The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 59

A SCHOOL TEACHER.

A GENTLEMAN from Swampville, State of New York, was telling how many different occupations he had attempted. Among others he had tried school teaching. "How long did you teach?" asked a by-stander.

"Wal, I didn't teach long; that is, I only _went_ to teach."

"Did you hire out?"

"Wal, I didn't hire out; I only _went_ to hire out."

"Why did you give it up?"

"Wal, I gave it up--for some reason or nuther. You see, I traveled into a deestrict and inquired for the trustees. Somebody said Mr. Snickles was the man I wanted to see. So I found Mr. Snickles,--named my objic--interduced myself--and asked him what he thought about lettin'

me try my luck with the big boys and unruly gals of the deestrict. He wanted to know if I really thought myself capable; and I told him I wouldn't mind him asken me a few easy questions in 'rithmetic, jography, or showin' my handwritin'. But he said, No, never mind, he could tell a good teacher by his _gait_. 'Let me see you walk off a little ways,'

says he, 'and I can tell jis's well's I'd heared you examined,' says he.

"He sot in the door as he spoke, and I thought, he looked a little skittish; but I was consider'bly frustrated, and didn't mind much; so I turned about and walked off as smart as I know'd how. He said he would tell me when to stop, so I kep' on 'till I tho't I'd gone far 'nough; I then 'spected suthin' was to pay, and looked round. _The door was shet, and Snickles was gone!_"

POSTHUMOUS HONOR.

"SANCHO," said a dying planter to his faithful slave, "for your services I shall leave it in my will, that you shall be buried in our family vault." "Ah, Ma.s.sa!" replied Sancho, "me rather have de money or de freedom. Besides, if the devil come in the dark to look for ma.s.sa, he make the mistake, and carry away poor negro man."

THE ANTIGALLICAN.

A FRENCHMAN in a coffee-house called for a gill of wine, which was brought him in a gla.s.s. He said it was the _French_ custom to bring wine in a _measure_. The waiter answered, "Sir, we wish for no _French measures_ here."

SWEET DEFINITION.

A SPRIGHTLY school girl who attends the "Central High," where the teachers have a way of inciting the pupils to understand what they say in the cla.s.ses, was reading the "Last of the Huggermuggers;" and stirred by the spirit of inquiry, stimulated by her teachers, if not by natural feminine curiosity, asked a boy cousin of hers, the meaning of huggermugger. John looked thoughtful for a moment, and then said--"I'll show you;" and before the incipient woman had time to make any further remark, John had his arm around her waist, and subjected it to a gentle pressure--"That's hugger; and this," putting his lips to hers in affectionate collision, "is _mug ger_!" "Yes," said the not more than half displeased Sarah Ann, "and this is the _last_ of the huggermuggers, for if you ever attempt to give me another such definition, I'll box your ears. I've a great mind to tell Mr. Hall, as I go to school, what sort of dictionary you are carrying about you all the time."--_Boston Transcript._

COULDN'T AFFORD IT.

"I DON'T care much about the bugs," said Mr. Wormly to the head of a genteel private boarding house, "but the fact is, Madam, I havn't the blood to spare--you see that yourself."

PULL DEVIL--PULL BAKER.

A QUESTION for the Spike Society. "Would the devil beat his wife if he had one?" "Guess not--for the women generally beat the devil."

PROVOKING.

"HALLO, boy, did you see a rabbit cross the road there just now?"

"A rabbit?"

"Yes, be quick! a rabbit."

"Was it a kinder gray varmint?"

"Yes, yes!"

"A longish critter, with a short tail?"

"Yes, be quick or he'll gain his burrow."

"Had it long legs behind, and big ears?"

"Yes, yes!"

"And sorter jumps when it runs?"

"Yes, I tell you; jumps when it runs!"

"Well, I hain't seen such a critter about here."

WHEN PRESIDENTS DINE.

ON Davy Crocket's return to his const.i.tuents after his first session in Congress, a nation of them surrounded him one day, and began to interrogate him about Washington.