The Bad Boy At Home Part 6

CHAPTER XXII.

ELECKSHUN DAY.--THE DUDES PEDDLIN DEMMERCRATICK TICKETS.-- THE METHYDISTS GO BACK ON THE G. O. P.--THE DEVIL AS A PERLITICKEL WIRE-PULLER.

Mr. Diry, at this ritin, I guess you're safe in hangin out the hemale chickin, cos all the reports from this city are givin Mr. Gil-ley a 'normous vote, and you bet this devil is feelin proud, cos didnt he nommernate the Guvner? And bout tomprro nite the hull Statel kno that he lected him, too.

I was kep orful busy this mornin till all our repeeters had scored there votes. Them Republercan fellers is orful trickey, and I had to do sum tall flyin round wile I was watchin them, so as they wuldnt steel our repeeters, wot we'd imported a purpose from Jursey and Fillydeify, and mak em vote in a nother preecinct for there ticket. They call that kinder business equalizin, but, in this case, it didnt equalize wurth a cent, cos I told them all that they warnted to keep there eyes on them fellers wot clamed they was Republercans, cos they was Pinky-ton's detecktives in disguise tryin to hatch up a case of illegal votin agen them. That scared em off, so they each took there 2 dollars and skipped over to Jersey Citty.

Soon as I got 'em safely off, I seen the Rerpublicans was gettin ahed of us, so me and Jimmy went down to the offis, and borrered the scientific editturs 'lectric pen, and rote bout 10,000 notes, addressin them to all the dudes whose names is in the di-recktary. Then Jimmy went out and got a lot of other messenger boys to take em round.

In less than half a hour the stretes of New York and Brooklyn was crowded with dudes (reel live dudes, livelier than they was ever known before), peddlin Demmercratick tickets round, and visertin all the taylors, and barbers, and thretnin to withdraw there custom if they didn't vote the strate Demmercratick ticket, and elecshunaire for Mr.

Gilley.

[Ill.u.s.tration: AND ROTE BOUT 10,000 NOTES ]

I guess I'll have to be round tomorro nite, cos there'll be sum fun, wen Lillyun c.u.ms out the stage dore cos every dude in New York has got a note wot red like this:

Sublime adored one--By the immortal sunflower you ware in your hallered b.u.t.tin-hole, and the admyrashun you bear your asthetick frend, vote for Mr. Gilley for Guvner, cos the delercate purple tint of his perfume absorbent, is quite too, too, and his long and s.h.a.ggy Bur-muder-oniyun cullered locks are jest too delish-us, and placed in the guvermentel cheer, will do much towards educatin the common hurd, to a appresheashun of our a.s.sthetick tastes. Besides that, I think the other Candydate, is too much of a 'orridley 'orrid, common cad. If you will do this much for me, I will meet you at the stage dore, tomorrer nite.

Yours, utterly in luv,

Lillyun Russell, Dudine.

Then I sent out notes to all the Bank Presidents and clerks, and nost everyone I culd think of wot had the handlin of other peepels munney.

They wus short and sweet, but sum how they brot out a orful lot of voters. The notes red like this:

If you kno wots good for you, you'll vote for Joe Gilley for Guvner.

Remember. From one who knos you as well as you kno yourself.

All the Methydists got notes from the Conferense Committee, sayin that they'd discovered that the Republican candydate was a rank infydel, and advisin them all to vote for Mr. Gilley, cos he was goin to donate a big pile of munney to furrane mis-shuns.

Every member of the Society of Hen Pecked Husbands, wot is very strong in New York, was requested by a letter sined by the President to vote for Mr. Gilley, cos he had it from good authority that the other feller had greed to order the legislate to pa.s.s a bill legalizin the wearin of the pants by married wimmen.

Then I sent out a circular to every dout-ful German voter, tellin them that the Republican candydate, wen he was a boy, had licked a duch boy biggeran him, and called him a puddin'-hedded, pot-stummicked, pretzel-thievin' son of a beer drinkin' and sour krout etin' duchman, and the time had c.u.m for the Gurmans of New York to rebuke at the polls such a flaygrant insult to the most useful and respeckterbel standby's of the Nashun, the German cityzens.

I never seen enything do better in my life. With the excepshun of the few votes wot the Republercans had fore I got my wurk in, mine captured the hull cities of New York and Brooklyn, and the beer and wisky wots ben sent to rural districks, will giv us the hull State by a big majority. Wen I get big, Mr. Diry, I guess I'll hire myself out for a perfesshunal pollytickal wire-puller.

CHAPTER XXIII.

A GLORIOUS VICKTORIE.--THE LICKED CANDYDATE GENERATES BLUE SULFROUS AIR ON ACCOUNT OF THE ACKSHUN OF HIS PLEGED SUPPORTERS.

Xcitement is at fever heet, and tin horns and bonfires is seen and hurd everywere. We've swep the hull State like a averlanche, and the Republercan partie is deder'n a dore nale. Me and Joe Gilley is goin to run this ere Guvment now for a wile, and you bet we'll run her with discretion, and make a pile. I'm the hero of the Demmercrazy, and John Kelley giv me and Jimmy a 5 dollar bill a peece, so as we'd have munny enuf to hav sum fun with, cos Mr. Gilley sez I've ben workin purty hard, and he guessed I'd better take a rest tomorrer.

The back strete was lined with dudes to-nite, and every one of them crowded up to Lillyun wen she c.u.m out the stage dore, but she didn't speek to eny of them. They wus all purty hot, but they don't regret the way they voted, cos they have the satysfackshun of knowin that the Xecutiv Manshun 'll hav a occupant wot has a very asthetick blendin of cullers in his mak up.

The Rerpublerkan candy date wot's got licked has gone and got orful mad at the Methydist Conference and swares, by golly, he'll never donate a nuther oyster to a church supper, and his remains 'll be smolderin down b'low 'fore them ungrateful hyppercrites 'll hold a nuther mute sosh.e.l.l in his house. His wife says she's goin ter sue them for the bord bill of them h.o.a.ry hedded old delergates, wots been palmed off on her for the last fifteen years. She sez she alwuz expected sumthin 'd happen, cos when the young mens christshun a.s.sociashun convention c.u.m off, they sent all the yung and good lookin deler-gates over to Widder Masher's, cross the street, and didn't giv her eny bodie but a lot of old men, wot was just walkin round to save funeral xpenses.

The members of the Society of Henpecked husbands is looking like theyd been drawd thru a not hole, cos there wives hav ben wearin the pants again, and given them a taste of dissyplin for votin for a man wot has as outspoken anty wimmins rites vues as Mr. Gilley.

I peeped in the windys of sevral banks on my way home, and most all of the clurks has a scart and hunted look in there eyes, but I guess there safe, cos the one who knoes, don't kno quite as much as they think he does.

The Germans is jubilyant, cos they all helped to rebuke a insult I guess they wuldn't feel so orful proud of theirselves if they'd hurd John Kelley and Mr. Gilley talkin bout 'em, jest fore eleckshun, wen they was considered doutful, and Mr. Gilley sed ------ the Duch.

Pollytishuns is purty persnickerty, eny-way. I bleive wen I get ter be a big man I'll start out as a misshunary and devote my 'nurgies to savin the souls of pollytickel office-seekers and candydates; taint no use tryin to save there bodies, cos the devil's got a lien on them alreddy.

CHAPTER XXIV.

HIS HOLY DAY.--PERSONATIN A DUDE MAKES HIM LOSE HIS TRUST IN GALS.--MARIA GIVES HIM CLENE AWAY.--TERRERBEL REVENGE.-- HE PROMISES FORGIVENESS ON CERTAIN CONDISHUNS.

I've lost all conferdense in gals and human nature, lost it all at one fell swoop. Yesterday I'd ben willin to bet a 20-cent seegar that my gal, Maria, would 'er lep cross one of the flews of Haydies for me. But I was deseeved; yes, Mr. Diry, I was wonderfully and terribly deseeved in her.

As I told you last nite, me and Jimmy got a holy day to-day and $10 to spend on havin a good time. So this mornin we drest up in our Sunday-skule cloes, and went down town to the property shop, and each bort ourselves a false mustash and canes. Then we went up to the barber shop and had our hare banged. Wen we was thru you wuldnt ben abel to tell us from full bludded Englush swells. We was just too too, walkin up and down Uniyun Square, puffin at our 10-centers, like we owned all New York and half of Brooklyn. You bet we maid sum mashes on the wimmin.

Bout one clock we sta-shuned ourselves where we'd meet our gals as they went to skule. Jimmie's gal, Josie, and my Maria run together. Purty soon they c.u.m long together, laffin and torkin. Then me and Jimmy braced ourselves up, and as they went by we winked. Josie she winked back, but Maria she sed orful sweet, "How de do?" so we followed em up. Purty soon Maria slowed up & sed its a nice day. I told her it was, then I sez if she wuldnt like to take a walk. She sed "she was greed if Josie'd go long, cos if they went walkin they'd have to play hookey, and one da.r.s.ent do it without the other."

After sum persuashun, Josie greed to go long, so I offered my arm to Maria, and we had a big time til bout 5 o'clock. Then we sez to the gals if they'd like to go to the theater in the evenin, they thot it'd be or-, ful nice, but they didnt believe there mas wuld trust em to go with strange gentelmen, cos it wuldnt be rite. I axt her if there wasnt sum way to fix it.

Maria sed she guessed she culd tell her ma. Georgie was going to take her, & then Josie culd say, Georgie had a xtra ticket, & warnted her to go long, so we greed to meet em, at the corner, bout 7 clock. They was there on time, all drest up ter kill, and we took em down to the Standard, and had a big time. Wen the show wos out, we went to a resterant, & had sum oysters. Wile we was etin them, I axt Maria who the Georgie was who tuk her out.

"Oh," sez she, "he's a red hedded devil, wot wurks in the _Buster_ offis, and aint a bit lik you. Ma likes him, and thinks he's orful steddy, and she aint frade to let me go eny place with him. He's mashed on me bad, and thinks I'm in luv with him, so he spends all his munney on me, and I jest go with him, cos he takes me to ennything wot c.u.ms along. It's fun ter see him, he's so green, and besides, he never fixes up eny, and I'm gettin most ashamed to be seen on the strete with him."

[Ill.u.s.tration: THEN I HAWLED OFF MY FALSE MUSTASH ]

By this time I was feelin purty bad, but I maneged to keep up and make blieve I was feerful in love with her, and got her to promis never to go with Georgie agin. I had a bottel of perfume in my pocket, and jest 'fore we left the restyrant, I put sum on the gals handkercheefs, then I hawled off my false mustash, and soon Maria seen, I was her Georgie, and begun a cryin lik her hart wuld brak. I felt sorry for her, but I told her to dry up her eyes. I guess I must giv them the perfume out of the a.s.syfit.i.ty bottel, cos, soon as she rubbed her face you never smelt such a overpourin smell in all your life, we had to keep em at arms length, all the way hum, and if we'd ben the Zar of Russher, and Queen Victoria, combined, the peeple wouldnt hav givin us more room on the side walk. I felt sorry for them, cos they cryed, and felt so bad, all the way home, and, if I coulder got close enuf to Maria, without bein sm.u.t.h.e.red I'd kissed and made it all up. Its a blessin that her ma and pa's got catarrh orful bad, or there mite be war in her house.

I'm goin to send her the follerin note in the morning, and next time I go to see her I'll fix up a littel, cos a fellow can't blame a girl for goin back on him if he don't think enuff of her to dress up neet:

Dear Maria: I was orful greeved by your conduct, but seein that you're sorry I'll forgive you for all. I'll call round in a week, wot'll give you time enuf to smell swete agin, if you're careful to wash often, give yourself lots of air, and keep plenty of carbollick acid and cloride of lime scattered round were you are.

Beleeve me your ever lovin

Georgie.

CHAPTER XXV.

ADVERTISES A ARTICKEL WOT WAS FOUND.--WIMMIN'S WAYS.-- CLAMED.--IN DURANSE VILE FOR STEELIN A SHALL.--HAPPY EXPLERNASHUN AND INTERESTIN TABLOW.

"The lady wot dropped a artickel of warin appairel in the Post Offis, last even-in, can have them by callin on the Devil at this offis and provin property."

The abuv is a advertis.e.m.e.nt wot I had put in the _Buster_ this mornin, and all day long I've ben kep busy attendin to the ansurs. The fust lady wot c.u.m in had dropt a plume outer her hat. She giv me a full descripshun of it, wot it cost, and said she knowed it was hers wot I'd found; and then I showed her the artickel and axt her if that was it.

She blushed up orful red, and sailed outer the offis like I'd insulted her. Yesterday muster ben a orful bad day for wimmin loosin things in the Post Offis, cos there's bout two hundred ben to the offis. Sum lost there teeth, uthers there bangs, clokes, slippers, overshoes, gloves, skurts, hankercheefs, bussels, and most everything wot a woman could pile on her; and I had to show every one of them the artickel wot was found, and axt them if that was it, and, curius enuf, every one went off mad and indignant. On towards nite I was jest beginnin to wonder wether, in a case like this, onhesty was the best pollysee, or wether it wouldnt of payed better for me to hav tuk em home to ma; wen a madin ladie, of doutful age, come in to the offis, and sed: "Yung man, have they got C.