The Cat and Fiddle Book Part 6

DRAKE. I've thought for a long time he had a grudge against you.

GANDER. Yes, ever since the day that I flapped two of his horrid little children into the pond.

DRAKE. Serve them right. It will teach them to come rushing about the farmyard as if it belonged to them.

GANDER. And they're so rude, too. Just imagine, the other day one of them said to me, "Hallo, goosey-poosey"! I ask you, _is_ that the way to speak to a gander?

DRAKE. Monstrous!

GANDER. I sometimes feel inclined to go up to the castle and complain to the Countess.

DRAKE. Well, why don't you? It's not far across the fields.

GANDER. Oh yes, I know the way to the castle gates, but when I got inside it I should be wandering upstairs and downstairs and in my lady's chamber, and not know where I was. But still, something must be done about that bailiff.

DRAKE. And the way he comes prancing along on his dapple-grey pony, as if no one could ride a spirited animal but himself!

GANDER. Look, here he comes!

[_The BAILIFF rides in on hobby horse and curvets and prances round on stage, and rides into middle where GANDER and DRAKE are standing._

BAILIFF. Now then, you birds! Get out of the way, can't you?

[_He hits at them with his stick. The GANDER and DRAKE flap their wings, hiss and quack, and scurry out of the way. BAILIFF hitches his horse to the gate by the bridle and walks into the middle of the road, bends down, and looks at where the hole had been._

GANDER [_to_ DRAKE]. There now, you see. I told you he did it.

[_FARMER GILES comes slowly out and leans over gate at back C._

BAILIFF [_still in road_]. Morning, Farmer Giles.

FARMER GILES [_pipe in mouth, nods sideways_]. Morning.

BAILIFF. I came to have a look at the road. I'm glad to see that the hole's quite gone.

GANDER [_to_ DRAKE]. Listen to him, glorying in it!

FARMER GILES. Oh ay, they had a grand mending of it. They filled it and rolled it, and they filled it and they rolled it, and they filled it and they rolled it, and then, they filled it and they rolled it again.

BAILIFF. And they've made a good job of it, too.

GANDER [_to_ DRAKE]. Let's show him we don't like it.

[_They stand in the middle of the road and flap and hiss and quack._

BAILIFF. Those birds are intolerable.

FARMER GILES [_smiling_]. I expect they're looking for their puddle, poor things. They was always splashing about in it.

BAILIFF. Then they'll have to do without it, that's all. [_GANDER comes up near him and flaps at him. BAILIFF unties hobby horse._] That's a vicious gander of yours, Farmer Giles. He nearly drowned my children the other day. It really isn't safe.

FARMER GILES. Ah, the little uns was teasing of him, I daresay. It'll do them no harm to be learned how to behave in the farmyard.

BAILIFF [_mounting his horse_]. Well, he had better not do it again.

[_Shakes his stick at GANDER. GANDER rushes at him. They fight.

DRAKE and GANDER peck and flap. BAILIFF beats them with his stick. GANDER gets hold of his coat with his beak. BAILIFF beats him off. FARMER GILES looks on, smoking and smiling._

BAILIFF. My best coat! Look! this is intolerable. I shall go straight to the castle and complain to her ladyship. [_Gallops off R._

FARMER GILES [_to_ GANDER]. Look here, old boy, you must behave yourself, mind, or you'll get into trouble.

[_Goes back through gate and off L._

GANDER. Quick, we must follow that old wretch to the castle and hear what he's saying. Come on, Drakey. How fast can you waddle?

DRAKE. Oh, a good pace. I can do a mile an hour easy.

GANDER. Capital. Come along then. [_They waddle out R._

CURTAIN

SCENE II

_The COUNTESS'S Boudoir. A table R. slanting to the audience with ornamental mirror standing on it. A door at back, L.C. Door in R.H.

corner, back labelled_ "Secret staircase to dungeon." _The COUNTESS sitting at the table looking at herself in the mirror. MELISSA, her maid, standing, with a hat in her hand trimmed with flowers._

COUNTESS. Now, Melissa, give me my garden hat, please. I feel inclined to go down to the farm.

MELISSA [_bringing the hat_]. Your ladyship is so fond of the farm.

COUNTESS. Indeed I am, and of the live stock there. I should like to direct it all myself, but I don't think the bailiff would like it. He is rather tiresome sometimes.

MELISSA. Still, my lady, he is a most honest man, and his accounts, as your ladyship always says, are a marvel.

COUNTESS. Oh yes, in many ways he is excellent, I know, and yet he is not popular with the poultry--no doubt of that.

MELISSA. That is true. He doesn't seem to get on with the gander.

COUNTESS. Such a pity. I like the gander myself--he is always very civil to me.

MELISSA [_laughing_]. Really, my lady, he seems such a sensible bird, sometimes you would really think he understood what you say.

[_They both laugh. A knock at the door._

COUNTESS. Melissa! [_Points to door._