The Book of Humorous Verse Part 168

Then we drop from the heights atmospheric To Herrick, Or we pour the Greek honey, grown blander, Of Landor;

Or our cosiest nook in the shade is Where Praed is, Or we toss the light bells of the mocker With Locker.

Oh, the song where not one of the Graces Tight-laces,-- Where we woo the sweet Muses not starchly But archly,--

Where the verse, like a piper a-Maying, Comes playing,-- And the rhyme is as gay as a dancer In answer,--

It will last till men weary of pleasure In measure!

It will last till men weary of laughter ...

And after!

_Austin Dobson._

TO A THESAURUS

O precious code, volume, tome, Book, writing, compilation, work Attend the while I pen a pome, A jest, a j.a.pe, a quip, a quirk.

For I would pen, engross, indite, Transcribe, set forth, compose, address, Record, submit--yea, even write An ode, an elegy to bless--

To bless, set store by, celebrate, Approve, esteem, endow with soul, Commend, acclaim, appreciate, Immortalize, laud, praise, extol.

Thy merit, goodness, value, worth, Experience, utility-- O manna, honey, salt of earth, I sing, I chant, I worship thee!

How could I manage, live, exist, Obtain, produce, be real, prevail, Be present in the flesh, subsist, Have place, become, breathe or inhale.

Without thy help, recruit, support, Opitulation, furtherance, a.s.sistance, rescue, aid, resort, Favour, sustention and advance?

Alack! Alack! and well-a-day!

My case would then be dour and sad, Likewise distressing, dismal, gray, Pathetic, mournful, dreary, bad.

Though I could keep this up all day, This lyric, elegiac, song, Meseems hath come the time to say Farewell! Adieu! Good-by! So long!

_Franklin P. Adams._

THE FUTURE OF THE CLa.s.sICS

No longer, O scholars, shall Plautus Be taught us.

No more shall professors be partial To Martial.

No ninny Will stop playing "shinney"

For Pliny.

Not even the veriest Mexican Greaser Will stop to read Caesar.

No true son of Erin will leave his potato To list to the love-lore of Ovid or Plato.

Old Homer, That hapless old roamer, Will ne'er find a rest 'neath collegiate dome or Anywhere else. As to Seneca, Any cur Safely may snub him, or urge ill Effects from the reading of Virgil.

Cornelius Nepos Wont keep us Much longer from pleasure's light errands-- Nor Terence.

The irreverent now may all scoff in ease At the shade of poor old Aristophanes.

And moderns it now doth behoove in all Ways to despise poor old Juvenal; And to chivvy Livy.

The cla.s.s-room hereafter will miss a row Of eager young students of Cicero.

The 'longsh.o.r.eman--yes, and the dock-rat, he's Down upon Socrates.

And what'll Induce us to read Aristotle?

We shall fail in Our duty to Galen.

No tutor henceforward shall rack us To construe old Horatius Flaccus.

We have but a wretched opinion Of Mr. Justinian.

In our cla.s.sical pabulum mix we've no wee sop Of aesop.

Our balance of intellect asks for no ballast From Sall.u.s.t.

With feminine scorn no fair Va.s.sar-bred la.s.s at us Shall smile if we own that we cannot read Tacitus.

No admirer shall ever now weathe with begonias The bust of Suetonius.

And so, if you follow me, We'll have to cut Ptolemy.

Besides, it would just be considered facetious To look at Lucretius.

And you can Not go in Society if 'you read Lucan, And we cannot have any fun Out of Xenophon.

_Unknown._

CAUTIONARY VERSES

My little dears, who learn to read, pray early, learn to shun That very silly thing indeed which people call a pun; Read Entick's rules, and 'twill be found how simple an offence It is to make the selfsame sound afford a double sense.

For instance, ale may make you ail, your aunt an ant may kill, You in a vale may buy a veil and Bill may pay the bill.

Or if to France your bark you steer, at Dover it may be A peer appears upon the pier, who blind, still goes to sea.

Thus, one might say, when, to a treat, good friends accept our greeting, 'Tis meet that men who meet to eat should eat their meat when meeting; Brawn on the board's no bore indeed, although from boar prepared; Nor can the fowl on which we feed, foul feeding be declared.

Thus one ripe fruit may be a pear, and yet be pared again, And still be one, which seemeth rare until we do explain.

It therefore should be all your aim to speak with ample care, For who, however fond of game, would choose to swallow hair?

A fat man's gait may make us smile, who have no gate to close; The farmer sitting on his stile no stylish person knows.

Perfumers men of scents must be; some Scilly men are bright; A brown man oft deep read we see, a black a wicked wight.

Most wealthy men good manors have, however vulgar they; And actors still the harder slave the oftener they play; So poets can't the baize obtain, unless their tailors choose; While grooms and coachmen, not in vain, each evening seek the Mews.

The dyer, who by dyeing lives, a dire life maintains; The glazier, it is known, receives his profits for his panes; By gardeners thyme is tied, 'tis true, when spring is in its prime, But time or tide won't wait for you if you are tied for time.

Then now you see, my little dears, the way to make a pun; A trick which you, through coming years, should sedulously shun; The fault admits of no defence; for wheresoe'er 'tis found, You sacrifice for sound the sense; the sense is never sound.

So let your words and actions too, one single meaning prove, And, just in all you say or do, you'll gain esteem and love; In mirth and play no harm you'll know when duty's task is done, But parents ne'er should let you go unpunished for a pun!