The California Club Part 34

At the time I had black hair down to my waist, which meant I was Eddie, leaving Charles for Elliot. We always argued over who got the 'Woo!' bits and 'Would I lie to you?' became our most overused phrase of that year.

Elliot laughs, seemingly untroubled for the first time today. As for me, I'm suspended in joy and yet fully aware of how far I have to fall. As much as I wish this was my life, it's not. This is a sidestep into a parallel universe showing me how things might have been if Elliot had loved me.

Suddenly the pang of longing that lives inside me swells and overwhelms me. This is all I want this feeling with Elliot and I want it to last and I want it to be mine, not a mirage. I can't bear how precarious this transcendental state is. I'm even dreading one of the charcoaled logs shifting for fear that the crumbling ash will prompt a shift in mood.

'Five minutes, Elliot?' Mr Gediman leans over the back of the sofa and gives Elliot a shake.

That'll do it.

I quickly blink back the tears that have lined up and sniff briskly as he tells us, 'All good things must come to an end.'

Elliot shifts forward and rubs his face. 'I'll be with you in a second!'

It's too soon. I don't want him to go. If you ask me, I'll come with you, I speak to him in my head. But you have to ask me ...

He doesn't.

'Maybe I could come back with you,' I suggest.

'Are you insane? And leave all this?' He shakes his head.

'But I haven't had the full park experience!' reason.

Elliot pulls me into a hug and I feel my heart collapse.

'Come here!'

Normally I can hold it together because I'm prepared, but an hour of lying together 'as if' has played tricks on me. I can't distance myself enough. Fortunately he continues to hold me, talking into my hair: 'You know that you are more than welcome in my musty sleeping bag but I'd rather think of you here in a warm bed.' He pulls back to look at me and the usual fondness in his eyes takes on a new poignancy. I feel his hands leave my arms and move up to my face, tucking my hair behind my ears and then tracing the line of my cheekbone with the deftest touch. Then he looks at my mouth as if he's seeing it for the first time.

'You're so lovely,' he breathes.

One part of me swoons as the other screams: Don't! Don't take another step closer unless you mean it! I feel completely at his mercy. Can he tell?

'Lara,' he says simply as he leans forward and lays the sweetest kiss on my lips. I can feel it everywhere. It's more than I even hoped to feel.

'Elliot?' Mr Gediman interrupts. 'Oh sorry!'

'Okay! Let's go!' Elliot jumps to his feet, tousling my hair and pushing me back to friend status. 'I'll swing by tomorrow for breakfast.'

How can he leave? How can he do that and then leave? I can't speak. I feel stunned. Every part of me is crying out for him. And he's gone.

Calling upon one of the larger tapestry cushions to fill the gap that he's left I relive the kiss. I've fantasized about a sequel to the house-party kiss for so many years and now that it has happened I'm feeling something I wasn't expecting to feel. I can't quite define it. I set aside the l.u.s.t and desire and dreaminess and realize that there are traces of anger. Indignation. Some part of me is actually annoyed as far as he's concerned I'm getting it on with Joel so why now should he make a move? Is he simply trying to regain supremacy in my heart? Can his ego not take a rival even though he's not offering me anything he still wants 100 per cent of my devotion. But of course he's not like that.

I try and squish my heart back into its feeling-proof container but it keeps pinging out again like a jack-in-the-box.

'I'm not done! You just got me all stirred up and now you want me to lie down and play sleeping lions? I can't do it!'

'You have to!' I tell it. There's nowhere for the love to go. He's walked away. 'You have to get a grip. You have to hold it back. You have to pretend it didn't happen, just to stop yourself going insane.'

A brief swish of calm descends.

But then my heart has another tantrum. 'I don't want to feel calm!' it cries. 'That's not what I'm here for. I'm here to feel everything, to experience love. Please...'

All I can say is, 'I'm sorry. Not yet. Soon, I promise. (I hope.) Let me get you a drink.'

I'm just knocking back a medicinal brandy when the bride lunges at the bar.

'Vodka orange,' she requests. 'And make it a triple I intend to start married life with the mother of all hangovers!'

As I do a quick double-take, she catches my eye and puts a lacy arm around me.

'What kinda night are you having?'

'Oh, great, yes thank you so much for letting us come!'

She shrugs as she takes a swig. 'Well, I always like to see Joel happy.'

'Oh no, it's not like that!' I jump in, just in case even on her wedding day she's feeling proprietorial over her ex.

'I saw you with that other guy,' she nods over to the fireplace.

'Elliot,' I mutter, with downcast eyes.

'But he's gone.'

'Yes,' I confirm.

She c.o.c.ks her head to one side. 'Don't you find it tiring feeling heartbroken all the time?'

My jaw drops at her insight into my condition. 'Is there an alternative?' I ask.

'There is tonight.'

I raise an eyebrow.

'His name is Joel. Trust me, you won't regret it.'

'Regret what?' A male voice joins us.

It's Joel. It would be.

'I'm just recommending one of the activities available at the hotel.'

'At this time of night?' Joel looks bemused.

'Oh this one goes right through till the morning.' She winks before giving him a peck on the cheek and Proud-Mary-ing her way back to her husband.

'What was that all about?' Joel laughs. Before I can fudge an answer he b.u.mps me playfully and says, 'So was that a kiss I spied earlier?'

I attempt a triumphant twinkle: 'That was not a kiss. That was the kiss!'

'I knew if I gave you guys some room something would happen,' Joel grins then prompts, 'And yet?' He notices the smudge of sadness on my face.

Immediately I'm crestfallen. 'It's not enough.'

'Tell me what you want,' he urges.

'Everything,' I quaver. 'Everything, or what's the point?'

Joel takes my hands and wraps them around his waist. 'A kiss is a good start.'

'Yes,' I concede, leaning against his shoulder, glad of the comfort. 'And, you know, if I was here for a few more days I'd feel pretty optimistic but I'm leaving for LA tomorrow and-'

'By the way, I'll drive you,' he cuts in.

I pull back and gawp at him. 'Don't be silly, that's 300 miles!'

'I've got a meeting at the Bel Air Hotel in the afternoon so I have to go anyway, it's really you who'd be doing me the favor, keeping me company on that tedious journey.'

'Are you sure?' I succ.u.mb to a half-smile. I'd be a fool to fight his offer.

'There is one catch we'd have to leave about 7am.'

I don't need to look at my watch. Even if was 6am now I'd still go he's taken a lonely trip and turned it into the chance to have another adventure. Suddenly I don't know what I'd do without him.

'Everything's better with you,' I say, looking directly into his midnight eyes. The brandy has made me daring.

'I feel the same way,' he responds just as steadily.

We hold each other's gaze. It's just for a few seconds but long enough to cross over into new territory. I can feel my heart saying, What about him? He seems willing. I've got so much to give right now, please let me love someone.

'So now you're thinking, "Could we? Should we? Will we?"' Joel teases, leaning closer with each question.

I laugh, trying to cover my embarra.s.sment and inner palpitations as I squeak, 'Could we?'

'We could indeed.'

'Should we?' My voice involuntarily takes on a more serious tone.

'It would definitely be fun.'

'Will we?' By now I am practically hoa.r.s.e.

'That's up to you,' he says simply.

Suddenly it's right there, so close I could reach out and grab it literally! He's talking s.e.x, not a relationship, I know that: But what an offer. The best I've had in a long time.

I emit a tremulous sigh. 'No, I don't want to mess things up, I like things just the way they are between us.' I reach for the bar snacks but he stops me.

'Just like you're happy with the way things are between you and Elliot?'

I look confused.

'You're scared of messing up that friendship, aren't you?'

'Of course I am!' I puff. 'If I make some big love confession I could ruin everything. I'm not sure it's worth the risk.'

'It's the thing you want most in the world and you're not prepared to take a risk for it?' Joel confronts me.

'I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable,' I mumble, feeling feeble.

'It's only the truth,' Joel shrugs. 'All you would be doing is putting your truth out there. How he reacts is up to him.'

This man certainly has a way of making things sound so simple. I push a scattering of pistachio sh.e.l.ls into a neat little circle. Maybe I am a bigger part of Elliot and I not getting together than I realize.

'I have moments when I think it's the only thing to do to tell him how I feel -and other times I think I've just got to let go,' I explain.

'You know you're coming very close to now or never,' Joel warns. 'I reckon he can handle it, either way. The question is, can you?'

I take a moment to think and then squirm. 'I don't know.'

'Maybe we should give you some practice, then.'

'What do you mean?' I ask, feeling unsettled.

Joel takes my hand, which is absently pinching my pistachio sh.e.l.l circle into a straight line, and rumbles, 'Practice on me!'

I knew the man had killer s.e.x appeal but I had yet to experience its full force directed at me. My stomach and loins flurry excitedly.

'I've only known you thirty or so hours but I'd say we're friends, wouldn't you?'

I nod vigorously, unable to speak.

'Well, I tell you what we're going to cross that line. Together.'

Before I can voice any concerns he leans forward and kisses me. I take a moment to register the sensation. Not bad, but it's not Elliot.

He contemplates my expression and kisses me again. More tenderly, languorously. Hmmmm. Not Elliot. Joel.

This time he seems pleased with my reaction.

Me too.

'Again,' I request, pulling him towards me...