The Cat and Fiddle Book Part 14

MRS. P. It's enough to make him abdicate.

HUMPTY. The King's not coming, you silly old things, it's his horses and men.

MRS. D. You're a rude boy, and you're to go and wash your face at once.

HUMPTY. Well, I don't mind, just for once--it's nearly a week since I last did, and it's Monday--that's the day my face goes to the wash.

[_Exit._

MRS. D. Hadn't you best stop and see the procession with us, Mrs.

Pringle? It would be a nice change for you instead of looking at your Billy all day----

MRS. P. You're not very civil-spoken, Mrs. Dumpty, but I _do_ like to see a procession when I can. But I'm hardly fit to be seen like this.

I'd best slip home and put on my new shawl.

MRS. D. Well, if you do that, I'll just pop on my Sunday bonnet--it won't take a minute.

[_MRS. P. exit L., MRS. D. C. at back. Exeunt. Enter HUMPTY._

HUMPTY. Hurrah--they've both gone--I'll get on the wall. [_Climbs up._]

I can see beautifully now. I expect the procession will soon be coming----Yes, I can hear them. Oh, what fun!

[_Enter MRS. D._

MRS. D. Oh, you naughty boy, didn't I tell you not to get on the wall without me holding you?

HUMPTY. I'm all right--I shall see them beautifully from here.

MRS. D. Don't jump about like that--you'll fall off for a certainty.

HUMPTY. Oh, let me alone. Can't you hear them coming?

MRS. D. Take care, Humpty, take care. What did I say...!

[_HUMPTY falls off--this must be done by jumping from the wall and rolling over. MRS. D. flies to pick him up. HUMPTY groans. Enter MRS. P._

MRS. P. Here I am, Mrs. Dumpty. Why, what's that down there?

MRS. D. It's Humpty. He's been and fallen off the wall, and I can't get him up again.

MRS. P. Here, let me try. Give me your hand, Humpty.

MRS. D. No, it's no use, he is so heavy, you see.

MRS. P. Didn't I tell you he was too fat? My Billy would be up in a minute.

MRS. D. Bother your Billy--if only someone would come and pick him up.

[_Music heard. Enter the King's horses and men._

MRS. D. Oh, sirs--oh, sirs--do, pray, stop a minute.

[_They walk right across the stage before they stop, so their backs are to her--and then turn right round so that they face her._

KING'S MAN. Halt! About turn! Yes, ma'am?

MRS. D. Oh, sir, you look so beautiful--but I'm sorry to tell you that my son, while waiting to see you, has fallen off the wall--he's down there.

KING'S MAN. Yes, ma'am! I see him. Is that all, ma'am? Good morning.

About turn!---- [_They turn away again._

MRS. D. Oh, sirs! Oh, sirs! don't go away--I want you to pick him up again.

KING'S MAN. Well, ma'am, we may be late for the Coronation, but anything to oblige. [_To soldiers._] About turn! [_They turn back._] First file, take hold of the boy's arms! Second file, catch hold of his legs!

Now--all together, on to the wall--lift! [_They try to pick him up._]

I'm sorry, ma'am. We can't move him--he's rather stout, you see.

MRS. P. What did I say! If only it was my Billy now.

[_More music heard._

KING'S MAN. Here's another regiment coming--perhaps they can do it.

[_Enter more soldiers._

KING'S MAN. If you please, Colonel----

COLONEL. Halt! What is it, my man?

KING'S MAN. There's a young feller there fallen off the wall--we can't get him up again, sir.

COLONEL. What! All you King's horses and all you King's men can't do a simple thing like that! Preposterous! Ridiculous! [_He twirls his moustache and is very warlike._] Sergeant-Major!

SERGEANT-MAJOR. Yes, Colonel!

COLONEL. Fall out the regiment, and replace that boy on the wall.

SERGEANT-MAJOR. Right turn! Dismiss! Now then, all together.

[_Both regiments dash at HUMPTY and try to pick him up._

COLONEL. H'm--it's not so easy as I thought. A charge of cavalry might do it. [_HUMPTY starts._] Or, upon my word, an explosion of dynamite would be better. Sergeant-Major!

[_HUMPTY trembles._

SERGEANT-MAJOR. Yes, Colonel.

COLONEL. Blow this boy off the ground with dynamite.