The Attache or Sam Slick in England Part 15

"You have seen-Old Clay in a pastur, a racin' about, free from harness, head and tail up, snortin', cavortin', att.i.tudinisin' of himself. Mane flowin' in the wind, eye-ball startin' out, nostrils inside out a'most, ears p.r.i.c.ked up. _A nateral hoss_; put him in a waggon, with a rael spic and span harness, all covered over with bra.s.s buckles and bra.s.s k.n.o.bs, and ribbons in his bridle, rael jam. Curb him up, talk Yankee to him, and get his ginger up. Well, he looks well; but he is '_a broke hoss_.'

He reminds you of Sam Slick; cause when you see a hoss, you think of his master: but he don't remind you of the rael '_Old Clay_,' that's a fact.

"Take a day here, now in town; and they are so identical the same, that one day sartificates for another. You can't get out a bed afore twelve, in winter, the days is so short, and the fires ain't made, or the room dusted, or the breakfast can't be got, or sunthin' or another. And if you did, what's the use? There is no one to talk to, and books only weaken your understandin', as water does brandy. They make you let others guess for you, instead of guessin' for yourself. Sarvants spile your habits here, and books spite your mind. I wouldn't swap ideas with any man. I make my own opinions, as I used to do my own clocks; and I find they are truer than other men's. The Turks are so cussed heavy, they have people to dance for 'em; the English are wus, for they hire people to think for 'em. Never read a book, Squire, always think for yourself.

"Well, arter breakfast, it's on hat and coat, ombrella in hand, (don't never forget that, for the rumatiz, like the perlice, is always on the look out here, to grab hold of a feller,) and go somewhere where there is somebody, or another, and smoke, and then wash it down with a sherry-cobbler; (the drinks ain't good here; they hante no variety in them nother; no white-nose, apple-jack, stone-wall, chain-lightning, rail-road, hail-storm, ginsling-talabogus, switchel-flip, gum-ticklers, phlem-cutters, juleps, skate-iron, cast-steel, c.o.c.k-tail, or nothin', but that heavy stupid black fat porter;) then down to the coffee-house, see what vessels have arrived, how markets is, whether there is a chance of doin' any thin' in cotton or tobacco, whose broke to home, and so on. Then go to the park, and see what's a goin' on there; whether those pretty critturs, the rads are a holdin' a prime minister 'parsonally responsible,' by shootin' at him; or whether there is a levee, or the Queen is ridin' out, or what not; take a look at the world, make a visit or two to kill time, when all at once it's dark. Home then, smoke a cigar, dress for dinner, and arrive at a quarter past seven.

"Folks are up to the notch here when dinner is in question, that's a fact, fat, gouty, broken-winded, and foundered as they be. It's rap, rap, rap, for twenty minutes at the door, and in they come, one arter the other, as fast as the sarvants can carry up their names. Cuss them sarvants! it takes seven or eight of 'em to carry a man's name up stairs, they are so awful lazy, and so shockin' full of porter. If a feller was so lame he had to be carried up himself, I don't believe on my soul, the whole gang of them, from the Butler that dresses in the same clothes as his master, to Boots that ain't dressed at all, could make out to bowse him up stairs, upon my soul I don't.

"Well, you go in along with your name, walk up to old aunty, and make a sc.r.a.pe, and the same to old uncle, and then fall back. This is done as solemn, as if a feller's name was called out to take his place in a funeral; that and the mistakes is the fun of it. There is a sarvant at a house I visit at, that I suspicion is a bit of a bam, and the critter shows both his wit and sense. He never does it to a 'somebody,' 'cause that would cost him his place, but when a 'n.o.body' has a droll name, he jist gives an accent, or a sly twist to it, that folks can't help a larfin', no more than Mr. n.o.body can feelin' like a fool. He's a droll boy, that; I should like to know him.

"Well, arter 'nouncin' is done, then comes two questions--do I know anybody here? and if I do, does he look like talk or not? Well, seein'

that you have no handle to your name, and a stranger, it's most likely you can't answer these questions right; so you stand and use your eyes, and put your tongue up in its case till it's wanted. Company are all come, and now they have to be marshalled two and two, lock and lock, and go into the dinin'-room to feed.

"When I first came I was nation proud of that t.i.tle, 'the Attache;' now I am happified it's nothin' but 'only an Attache,' and I'll tell you why. The great guns, and big bugs, have to take in each other's ladies, so these old ones have to herd together. Well, the n.o.bodies go together too, and sit together, and I've observed these n.o.bodies are the pleasantest people at table, and they have the pleasantest places, because they sit down with each other, and are jist like yourself, plaguy glad to get some one to talk to. Somebody can only visit somebody, but n.o.body can go anywhere, and therefore n.o.body sees and knows twice as much as somebody does. Somebodies must be axed, if they are as stupid as a pump; but n.o.bodies needn't, and never are, unless they are spicy sort o' folks, so you are sure of them, and they have all the fun and wit of the table at their eend, and no mistake.

"I wouldn't take a t.i.tle if they would give it to me, for if I had one, I should have a fat old parblind dowager detailed on to me to take in to dinner; and what the plague is her jewels and laces, and silks and sattins, and wigs to me? As it is, I have a chance to have a gall to take in that's a jewel herself--one that don't want no settin' off, and carries her diamonds in her eyes, and so on. I've told our minister not to introduce me as an Attache no more, but as Mr. n.o.body, from the State of Nothin', in America, _that's natur agin_.

"But to get back to the dinner. Arter you are in marchin' order, you move in through two rows of sarvants in uniform. I used to think they was placed there for show, but it's to keep the air off of folks a goin'

through the entry, and it ain't a bad thought, nother.

"Lord, the first time I went to one o' these grand let offs I felt kinder skeery, and as n.o.body was allocated to me to take in, I goes in alone, not knowin' where I was to settle down as a squatter, and kinder lagged behind; when the butler comes and rams a napkin in my hand, and gives me a shove, and sais he, 'Go and stand behind your master, sir,'

sais he. Oh Solomon! how that waked me up. How I curled inwardly when he did that. 'You've mistaken the child,' sais I mildly, and I held out the napkin, and jist as he went to take it, I gave him a sly poke in the bread basket, that made him bend forward and say 'eugh.' 'Wake Snakes, and walk your chalks,' sais I, 'will you?' and down I pops on the fust empty chair. Lord, how white he looked about the gills arterwards; I thought I should a split when I looked at him. Guess he'll know an Attache when he sees him next time.

"Well, there is dinner. One sarvice of plate is like another sarvice of plate, any one dozen of sarvants are like another dozen of sarvants, hock is hock, and champaigne is champaigne--and one dinner is like another dinner. The only difference is in the thing itself that's cooked. Veal, to be good, must look like any thing else but veal; you mustn't know it when you see it, or it's vulgar; mutton must be incog.

too; beef must have a mask on; any thin' that looks solid, take a spoon to; any thin' that looks light, cut with a knife; if a thing looks like fish, you may take your oath it is flesh; and if it seems rael flesh, it's only disguised, for it's sure to be fish; nothin' must be nateral, natur is out of fashion here. This is a manufacturin' country, everything is done by machinery, and that that ain't must be made to look like it; and I must say, the dinner machinery is parfect.

"Sarvants keep goin' round and round in a ring, slow, but sartain, and for ever, like the arms of a great big windmill, shovin' dish after dish, in dum show, afore your nose, for you to see how you like the flavour; when your gla.s.s is empty it's filled; when your eyes is off your plate, it's off too, afore you can say Nick Biddle.

"Folks speak low here; steam is valuable, and noise onpolite. They call it a "_subdued tone_." Poor tame things, they are subdued, that's a fact; slaves to an arbitrary tyrannical fashion that don't leave 'em no free will at all. You don't often speak across a table any more nor you do across a street, but p'raps Mr. Somebody of West Eend of town, will say to a Mr. n.o.body from West Eend of America: 'Niagara is n.o.ble.'

Mr. n.o.body will say, 'Guess it is, it got its patent afore the "Norman _Conquest_," I reckon, and afore the "_subdued_ tone" come in fashion.'

Then Mr. Somebody will look like an oracle, and say, 'Great rivers and great trees in America. You speak good English.' And then he will seem surprised, but not say it, only you can read the words on his face, 'Upon my soul, you are a'most as white as us.'

"Dinner is over. It's time for ladies to cut stick. Aunt Goosey looks at the next oldest goosey, and ducks her head, as if she was a goin'

through a gate, and then they all come to their feet, and the goslins come to their feet, and they all toddle off to the drawin' room together.

"The decanters now take the "grand tour" of the table, and, like most travellers, go out with full pockets, and return with empty ones. Talk has a pair of stays here, and is laced up tight and stiff. Larnin' is pedantic; politics is onsafe; religion ain't fashionable. You must tread on neutral ground. Well, neutral ground gets so trampled down by both sides, and so plundered by all, there ain't any thing fresh or good grows on it, and it has no cover for game nother.

"Housundever, the ground is tried, it's well beat, but nothin' is put up, and you get back to where you started. Uncle Gander looks at next oldest gander hard, bobs his head, and lifts one leg, all ready for a go, and says, 'Will you take any more wine?' 'No, sais he, 'but I take the hint, let's jine the ladies.'

"Well, when the whole flock is gathered in the goose pastur, the drawin'-room, other little flocks come troopin' in, and stand, or walk, or down on chairs; and them that know each other talk, and them that don't twirl their thumbs over their fingers; and when they are tired of that, twirl their fingers over their thumbs. I'm n.o.body, and so I goes and sets side-ways on an ottarman, like a gall on a side-saddle, and look at what's afore me. And fust I always look at the galls.

"Now, this I will say, they are amazin' fine critters are the women kind here, when they are taken proper care of. The English may stump the univa.r.s.e a'most for trainin' hosses and galls. They give 'em both plenty of walkin' exercise, feed 'em regular, shoe 'em well, trim 'em neat, and keep a beautiful skin on 'em. They keep, 'em in good health, and don't house 'em too much. They are clippers, that's a fact. There is few things in natur, equal to a hoss and a gall, that's well trained and in good condition. I could stand all day and look at 'em, and I call myself a considerable of a judge. It's singular how much they are alike too, the moment the trainin' is over or neglected, neither of 'em is fit to be seen; they grow out of shape, and look coa.r.s.e.

"They are considerable knowin' in this kind o' ware too, are the English; they vamp 'em up so well, it's hard to tell their age, and I ain't sure they don't make 'em live longer, than where the art ain't so well pract_ised_. The mark o' mouth is kept up in a hoss here by the file, and a hay-cutter saves his teeth, and helps his digestion. Well, a dentist does the same good turn for a woman; it makes her pa.s.s for several years younger; and helps her looks, mends her voice, and makes her as smart as a three year old.

"What's that? It's music. Well, that's artificial too, it's scientific they say, it's done by rule. Jist look at that gall to the piany: first comes a little Garman thunder. Good airth and seas, what a crash! it seems as if she'd bang the instrument all to a thousand pieces. I guess she's vexed at somebody and is a peggin' it into the piany out of spite.

Now comes the singin'; see what faces she makes, how she stretches her mouth open, like a barn door, and turns up the white of her eyes, like a duck in thunder. She is in a musical ecstasy is that gall, she feels good all over, her soul is a goin' out along with that ere music. Oh, it's divine, and she is an angel, ain't she? Yes, I guess she is, and when I'm an angel, I will fall in love with her; but as I'm a man, at least what's left of me, I'd jist as soon fall in love with one that was a leetle, jist a leetle more of a woman, and a leetle, jist a leetle less of an angel. But hullo! what onder the sun is she about, why her voice is goin' down her own throat, to gain strength, and here it comes out agin as deep toned as a man's; while that dandy feller along side of her, is singin' what they call falsetter. They've actilly changed voices. The gall sings like a man, and that screamer like a woman. This is science: this is taste: this is fashion; but hang me if it's natur.

I'm tired to death of it, but one good thing is, you needn't listen without you like, for every body is talking as, loud as ever.

"Lord, how extremes meet sometimes, as Minister says. _Here_, how, fashion is the top of the pot, and that pot hangs on the highest hook on the crane. In _America_, natur can't go no farther; it's the rael thing.

Look at the women kind, now. An Indgian gall, down South, goes most naked. Well, a splendiferous company gall, here, when she is _full dressed_ is only _half covered_, and neither of 'em attract you one mite or morsel. We dine at two and sup at seven; _here_ they lunch at two, and dine at seven. The words are different, but they are identical the same. Well, the singin' is amazin' like, too. Who ever heerd them Italian singers recitin' their jabber, showin' their teeth, and cuttin'

didoes at a great private consart, that wouldn't take his oath he had heerd n.i.g.g.e.rs at a dignity ball, down South, sing jist the same, and jist as well. And then do, for goodness' gracious' sake, hear that great absent man, belongin' to the House o' Commons, when the chaplain says 'Let us pray!' sing right out at once, as if he was to home, 'Oh! by all means,' as much as to say, 'me and the powers above are ready to hear you; but don't be long about it.'

"Ain't that for all the world like a camp-meetin', when a reformed ring-tail roarer calls out to the minister, 'That's a fact, Welly Fobus, by Gosh; amen!' or when preacher says, 'Who will be saved?' answers, 'Me and the boys, throw us a hen-coop; the galls will drift down stream on a bale o' cotton.' Well then, _our_ very lowest, and _their_ very highest, don't always act pretty, that's a fact. Sometimes '_they repudiate_.'

You take, don't you?

"There is another party to-night; the flock is a thinnin' off agin; and as I want a cigar most amazin'ly, let's go to a divan, and some other time, I'll tell you what a swoi_ree_ is. But answer me this here question now, Squire: when this same thing is acted over and over, day after day, and no variation, from July to etarnity, don't you think you'd get a leetle--jist a leetle more tired of it every day, and wish for natur once more. If you wouldn't I would, that's all."

THE SECOND VOLUME.

CHAPTER I. THE NOSE OF A SPY

"Squire." said Mr. Hopewell, "you know Sam well enough, I hope, to make all due allowances for the exuberance of his fancy. The sketch he has just given you of London society, like the novels of the present day, though founded on fact, is very unlike the reality. There may be a.s.semblages of persons in this great city, and no doubt there are, quite as insipid and absurd as the one he has just pourtrayed; but you must not suppose it is at all a fair specimen of the society of this place.

My own experience is quite the reverse. I think it the most refined, the most agreeable, and the most instructive in the world. Whatever your favourite study or pursuit may be, here you are sure to find well-informed and enthusiastic a.s.sociates. If you have merit, it is appreciated; and for an aristocratic country, that merit places you on a level with your superiors in rank in a manner that is quite incomprehensible to a republican. Money is the great leveller of distinctions with us; here, it is talent. Fashion spreads many tables here, but talent is always found seated at the best, if it thinks proper to comply with certain usages, without which, even genius ceases to be attractive.

"On some future occasion, I will enter more at large on this subject; but now it is too late; I have already exceeded my usual hour for retiring. 'Excuse me, Sam,' said he. 'I know you will not be offended with me, but Squire there are some subjects on which Sam may amuse, but cannot instruct you, and one is, fashionable life in London. You must judge for yourself, Sir. Good night, my children.'"

Mr. Slick rose, and opened the door for him, and as he pa.s.sed, bowed and held out his hand. "Remember me, your honour, no man opens the door in this country without being paid for it. Remember me, Sir."

"True, Sam," said the Minister, "and it is unlucky that it does not extend to opening the mouth, if it did, you would soon make your fortune, for you can't keep yours shut. Good night."

The society to which I have subsequently had the good fortune to be admitted, fully justifies the eulogium of Mr. Hopewell. Though many persons can write well, few can talk well; but the number of those who excel in conversation is much greater in certain circles in London, than in any other place. By talking well, I do not mean talking wisely or learnedly; but agreeably, for relaxation and pleasure, are the princ.i.p.al objects of social a.s.semblies. This can only be ill.u.s.trated by instancing some very remarkable persons, who are the pride and pleasure of every table they honour and delight with their presence But this may not be.

For obvious reasons, I could not do it if I would; and most a.s.suredly, I would not do it if I could. No more certain mode could be devised of destroying conversation, than by showing, that when the citadel is unguarded, the approach of a friend is as unsafe as that of an enemy.

Alas! poor Hook! who can read the unkind notice of thee in a late periodical, and not feel, that on some occasions you must have admitted to your confidence men who were as unworthy of that distinction as, they were incapable of appreciating it, and that they who will disregard the privileges of a table, will not hesitate to violate even the sanct.i.ty of the tomb. Cant may talk of your "_inter pocula_" errors with pious horror; and pretension, now that its indulgence is safe, may affect to disclaim your acquaintance; but kinder, and better, and truer men than those who furnished your biographer with his facts will not fail to recollect your talents with pride, and your wit and your humour with wonder and delight.

We do not require such flagrant examples as these to teach us our duty, but they are not without their use in increasing our caution.

When Mr. Hopewell withdrew, Mr. Slick observed:

"Ain't that ere old man a trump? He is always in the right place.

Whenever you want to find him, jist go and look for him where he ought to be, and there you will find him as sure as there is snakes in Varginy. He is a brick, that's a fact. Still, for all that, he ain't jist altogether a citizen of this world nother. He fishes in deep water, with a sinker to his hook. He can't throw a fly as I can, reel out his line, run down stream, and then wind up, wind up, wind up, and let out, and wind up again, till he lands his fish, as I do. He looks deep into things, is a better religionist, polit.i.tioner, and bookster than I be: but then that's all he does know. If you want to find your way about, or read a man, come to me, that's all; for I'm the boy that jist can do it. If I can't walk into a man, I can dodge round him; and if he is too nimble for that, I can jump over him; and if he is too tall for that, although I don't like the play, yet I can whip him.

"Now, Squire, I have been a good deal to England, and crossed this big pond here the matter of seven times, and know a good deal about it, more than a great many folks that have writtin' books on it, p'raps. Mind what I tell you, the English ain't what they was. I'm not speakin' in jeest now, or in prejudice. I hante a grain of prejudice in me. I've see'd too much of the world for that I reckon. I call myself a candid man, and I tell you the English are no more like what the English used to be, when pigs were swine, and Turkey chewed tobacky, than they are like the Picts or Scots, or Norman, French, or Saxons, or nothin'."

"Not what they used to be?" I said. "Pray, what do you mean?"

"I mean," said he, "jist what I say. They ain't the same people no more. They are as proud, and overbearin', and concaited, and haughty to foreigners as ever; but, then they ain't so manly, open-hearted, and n.o.ble as they used to be, once upon a time. They have the Spy System now, in full operation here; so jist take my advice, and mind your potatoe-trap, or you will be in trouble afore you are ten days older, see if you ain't."

"The Spy System!" I replied. "Good Heavens, Mr. Slick, how can you talk such nonsense, and yet have the modesty to say you have no prejudice?"

"Yes, the Spy System," said he, "and I'll prove it. You know Dr.