The Book of Humorous Verse Part 190

O say, have you seen at the Willows so green-- So charming and rurally true-- A Singular bird; with a manner absurd, Which they call the Australian Emeu?

Have you?

Ever seen this Australian Emeu?

It trots all around with its head on the ground, Or erects it quite out of your view; And the ladies all cry, when its figure they spy, "O, what a sweet pretty Emeu!

Oh! do Just look at that lovely Emeu!"

One day to this spot, when the weather was hot, Came Matilda Hortense Fortescue; And beside her there came a youth of high name Augustus Florell Montague: The two Both loved that wild foreign Emeu.

With two loaves of bread then they fed it, instead Of the flesh of the white c.o.c.katoo, Which once was its food in that wild neighbourhood Where ranges the sweet kangaroo That, too, Is game for the famous Emeu!

Old saws and gimlets but its appet.i.te whet Like the world famous bark of Peru; There's nothing so hard that the bird will discard, And nothing its taste will eschew, That you Can give that long-legged Emeu!

The time slipped away in this innocent play, When up jumped the bold Montague: "Where's that specimen pin that I gaily did win In raffle, and gave unto you, Fortescue?"

No word spoke the guilty Emeu!

"Quick! tell me his name whom thou gavest that same, Ere these hands in thy blood I imbrue!"

"Nay, dearest," she cried as she clung to his side, "I'm innocent as that Emeu!"

"Adieu!"

He replied, "Miss M. H. Fortescue!"

Down she dropped at his feet, all as white as a sheet, As wildly he fled from her view; He thought 'twas her sin--for he knew not the pin Had been gobbled up by the Emeu; All through "I'm innocent as that Emeu!"

_Bret Harte._

THE TURTLE AND FLAMINGO

A lively young turtle lived down by the banks Of a dark rolling stream called the Jingo; And one summer day, as he went out to play, Fell in love with a charming flamingo-- An enormously genteel flamingo!

An expansively crimson flamingo!

A beautiful, bouncing flamingo!

Spake the turtle, in tones like a delicate wheeze: "To the water I've oft seen you in go, And your form has impressed itself deep on my sh.e.l.l, You perfectly modelled flamingo!

You tremendously A-1 flamingo!

You in-ex-press-_i_-ble flamingo!

"To be sure, I'm a turtle, and you are a belle, And my language is not your fine lingo; But smile on me, tall one, and be my bright flame, You miraculous, wondrous flamingo!

You blazingly beauteous flamingo!

You turtle-absorbing flamingo!

You inflammably gorgeous flamingo!"

Then the proud bird blushed redder than ever before, And that was quite un-nec-es-_sa_-ry, And she stood on one leg and looked out of one eye, The position of things for to vary,-- This aquatical, musing flamingo!

This dreamy, uncertain flamingo!

This embarrasing, hara.s.sing flamingo!

Then she cried to the quadruped, greatly amazed: "Why your pa.s.sion toward _me_ do you hurtle?

I'm an ornithological wonder of grace, And you're an illogical turtle,-- A waddling, impossible turtle!

A low-minded, gra.s.s-eating turtle!

A highly improbable turtle!"

Then the turtle sneaked off with his nose to the ground And never more looked at the la.s.ses; And falling asleep, while indulging his grief, Was gobbled up whole by Aga.s.siz,-- The peripatetic Aga.s.siz!

The turtle-dissecting Aga.s.siz!

The ill.u.s.trious, industrious Aga.s.siz!

Go with me to Cambridge some cool, pleasant day, And the skeleton lover I'll show you; He's in a hard case, but he'll look in your face, Pretending (the rogue!) he don't know you!

Oh, the deeply deceptive young turtle!

The double-faced, gla.s.sy-cased turtle!

The _green_ but a very _mock_ turtle!

_James Thomas Fields._

XV

JUNIORS

PRIOR TO MISS BELLE'S APPEARANCE

What makes you come _here_ fer, Mister, So much to _our_ house?--_Say_?

Come to see our big sister!-- An' Charley he says 'at you kissed her An' he ketched you, thuther day!-- Didn' you, Charley?--But we p'omised Belle And crossed our heart to never to tell-- 'Cause _she_ gived us some o' them-er Chawk'lut-drops 'at you bringed to her!

Charley he's my little b'uther-- An' we has a-mostest fun, Don't we, Charley?--Our m.u.t.h.e.r, Whenever we whips one-anuther, Tries to whip _us_--an' we _run_-- Don't we, Charley?--An' nen, bime-by, Nen she gives us cake--an' pie-- Don't she, Charley?--when we come in An' p'omise never to do it agin!

_He's_ named Charley.--I'm _Willie_-- An' I'm got the purtiest name!

But Uncle Bob _he_ calls me "Billy"-- Don't he, Charley?--'Nour filly We named "Billy," the same Ist like me! An' our Ma said 'At "Bob put foolishnuss into our head!"-- Didn' she, Charley?--An' _she_ don't know Much about _boys_!--'Cause Bob said so!

Baby's a funniest feller!

Naint no hair on his head-- _Is_ they, Charley? It's meller Wite up there! An' ef Belle er Us ask wuz _we_ that way, Ma said,-- "Yes; an' yer _Pa's_ head wuz soft as that, An' it's that way yet!"--An' Pa grabs his hat An' says, "Yes, childern, she's right about Pa-- 'Cause that's the reason he married yer Ma!"

An' our Ma says 'at "Belle couldn'

Ketch nothin 'at all but ist _'bows!'_"

An' _Pa_ says 'at "you're soft as puddun!"-- An _Uncle Bob_ says "you're a good-un-- 'Cause he can tell by yer nose!"-- Didn' he, Charley? And when Belle'll play In the poller on th' pianer, some day, Bob makes up funny songs about you, Till she gits mad--like he wants her to!

Our sister _f.a.n.n.y_, she's _'leven_ Years old. 'At's mucher 'an _I_-- Ain't it, Charley?... I'm seven!-- But our sister f.a.n.n.y's in _Heaven_!

Nere's where you go ef you die!-- Don't you, Charley? Nen you has _wings_-- _Ist like f.a.n.n.y_!--an' _purtiest things_!-- Don't you, Charley? An' nen you can _fly_-- Ist fly--an' _ever'_thing!... Wisht _I'd_ die!

_James Whitcomb Riley._