammed sweater, to the fury of alumni who feel it belongs at the University and not in the possession of an actor whose sentimental portrayal of Gipp had little to do with the hard-drinking, profane, carousing character he actually was.

1/18/89.

New York Times: REAGAN'S RATING IS BEST SINCE 40'S FOR A PRESIDENT / FINAL APPROVAL IS AT 68% / POPULARITY OF 8-YEAR TENURE HAS MARKEDLY INCREASED TRUST IN GOVERNMENT 1/19/89.

"He has got this deep compa.s.sion for people ... I have never seen anybody that is just as committed to people as George Bush is. Now, that's the kind of Administration he's gonna have."

--Dan Quayle on CBS This Morning CBS This Morning 1/19/89.

The Reagans spend their last night in the White House. So, despite Nancy's long-ago offer of altruism, they didn't move out early, after all.

1/20/89.

As his wife decked out in a little blue sailor's hat looks on, Dan Quayle takes as much of the Vice Presidential oath of office as Justice Sandra Day O'Connor (who leaves out six words) administers to him. He a.s.sumes office nonetheless, a.s.suring the nation, at best, four years of vague unease. George Bush, who has spent the past eight years "blindly" supporting his President, implies in his inaugural address that maybe the greed and materialism has gotten a bit out of hand. "A new breeze is blowing," says the new President. "The new breeze blows." As the Reagans depart, the backwash of their helicopter blows the little blue sailor's hat right off Marilyn Quayle's head.

At 3:30 p.m. the Reagans' last official flight on a presidential jet ends at Los Angeles International Airport. As a fitting ending to their glamorous reign, they are welcomed home by mega-star Rich Little. When Little claims that imitating Reagan gave him a "terrible urge to run off with Nancy," the former First Lady throws her head back in supposedly helpless laughter.

The former President jokes that he'd been asked to appear in "a remake of Bedtime for Bonzo Bedtime for Bonzo only this time they wanted me to play Bonzo." He promises to "keep on campaigning out there on the mashed-potato circuit" for those same causes that so captivated the voters during his tenure: the line-item veto and the balanced budget amendment. Little then presents them with enormous California license plates "THE PREZ" and "F L NANCY" to add to their collection of absurdly oversized props. Finally, after eight years as a President and his First Lady, the Reagans wave to their fans, climb into their limo and head for the Bel Air home their friends have bought for them, at 666 St. Cloud. only this time they wanted me to play Bonzo." He promises to "keep on campaigning out there on the mashed-potato circuit" for those same causes that so captivated the voters during his tenure: the line-item veto and the balanced budget amendment. Little then presents them with enormous California license plates "THE PREZ" and "F L NANCY" to add to their collection of absurdly oversized props. Finally, after eight years as a President and his First Lady, the Reagans wave to their fans, climb into their limo and head for the Bel Air home their friends have bought for them, at 666 St. Cloud.

EPILOGUE.

On November 5, 1994, Ronald Reagan releases a handwritten letter to the public revealing that he's been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. (His son Ron later writes that he believes the early stages of the disease were setting in by 1987, and more than a few viewers of the 1984 debates would move that date back a few years.) He dies on June 5, 2004, almost four months after the 54th anniversary of his 39th birthday.

APPENDIX.

THE CRITICS SPEAK.

"Ronald Reagan is merely an anthology of the worst of American popular culture, edited for television."

-- Media critic Mark Crispin Miller "An amiable dunce."

--Former Defense Secretary Clark Clifford "G.o.d, he's a bore. And a bad actor. Besides, he has a low order of intelligence. With a certain cunning. And not animal cunning. Human cunning. Animal cunning is too fine an expression for him. He's inflated, he's egotistical. He's one of those people who thinks he's right. And he's not right. He's not right about anything."

--Director John Huston "Look at the Reagan of the 1930s: a no-talent jerk with looks, charm, and a line of blarney who talks himself into one cushy job after another ... Then come the 1950s. In return for his manful anti-communistical efforts in the screen actors' union, the pimps, procurers, and purveyors of popular culture who own stage, screen and radio arrange for him to be paid off with a job selling General Electric toasters on TV and smarmy right-wing politics on the chicken-croquette circuit. How humiliating to think of this unlettered, self-a.s.sured b.u.mpkin being our president."

--Journalist Nicholas von Hoffman "I would never refuse an a.s.signment unless it completely repelled me. In 1980, a national magazine asked me to go to Santa Barbara to photograph the President[-elect] at his ranch. Well, I hate Santa Barbara and, far worse, I hate Reagan. I can't ignore my feelings and just make a pretty picture."

--Photographer Ansel Adams "It takes deep bravery to be fearless about one's own hypocrisy. Politicians of average duplicity cower at being found out. Not Reagan."

--Columnist Colman McCarthy "If we told Reagan to walk outside, turn around three times, pick up an acorn, and throw it out to the crowd, we'd be lucky to get a question from him asking, 'Why?'"

--Unnamed White House aide "He's melting. No one's noticed yet, but he is is melting. We're talking about a semi-solid ma.s.s with dark hair. If the Democrats had come out and just said, 'He's melting,' I think they would have done much better." melting. We're talking about a semi-solid ma.s.s with dark hair. If the Democrats had come out and just said, 'He's melting,' I think they would have done much better."

--Actress/writer Carrie Fisher "A high-powered cheerleader for our worst instincts, a nasty man whose major talent is to make us feel good about being creepy and who lets us pretend that tomorrow will never come."

--Activist Roger Wilkins "His answer to any questions about young men being killed for some vague and perhaps non-existent reason in Central America has been to smile, nod, wave a hand and walk on. And America applauds, thus proving that senility is a communicable disease."

--Columnist Jimmy Breslin "Poor dear, there's nothing between his ears."

--British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher "I dig the cat. He's spontaneous. A lot of times he'll blurt stuff out I can relate to that."

--Van Halen replacement lead singer Sammy Hagar "Reagan swaggering around. Poor old thing! He's about as masculine as Marjorie Main. He was never a symbol of masculinity though he sort of plays it ... There is something rather grandmotherly about Reagan. And then again, he's rather boyish. Between the two, he comes off as non-threatening ... He isn't popular. There isn't anything about his policies anybody likes. The pollsters' questions are so dumb: 'Do you find him a nice old thing who makes you feel good when he honks away on the box?' 'Yes, he's a nice old thing who makes me feel good when he honks away on the box.' Well, that isn't an endors.e.m.e.nt of war in Nicaragua."

--Author Gore Vidal "His errors glide past unchallenged ... The general message of the American press is that, yes, while it is perfectly true that the emperor has no clothes, nudity is actually very acceptable this year."

--British journalist Simon Hoggart "He was truly one of the strangest men who's ever lived. n.o.body around him understood him ... Every person I interviewed, almost without exception, eventually would say, 'You know, I could never really figure him out.'"

--Biographer Edmund Morris

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS.

I am beyond grateful for all of the friends and colleagues too numerous to list here but they know who they are who endured and/or joined in my ranting over the years about the main characters in this book.

Special thanks to Robbie Conal for the use of his brilliant portrait; Adrienne Martin for the cover design; Kristina Romero for the book design; and my wife Liz Dubelman and VidLit Press for resurrecting the book and bringing it into the e-book era. for resurrecting the book and bringing it into the e-book era.