The Attache or Sam Slick in England Part 22

"Matchless galls, they be too, for there is no matches for 'em. The primur-genitur boy takes all so they have no fortin. Well, a younger son won't do for 'em, for he has no fortin; and t'other primo geno there, couldn't if he would, for he wants the estate next to hisn, and has to take the gall that owns it, or he won't get it. I pity them galls, I do upon my soul. It's a hard fate, that, as Minster sais, in his pretty talk, to bud, unfold, bloom, wither, and die on the parent stock, and have no one to pluck the rose, and put it in his bosom, aint it?

"Dinner is ready, and you lock and lock, and march off two and two, to t'other room, and feed. Well, the dinner is like town dinner, there aint much difference, there is some; there is a difference atween a country coat, and a London coat; but still they look alike, and are intended to be as near the same as they can. The appet.i.te is better than town folks, and there is more eatin' and less talkin', but the talkin', like the eatin', is heavy and solemcoloy.

"Now do, Mr. Poker, that's a good soul, now do, Squire, look at the sarvants. Do you hear that feller, a blowin' and a wheesin' like a hoss that's got the heaves? Well he is so fat and lazy, and murders beef and beer so, he has got the a.s.smy, and walkin' puts him out o' breath--aint it beautiful! Faithful old sarvant that, so attached to the family!

which means the family prog. Always to home! which means he is always eatin' and drinkin', and hante time to go out. So respectful! which means bowin' is an everlastin' sight easier, and safer too, nor talkin'

is. So honest! which means, parquisites covers all he takes. Keeps every thin' in such good order! which means he makes the women do his work.

Puts every thin' in it's place, he is so methodical! which means, there is no young children in the house, and old aunty always puts things back where she takes 'em from. For she is a good bit of stuff is aunty, as thin, tough, and soople as a painter's palate knife. Oh, Lord! how I would like to lick him with a bran new cow hide whip, round and round the park, every day, an hour afore breakfast, to improve his wind, and teach him how to mend his pace. I'd repair his old bellowses for him, I know.

"Then look at the butler, how he tordles like a Terrapin; he has got the gout, that feller, and no wonder, nother. Every decanter that comes in has jist half a bottle in it, the rest goes in tastin', to see it aint corked. His character would suffer if a bit o' cork floated in it. Every other bottle is corked, so he drinks that bottle, and opens another, and gives master half of it. The housekeeper pets him, calls him Mr., asks him if he has heard from Sir Philip lately, hintin' that he is of gentle blood, only the wrong side of the blanket, and that pleases him. They are both well to do in the world. Vails count up in time, and they talk big sometimes, when alone together, and hint at warnin' off the old knight, marryin', and settin' up a tripe shop, some o' these days; don't that hint about wedlock bring him a nice little hot supper that night, and don't that little supper bring her a tumbler of nice mulled wine, and don't both on 'em look as knowin' as a boiled codfish, and a sh.e.l.led oyster, that's all.

"He once got warned himself, did old Thomas, so said he, 'Where do you intend to go master?' 'Me,' said the old man, scratchin' his head, and lookin' puzzled 'nowhere.' 'Oh, I thought _you_ intend to leave, said Thomas for _I_ don't.' 'Very good that, Thomas, come I like that.' The old knight's got an anecdote by that, and nanny-goats aint picked up every day in the country. He tells that to every stranger, every stranger larfs, and the two parsons larf, and the old 'Sir' larfs so, he wakes up an old sleepin' cough that most breaks his ribs, and Thomas is set up for a character.

"Well, arter servants is gone, and women folks made themselves scarce, we haul up closer to the table, have more room for legs, and then comes the most interestin' part. Poor rates, quarter sessions, turnpikes, corn-laws, next a.s.sizes, rail-roads and parish matters, with a touch of the horse and dog between primo and secondo genitur, for variety. If politics turn up, you can read who host is in a gineral way with half an eye. If he is an ante-corn-lawer, then he is a manufacturer that wants to grind the poor instead of grain. He is a _new man_ and reformer. If he goes up to the bob for corn-law, then he wants to live and let live, is _of an old family_, and a tory. Talk of test oaths bein' done away with. Why Lord love you, they are in full force here yet. See what a feller swears by--that's his test, and no mistake.

"Well, you wouldn't guess now there was so much to talk of, would you?

But hear 'em over and over every day, the same everlastin' round, and you would think the topics not so many arter all, I can tell you. It soon runs out, and when it does, you must wait till the next rain, for another freshet to float these heavy logs on.

"Coffee comes, and then it's up and jine the ladies. Well, then talk is tried agin, but it's no go; they can't come it, and one of the good-natured fat old lady-birds goes to the piany, and sits on the music stool. Oh, Hedges! how it creaks, but it's good stuff, I guess, it will carry double this. .h.i.tch; and she sings 'I wish I was a b.u.t.terfly.'

Heavens and airth! the fust time I heard one of these hugeaceous critters come out with that queer idee, I thought I should a dropt right off of the otter man on the floor, and rolled over and over a-laughin', it tickled me so, it makes me larf now only to think of it. Well, the wings don't come, such big b.u.t.terflies have to grub it in spite of Old Nick, and after wishin' and wishin' ever so long in vain, one of the young galls sits down and sings in rael right down airnest, 'I _won't_ be a nun.' Poor critter! there is some sense in that, but I guess she will be bleeged to be, for all that.

"Now eatin' is done, talkin' is done, and singin' is done; so here is chamber candles, and off to bed, that is if you are a-stayin' there.

If you ain't, 'Mr. Weather Mutton's carriage is ready, Sir,' and Mr.

Weather Mutton and Mrs. Weather Mutton and the entire stranger get in, and when you do, you are in for it, I can tell you. You are in for a seven mile heat at least of cross country roads, axletree deep, rain pour-in' straight up and down like Niagara, high hedges, deep ditches full of water, dark as Egypt; ain't room to pa.s.s nothin' if you meet it, and don't feel jist altogether easy about them cussed alligators and navigators, critters that work on rail-roads all day, and on houses and travellers by night.

"If you come with Mr. Weather Mutton, you seed the carriage in course.

It's an old one, a family one, and as heavy as an ox cart. The hosses are old, family hosses, everlastin' fat, almighty lazy, and the way they travel is a caution to a snail. It's vulgar to go fast, its only butcher's hosses trot quick, and besides, there is no hurry--there is nothin' to do to home. Affectionate couple! happy man! he takes his wife's hand in his--kisses it? No, not he, but he puts his head back in the corner of the carriage, and goes to sleep, and dreams--of her? Not he indeed, but of a saddle of mutton and curren' jelly.

"Well, if you are a-stoppin' at Sir Littleeared Bighead's, you escape the flight by night, and go to bed and think of homeland natur'. Next mornin', or rather next noon, down to breakfast. Oh, it's awfully stupid! That second nap in the mornin' always fuddles the head, and makes it as mothery as ryled cyder grounds. n.o.body looks as sweet as sugar candy quite, except them two beautiful galls and their honey lips. But them is only to look at. If you want honey, there is some on a little cut gla.s.s, dug out of a dish. But you can't eat it, for lookin'

at the genu_wine_, at least I can't, and never could. I don't know what you can do.

"P'raps you'd like to look at the picture, it will sarve to pa.s.s away time. They are family ones. And family picture, sarve as a history. Our Mexican Indgians did all their history in picture. Let's go round the room and look. Lawful heart! what a big "Brown ox" that is. Old "Star and Garters;" father fatted him. He was a prize ox; he eat a thousand bushel of turnips, a thousand pound of oil cake, a thousand of hay, and a thousand weight of mangel wurzel, and took a thousand days to fat, and weighed ever so many thousands too. I don't believe it, but I don't say so, out of manners, for I'll take my oath he was fatted on porter, because he looks exactly like the footman on all fours. He is a walking "_Brown Stout_," that feller.

"There is a hunter, come, I like hosses; but this brute was painted when at gra.s.s, and is too fat to look well, guess he was a goodish hoss in his day though. He ain't a bad cut that's a fact.

"Hullo! what's this pictur? Why, this is from our side of the water, as I am a livin' sinner, this is a New-Foundlander, this dog; yes, and he is of the true genu_wine_ breed too, look at his broad forehead--his dew-claws--his little ears; (Sir Littleeared must have been named arter him), his long hair--his beautiful eye. He is a first chop article that; but, oh Lord, he is too shockin' fat altogether. He is like Mother Gary's chickens, they are all fat and feathers. A wick run through 'em makes a candle. This critter is all hair and blubber, if he goes too near the grate, he'll catch into a blaze and set fire to the house.

"There's our friend the host with cap and gold ta.s.sel on, ridin' on his back, and there's his younger brother, (that died to Cambridge from settin' up all night for his degree, and suppin' on dry mathematics, and swallerin' "Newton" whole) younger brother like, walkin' on foot, and leadin' the dog by the head, while the heir is a scoldin' him for not goin' faster.

"Then, there is an old aunty that a forten come from. She looks like a bale o' cotton, fust screwed as tight as possible, and then corded hard.

Lord, if they had only a given her a pinch of snuff, when she was full dressed and trussed, and sot her a sneezin', she'd a blowed up, and the fortin would have come twenty years sooner.

"Yes, it's a family pictur, indeed, they are all family picture. They are all fine animals, but over fed and under worked.

"Now it's up and take a turn in the gardens. There is some splendid flowers on that slope. You and the galls go to look at 'em, and jist as you get there, the gra.s.s is juicy from the everlastin' rain, and awful slippy; up go your heels, and down goes stranger on the broad of his back, slippin' and slidin' and coastin' right down the bank, slap over the light mud-earth bed, and crushin' the flowers as flat as a pancake, and you yaller ochered all over, clean away from the scruff of your neck, down to the tip eend of your heel. The galls larf, the helps larf, and the, bed-room maid larfs; and who the plague can blame them? Old Marm don't larf though, because she is too perlite, and besides, she's lost her flowers, and that's no larfin' matter; and you don't larf, 'cause you feel a little the nastiest you ever did, and jist as near like a fool as to be taken for one, in the dark, that's a fact.

"Well, you renew the outer man, and try it agin, and it's look at the stable and hosses with Sir Host, and the dogs, and the carriages, and two American trees, and a peac.o.c.k, and a guinea hen, and a gold pheasant, and a silver pheasant, and all that, and then lunch. Who the plague can eat lunch, that's only jist breakfasted?

"So away goes lunch, and off goes you and the 'Sir,' a trampousin' and a trapsein' over the wet gra.s.s agin (I should like to know what ain't wet in this country), and ploughed fields, and wide ditches chock full of dirty water, if you slip in, to souse you most ridikelous; and over gates that's nailed up, and stiles that's got no steps for fear of thoroughfare, and through underwood that's loaded with rain-drops, away off to tother eend of the estate, to see the most beautiful field of turnips that ever was seen, only the flies eat all the plants up; and then back by another path, that's slumpier than t'other, and twice as long, that you may see an old wall with two broke-out winders, all covered with ivy, which is called a ruin. And well named it is, too, for I tore a bran new pair of trousers, most onhandsum, a scramblin' over the fences to see it, and ruined a pair of shoes that was all squashed out of shape by the wet and mud.

"Well, arter all this day of pleasure, it is time to rig up in your go-to-meetin' clothes for dinner; and that is the same as yesterday, only stupider, if that's possible; and that is Life in the Country.

"How the plague can it be otherwise than dull? If there is nothin'

to see, there can't be nothin' to talk about. Now the town is full of things to see. There is Babbage's machine, and Bank Governor's machine, and the Yankee woman's machine, and the flyin' machine, and all sorts of machines, and galleries, and tunnels, and mesmerisers, and theatres, and flower-shows, and cattle-shows, and beast-shows, and every kind of show, and what's better nor all, beautiful got-up women, and men turned out in fust chop style, too.

"I don't mean to say country women ain't handsum here, 'cause they be.

There is no sun here; and how in natur' can it be otherways than that they have good complexions. But it tante safe to be caged with them in a house out o' town. Fust thing you both do, is to get spooney, makin'

eyes and company-faces at each other, and then think of matin', like a pair of doves, and that won't answer for the like of you and me. The fact is, Squire, if you want to see _women_, you musn't go to a house in the country, nor to mere good company in town for it, tho' there be first chop articles in both; but you must go among the big bugs the top-lofty n.o.bility, in London; for since the days of old marm Eve, down to this instant present time, I don't think there ever was or ever will be such splendiferous galls as is there. Lord, the fust time I seed 'em it put me in mind of what happened to me at New Brunswick once. Governor of Maine sent me over to their Governor's, official-like, with a state letter, and the British officers axed me to dine to their mess. Well, the English brags so like n.i.g.g.e.rs, I thought I'd prove 'em, and set 'em off on their old trade jist for fun. So, says I, stranger captain, sais I, is all these forks and spoons, and plates and covers, and urns, and what nots, rael genu_wine_ solid silver, the clear thing, and no mistake. 'Sartainly,' said he, 'we have nothin' but silver here.' He did, upon my soul, just as cool, as if it was all true; well you can't tell a mili_tary_ what he sais ain't credible, or you have to fight him. It's considered ongenteel, so I jist puts my finger on my nose, and winks, as much as to say, 'I ain't such a cussed fool as you take me to be, I can tell you.'

"When he seed I'd found him out, he larfed like any thing. Guess he found that was no go, for I warn't born in the woods to be scared by an owl, that's a fact. Well, the fust time I went to lord's party, I thought it was another brag agin; I never see nothin' like it. Heavens and airth, I most jumpt out o' my skin. Where onder the sun, sais I to myself, did he rake and sc.r.a.pe together such super-superior galls as these. This party is a kind o' consarvitory, he has got all the raree plants and sweetest roses in England here, and must have ransacked the whole country for 'em. Knowin' I was a judge of woman kind, he wants me to think they are all this way; but it's onpossible. They are only "shew frigates" arter all; it don't stand to reason, they can't be all clippers. He can't put the leake into me that way, so it tante no use tryin'. Well, the next time, I seed jist such another covey of partridges, same plumage, same step, and same breed. Well done, sais I, they are intarmed to pull the wool over my eyes, that's a fact, but they won't find that no easy matter, I know. Guess they must be done now, they can't show another presarve like them agin in all Britain. What trouble they do take to brag here, don't they? Well, to make a long story short; how do you think it eventuated, Squire? Why every party I went to, had as grand a shew as them, only some on 'em was better, fact I a.s.sure you, it's gospel truth; there ain't a word of a lie in it, text to the letter. I never see nothin' like it, since I was raised, nor dreamed nothin' like it, and what's more, I don't think the world has nothin' like it nother. It beats all natur. It takes the rag off quite.

If that old Turk, Mahomed, had seed these galls, he wouldn't a bragged about his beautiful ones in paradise so for everlastinly, I know; for these English heifers would have beat 'em all holler, that's a fact. For my part, I call myself a judge. I have an eye there ain't no deceivin'.

I have made it a study, and know every pint about a woman, as well as I do about a hoss; therefore, if I say so, it must be so, and no mistake.

I make all allowances for the gear, and the gettin' up, and the vampin', and all that sort o' flash; but toggery won't make an ugly gall handsum, nohow you can fix it. It may lower her ugliness a leetle, but it won't raise her beauty, if she hante got none. But I warn't a talkin' of n.o.bility; I was a talkin' of Life in the Country. But the wust of it is, when galls come on the carpet, I could talk all day; for the dear little critters, I _do_ love 'em, that's a fact. Lick! it sets me crazy a'most.

Well, where was we? for petticoats always puts every thing out o' my head. Whereabouts was we?"

"You were saying that there were more things to be seen in London than in the country."

"Exactly; now I have it. I've got the thread agin. So there is.

"There's England's Queen, and England's Prince, and Hanover's King, and the old Swordbelt that whopped Bony; and he is better worth seem' than any man now livin' on the face of the univarsal airth, let t'other one be where he will, that's a fact. He is a great man, all through the piece, and no mistake. If there was--what do you call that word, when one man's breath pops into 'nother man's body, changin' lodgins, like?"

"Do you mean transmigration?"

"Yes; if there was such a thing as that, I should say it was old Liveoak himself, Mr. Washington, that was transmigrated into him, and that's no mean thing to say of him, I tell you.

"Well now, there's none o' these things to the country; and it's so everlastin' stupid, it's only a Britisher and a n.i.g.g.e.r that could live in an English country-house. A n.i.g.g.e.r don't like movin', and it would jist suit him, if it warn't so awful wet and cold.

"Oh if I was President of these here United States, I'd suck sugar candy and swing upon de gates; And them I didn't like, I'd strike 'em off de docket, And the way we'd go ahead, would be akin to Davy Crockit.

With my zippy dooden, dooden dooden, dooden dooden dey, With my zippy dooden, dooden dooden, dooden dooden dey.

"It might do for a n.i.g.g.e.r, suckin' sugar candy and drinkin' mint-julep; but it won't do for a free and enlightened citizen like me. A country house--oh goody gracious! the Lord presarve me from it, I say. If ever any soul ever catches me there agin, I'll give 'em leave to tell me of it, that's all. Oh go, Squire, by all means; you will find it monstrous pleasant, I know you will. Go and spend a week there; it will make you feel up in the stirrups, I know. Pr'aps nothin' can exceed it. It takes the rag off the bush quite. It caps all, that's a fact, does 'Life in the Country.'"

CHAPTER VIII. BUNk.u.m.

I am not surprised at the views expressed by Mr. Slick in the previous chapter. He has led too active a life, and his habits and thoughts are too business-like to admit of his enjoying retirement, or accommodating himself to the formal restraints of polished society. And yet, after making this allowance for his erratic life, it is but fair to add that his descriptions were always exaggerated; and, wearied as he no doubt was by the uniformity of country life, yet in describing it, he has evidently seized on the most striking features, and made them more prominent than they really appeared, even to his fatigued and prejudiced vision.

In other respects, they are just the sentiments we may suppose would be naturally entertained by a man like the Attache, under such circ.u.mstances. On the evening after that on which he had described "Life in the Country" to me, he called with two "orders" for admission to the House of Commons, and took me down with him to hear the debates.

"It's a great sight," said he. "We shall see all their uppercrust men put their best foot out. There's a great musterin' of the tribes, to-night, and the Sachems will come out with a great talk. There'll be some sport, I guess; some hard hittin', scalpin', and tomahawkin'. To see a Britisher scalp a Britisher is equal to a bullfight, anytime. You don't keer whether the bull, or the horse, or the rider is killed, none of 'em is nothin' to you; so you can enjoy it, and hurror for him that wins. I don't keer who carries the day, the valy of a treat of julep, but I want to see the sport. It's excitin', them things. Come, let's go."

We were shown into a small gallery, at one end of the legislative wall (the two side ones being appropriated to members), and with some difficulty found sitting room in a place that commanded a view of the whole house. We were unfortunate. All the great speakers, Lord Stanley, Sir Robert Peel, Sir James Graham, Shiel, and Lord John Russell, had either already addressed the Chair, and were thereby precluded by the rules of the House from coming forward again, or did not choose to answer second-rate men. Those whom we did hear, made a most wretched exhibition. About one o'clock, the adjournment took place, and we returned, fatigued and disappointed.

"Did you ever see the beat of that, Squire?" said Mr. Slick. "Don't that take the rag off quite? Cuss them fellers that spoke, they are wuss than a.s.sembly men, hang me if they aint; and _they_ aint fit to tend a bear trap, for they'd be sure to catch themselves, if they did, in their own pit-fall.

"Did you hear that Irishman a latherin' away with both arms, as if he was tryin' to thrash out wheat, and see how bothered he looked, as if he couldn't find nothin' but dust and chaff in the straw? Well, that critter was agin the Bill, in course, and Irish like, used every argument in favour of it. Like a pig swimmin' agin stream, every time he struck out, he was a cuttin' of his own throat. He then blob blob blobbered, and gog gog goggled, till he choked with words and pa.s.sion, and then sot down.

"Then that English Radical feller, that spoke with great voice, and little sense. Aint he a beauty, without paint, that critter? He know'd he had to vote agin the Bill, 'cause it was a Government Bill, and be know'd he had to speak for _Bunk.u.m_, and therefore--"