The Borowitz Report Part 6

All Species Under Review, President Says Just days after Christine Todd Whitman departed her post at the Environmental Protection Agency, President George W. Bush announced ambitious new plans to phase out the environment altogether by 2004.

"In addition to cutting taxes, it is the goal of this administration to cut our wasteful, bloated environment," Mr. Bush said in a speech before the a.s.sociation of Indiscriminate Applauders in Washington, D.C.

Former head of the EPA Christine Todd Whitman applauds President Bush's decision to phase out all air, water and wildlife by 2004.

While plans to eliminate the environment entirely are still being formulated, the general strategy of the White House is to phase out the environment gradually "so that hardly anyone will notice it's gone," an aide said today.

Apparently, the plan to phase out the environment may have prompted Ms. Whitman's decision to leave the EPA, since the agency's mission seemed increasingly nebulous in the absence of an environment to protect.

"Christie decided to move from the EPA to New Jersey because a year from now New Jersey will still be around," one source said.

The President's plan to eliminate the environment calls for a comprehensive review of all species currently living in the United States and the accelerated extinction of all superfluous organisms by the end of fiscal 2004.

The plan also calls for a gradual reduction of air and water, with water most likely to get the ax.

"If it comes down to choosing between air and water, the President will probably sc.r.a.p water," one aide said. "After all, the Iraqis haven't had water in weeks and look how well they're doing."

GRETA VAN SUSTEREN UNDERGOES RADICAL HEAD-REPLACEMENT SURGERY.

Old Head to Return to CNN in Ramped-Up Ratings War Fox News personality Greta Van Susteren, bowing to pressure from her new bosses at Fox News Channel, had her entire head surgically replaced today, Fox News announced.

A spokesman for Fox p.r.o.nounced Van Susteren's new head "a home run."

"While we were supportive of Greta's earlier plastic surgery, we felt that that procedure didn't get it done," Fox spokesman Carla Benoit told reporters.

"All of us at Fox are very excited to be working with Greta and her new, much better-looking head," Ms. Benoit said.

Although Van Susteren joins a long list of unrecognizable surgically altered celebrities that includes Roseanne, Liza Minelli, and Michael Jackson, radical head-replacement surgery is still a relatively rare option, experts say.

A costly and high-risk medical procedure, it was successfully performed for the first time three years ago, on Lewinskygate figure Linda Tripp, who successfully replaced her frightening head.

As Fox laid out plans to unveil Van Susteren's new head later this week, CNN announced today that Van Susteren's original head would be returning to her old network.

CNN, where Van Susteren had toiled for years before bolting to Fox, plans to schedule what it calls "Greta's real head" against Van Susteren's new head in a much-antic.i.p.ated head-to-head ratings battle.

"We wish Greta well in her new job," CNN said today in a prepared statement, "but may the best head win."

HEAD TO HEAD: Fox News' Greta Van Susteren said she is "stoked" about squaring off against her old head in a much-antic.i.p.ated ratings battle with CNN.

BUSH REBUFFED BY MODEL U.N.

Pretend-Diplomats Call President's Request "Bogus"

Just days after receiving a chilly reception from the United Nations, President Bush took his appeal for Iraq aid to the Model United Nations, a group of two thousand high school students meeting in San Diego.

The Model U.N., which convenes once a year to simulate the proceedings of the world body, is primarily an educational organization and is therefore unaccustomed to requests for troops, funds, and billions of dollars in loans-precisely what the President asked the teenage delegates for today.

"The United States liberated Iraq to preserve the credibility not only of the United Nations, but of the Model United Nations as well," Mr. Bush told the high school students, to muted applause.

While many in attendance seemed unmoved by the President's appeal, Mr. Bush received the frostiest reception by far from the high school students pretending to represent France and Germany.

"When he was, like, 'Give us billions of dollars and whatnot,' I was, like, 'This is bogus,'" said Josh Greenstein, the amba.s.sador from France.

President Bush was reportedly blindsided by the Model U.N.'s chilly response to his speech this week.

The German amba.s.sador, Lum Chao, echoed his French colleague's dismissive remarks about Mr. Bush's speech.

"Dude was trippin'," Mr. Chao said. "Yo, when do we go to SeaWorld?"

Speaking to CNN's Wolf Blitzer later in the day, Vice President d.i.c.k Cheney criticized the Model U.N., arguing, "If the Model U.N. does not act, then they are little more than a glorified debating society."

OPENLY EPISCOPAL MAN JOINS VILLAGE PEOPLE.

Controversy Threatens to Tear Dis...o...b..nd Asunder For the first time in their three decades of existence, the dis...o...b..nd the Village People have inducted an openly Episcopal man, igniting a controversy that threatens to tear the fabled group asunder.

Holding a press conference in New York City today, the Construction Worker, a prominent member of the Village People since its inception in the 1970s, urged "tolerance and understanding" for its latest member, the Episcopal Guy, who joined the group over the weekend.

"From the start, the Village People have been all about inclusiveness," the Construction Worker said. "And introducing the Episcopal Guy as our latest member is part of that tradition."

While the Indian Chief and the Fireman were reportedly in agreement with the Construction Worker about including the Episcopal Guy in the band, the Policeman, the Cowboy, and the Leather-clad Guy were reportedly opposed, creating speculation that the Village People might split up into two smaller, somewhat less influential dis...o...b..nds.

Meanwhile, one full day after rap impresario Sean "P. Diddy" Combs ran the New York City Marathon, Mr. Combs' posse finally crossed the finish line with a time of 30:16:27.

While the posse's finish was unimpressive compared to that of the winner, Kenyan Martin Lel, it does set a new record for best finish by a bloated entourage of leeches and parasites.

The introduction of an openly Episcopal man could split the Village People into two smaller, less influential dis...o...b..nds.

UNNAMED WHITE HOUSE SOURCE DENIES LEAK.

White House Denies Leaking Denial An unnamed White House source last night vigorously denied leaking cla.s.sified information about a CIA operative, sending the White House scrambling to identify the source of the leaked denial.

The unnamed source leaked a strongly worded denial of the previous leak in phone conversations with over two hundred newspaper columnists across the country.

"We are not in the business of leaking information," the unnamed source said.

Ben Trimble, a political columnist for the Canton (Ohio) Star-Ledger, attempted to STAR-69 the call in order to identify the source of the leaked denial, but to no avail.

"It wouldn't disclose the phone number or the location," Mr. Trimble said. "That kind of made me think it was Cheney."

At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan said that the administration would launch a "full investigation" to determine the source of the leaked denials.

"If someone is out there denying leaks, that is very serious business," Mr. McClellan said. "Denying leaks is my job."

But moments after Mr. McClellan spoke, columnists received a new round of anonymous phone calls, this time denying that the White House had been the source of the earlier denials.

White House spokesman Scott McClellan said that the unnamed source who has been denying leaks remains unnamed and unknown.

As the number of anonymous leaks from the White House mounts to a dozen or more a day, newspaper columnists are increasingly signing up for the Federal "Do Not Call" list to keep unnamed White House sources from bothering them at home.

"The first couple of leaks I didn't mind," said the Star-Ledger's Trimble. "But these guys keep calling me at dinnertime."

In other news, the White House acknowledged today that the President's approval numbers were slipping, but added that they are still higher than his grades at Yale.

SCIENTISTS DOUBT THE EXISTENCE OF MIRA SORVINO.

Nineties Actress Joins Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster as Product of Ma.s.s Hysteria The actress Mira Sorvino, who at one point during the 1990s seemed to appear in every movie released by Hollywood, has all but vanished from the current entertainment scene-leading some prominent scientists to believe that she may have never existed in the first place.

"The phenomenon we call 'Mira Sorvino' is increasingly looking like a product of ma.s.s hysteria," says Dr. Simon Trullo of the University of Minnesota, who has been at the vanguard of Sorvino skeptics in the scientific community.

"Like many of my colleagues, I don't question the sincerity of those who believe that 'Mira Sorvino' exists," Dr. Trullo says. "But in the absence of any proof that she does, we can only conclude that what people think is 'Mira Sorvino' is probably something else."

A phone call to a Canton, Ohio, Blockbuster video store seemed to bear out Dr. Trullo's claim that Mira Sorvino does not exist.

Karl, the clerk who answered the phone, could not locate a video featuring Mira Sorvino anywhere in the store's inventory.

"Are you sure you don't mean Mena Suvari?" the clerk said, referring to the starlet of American Beauty and American Pie fame.

The video clerk is not alone in his confusion, since some scientists-admittedly a minority-are currently testing the hypothesis that Mira Sorvino and Mena Suvari may in fact be the same person.

Scientists believe that the phenomenon known as Mira Sorvino may have merely been the product of ma.s.s hysteria.

"They're not," Dr. Trullo says. "The dates simply don't add up."

Some stubborn Mira Sorvino believers point to the actress's acceptance, on national television, of the Best Supporting Actress Oscar for the film Mighty Aphrodite-but Dr. Trullo remains unconvinced.

"Like man landing on the moon, Mira Sorvino winning that Oscar is something that many people saw on TV, yet none of them can prove really happened," Dr. Trullo says.

RUMSFELD PROPOSES MERGING IRAQ, AFGHANISTAN INTO IRAQISTAN.

Ten-lane Highway Through Iran Would Unite Two War Zones As part of his long-term goal of remaking the Middle East, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld today suggested merging Iraq and Afghanistan into one nation, tentatively named Iraqistan.

The merger of the two nations would result in "significant" savings, Mr. Rumsfeld said, since the cost of escalating one great big war was smaller than that of escalating two smaller wars.

To complete the merger, Mr. Rumsfeld said, a ten-lane highway through Iran would be built by the Halliburton Company at an estimated cost of $800 billion.

Explaining the choice of Halliburton, Mr. Rumsfeld said, "Halliburton has by far the most experience at being granted enormous contracts without bidding for them."

Just hours after Mr. Rumsfeld's announcement, President Mohammad Khatami of Iran objected to the Secretary of Defense's plan, particularly Mr. Rumsfeld's proposal to line the Iranian superhighway with Motel 6 and Denny's franchises.

Moments after Mr. Khatami's speech, however, Mr. Rumsfeld issued a fresh warning to the Iranian leader: "If Iran so much as obstructs the construction of even one Denny's or Motel 6, that will be seen as a direct threat to the sovereignty of the Iraqistanian people."

Combining Iraq and Afghanistan into one country would mean "one less country p.i.s.sed off at the U.S.," said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld (left).

Mr. Rumsfeld, while stopping short of threatening Iran with war, said he would not rule out incorporating Iran into a new nation, tentatively named Iraqiranistan.

While some foreign policy experts worry that an Operation Iraqiranistanian Freedom might spread the U.S.'s military resources too thin, Mr. Rumsfeld identified what he called a "huge upside" of such a war: "Instead of three nations being p.i.s.sed off at us, there'd just be one."

KIM'S BLOG A frightening whack-job who laughs when he talks about invading other countries, refuses to answer questions posed to him by the press and shrouds his every move in secrecy? Throw in a goofy pair of wire-rimmed gla.s.ses, and who are we talking about?