The Book of Humorous Verse Part 26

Then I met another guy-- Hungry! well, I thought I'd die!

But I couldn't make him buy.

Ain't it awful, Mabel?

Lots of men has called me dear, Said without me life was drear, But men is all so unsincere!

Ain't it awful, Mabel?

I tell you, life is mighty hard, I've had proposals by the yard-- Some of 'em would 'a had me starred.

Ain't it awful, Mabel?

Remember that sealskin sacque of mine?

When I got it, look'd awful fine-- I found out it was a shine.

Ain't it awful, Mabel?

Prima donna's sore on me; My roses had her up a tree-- I jest told her to "twenty-three."

Ain't it awful, Mabel?

My dear, she went right out and wired The New York office to have me "fired"; But say! 'twas the author had me hired.

Ain't it awful, Mabel?

I think hotels is awful mean, Jim and me put out of room sixteen-- An' we was only readin' Laura Jean.

Ain't it awful, Mabel?

The way folks talk about us too; For the smallest thing we do-- 'Nuff to make a girl feel blue.

Ain't it awful, Mabel?

My Gawd! is that the overture?

I never will be on, I'm sure-- The things us actresses endure, Ain't it awful, Mabel?

_John Edward Hazzard._

WING TEE WEE

Oh, Wing Tee Wee Was a sweet Chinee, And she lived in the town of Tac.

Her eyes were blue, And her curling queue Hung dangling down her back; And she fell in love with gay Win Sil When he wrote his name on a laundry bill.

And, oh, Tim Told Was a pirate bold, And he sailed in a Chinese junk; And he loved, ah me!

Sweet Wing Tee Wee, But his valiant heart had sunk; So he drowned his blues in fickle fizz, And vowed the maid would yet be his.

So bold Tim Told Showed all his gold To the maid in the town of Tac; And sweet Wing Wee Eloped to sea, And nevermore came back; For in far Chinee the maids are fair, And the maids are false,--as everywhere.

_J. P. Denison._

PHYLLIS LEE

Beside a Primrose 'broider'd Rill Sat Phyllis Lee in Silken Dress Whilst Lucius limn'd with loving skill Her likeness, as a Shepherdess.

Yet tho' he strove with loving skill His Brush refused to work his Will.

"Dear Maid, unless you close your Eyes I cannot paint to-day," he said; "Their Brightness shames the very Skies And turns their Turquoise into Lead."

Quoth Phyllis, then, "To save the Skies And speed your Brush, I'll shut my Eyes."

Now when her Eyes were closed, the Dear, Not dreaming of such Treachery, Felt a Soft Whisper in her Ear, "Without the Light, how can one See?"

"If you are _sure_ that none can see I'll keep them shut," said Phyllis Lee.

_Oliver Herford._

THE SORROWS OF WERTHER

Werther had a love for Charlotte Such as words could never utter; Would you know how first he met her?

She was cutting bread and b.u.t.ter.

Charlotte was a married lady, And a moral man was Werther, And for all the wealth of Indies, Would do nothing for to hurt her.

So he sigh'd and pined and ogled, And his pa.s.sion boil'd and bubbled, Till he blew his silly brains out, And no more was by it troubled.

Charlotte, having seen his body Borne before her on a shutter, Like a well-conducted person, Went on cutting bread and b.u.t.ter.

_W. M. Thackeray._

THE UNATTAINABLE

Tom's alb.u.m was filled with the pictures of belles Who had captured his manly heart, From the fairy who danced for the front-row swells To the maiden who tooled her cart; But one face as fair as a cloudless dawn Caught my eye, and I said, "Who's this?"

"Oh, that," he replied, with a skilful yawn, "Is the girl I couldn't kiss."

Her face was the best in the book, no doubt, But I hastily turned the leaf, For my friend had let his cigar go out, And I knew I had bared his grief: For caresses we win and smiles we gain Yield only a transient bliss, And we're all of us p.r.o.ne to sigh in vain For "the girl we couldn't kiss."

_Harry Romaine._

RORY O'MORE; OR, GOOD OMENS