The Broken Sister Part 20

Tommy stood. "Sure. Look you wanna grab a beer or something this week?"

Tristan nodded. "Yeah. Sure. That would be great."

"Cool. Talk to ya later."

"Sure."

He stared after his little brother, a pit deepening in his stomach.

Chapter Sixteen.

ALLY DIDN'T RESPOND TO her calls. She was ignoring Kylie, which was unprecedented for them. Ally was the caretaker, the one who kept them in contact. She called Kylie, she stopped by to see what was going on. She was the one who made plans and brought Kylie along. They'd go to concerts or dinner or shopping, all at Ally's instigation. Having her mad at Kylie was enough to have Kylie's stomach cramping in worse and worse nerves. It sounded easy to others to embrace what she needed to do. She understood she hadn't really done anything wrong, but that didn't ease the discomfort of it. Ally thought she'd done something wrong. Worse, Ally thought Kylie was hurting her and picking someone who didn't deserve it over her. Ally also thought she was picking her boyfriend over her.

But it also got Kylie thinking about so many things. Things she had ignored and pretended didn't happen; but all of it had happened. She curled up one night and checked the website. There wasn't much more to Cadence's claims. Other claims had been added, but no new comments to Cadence's. It was like a social media post that didn't get enough traffic: it had died its natural death. Only this was the story of a girl's rape. It was the story Kylie couldn't tell. But lived. She'd lived this. And like everything she lived, she pretended she didn't. She tried to stuff it inside her. Smother it. Kill it.

And look how far that strategy had gotten her in her life.

The thing was, just like her feelings over her dad, they didn't die, it all just grew bigger and stronger like some noxious climbing vine that you cut off to kill, and instead grew three shoots in its place. Like the vine twisting her back. The tattoo was a metaphor only she understood completely. It was a dead vine that wrapped all around her soul, suffocating her. Yet on the outside she appeared fine and normal, there was something dark and black smothering her soul, cutting off her breath and heartbeat.

When she got Ally's voicemail for the twentieth time or so she got up and jammed her feet into her boots and stuck her leather coat on. She jammed a gray hat over her hair, grabbed her keys, and darted down the stairs and onto the dark street. It was nine forty-five. It wasn't rainy, just cold. She quickly started down the sidewalk.

She had made it her business to find out which dorm building and room number Cadence was in. It was across from the one Kylie had shared with Olivia last year, until Olivia had transferred out. She only waited a moment, lingering around the outside to follow a group of laughing, talking, flirting freshman into the dorm. She ditched them and headed to the third floor, room 12. The dorm door was open. She played with the hem of her gray shirt that hung to her mid-thighs. Nerves made her stomach feel jittery. But she'd come this far. She glanced in and there was a girl sitting on her bed, notebook computer on her lap. Kylie took in a breath for courage and knocked on the open door.

The girl glanced up. She was brunette, girl-next-door kind of pretty. Pleasing to look at. The girl was dressed casual but without any kind of edge or style. She would be amazing in court as a rape-victim, Kylie thought right off. She looked innocent, sweet, and had a fresh off the farm to the big city kind of feel to her look, and open expressions. Not like Kylie.

"Hey." Kylie had to control rolling her eyes at her own lame greeting.

"Hi," the girl said, her voice rolling over it in obvious doubt over who Kylie was.

"Um, you're Cadence?"

"Yes."

"Can I talk to you?"

"Who are you?" She shut her laptop and scooted to the edge of her single bed. She gave Kylie her full attention now.

Kylie first stepped inside and shut and locked the dorm room door. "My name is Kylie McKinley, but you might remember me as Kland5568." Cadence's back went rigid and her head whipped up. Her eyes were wide with recognition to meet Kylie's. Kylie nodded. "I see you recognize me."

"You?"

"Yes, me. I commented on your claims on Rape Matters."

"You did it anonymously. You said, 'good luck,' as if wishing me well in my fight to win a soccer game or study for a test, not a face-off with one of the most popular boys at school about rape charges. It was him against me. He's a senior, I'm n.o.body, and no one believed me. And you..."

Kylie's stomach cramped at Cadence's pleas and her accusations. She remembered how she felt being a freshman up against Tommy and his friends. His popularity, his support. With her reputation and her supposed compliance that night. It would all make her look like she was making it up. It was partly why she had never told a soul. The other part? She was a coward. A weak, wimpy victim who didn't know how to begin to even start to fight for justice, for what was right. Kylie wanted to step back, spin around, and run far away. Cadence's courage made her braver than Kylie already.

But all she'd ever done was run and here she was, still running. It had gotten her nowhere. She was like a rat on a spinning wheel. She never changed or grew or got better because she was chasing nothing and everything still chased her. Kylie nodded her head, keeping her voice even she tried to speak with some degree of confidence. "Yes. I did it anonymously. I wished you luck for doing what I believed I could never, ever do."

"That was a s.h.i.tty thing to do. Like throwing a crumb towards me and luring me in and then strangling me for my efforts."

"Yes, it was a bit like that."

"Then what are you doing here now?"

"I want to do better. I want to be better. I've never known how to. I don't know how to talk about it. I know this happened to me, but I don't remember anything about it. I never knew how to take ownership of being a rape victim when I don't remember being raped. I don't remember any violence or pain or feeling any of it. Yet I woke up there, in his filthy room, feeling filthy. I'm not sure the feeling has ever left me."

Cadence sat back down on the edge of her bed as Kylie spoke. She kept her voice, even and low and soothing. Cadence's eyes filled with tears. "You really had this happen to you too, didn't you?"

"Yes. Did you think I was lying?"

"It occurred to me maybe it was someone he knew trying to draw me out. But it's been too long now. Most people have forgotten it or moved on. I get a few sneers or nasty names thrown my way, but the out and out disdain and hara.s.sment has mostly pa.s.sed."

Kylie stared at the girl. Cadence had just voiced Kylie's worst fear. The fear that made her inert, weak, and silent. "Was it really like that? People blamed you? Hara.s.sed you? Bullied you? Didn't anyone believe you? Any other girls?"

"There was a few. I mean, it wasn't like I felt fear of my safety or anything, or like I had to leave. But there was blowback from what I did. I think I knew there would be. I just couldn't let him get away with it scot-free. With my family's support I talked to the police, they interviewed Tommy, which he denied after the fact, but there was no evidence to proceed with any kind of prosecution. It was as if it didn't happen to me. As if what I went through didn't matter, when it did. And it does matter what he did. He shouldn't be able to do this and get away with it. And I was thinking if it happened to me like this, there should be others..."

"And there was, but I didn't give you any way to find me."

"No, you were anonymous."

"I haven't told anyone. Not even my mom or sister. Not a soul. Just that website comment." Kylie nearly fell on the unmade bed behind her and curled up without asking if it was okay. Her stomach was hollowed out and her legs were shaking. She shook her head. "I'm sorry. I was such a coward. I've always been. I've never known how to confront things, even the bad things done to me. I have people in my life who would help me and believe me and I never told them. Not a thing. I just tried to carry on like nothing happened and all the while it ate my insides like acid eating your esophagus."

Cadence sucked in a breath. "That sounds harder than what I've done to deal with it. All alone? It seems like too much to bear. How did you do it alone?"

"Honestly?" Kylie lifted her gaze to the girl. She licked her lips. G.o.d, it was odd to discuss this openly and without a bunch of preamble. This girl just got it. "Not very well. It about broke me. I kind of decided, well f.u.c.k it. If that could happen in a crowded house in front of dozens of people, then where can't it happen? I became reckless, stupid actually. I'm not sure what I was trying to prove."

"I know what you were trying to prove: he doesn't win. He won't decide how you should behave. I think it's why I posted on the website."

"I'm not sure I ever found the words to articulate it," Kylie said, staring down at the unfamiliar striped bedspread she sat on. "I used to be timid and afraid. After it, I lost all sense of self-preservation. I went to parties and out in the dark of night. I became less afraid and more reckless, which just doesn't seem right. Shouldn't I have been even more afraid? Wouldn't a real rape victim avoid s.e.x? I just... I never could figure out why I felt so erratic."

Cadence's head turned halfway to the side as her eyebrows furrowed. "Are you for real?"

Kylie smiled a sad, self-deprecating smile. "So for real."

"G.o.d, Kylie, there is no rape victim guidelines. They are everywhere in all walks of life and circ.u.mstances. Just because you had s.e.x after doesn't change that it was done to you. Do you really believe that?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. I have this boyfriend now... He's not like the guys I used to date. He's nice to me. s.e.x with him is more about connection than..."

"Proving that a.s.shole Tommy doesn't determine your life."

Kylie hung her head. "I liked to have s.e.x before and after it happened. It wasn't all about him. That's what confuses me. I don't know how you found the strength to stay at school after all that was done to you, when I couldn't find the strength to speak."

"I had a lot of support. I have my parents, grandparents, and even aunt and uncles and some cousins. They all believed me. They wanted me to leave here. I almost did, and then I decided screw that. I didn't do anything wrong. He doesn't get to stay here and force me to leave. It's been hard on my family. But they are where I find the strength to stay."

"I have that kind of family, contrary to what I'm sure you're thinking. I was afraid to tell them. I mean, I was there, at the parties. I was sleeping with his friends. Not friend, but in the plural friends. I would have slept with Tommy that very night if he asked me. I was hoping to. How do I claim rape? Being that kind of girl, there for that very reason, tell me, how dare I claim rape?"

"Because you didn't tell him it was okay, Kylie," Cadence said softly. "He didn't give you the chance to consent. And that's just wrong, no matter who you are.

"I doubted it all so completely but then I saw your story, and I know it didn't make me run forward all brave and ready to take this on, but something released in me. It was like you validated what happened to me. I could maybe try to start believing it and sorting it out. Maybe your story made me believe in myself. I take a long time to process stuff and react. Sometimes, usually, actually I don't react how I should. I want to though. I just don't know what to do, Cadence. This... this scares me."

"What are you scared of?"

"Everything. Yet, nothing specific."

"I have no physical proof." Cadence shrugged her shoulders with a sad lift of her mouth.

"I don't either." Kylie stared down at her interlocked fingers. "I went to the student health services and got screened for STDs and got the morning after pill so I didn't get pregnant, but I never said it was rape. I wasn't all bruised up. After all as far as I know I laid there, willingly complying. So there is no proof of what happened to me. Sad part is, I can't even bear witness to it."

Cadence stared into her eyes. "I hear the doubt still, in your voice. If someone held you down and shoved a pill into your mouth and their p.e.n.i.s into your v.a.g.i.n.a while you were awake, would you know that was rape?"

"Jesus. Of course I would."

"Then there you go. That's what was done to you. Except you were strung out unconscious. Not even aware, so it's even worse than doing so when aware in my book."

"How do... I mean, how are you so strong?"

"It doesn't make me a better or more worthy victim. Get that, Kylie. I didn't get the guts to get help until days too late. I have no physical proof. No rape kit. No pictures or samples. Nothing but my word. And the word of the dozens at the party who claim I willingly went upstairs."

"As did I. We can't win."

"But we can try. We can be heard. We can try to not let him just walk away from this."

"I want to. I just, you have to understand, I don't know if I can do this. If I can have others knowing. If I can stay strong."

"You're not just coming to commiserate with me?"

Kylie's gaze shot to Cadence's. There was a measured, careful quality to Cadence's tone. "I don't know. I would like to think, no, I'm not just here to commiserate. But I don't know exactly what I'm here for. But I have to tell you talking about it, with someone who gets it, is..."

"Yeah, it is," Cadence agreed, her smile sad.

"What do we do now?"

"I don't know. Maybe you need to tell your family. Maybe we could go after him. Get him expelled from school or something. The very least is he should have to leave, not us."

"Unless there is another. A pattern. Maybe we could do something. Together."

Cadence nodded. "Yeah, maybe together. But be warned, Kylie, people will think things of you. Nasty things. Can you handle that? Can you stand up against that pressure? Because you're kind of telling me here you can't."

"I think I can do this, now. Not when it first happened. Or even last year. But I think I can now."

"You won't tell anyone about what we're planning, right? Even this boyfriend of yours? This is our fight. Our experience. We survived this. But I need to know I can trust you. Not you and your boyfriend... and his friends... you see my point."

A small smile crossed Kylie's lips. "Are you asking me to keep quiet? Not share?"

"I'm sorry, yes. Or at least the part about us fighting him."

"I can do that, Cadence. In fact, it's what I do best."

They had exchanged understanding smiles and set about looking up the handbook for students and reading the bylaws long into the night.

They talked until well past one in the morning when Kylie finally started to walk home, despite Cadence's protest. She didn't think Kylie should go out so late of course. But Kylie waved her off. She couldn't be reasoned with. She couldn't be made to do what others thought she should. She stuffed her hands in her pockets against the chill of the night. Street lamps pooled on the campus's sidewalks. It was pretty at night. Silent almost, with stars overhead and the peace of the lights. Farther off traffic could be heard, but it was a quiet that Kylie liked. Just off the edge of campus a party raged. Kids milled about and lights and music woke the night up. Maybe that's what she liked about parties. They were wild, exciting, and bright, and she'd felt anonymous in them. She could act how she wanted and it wasn't being "wrong" or too quiet, too skinny, too everything Kylie.

Rape victim. She kept thinking about all that Cadence had said. The experience she had was so eerily similar to the night Kylie spent with Tommy that she had shivered listening to her. It was like they had simply copied the other's story. They eventually left it as they needed to go slow with their plans and figure it all out quietly between them before they acted. No more p.r.o.nouncements on the website or social media. The police might be out, but going after disciplinary action at school might at least be an avenue. Maybe they could get somewhere, or get something from it.

And now, walking home, her mind was reeling. Yet there was a sense of empowerment, and purpose she hadn't had before. Maybe ever. She wasn't crazy or stupid or to blame for being a s.l.u.t. She had been drugged; that alone was a crime. That alone invalidated that she'd been a s.l.u.t getting her due. It didn't matter who she slept with, what mattered is no one should have drugged her.

Or had s.e.x with her without her consent. That part was harder for Kylie to grab onto with the same pa.s.sion Cadence could. Maybe because of her own guilt. She had, after all, been there to sleep with Tommy. But all he had to do was ask her. He instead drugged her. Put chemicals into her body. She shuddered. When worded that way... she could finally find the pa.s.sion Cadence had about the rape part. She could finally articulate that it wasn't okay to drug her without her knowledge. That was dangerous and just so wrong.

The thought left her feeling desolate as she stood on the empty dark street corner, staring at the kind of party it had happened at. Something made her feel suddenly cold... and so alone. Which was odd, as her life was going better now than perhaps it ever had. She had reached out to her dad and found some release for all the confusion and ache she felt over that. She had been getting better grades and had quit partying and no one had called her names in months because there was not much opportunity for them to. She saw Meredith often on campus and she had been so relieved when Kylie told her about Tristan. Tristan who was so nice to her. Who saw her so differently than she'd ever considered seeing herself.

And Tristan who meant she really wasn't alone. She grabbed her phone and dialed Tristan's number, despite how late it was.

"What's wrong?" His voice was coa.r.s.e and gruff-sounding when he answered by the second ring.

"I'm okay. I just need..." What did she need? To talk about what happened to her? She wasn't sure she was ready to do that, but she thought perhaps she was nearing getting ready to tell him. Reaching out to Cadence was huge to her but made her feel extremely vulnerable and scared too. She wasn't totally confident she could follow through with what she had started, which made her feel insecure and bad. She should be strong enough to handle this when she was the one who re-initiated it.

Tristan had worked late. That's why she hadn't been with him tonight. He was probably tired and didn't need her calling like a clingy, pathetic, total victim and girl.

"Kylie, what's going on?" His voice was strong and insistent.

"I'm not at home."

His silence was long and loaded. Finally she heard him shuffling around like he was getting out of bed. "Do you need me to come get you?"

"Yes," she admitted quietly. "I do need you. But not because I need a ride."

"Did something happen?"

"Yes. Something happened."

His silence was potent, almost judging. His frustration felt like it was tangible and she heard the slow, deep breath he took before he nearly growled, "What the f.u.c.k is going on? Are you all right? d.a.m.n it, Kylie what is this?"

"I shouldn't have called you like this. I'm not in danger. I'm... upset."

"Then you should have f.u.c.king called me. Where are you?"

"The corner of Fifth and Grandview."

"You're on the street?"