The Book of Snobs Part 17

'We have your favourite dinner,' says she, in a timid voice; 'won't you come, Sackville?'

'I shall take a chop here to-day, my dear,' Sackville replied. 'Home, James.' And he went up the steps of the 'Sarcophagus,' and the pretty face looked very sad out of the carriage, as the blue fly drove away.

CHAPTER XLIV--CLUB Sn.o.bS

Why--Why did I and Wagley ever do so cruel an action as to introduce young Sackville Maine into that odious 'Sarcophagus'? Let our imprudence and his example be a warning to other gents; let his fate and that of his poor wife be remembered by every British female. The consequences of his entering the Club were as follows:--

One of the first vices the unhappy wretch acquired in this abode of frivolity was that of SMOKING. Some of the dandies of the Club, such as the Marquis of Macabaw, Lord Doodeen, and fellows of that high order, are in the habit of indulging in this propensity upstairs in the billiard-rooms of the 'Sarcophagus'--and, partly to make their acquaintance, partly from a natural apt.i.tude for crime, Sackville Maine followed them, and became an adept in the odious custom. Where it is introduced into a family I need not say how sad the consequences are, both to the furniture and the morals. Sackville smoked in his dining-room at home, and caused an agony to his wife and mother-in-law which I do not venture to describe.

He then became a professed BILLIARD-PLAYER, wasting hours upon hours at that amus.e.m.e.nt; betting freely, playing tolerably, losing awfully to Captain Spot and Col. Cannon. He played matches of a hundred games with these gentlemen, and would not only continue until four or five o'clock in the morning at this work, but would be found at the Club of a forenoon, indulging himself to the detriment of his business, the ruin of his health, and the neglect of his wife.

From billiards to whist is but a step--and when a man gets to whist and five pounds on a rubber, my opinion is, that it is all up with him. How was the coal business to go on, and the connection of the firm to be kept up, and the senior partner always at the card-table?

Consorting now with genteel persons and Pall Mall bucks, Sackville became ashamed of his snug little residence in Kennington Oval, and transported his family to Pimlico, where, though Mrs. Chuff, his mother-in-law, was at first happy, as the quarter was elegant and near her Sovereign, poor little Laura and the children found a woful difference. Where were her friends who came in with their work of a morning?--At Kennington and in the vicinity of Clapham. 'Where were her children's little playmates?--On Kennington Common. The great thundering carriages that roared up and down the drab-coloured streets of the new quarter, contained no friends for the sociable little Laura.

The children that paced the squares, attended by a BONNE or a prim governess, were not like those happy ones that flew kites, or played hop-scotch, on the well-beloved old Common. And ah! what a difference at Church too!--between St. Benedict's of Pimlico, with open seats, service in sing-song--tapers--albs--surplices--garlands and processions, and the honest old ways of Kennington! The footmen, too, attending St.

Benedict's were so splendid and enormous, that James, Mrs. Chuff's boy, trembled amongst them, and said he would give warning rather than carry the books to that church any more.

The furnishing of the house was not done without expense.

And, ye G.o.ds! what a difference there was between Sackville's dreary French banquets in Pimlico, and the jolly dinners at the Oval! No more legs-of-mutton, no more of 'the best port-wine in England;' but ENTREES on plate, and dismal twopenny champagne, and waiters in gloves, and the Club bucks for company--among whom Mrs. Chuff was uneasy and Mrs.

Sackville quite silent.

Not that he dined at home often. The wretch had become a perfect epicure, and dined commonly at the Club with the gormandising clique there; with old Doctor Maw, Colonel Cramley (who is as lean as a greyhound and has jaws like a jack), and the rest of them. Here you might see the wretch tippling Sillery champagne and gorging himself with French viands; and I often looked with sorrow from my table, (on which cold meat, the Club small-beer, and a half-pint of Marsala form the modest banquet,) and sighed to think it was my work.

And there were other beings present to my repentant thoughts. Where's his wife, thought I? Where's poor, good, kind little Laura? At this very moment--it's about the nursery bed-time, and while yonder good-for-nothing is swilling his wine--the little ones are at Laura's knees lisping their prayers: and she is teaching them to say--'Pray G.o.d bless Papa.'

When she has put them to bed, her day's occupation is gone; and she is utterly lonely all night, and sad, and waiting for him.

Oh, for shame! Oh, for shame! Go home, thou idle tippler.

How Sackville lost his health: how he lost his business; how he got into sc.r.a.pes; how he got into debt; how he became a railroad director; how the Pimlico house was shut up; how he went to Boulogne,--all this I could tell, only I am too much ashamed of my part of the transaction.

They returned to England, because, to the surprise of everybody, Mrs.

Chuff came down with a great sum of money (which n.o.body knew she had saved), and paid his liabilities. He is in England; but at Kennington.

His name is taken off the books of the 'Sarcophagus' long ago. When we meet, he crosses over to the other side of the street; I don't call, as I should be sorry to see a look of reproach or sadness in Laura's sweet face.

Not, however, all evil, as I am proud to think, has been the influence of the Sn.o.b of England upon Clubs in general:--Captain Shindy is afraid to bully the waiters any more, and eats his mutton-chop without moving Acheron. Gobemouche does not take more than two papers at a time for his private reading. Tiggs does not ring the bell and cause the library-waiter to walk about a quarter of a mile in order to give him Vol. II., which lies on the next table. Growler has ceased to walk from table to table in the coffee-room, and inspect what people are having for dinner. Trotty Veck takes his own umbrella from the hall--the cotton one; and Sydney Sc.r.a.per's paletot lined with silk has been brought back by Jobbins, who entirely mistook it for his own. Wiggle has discontinued telling stories about the ladies he has killed. Snooks does not any more think it gentlemanlike to blackball attorneys. Snuffler no longer publicly spreads out his great red cotton pocket-handkerchief before the fire, for the admiration of two hundred gentlemen; and if one Club Sn.o.b has been brought back to the paths of rect.i.tude, and if one poor John has been spared a journey or a scolding--say, friends and brethren if these sketches of Club Sn.o.bs have been in vain?

CONCLUDING OBSERVATIONS ON Sn.o.bS

How it is that we have come to No. 45 of this present series of papers, my dear friends and brother Sn.o.bs, I hardly know--but for a whole mortal year have we been together, prattling, and abusing the human race; and were we to live for a hundred years more, I believe there is plenty of subject for conversation in the enormous theme of Sn.o.bs.

The national mind is awakened to the subject. Letters pour in every day, conveying marks of sympathy; directing the attention of the Sn.o.b of England to races of Sn.o.bs yet undescribed. 'Where are your Theatrical Sn.o.bs; your Commercial Sn.o.bs; your Medical and Chirurgical Sn.o.bs; your Official Sn.o.bs; your Legal Sn.o.bs; your Artistical Sn.o.bs; your Musical Sn.o.bs; your Sporting Sn.o.bs?' write my esteemed correspondents. 'Surely you are not going to miss the Cambridge Chancellor election, and omit showing up your Don Sn.o.bs, who are coming, cap in hand, to a young Prince of six-and-twenty, and to implore him to be the chief of their renowned University?' writes a friend who seals with the signet of the Cam and Isis Club. 'Pray, pray,' cries another, 'now the Operas are opening, give us a lecture about Omnibus Sn.o.bs.' Indeed, I should like to write a chapter about the Sn.o.bbish Dons very much, and another about the Sn.o.bbish Dandies. Of my dear Theatrical Sn.o.bs I think with a pang; and I can hardly break away from some Sn.o.bbish artists, with whom I have long, long intended to have a palaver.

But what's the use of delaying? When these were done there would be fresh Sn.o.bs to pourtray. The labour is endless. No single man could complete it. Here are but fifty-two bricks--and a pyramid to build. It is best to stop. As Jones always quits the room as soon as he has said his good thing,--as Cincinnatus and General Washington both retired into private life in the height of their popularity,--as Prince Albert, when he laid the first stone of the Exchange, left the bricklayers to complete that edifice and went home to his royal dinner,--as the poet Bunn comes forward at the end of the season, and with feelings too tumultuous to describe, blesses his KYIND friends over the footlights: so, friends, in the flush of conquest and the splendour of victory, amid the shouts and the plaudits of a people--triumphant yet modest--the Sn.o.b of England bids ye farewell.

But only for a season. Not for ever. No, no. There is one celebrated author whom I admire very much--who has been taking leave of the public any time these ten years in his prefaces, and always comes back again when everybody is glad to see him. How can he have the heart to be saying good-bye so often? I believe that Bunn is affected when he blesses the people. Parting is always painful. Even the familiar bore is dear to you. I should be sorry to shake hands even with Jawkins for the last time. I think a well-const.i.tuted convict, on coming home from transportation, ought to be rather sad when he takes leave of Van Diemen's Land. When the curtain goes down on the last night of a pantomime, poor old clown must be very dismal, depend on it. Ha! with what joy he rushes forward on the evening of the 26th of December next, and says--'How are you?--Here we are!' But I am growing too sentimental:--to return to the theme.

THE NATIONAL MIND IS AWAKENED TO THE SUBJECT OF Sn.o.bS. The word Sn.o.b has taken a place in our honest English vocabulary. We can't define it, perhaps. We can't say what it is, any more than we can define wit, or humour, or humbug; but we KNOW what it is. Some weeks since, happening to have the felicity to sit next to a young lady at a hospitable table, where poor old Jawkins was holding forth in a very absurd pompous manner, I wrote upon the spotless damask 'S--B,' and called my neighbour's attention to the little remark.

That young lady smiled. She knew it at once. Her mind straightway filled up the two letters concealed by apostrophic reserve, and I read in her a.s.senting eyes that she knew Jawkins was a Sn.o.b. You seldom get them to make use of the word as yet, it is true; but it is inconceivable how pretty an expression their little smiling mouths a.s.sume when they speak it out. If any young lady doubts, just let her go up to her own room, look at herself steadily in the gla.s.s, and say 'Sn.o.b.' If she tries this simple experiment, my life for it, she will smile, and own that the word becomes her mouth amazingly. A pretty little round word, all composed of soft letters, with a hiss at the beginning, just to make it piquant, as it were.

Jawkins, meanwhile, went on blundering, and bragging and boring, quite unconsciously. And so he will, no doubt, go on roaring and braying, to the end of time or at least so long as people will hear him. You cannot alter the nature of men and Sn.o.bs by any force of satire; as, by laying ever so many stripes on a donkey's back, you can't turn him into a zebra.

But we can warn the neighbourhood that the person whom they and Jawkins admire is an impostor. We apply the Sn.o.b test to him, and try whether he is conceited and a quack, whether pompous and lacking humility--whether uncharitable and proud of his narrow soul? How does he treat a great man--how regard a small one? How does he comport himself in the presence of His Grace the Duke; and how in that of Smith the tradesman?

And it seems to me that all English society is cursed by this mammoniacal superst.i.tion; and that we are sneaking and bowing and cringing on the one hand, or bullying and scorning on the other, from the lowest to the highest. My wife speaks with great circ.u.mspection--'proper pride,' she calls it--to our neighbour the tradesman's lady: and she, I mean Mrs. Sn.o.b,--Eliza--would give one of her eyes to go to Court, as her cousin, the Captain's wife, did. She, again, is a good soul, but it costs her agonies to be obliged to confess that we live in Upper Thompson Street, Somers Town. And though I believe in her heart Mrs. Whiskerington is fonder of us than of her cousins, the Smigsmags, you should hear how she goes on prattling about Lady Smigsmag,--and 'I said to Sir John, my dear John;' and about the Smigsmags' house and parties in Hyde Park Terrace.

Lady Smigsmag, when she meets Eliza,--who is a sort of a kind of a species of a connection of the family, pokes out one finger, which my wife is at liberty to embrace in the most cordial manner she can devise.

But oh, you should see her ladyship's behaviour on her first-chop dinner-party days, when Lord and Lady Longears come!

I can bear it no longer--this diabolical invention of gentility which kills natural kindliness and honest friendship. Proper pride, indeed!

Rank and precedence, forsooth! The table of ranks and degrees is a lie, and should be flung into the fire. Organize rank and precedence! that was well for the masters of ceremonies of former ages. Come forward, some great marshal, and organize Equality in society, and your rod shall swallow up all the juggling old court goldsticks. If this is not gospel-truth--if the world does not tend to this--if hereditary-great-man worship is not a humbug and an idolatry--let us have the Stuarts back again, and crop the Free Press's ears in the pillory.

If ever our cousins, the Smigsmags, asked me to meet Lord Longears, I would like to take an opportunity after dinner and say, in the most good-natured way in the world:--Sir, Fortune makes you a present of a number of thousand pounds every year. The ineffable wisdom of our ancestors has placed you as a chief and hereditary legislator over me.

Our admirable Const.i.tution (the pride of Britons and envy of surrounding nations) obliges me to receive you as my senator, superior, and guardian. Your eldest son, Fitz-Heehaw, is sure of a place in Parliament; your younger sons, the De Brays, will kindly condescend to be post-captains and lieutenants-colonels, and to represent us in foreign courts or to take a good living when it falls convenient.

These prizes our admirable Const.i.tution (the pride and envy of, &c.) p.r.o.nounces to be your due: without count of your dulness, your vices, your selfishness; or your entire incapacity and folly. Dull as you may be (and we have as good a right to a.s.sume that my lord is an a.s.s, as the other proposition, that he is an enlightened patriot);--dull, I say, as you may be, no one will accuse you of such monstrous folly, as to suppose that you are indifferent to the good luck which you possess, or have any inclination to part with it. No--and patriots as we are, under happier circ.u.mstances, Smith and I, I have no doubt, were we dukes ourselves, would stand by our order.

We would submit good-naturedly to sit in a high place. We would acquiesce in that admirable Const.i.tution (pride and envy of, &c.) which made us chiefs and the world our inferiors; we would not cavil particularly at that notion of hereditary superiority which brought many simple people cringing to our knees. May be we would rally round the Corn-Laws; we would make a stand against the Reform Bill; we would die rather than repeal the Acts against Catholics and Dissenters; we would, by our n.o.ble system of cla.s.s-legislation, bring Ireland to its present admirable condition.

But Smith and I are not Earls as yet. 'We don't believe that it is for the interest of Smith's army that De Bray should be a Colonel at five-and-twenty, of Smith's diplomatic relations that Lord Longears should go Amba.s.sador to Constantinople,--of our politics, that Longears should put his hereditary foot into them.

This bowing and cringing Smith believes to be the act of Sn.o.bs; and he will do all in his might and main to be a Sn.o.b and to submit to Sn.o.bs no longer. To Longears he says, 'We can't help seeing, Longears, that we are as good as you. We can spell even better; can think quite as rightly; we will not have you for our master, or black your shoes any more. Your footmen do it, but they are paid; and the fellow who comes to get a list of the company when you give a banquet or a dancing breakfast at Longueoreille House, gets money from the newspapers for performing that service. But for us, thank you for nothing, Longears my boy, and we don't wish to pay you any more than we owe. We will take off our hats to Wellington because he is Wellington; but to you--who are you?'

I am sick of COURT CIRCULARS. I loathe HAUT-TON intelligence. I believe such words as Fashionable, Exclusive, Aristocratic, and the like, to be wicked, unchristian epithets, that ought to be banished from honest vocabularies. A Court system that sends men of genius to the second table, I hold to be a Sn.o.bbish system. A society that sets up to be polite, and ignores Arts and Letters, I hold to be a Sn.o.bbish society.

You, who despise your neighbour, are a Sn.o.b; you, who forget your own friends, meanly to follow after those of a higher degree, are a Sn.o.b; you, who are ashamed of your poverty, and blush for your calling, are a Sn.o.b; as are you who boast of your pedigree, or are proud of your wealth.

To laugh at such is MR. PUNCH'S business. May he laugh honestly, hit no foul blow, and tell the truth when at his very broadest grin--never forgetting that if Fun is good, Truth is still better, and Love best of all.