The Birds And The Bees Part 12

'I was just going to ask!' snapped Edna. 'I don't know, you can cause an argument in an empty house, can't you?' she continued. 'No wonder your fella b.u.g.g.e.red off.'

Stevie ended the call politely before it degenerated into all the other conversations they had, where she ended up feeling surplus to requirements. Edna Honeywell made Ros's heart look like a goosedown pillow.

Stevie told her dad that she and Matthew had decided to take some time apart and re-think things through. She gave him her new address.

'Nay, la.s.s, never,' said Jack Honeywell, strangely drawing the same conclusion as her mother. 'He wants shooting. Can't keep it in their trousers, some lads,' which was rich, considering he had kept it well out of his trousers when he left her mum for Thick Neck. Then he cheated on Thick Neck for Cyclops, who lost her left eye in a fight years ago after being biffed in it with a bingo dabber. Neither woman had felt the slightest obligation to welcome Stevie into the step-family fold.

'Are you all right? Are you coping?' he asked solicitously.

'I'm fine, Dad. I've moved out. Danny's fine too by the way.'

'Good, give him a big kiss from his granddad. I nearly called in last week. We were pa.s.sing coming from Thelma's (Cyclops's) son's house. Good job we didn't, if you'd moved.'

'I only moved last night.'

'Oh.'

Stevie finished the conversation before it ended up like all the other calls to her dad, which made her feel insignificant and second-best to her step-family, and that if it weren't for the connection of blood, there would be no connection at all.

Next was the cake woman.

'I've already made the fruit cakes in the hexagonals you wanted. I'll have to keep the deposit and just not charge you for the icing,' she said grumpily.

'Thank you,' said Stevie, who didn't feel up for a fight. Was she just being ultra-sensitive, or was the world really such a hard, bitter place, she wondered. Did people think she was doing this for a joke, organizing a wedding and then cancelling it because there was nothing good on the telly? The wedding world was far more cold hard cash than it was warm hearts and flowers. Talking of which, the florist was next call. Thank G.o.d for gay male florists.

'Oh, you poor darling,' said Donny Badger before spitting, 'b.a.s.t.a.r.d!' like an irate cobra. If she had gone into the shop in person, she had no doubt he would have taken her in the back room and be plying her with biscuits and tissues by now, which might have been rather lovely because she so badly wanted someone to be nice to her. It was slightly disconcerting, the way everyone a.s.sumed she had been traded in for a better model. There seemed to be an awful lot of sceptics in the world. Maybe that's why her Midnight Moon books did so well, because her heroes and heroines were honourable and faithful and didn't hurt each other. True fantasy then. Stevie didn't want to turn into a hard-bitten cynic who didn't believe in love in real life any more. However, it was looking more and more as if any love that existed out there was never going to be for her.

'Look, love, what's your address again? I'll put you a full refund of your deposit in the post.'

Stevie started to give her old address, before correcting herself. She should have got a forwarding form from the post office for her mail, although her post going across the road would at least give her the excuse to have contact with Matthew again. In saying that, she wasn't 100 per cent sure that she wanted to have it whilst her nerves were in this raw, torn state. It would be like picking at a sore, rubbing salt in the woundall the cliches seemed to fit.

The photographer hadn't taken a deposit and was grumbling that he had turned someone away on that date for her. 'It's not my fault!' she wanted to scream at him.

The vicar offered counselling, which she kindly refused, but he was very sweet. The manageress of the White Swan promised to send the deposit back, if she didn't tell anyone, she said warmly, although any faith recovered was lost again with the horrible old printer who had just completed the order of services and said he had just put them and the invoice in the post, so she would have to stump up.

After him, Stevie couldn't face making another call. She composed a general letter on her computer to send out to the people on her side of the guest list.

The wedding is off, sorry folks.

Matthew is s.h.a.gging Jo MacLean.

Love, Stevie x Well, maybe not. The second draft was less blunt.

Due to unforeseen circ.u.mstances,

the wedding between

Matthew and me has been called off.

Please don't ring. I will be in touch.

Sorry, folks.

Hope you are all well.

Love Stevie (Honeywell) x It wasn't exactly literary genius but it was to the point and would do. She wondered how many of their guests would be of her mother's opinion and say, 'Well, I'm not surprised, he was far too good-looking for her.' It was one of many thoughts to torment her as she got on with the business of alternately addressing envelopes and wiping away the fat tears that were dropping from her eyes. Then, when she was done, she posted the letters as she went on her way to pick up her son from school, hoping no one at the school-gates would notice how red and puffed-up and sad her eyes were. Thank goodness, there was always a bout of conjunctivitis going around to blame it on.

Chapter 22.

In the Queens Hotel, and after a very nice evening meal, Jo had just finished packing.

'I know this is an awful thing to say, but thank goodness Stevie's left the house,' she said, shutting the last case. 'I did wonder if she would start playing silly games.'

'Well, she's actually got out a day early for us,' reminded Matthew.

'That was sweet of her in the circ.u.mstances but it wouldn't do her any good at all psychologically, being in that house any more,' said Jo. 'I so cannot wait to get into a decent bed. I hope she hasn't left the place in a real mess for you.'

'I wouldn't have thought so, knowing Stevie,' said Matthew. 'Wonder where she's living?' It was a question that had been circling his head like a lost homing pigeon since he picked up the message that morning. He hadn't really believed her when she had told him on Sunday that she had somewhere else to go, and so when he heard her on the answerphone, he was amazed. Of course, he hadn't picked up the actual call because he was convinced she was ringing him to ask for extra time, or worse, to cry and beg him to come back.

The porter started to load the cases into Matthew's and Jo's cars like a Tetris expert.

'You drop those off and come back for me,' said Jo. 'Just in case there are any nasty surprises waiting.'

'I shouldn't think-'

'I'll stay here and have some coffee, darling,' said Jo, brooking no argument. She gave him a long, warm kiss that reached all the way down to his toes before zooming back up to his groin, then she waved him off and headed back to Reception.

Matthew parked the car outside his house in Blossom Lane then entered it tentatively in case a ma.s.sive b.o.o.by-trapped hammer arced down and smacked him cartoon-style on the head. To his relief, nothing happened, but then he hadn't even considered that Stevie would have done anything malicious until Jo had put the thought into his head. Everything looked nice, tidyas it should beand there was lots more room now that Stevie's work corner had been freed up and her boxes of books had gone. The hotel was plush but he had missed the comfort of his house and he couldn't wait to climb into his lovely cosy bed with a lovely cosy Jo that evening.

He took the suitcases upstairs and found the undressed bed.

Oh h.e.l.l, he thought as it put paid to his plans to carry Jo over his threshold and then straight upstairs to tangle her up in the sheets. Then again, it was probably a bit much thinking Stevie would make up a bed in which she knew he might soon be making love to someone else. Still, he couldn't believe she hadn't done it for him. He got a nip of guilt for being so mean and batted it away. He knew that if he stopped to think how horrible they had been to Stevie, it would ruin his first evening at home with Jo.

He went back to the hotel for the rest of the cases, hoping that maybe Jo would have settled the bill. The holiday had cost him a fortune and he thought she might have stumped up for her share but no, she had merrily let him pay for the lot and thereby ruined his chances of borrowing a cash advance against his Visa for the mortgage. He couldn't hope that Stevie would pay it for him any more now.

It wasn't that Matthew didn't earn a good wage because he did. It was just that he had managed to acc.u.mulate quite a lot of debts that accounted for most of his outgoings. It was a typical story: boy gets a few Visas and goes a bit mad, boy gets a huge consolidating loan, boy blows consolidating loan on big-woofer stereo and plasma TV and designer clothes instead. Life was really too short not to have nice meals out and look the very best he could whilst he was young. A work colleague had dropped dead from a congenital heart defect when he was twenty-five; if there wasn't a lesson there, where was there one?

When Stevie moved in and offered to pay half the bills, he was determined to use the money he would save to finally become debt free, only to find that spending money on nice meals and flash clothes was even more fun with Jo. And he couldn't stop buying her presents, especially when he found out how she said thank you. The long and the short of it was that he just liked to spend money, except that he did not have any to spend any more. At least, not his own.

Stevie didn't earn a fortune but he'd rather taken advantage of her selfless generosity, and whilst she was paying all the bills, thinking she was helping him to clear off some of his debts, he was actually wining and dining Jo. He hadn't quite told either of them just how bad things were financiallya man has his pride, etcbut Stevie had been quite sweet about the little she knew anyway. She used to stuff his pocket with money if they went out with friends and he would produce it like a wizard and play the benevolent sybarite. He suspected Jo might not be quite so accommodating.

On the drive back to the hotel, he was thinking that he would need to approach the financial problem with Jo sooner rather than later because this holiday had just about wiped him out. His resolve doubled when she swanned regally out of the hotel to wait in the car, leaving him to settle the account there too. There was an embarra.s.sing moment when his Barclaycard was declined and he had to hunt around for his emergency Goldfish, which he was glad she hadn't been witness to. If the b.l.o.o.d.y basic bill wasn't bad enough, he discovered all the ironing services she had charged to the room, and she had just wasted another fifteen quid on coffee and farty little chocolate truffles whilst he had been engaged in taking the suitcases back to the house. Still, when she got her share from her divorce from MacLean, they would be laughing financially. Speculate to acc.u.mulate and all that.

He was like a kid who couldn't wait to unwrap his Christmas present when they got back to Blossom Lane. He lifted her over the threshold and shoved the door to with his foot so as not to interrupt his smooth pa.s.sage up the stairs, but giggling she broke away.

'Don't leave the suitcases in the car,' she said.

'Later,' he said s.e.xily, moving back in for more kisses.

'No way, my jewellery is in them,' she said, pressing him back out.

'Oh okay,' he said good-humouredly and went out to the Golf that she'd parked in his carport whilst his Punto stood behind it on the drive. There were lights on in the cottage across the road, he noticed. Lord, some people have more money than sense! Still, he wouldn't swap with them for what he had waiting for him behind his door.

Jo was running her finger around the surfaces when he got back inside.

'Well,' she said, 'I'm surprised. Had it been my man moving another woman in, I'd have made sure it was an absolute tip.'

'Stevie's not like that.'

'I don't mean to sound cruel, Matt, really I don't when I say this. Nice happy Stevie might not be like that but, as you know, unhappy scorned Stevie can be very nasty.'

'Hmmm,' said Matthew, although he knew that was slightly out of order. 'Nasty' was not a word he could truly a.s.sociate with his ex. Even when she told him how mad she had gone during the Mick business, she had not done anything that could truly be cla.s.sed as 'nasty'. Not making up a bed for him and his new lover hardly const.i.tuted cutting all the crotches out of his suits, although he realized he hadn't checked them. Sprinting quickly up the stairs, he threw open the wardrobe doors and flicked through them. Nope, all intact. Phew! Like he'd doubted her really! He knew Stevie like the back of his hand, although he had thought she would be more upset about them splitting up than she was. Admittedly, her total acceptance of the situation had surprised him. And even though he knew it was unreasonable, it had slightly annoyed him too.

Jo followed him up at a more leisurely pace and sussed out the wardrobe s.p.a.ce situation.

'So that's one suitcase worth, where do I put the others?' she said with a teasing smile.

'We'll figure it out,' he said. 'Personally I think you should throw all your clothes away and be naked for ever.'

She laughed, and he thought, b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, she's in my bedroom at last. He felt as thrilled as he did when he was in the same situation with Tina Tinker when they were seventeen and his mam and dad were away for the night.

'I see the bed's not made.' She poked the naked quilt.

'Do you care?'

'What do you think?'

'I think I want to see you undressed on it now.'

She slowly unb.u.t.toned her shirt, and the sensations that started to missile his brain knocked all thoughts of Visas and Mastercards and bank loans and overdrafts into Kingdom Come.

Chapter 23.

Nothing could have prepared Stevie for the sight that met her eyes as she went to close the kitchen blinds. She could not possibly have ever found a big enough piece of padding to protect her heart against it, not even on the World Wide Web. She jumped back from the window as if it had just given her a belt of electricity and hid in the shadows, wanting to move away but unable to. With a gruesome compulsion, she watched the smart red Golf drive cosily into Matthew's carport then his black Punto pull up behind it. Both drivers got out smiling, and then her ex-fiance scooped up her treacherous ex-friend in his arms and carried her Prince-Charming style into her ex-home. They were giggling, probably singing a song from Oklahoma as well, because that's what it looked likeHollywood happinessthe sort you dream of but only one person in a million ever gets, and it is never you. The door seemed to close slowly and magically behind them, and at that very moment it felt as if someone had whipped away the top layer of Stevie's skin and everything that possibly could, hurt and throbbed. What the h.e.l.l had possessed her to follow Adam MacLean's hare-brained scheme and move into this cottage, when she had known she would feel like this as soon as she saw them together? It was going to kill her, day after day after day. She could appreciate how Prometheus felt now, having his insides eternally picked at by a big bird for stealing fire from the G.o.ds. Except it was her that was being both stolen from and punished, and no prizes for guessing who the big bird was.

Mesmerized, she stayed there watching for sights of more animation, and was rewarded, if you could call it that, for her patience with the sight of Matthew speeding out again to get their suitcases, rushed and clumsy like some Ealing Comedy newlywed. Then she watched as the bedroom light went on upstairs, and then watched as it went off.

Her high-performance imagination made a best friend and a powerful enemy. When dealing with the Parises and Brandons at work, it had a good place, but here it tortured her with a horrible and vivid slideshow projection. They would have fallen onto the bed now, not even noticing that it hadn't been made. An orchestra was welling up behind them, the couple that were meant to be, the heaven-made match who would ride every tidal wave life threw at them, like champion golden Australian surfers. They would buy each other anniversary cards, years from now, with poems on page 3 that precised to 'we showed 'em, didn't we?' and their 'our song' would be something by Shania Twain. They would spend their lives bonking like beautiful body-perfect minks: Jo savouring Matt's toned, lightly muscular body and his big shoulders whilst Matthew marvelled in her velvet skin and her cellulite-free a.r.s.e. These were Stevie's thoughts as she stood in her Joseph and his Technicolor Dreamcoat dressing-gown and Totes Toasties, and continued to sip from a mint Options, which had long since gone cold.

She honestly did not know if she could go on. Her life was a shambles, her fiance was a love rat, her friend was a love rattess, she couldn't face writing any more and she was in a house she couldn't afford. Not only that, but she had not yet formally sorted out terms and conditions with a bloke she owed money to who had no qualms about bashing women he supposedly liked. So what would he do to women he couldn't stand the sight of? And what if McPsychopath demanded his oats instead of moneyand she didn't mean the Scott's Porage variety? Then again, she had to go on, because she had a weea little boy sleeping upstairs, wrapped round a cuddly Superhero, who needed his mam to be strong and to feed him and provide for him and give him a home other than a cardboard box on a street somewhere. Even if she was an old boot of a mam that had surprised no one by being dumped. Thank G.o.d she was only drinking cold hot chocolate and wasn't up to her forehead in gin because by now she would have had her Roy Orbison CD on and be upping the Kleenex shares by fifty quid each, and be in a very dangerous state of mind.

She did eventually doze off in bed that night, but only in between many wakings up that meant she bobbed in the shallow waters of sleep rather than surrendered to the deeper warm currents that rested the mind. Her dreams had a Hammer House of Horror certificate.

Stevie had read, and indeed written, about people who compartmentalized their pain, who put a jolly face on and confronted the world, even though their heart was cracking inside them, only to sob into their pillows when they were safely alone, but she didn't really believe anyone could manage it successfully. She found, however, the next morning, that she was living proof of the phenomenon. She scurried around the kitchen like Doris Day, for Danny's sake, tra-la-la-ing as she poured out Coco Pops and orange juice and made 'fresh cwoffee'. She kept the kitchen blinds open to a minimum, just enough to let some sunlight squeeze through them, but at an angle that didn't allow her to see anything of the house opposite, or the goings-on of the people within it.

As soon as Danny was safely in school, her whole body seemed to sag, not helped by the fact that a day of trying to sort out Paris and Brandon's fates awaited her. She knew another wasted morning of rubbish-quality writing would be the outcome, and that the only possible solution of working off some of the half-grief, half-murder feelings that were munching away inside her, lay up the road in Well Life.

It was the first time she had been since doing her Norman Wisdom routine on the treadmill, but contrary to her belief, no one nudged each other as she got on it or pointed her out. There were no, 'That's her's whispered a bit too loudly or sn.i.g.g.e.ring behind hands; she was once again consigned to the anonymous. Grabbing a towel, she put her bag in the locker and climbed aboard the treadmill carefully. She had forgotten her headphones so couldn't divert her thoughts by listening to Jeremy Kyle trying to sort out complicated dysfunctional lives on the overhead TVs. Maybe she should give him a ring.

She tried to blank her mind and keep her pacing rhythm true to the background music blasting out through the speakers, until she realized the track was 'Loneliness' and a connection sparked between her and the song. From then on, every time she heard it in the future, an accompanying image of herself lonely and rejected would loom up in her head, sadly trying to achieve the impossible by running on the spot. Her eyes started to leak again to her absolute horror, and she tried to build a quick surrept.i.tious eye-wipe into her routine, which nearly upset her balance. She had decided to rest the machine for a couple of minutes when she saw Adam MacLean heading directly towards her.

Oh farts!

She acted out a scene of 'something in my eye...oooh good, it's gone now' whilst waiting for the inevitable.

'Sohowryegeinun?' he said, in the mistaken belief that big volume would make her understand what the h.e.l.l he was saying. Seeing her look of utter confusion, he began again slowly, as if he was talking to a daft old aunt. 'So how arrre you getting on?'

'Fine,' she replied. 'I've just got something in my eye.'

'Aye, the place is full of flying things.'

She suspected that might have been sarcasm, but he wasn't giving any clues.

'Any news aboot yoor man?'

'He's...er...' Her voice started to wobble and she coughed. 'He moved in last night with...er...' She couldn't have said her name if there was a million pounds riding on it.

'So it's time to start a plan of action,' Adam said, after a big gulp.

'Right,' she replied warily. She rubbed her neck, which was straining because of the angle it had to achieve to talk to him up there.

He picked up on that and asked, 'Have ya time for a wee cup o' tea?'

'Um yes,' said Stevie, following five paces behind him to the coffee bar, where he grunted something about sitting down at a table (she thought) and then said something equally incomprehensible to the girl behind the counter who seemed to understand perfectly. It was obviously a prerequisite of his staff to be bi-lingual, she concluded. English and Caveman.

Stevie sat with her hands in the prayer position in between her knees. She was trembling. It wasn't unlike the sensation of waiting outside the headmaster's office for a roasting, which she had only had to do the once, and that was a case of mistaken ident.i.ty. To be there for a legitimate reason was bad enough, but to be there when you were innocent of the crime alleged (apple scrumping) had been terrifying. Fortunately her case for the defence was believed ('It couldn't have been me, I've got a fear of heights and I'd vomit if I climbed a tree'), especially after it was validated by Miss Crackett, the PE teacher, who had once been witness to her being sick from the top of the ropes. She was rightly exonerated, but that experience had left its scar. She had never been able to abide injustice.

Adam put down two cups of tea and a jug of milk and some sugars on the table and then sat down opposite to her, blocking out most of the light from the window behind him like a solar eclipse. He tipped the milk over hers first but she refused. Likewise the sugar.