The Borowitz Report Part 3

Trip to OfficeMax Crucial to Agency's Overhaul, Mueller Says In what its director described as a "crucial" first step to upgrade the Federal Bureau of Investigation's intelligence-gathering capabilities, the FBI paid a visit to an OfficeMax superstore today and bought "a substantial number" of While-You-Were-Out message pads.

The agency, which has never had access to such message pads in the past, believes that the introduction of the While-You-Were-Out pads will dramatically improve the relaying of phone messages at FBI headquarters and in field offices across the country.

FBI Director Robert Mueller, speaking at a press conference in Washington, D.C, said that the FBI had also purchased "these little yellow reminder thingies with stick-um stuff on the back so you can post them on your desk and whatnot."

Mueller added that the FBI was "intrigued" by a machine they saw at OfficeMax that could record phone messages and store them while an FBI employee was away from his or her desk.

"Once the phone messages are played back, they could theoretically be written down on the While-You-Were-Out pads," Mueller said.

While Mueller p.r.o.nounced the trip to OfficeMax "a resounding success," FBI whistleblower Colleen Rowley revealed today that she had urged the agency to invest in While-You-Were-Out pads months ago-but no one listened.

"I then tried to write a memo about it, but there were no pens or paper anywhere in the office," Rowley complained. "This visit to OfficeMax, I'm afraid, is too little too late."

For his part, Mueller said he welcomed Rowley's latest round of criticism.

"I'm always delighted to have Colleen Rowley rip me a new one," Mueller said.

The FBI's visit to OfficeMax to purchase While-You-Were-Out message pads represents a major ramping up in the war on terror, FBI officials say.

SOTHEBY'S AUCTIONS RARE HOME MOVIES OF BOB CRANE NOT HAVING s.e.x

Startling Footage of Fully Clothed Hogan Fetches Record Bid In London today, leading auction house Sotheby's auctioned a reel of rare, recently discovered home movies of Hogan's Heroes actor Bob Crane not having s.e.x.

The extaordinary footage of a fully clothed Crane engaged in such nons.e.xual activities as reading the newspaper and washing his car fetched a winning bid of $1,825 million, exceeding even Sotheby's most optimistic expectations.

"Given that these are, to our knowledge, the only home movies of Mr. Crane not having s.e.x, the high price is justified," said Clive Widdington, a spokesman for the auction house.

The rare footage, discovered in the attic of a home in El Paso, Texas, where Mr. Crane had appeared in dinner theater in the seventies, at first appeared to be a hoax.

"When I first saw the videos, I said to myself that this could not possibly be Bob Crane," said Dr. Bernard Fulton of the University of Minnesota. "For one thing, he had his pants on."

But Dr. Fulton, who teaches a graduate course in the home movies of Bob Crane and ultimately authenticated the s.e.x-free Crane footage, warned that the movies "should not force us to call into question all of our previous thinking about Bob Crane."

For decades, collectors have been searching for rare home videos of actor Bob Crane not having s.e.x, Sotheby's confirmed.

"Even though he is not having s.e.x in these movies, it's safe to say that he's thinking about having s.e.x," Dr. Fulton said.

The winning bid for the footage of Bob Crane not having s.e.x established a new record for a celebrity home movie auctioned by Sotheby's, topping the $1.675 million paid for a 1997 home movie of actress Pamela Anderson not having s.e.x.

BUSH ACCUSES IRAQ OF HIDING WEAPONS IN NORTH KOREA.

Calls North Koreans Dupes of Saddam's Latest Scam In a bombsh.e.l.l with serious ramifications for U.S. foreign policy, President Bush today accused Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein of hiding nuclear weapons in North Korea.

While the President offered no hard evidence to back up his startling claim, he insisted that the so-called secret North Korean nuclear weapons program was actually a secret Iraqi nuclear weapons program.

He went on to quote intelligence reports suggesting that Saddam Hussein had sent the weapons to North Korea in big wooden crates stamped with the logo of Harry & David's, a popular food-by-mail gift service, to avoid interdiction en route.

"This may be the evilest thing this doer of evil has ever done," Mr. Bush said.

Mr. Bush's stunning announcement may have been meant to deflect criticism of the administration's policy of being mean to Iraq but not quite so mean to North Korea.

But North Korea complicated that effort somewhat by announcing later in the day that the weapons were in fact their own and did not come from Iraq, adding that Saddam Hussein did not even have North Korea's mailing address or home phone number.

For his part, the President quickly dismissed North Korea's denials, calling the North Koreans "dupes" of Saddam's evil plan to sneak nuclear weapons into their country.

"The fact that Saddam has snuck evil weapons into North Korea and has somehow convinced the North Koreans that they made them themselves just goes to show you how dangerous Iraq is and how not-dangerous North Korea is," the President said.

North Korean soldiers stand guard near a supersecret hiding place where Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is believed to have hidden weapons of ma.s.s destruction.

KIM'S BLOG During the months leading up to the war with Iraq, Bush and Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld kept going on TV talking about how dangerous Saddam Hussein was, and I was like, What am I, chopped liver?

You've got to understand-I've spent half my life trying to prove how evil I am. My reputation is totally based on that. If people don't think I'm evil, what do I have to show for all of those reprocessed spent fuel rods? Jack s.h.i.t, that's what.

So here comes Saddam Hussein, who's basically just been sitting in Baghdad getting fat and with those two loser sons of his, pretending like he's got all of this awesome bio-s.h.i.t (Dr. Germ, Mrs. Anthrax-f.u.c.k, those people sounded like characters out of Clue) and suddenly he's the most evil guy in the world? Excuse me, but that sucks.

Then I turned on the TV on Halloween and there were American kids trick-or-treating as Saddam Hussein. Not a single Kim Jong II mask in the bunch. h.e.l.looo! Earth to America! Evil guy over here! Restarting nuclear reactors!

I don't want to make it look like Saddam and I have a whole Freddy vs. Jason thing going, but come on! After a while, it's pretty hard to take. I'm cranking out seven f.u.c.king nuclear weapons a day-give me my props already.

DENNIS MILLER TAKES OBSCURE, HARD-TO-UNDERSTAND PARTING SHOT AT ABC.

Fired Comedian Dennis Miller, fired from ABC's Monday Night Football last week, lashed out at ABC Sports today in a blistering tirade packed with obscure literary and pop cultural references that may take his former bosses years to decipher.

"Hey, you guys pulled a Pete Best on me," Miller told the executives at ABC Sports. "Well, you don't need to show me the exit. Who am I, Jean-Paul Sartre?"

The ABC executives begged Miller to slow down so that they could look up some of the items contained in the often-baffling comedian's trademark "rant," but Miller, seemingly undeterred, soldiered on in the same arcane vein.

"When I heard you were replacing me with Madden, I was like, isn't that the guy who played Reuben Kincaid on The Partridge Family?" Miller said, in an apparent reference to football announcer John Madden and former TV actor Dave Madden.

It is believed that only three or four people in North America, excluding Miller himself, are sufficiently aware of both Maddens in order to understand, and therefore enjoy, Miller's confusing remark.

A spokesman for ABC said the network was confused by many of the obscure cultural references in a statement released by comedian Dennis Miller.

Skewering announcer Madden's use of the "telestrator" to diagram football plays. Miller said, "That guy makes more points than Georges Seurat on the Island of the Grande Jatte. Calling Stephen Sondheim!"

O'NEILL FIRED OVER "IT'S THE ECONOMY, STUPID" REMARK

"Don't Call Me Stupid," Bush Shot Back A clearer picture of the events leading up to Treasury Secretary Paul H. O'Neill's forced resignation was revealed today, as White House aides said that Mr. O'Neill was undone by unintentionally calling the President "stupid" in a meeting last week.

The heated exchange occurred at the White House late Thursday night, aides said, when Mr. O'Neill urged the President to focus more on the economy, telling Mr. Bush, "Remember, it's the economy, stupid."

Mr. Bush's face reportedly reddened with rage after Mr. O'Neill made his remark.

"I know it's the economy," the President replied, "and don't call me 'stupid.'"

Mr. O'Neill quickly defended his "it's the economy, stupid" remark as a figure of speech, but the President "would have none of it," aides said.

"I know when someone's called me stupid, and you just called me stupid," Mr. Bush said. "Well if I'm stupid, you're a d.i.c.kwad. How do you like them apples?"

Mr. O'Neill, realizing that he had walked into a rhetorical minefield, quickly attempted to mend fences with the President.

"When I said 'it's the economy, stupid,' I just meant that the economy is something you should focus more on," Mr. O'Neill said.

"Who are you calling a moron?" a furious Mr. Bush demanded, leaping from his chair.

"It's 'whom,'" corrected Lawrence B. Lindsey, director of the National Economic Council, who was also present at the meeting.

Moments after Mr. Lindsey's "whom" remark, the President called him a "smart-a.s.s" and abruptly demanded his resignation as well.

"If there's one thing the President hates more than being called stupid, it's being corrected on that whole who-whom thing," one aide said.

"DON'T CALL ME STUPID": An unfortunate turn of phrase may have ended Paul O'Neill's troubled tenure as Treasury Secretary.

CHENEY'S BRIEF APPEARANCE, RETURN TO SECURE LOCATION MAY MEAN SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER

White House Downplays Veep's Influence Over Seasons Vice President d.i.c.k Cheney emerged from his secure, undisclosed location to make the rounds of the morning news programs this Sunday, but then immediately returned to his hiding place-indicating that America may be in for six more weeks of winter, according to experts.

While appearing with Tim Russert on NBC's Meet the Press, observers say, the Vice President seemed distracted, looking over his shoulder repeatedly as if trying to see his own shadow.

Vice President d.i.c.k Cheney (left) might have seen his shadow while appearing on NBC's Meet the Press with Tim Russert.

A review of the broadcast indicates that Vice President Cheney, in fact, appeared to locate his shadow toward the end of the program.

He then abruptly concluded the interview, canceled an appearance with CNN's Wolf Blitzer and returned to his secure, undisclosed location, which is believed to be underground.

Experts were divided as to the impact of Mr. Cheney's brief appearance and sudden disappearance upon the duration of the current winter season.

"You can read anything you want into Cheney seeing his own shadow and going back underground," said Dr. Evan Cornwall of the University of Minnesota. "Yes, it may mean six more weeks of winter, but it may just mean that he's trying to stay as far away from the Enron mess as possible."

At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan attempted to downplay the increasingly widespread impression that Vice President Cheney can influence the seasons.

"It's absurd to suggest that the Vice President can control the weather," Mr. McClellan told reporters. "He's got his hands full controlling the world."

U.N. TO BEGIN WEAPONS INSPECTIONS SOMETIME BETWEEN 8 AND 12 THIS MORNING; ASKS IRAQ IF SOMEONE WILL BE HOME.

Saddam Demands "More Exact Time"

U.N. weapons inspectors have informed Iraq that they will be arriving to look for weapons of ma.s.s destruction sometime between 8 A.M. and 12 noon today and have asked if someone will be home to let them in.

In a potential roadblock to the weapons inspection process, however, Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein has demanded that the inspectors give "a more exact time" when he can expect them to arrive.

In a sharply worded statement, the Iraqi leader said he was "too busy oppressing my people and purging members of my own family to spend the entire morning waiting for the inspectors to show up."

Saddam added that the last time U.N. inspectors came to look for weapons of ma.s.s destruction in his country, "they said they'd come in the morning, and I waited until two in the afternoon before they finally showed up. It was totally bogus."

The weapons inspectors defended their tardiness, however, saying that Iraq had not been first on the schedule for that day and that weapons inspections in other rogue nations had "run late."