The Art Of Living And Other Stories Part 1

The Art of Living.

And Other Stories.

John Gardner.

CONTENTS.

Nimram.

Redemption.

Stillness.

The Music Lover.

Trumpeter.

The Library Horror.

The Joy of the Just.

Vlemk the Box-Painter.

Come on Back.

The Art of Living.

A Biography of John Gardner.

NIMRAM.

Ich bin von Gott und will ivieder zu Gott.

[FOR WILLIAM H. Ga.s.s].

Seated by the window in the last row of the first-cla.s.s no-smoking section, his large attache case edged under the seat in front of him, his seatbelt snug and buckled, Benjamin Nimram drew off his dark gla.s.ses, tucked them into his inside coat-pocket, and in the same motion turned to look out at the rain on the gleaming tarmac. The dark gla.s.ses were his wife's idea, an idea he'd accepted in the way he accepted nearly all her ideas, with affection and a tuck at the corner of his mouth that signified, though his wife did not know it-or so he imagined-private amus.e.m.e.nt tinged with that faint trace of fatalistic melancholy one might catch, if one were watchful, at the periphery of all he did. Not that Nimram was a gloomy man. When he'd put behind him, at least for public appearances, that famous "Beethoven frown"-once a private joke between his wife and himself but now a thing as public as the mileage of his Rolls, since his wife had mentioned both, in an unguarded moment, to an interviewer-he'd discovered that smiling like a birthday child as he strode, tails flying, toward the light-drenched podium came as naturally to him as breathing, or at any rate as naturally as the second-nature breathing of an oboist. He had mentioned to her-more in the way of trying it out than as sober communication of a determined fact-that it made him uneasy, being recognized everywhere he went these days.

"You poor dear!" she'd said, eyes slightly widening, and he had smiled privately, realizing that now he was in for it. "We'll get a pair of those Polaroid prescription dark gla.s.ses," she'd said.

"Good idea," he'd agreed, seeing himself in them the instant he said it-the dark, heavy face, thick eyebrows, large nose, the somewhat embarra.s.singly expensive suit. "And a shoulder-holster, maybe," he'd thought, but had carefully shown nothing but the tuck at the corner of his mouth.

"Is something wrong?" she'd asked. She stood in the doorway, half in, half out, trowel in hand, a paper bag of some kind of chemical clamped under her arm. He'd caught her on her way out to her gardening. She was smiling brightly, head tipped and thrown toward him, back into the room. It was the look she sometimes got on the tennis court, extravagantly polite, aggressive.

"What could be wrong?" he said, tossing his arms out. "I'll pick up a pair this afternoon."

"Jerry can get them," she said. "I'll phone in ahead." Jerry was their outside man, a grinning young half-j.a.panese. What he did around the place-besides stand with his arms folded, or ride around the lawn on the huge green mower-had never been clear to Nimram.

"Fine," he said, "fine."

She blew him a kiss and ran out.

Poor Arline, he thought, shaking his head, slightly grinning. "I believe I was destined for this marriage," she had once told an interviewer. Though she was sometimes embarra.s.sed almost to tears by what she read in the interviews she'd given to newspapers and magazines, she continued to give them. She saw it as part of her duty as his wife, keeping his name out there. And though she tried to be more careful, knowing how "different" things could sound in print, to say nothing of how reporters could distort if they were, as she said, "that kind"-turning trifles to tragedies, missing jokes, even suddenly attacking her for no reason (one had once called her "a musical ignoramus")-she continued to forget and speak her mind. Nimram praised her, needless to say, no matter what she said. Certainly there was never any harm in her words. Even her cunning, when she schemed about his "image" or the I.R.S., had the innocent openness of the Michigan fields around her father's little place in the country, as he called it-a house sometimes visited, long before her father had bought it, by the elder Henry Ford.

There wasn't a great deal Arline could do for him in the world, or anyway not a great deal he could make her feel he needed and appreciated-aside, of course, from her elegant company at social gatherings, for instance fund-raisers. She was "a good Michigan girl," as she said; Republican, a member (lapsed) of the D.A.R. Subtly-or no, not subtly, but openly, flagrantly-she had been trained from birth for the sacred and substantial position of Good Wife. She was a quick learner-even brilliant, he might have said in an unguarded moment, if Nimram ever had such moments-and she had snapped up the requisite skills of her position the way a streetdog snaps up meat. She was not a great reader (books were one of Nimram's pa.s.sions), and music was not really her first interest in life, except, of course, when Nimram conducted it; but she could keep a household like an old-time Viennese aristocrat; she could "present" her husband, choosing the right restaurants, wines, and charities, buying him not only the exactly right clothes, as it seemed to her (and for all he knew she had unerring taste, though sometimes her choices raised his eyebrows at first), but also finding him the exactly right house, or, rather, Brentwood mansion-formerly the home of a reclusive movie star-the suitable cars-first the Porsche, then on second thought, of course, the Rolls-the suitably lovable fox terrier, which Arline had named Trixie. She had every skill known to the well-to-do Midwestern wife, including certain bedroom skills that Nimram waited with a smile of dread for her to reveal, in her open-hearted, Michigan way, to some yenta from People magazine or the L.A. Times. But for all that, she had moments, he knew, when she seemed to herself inadequate, obscurely unprepared.

"Do you like the house?" she had asked him once, with a bright smile and an uneasiness around the eyes that made his heart go out to her. It was only his heart that got up from the chair; the rest of him sat solid as a rock, with a marked-up score on his knees.

"Of course I like it," he'd answered. "I love it!" When they were alone or among intimate friends his voice had, at times, a hearty bellow that could make Arline jump.

"Good!" she'd said, and had smiled more brightly, then had added, her expression unsure again, "It does seem a solid investment."

Nimram might have said, if he were someone else, "What's the difference? What's a house? I'm the greatest conductor in the world! Civilization is my house!" That, however, was the kind of thing Nimram never said to anyone, even in one of his rare but notorious rages.

Her look of uncertainty was almost anguish now, though she labored to conceal it, and so he'd laid down the score he was fiddling with, had renounced the brief flash of doubt over whether he should leave it there-defenseless on the carpet, where the dog could come in and, say, drool on it-and had swung up out of his chair and strode over to seize her in his arms and press his cheek to hers, saying, "What's this craziness? It's a beautiful house and I love it!"

There had been, apparently, an edge of uncontrol in his heartiness, or perhaps it was simply the age-old weight of the world distracting her, time and the beauty of things falling away, nothing sure, nothing strong enough to bear her up-not yet, anyway, not as quickly as that-not even the strength in her famous conductor's arms. "I'm sorry," she'd said, blinking away tears, giving her embarra.s.sed Midwesterner laugh. "Aren't I a fool?"-biting her lips now, taking on the sins of the world.

"Come," he'd said, "we eat out." It was his standard response to all sorrows no energy of the baton could trans.m.u.te; a brief arrogation of the power of G.o.d-no offense, since G.o.d had no interest in it, it seemed.

"But dinner's been-" she'd begun, drawing back from him, already of two minds.

"No no," he'd said, tyrannical. "Go get dressed. We eat out." Candlelight burning through the wine bottle, silverware shining like her dream of eternity, people across the room showing one by one and four by four their covert signs of having recognized the famous conductor, a thing they could speak of tomorrow and next week, next year, perhaps, buoy themselves up on in dreary times, the memory of that dinner miraculously blessed, as if G.o.d Himself had come to sit with them. The tuck of private amus.e.m.e.nt and sadness touched the corner of Nimram's mouth.

He was not a man who had ever given thought to whether or not his opinions of himself and his effect on the world were inflated. He was a musician simply, or not so simply; an interpreter of Mahler and Bruckner, Sibelius and Nielsen-much as his wife Arline, buying him clothes, transforming his Beethoven frown to his now just as famous bright smile, brushing her lips across his cheek as he plunged (always hurrying) toward sleep, was the dutiful and faithful interpreter of Benjamin Nimram. His life was sufficient, a joy to him, in fact. One might have thought of it-and so Nimram himself thought of it, in certain rare moods-as one resounding success after another. He had conducted every major symphony in the world, had been granted by Toscanini's daughters the privilege of studying their father's scores, treasure-horde of the old man's secrets; he could count among his closest friends some of the greatest musicians of his time. He had so often been called a genius by critics everywhere that he had come to take it for granted that he was indeed just that-"just that" in both senses, exactly that and merely that: a fortunate accident, a man supremely lucky. Had he been born with an ear just a little less exact, a personality more easily ruffled, dexterity less precise, or some physical weakness-a heart too feeble for the demands he made of it, or arthritis, the plague of so many conductors-he would still, no doubt, have been a symphony man, but his ambition would have been checked a little, his ideas of self-fulfillment scaled down. Whatever fate had dealt him he would have learned, no doubt, to put up with, guarding his chips. But Nimram had been dealt all high cards, and he knew it. He revelled in his fortune, sprawling when he sat, his big-boned fingers splayed wide on his belly like a man who's just had dinner, his spirit as playful as a child's for all the gray at his temples, all his middle-aged bulk and weight-packed muscle, all of it-a man too much enjoying himself to have time for scorn or for fretting over whether or not he was getting his due, which, anyway, he was. He was one of the elect. He sailed through the world like a white yacht jubilant with flags.

The rain fell steadily, figures and dark square tractors hurrying toward the belly of the plane and then away again, occasionally glowing under blooms of silent lightning, in the aisle behind him pa.s.sengers still moving with the infinite patience of Tolstoy peasants toward their second-cla.s.s seats. With a part of his mind he watched their reflections in the window and wondered idly how many of them, if any, had seen him conduct, seen anyone conduct, cared at all for the shimmering ghost he had staked his life on. None of them, so far as he could tell, had even noticed the Muzak leaking cheerfully, mindlessly, from the plane's invisible speakers. It would be turned off when the plane was safely airborne, for which he was grateful, needless to say. Yet it was touching, in a way, that the airline should offer this feeble little gesture of rea.s.surance-All will be well! Listen to the Muzak! All will be well! They scarcely heard it, these children of accident, old and young, setting out across the country in the middle of the night; yet perhaps it was true that they were comforted, lulled.

Now a voice said behind him, professionally kind, "There you are. There! Shall I take these? All right?"

When he turned, the stewardess was taking the metal crutches from the young woman-girl, rather-newly planted in the seat beside him.

"Thank you," the girl was saying, reaching down to each side of her for the straps of her seatbelt.

"They'll be right up in front," the stewardess said, drawing the crutches toward her shoulder to clamp them in one arm. "If you need anything, you just sing. All right?"

"Thank you," the girl said again, nodding, drawing up the straps now, studying the buckle. She nodded one more time, smiling suddenly, seeing how the buckle worked, and closed it. She glanced briefly at Nimram, then away again. She was perhaps sixteen.

He too looked away and, with his heart jumping, considered the image of her fixed in his mind. She was so much like his wife Arline-though of course much younger-that he was ready to believe her a lost sister. It was impossible, he knew; Arline's people were not the kind who lost things, much less the kind who had secrets, except on Christmas morning. Yet for all his certainty, some stubborn, infantile part of his brain seized on the idea with both fists and refused to let go. Her hair, like Arline's, was reddish brown, with an outer layer of yellow; hair so soft and fine it was like a brush of light. Their foreheads, noses, mouths, and chins were identical too, or so he'd thought at first. As he turned now, furtively checking, he saw that the girl's nose was straighter than Arline's-prettier, if anything-and more lightly freckled. For all that, the likeness grew stronger as he studied it.

She looked up, caught him watching her, smiled, and looked away. The blue of her eyes was much paler than the blue of Arline's, and the difference so startled him that for a moment-shifting in his seat, clearing his throat, turning to look out at the rain again-he could hardly believe he'd thought the two faces similar. He watched the girl's reflection, in the window eight inches from his face, as she reached toward the pocket on the back of the seat in front of her and drew out a magazine, or perhaps the plasticized safety card.

"I hope they know what they're doing," she said.

Her face, when he half turned to look, showed no sign of joking. Ordinarily, Nimram would have smiled and said nothing. For some reason he spoke. "This your first trip on an airplane?"

She nodded, smiling back, a smile so full of panic he almost laughed.

"Don't worry," he said, "the pilot's in front. Anything happens, he gets it first. He's very concerned about that." Nimram winked.

The girl studied him as if lost in thought, the smile on her face still there but forgotten, and it seemed to him he knew what she was thinking. She was in no condition to pick up ironies. When he'd told her the pilot was "very concerned," did he mean that the pilot was nervous? neurotic? beginning to slip? Did this big, expensive-looking man in the seat beside her know the pilot?

"Do you know the pilot?" she asked innocently, brightening up her smile.

"A joke," he said. "Among people who fly airplanes it's the oldest joke in the world. It means don't worry."

She turned away and looked down at the plasticized card. "It's just, with the rain and everything," she said softly, "what happens if a plane gets. .h.i.t by lightning?"

"I doubt that it would do any harm," he said, knowing it wasn't true. The Vienna Quartet had been killed just a year ago when their plane had been knocked down by lightning. "Anyway, we won't be going anywhere near where the lightning is. They have sophisticated weather charts, radar ... anyway, most of the time we'll be high above it all. You live here in Los Angeles?"

The girl glanced at him, smiling vaguely. She hadn't heard. The Captain had broken in on the Muzak to tell them his name and the usual trivia, their projected alt.i.tude, flight time, weather, the airline's friendly advice about seatbelts. Nimram examined the girl's arm and hand on the armrest, then looked at his own and frowned. She had something wrong with her. He remembered that she'd come on with crutches, and glanced again at her face. Like her hand, it was slightly off-color, slightly puffy. Some blood disease, perhaps.

Now the stewardess was leaning down toward them, talking to both of them as if she thought they were together. Nimram studied the sharp, dark red sheen of her hair, metallic ox-blood. Her face, in comparison with the girl's, was shockingly healthy. She addressed them by their names, "Mr. Nimram, Miss Curtis," a trifle that brought the melancholy tuck to Nimram's mouth, he could hardly have told you why himself-something about civility and human vulnerability, a commercially tainted civility, no doubt (he could see her quickly scanning the first-cla.s.s pa.s.senger list, as per instruction, memorizing names), but civility nonetheless, the familiar old defiance of night and thunder: when they plunged into the Pacific, on the way out for the turn, or snapped off a wing on the horn of some mountain, or exploded in the air or burst into shrapnel and flame on the Mojave, they would die by name: "Mr. Nimram. Miss Curtis." Or anyway so it would be for the people in first cla.s.s. "When we're airborne," the stewardess was saying, "we'll be serving complimentary drinks... ." As she named them off, Miss Curtis sat frowning with concentration, as panicky as ever. She ordered a c.o.ke; Nimram ordered wine. The stewardess smiled as if delighted and moved away.

Neither of them noticed when the plane began to move. The girl had asked him if he flew on airplanes often, and he'd launched a full and elaborate answer-New York, Paris, Rome, Tokyo ... He beamed, gesturing as he spoke, as if flying were the greatest of his pleasures. Nothing could be farther from the truth, in fact; flying bored and annoyed him, not that he was afraid-Nimram was afraid of almost nothing, at any rate nothing he'd experienced so far, and he'd be forty-nine in June. Or rather, to be precise, he was afraid of nothing that could happen to himself, only of things that threatened others. Once he'd been hit on the Los Angeles expressway, when Arline was with him. Her head had been thrown against the dashboard and she'd been knocked unconscious. Nimram, dragging her from the car, cursing the police, who were nowhere to be seen, and shouting at the idiot by-standers, had found himself shaking like a leaf. Sometimes, lying in bed with his arm around her as she slept, Nimram, listening to the silence of the house, the very faint whine of trucks on the highway two miles away, would feel almost crushed by the weight of his fear for her, heaven bearing down on their roof like the base of a graveyard monument-though nothing was wrong, she was well, ten years younger than he was and strong as a horse from all the tennis and swimming.

In his hundreds of flights-maybe it was thousands-he'd never had once what he could honestly describe as a close call, and he'd come to believe that he probably never would have one; but he knew, as surely as a human being can know anything, that if he ever did, he probably wouldn't be afraid. Like most people, he'd heard friends speak, from time to time, about their fear of dying, and the feeling was not one he scorned or despised; but the fact remained, he was not the kind of man who had it. "Well, you're lucky," Arline had said, refusing to believe him, getting for an instant the hard look that came when she believed she was somehow being criticized. "Yes, lucky," he'd said thoughtfully. It was the single most notable fact about his life.

Abruptly, the girl, Miss Curtis, broke in on his expansive praise of airlines. "We're moving!" she exclaimed, darting her head past his shoulder in the direction of the window, no less surprised, it seemed, than she'd have been if they were sitting in a building.

Nimram joined her in looking out, watching yellow lights pa.s.s, the taxiway scored by rain-wet blue-and-white beams thrown by lights farther out. Now on the loudspeaker an invisible stewardess began explaining the use of oxygen masks and the positions of the doors, while their own stewardess, with slightly parted lips and her eyes a little widened, pointed and gestured without a sound, like an Asian dancer. The girl beside him listened as if in despair, glum as a student who's fallen hopelessly behind. Her hand on the armrest was more yellow than before.

"Don't worry," Nimram said, "you'll like it."

She was apparently too frightened to speak or turn her head.

Now the engines wound up to full power, a sound that for no real reason reminded Nimram of the opening of Brahms' First, and lights came on, surprisingly powerful, like a searchlight or the headlight of a railroad engine, smashing through the rain as if by violent will, flooding the runway below and ahead of the wing just behind him, and the plane began its quickly accelerating, furious run down the field for take-off. Like a grandfather, Nimram put his hand on the girl's. "Look," he said, showing his smile, tilting his head in the direction of the window, but she shook her head just perceptibly and shut her eyes tight. Again for an instant he was struck by the likeness, as remarkable now as it had been when he'd first seen her, and he tried to remember when Arline had squeezed her eyes shut in exactly that way. He could see her face vividly-they were outdoors somewhere, in summer, perhaps in England-but the background refused to fill in for him, remained just a sunlit, ferny green, and the memory tingling in the cellar of his mind dimmed out. The Brahms was still playing itself inside him, solemn and magnificent, aglow, like the lights of the city now fallen far beneath them, lurid in the rain. Now the plane was banking, yawing like a ship as it founders and slips over, the headlights rushing into churning spray, the unbelievably large black wing upended, suddenly white in a blast of clouded lightning, then black again, darker than before. As the plane righted itself, the pilot began speaking to the pa.s.sengers again. Nimram, frowning his Beethoven frown, hardly noticed. The plane began to bounce, creaking like a carriage, still climbing to get above the weather.

"Dear G.o.d," the girl whispered.

"It's all right, it's all all right," Nimram said, and pressed her hand.

Her name was Anne. She was, as he'd guessed, sixteen; from Chicago; and though she did not tell him what her disease was or directly mention that she was dying, she made her situation clear enough. "It's incredible," she said. "One of my grandmothers is ninety-two, the other one's eighty-six. But I guess it doesn't matter. If you're chosen, you're chosen." A quick, embarra.s.sed smile. "Are you in business or something?"

"More or less," he said. "You're in school?"

"High school," she said.

"You have boyfriends?"

"No."

Nimram shook his head as if in wonderment and looked quickly toward the front of the plane for some distraction. "Ah," he said, "here's the stewardess with our drinks."

The girl smiled and nodded, though the stewardess was still two seats away. "We don't seem to have gotten above the storm, do we." She was looking past him, out the window at the towers of cloud lighting up, darkening, then lighting again. The plane was still jouncing, as if b.u.mping things more solid than any possible air or cloud, maybe Plato's airy beasts.

"Things'll settle down in a minute," Nimram said.

Innocently, the girl asked, "Are you religious or anything?"

"Well, no-" He caught himself. "More or less," he said.

"You're more or less in business and you're more or less religious," the girl said, and smiled as if she'd caught him. "Are you a gambler, then?"

He laughed. "Is that what I look like?"

She continued to smile, but studied him, looking mainly at his black-and-gray unruly hair. "Actually, I never saw one, that I know of. Except in movies."

Nimram mused. "I guess we're pretty much all of us gamblers," he said, and at once felt embarra.s.sment at having come on like a philosopher or, worse, a poet.

"I know," she said without distress. "Winners and losers."

He shot her a look. If she was going to go on like this she was going to be trouble. Was she speaking so freely because they were strangers?-travellers who'd never meet again? He folded and unfolded his hands slowly, in a way that would have seemed to an observer not nervous but judicious; and, frowning more severely then he knew, his graying eyebrows low, Nimram thought about bringing out the work in his attache case.

Before he reached his decision, their stewardess was bending down toward them, helping the girl drop her tray into position. Nimram lowered his, then took the winegla.s.s and bottle the stewardess held out. No sooner had he set down the gla.s.s than the plane hit what might have been a slanted stone wall in the middle of the sky and veered crazily upward, then laboriously steadied.

"Oh my G.o.d, dear G.o.d, my G.o.d!" the girl whispered.

"You are religious," Nimram said, and smiled.

She said nothing, but sat rigid, slightly cross at him, perhaps, steadying the gla.s.s on the napkin now soaked in c.o.ke.

The pilot came on again, casual, as if amused by their predicament. "Sorry we can't give you a smoother ride, folks, but looks like Mother Nature's in a real tizzy tonight. We're taking the ship up to thirty-seven thousand, see if we can't just outfox her."

"Is that safe?" the girl asked softly.

He nodded and shrugged. "Safe as a ride in a rockingchair," he said.

They could feel the plane nosing up, climbing so sharply that for a moment even Nimram felt a touch of dismay. The b.u.mping and creaking became less noticeable. Nimram took a deep breath and poured his wine.

Slowly, carefully, the girl raised the c.o.ke to her lips and took a small sip, then set it down again. "I hope it's not like this in Chicago," she said.

"I'm sure it won't be." He toasted her with the winegla.s.s-she seemed not to notice-then drew it to his mouth and drank.

He couldn't tell how long he'd slept or what, if anything, he'd dreamed. The girl slept beside him, fallen toward his shoulder, the cabin around them droning quietly, as if singing to itself, below them what might have been miles of darkness, as if the planet had silently fallen out from under them, tumbling toward G.o.d knew what. Here in the dimly lit cabin, Nimram felt serene. They'd be landing at O'Hare shortly-less than two hours. Arline would be waiting in the lounge, smiling eagerly, even more pleased than usual to see him, after three long days with her parents. He'd be no less glad to see her, of course; yet just now, though he knew that that moment was rushing toward him, he felt aloof from it, suspended above time's wild drive like the note of a single flute above a poised and silent orchestra. For all he could tell, the plane itself might have been hanging motionless, as still as the pinp.r.i.c.k stars overhead.

The cabin had grown chilly, and, carefully, making sure he didn't wake her, Nimram raised the girl's blanket toward her throat. She stirred, a muscle along her jaw twitching, but continued to sleep, her breathing deep and even. Across the aisle from them, an old woman opened her eyes and stared straight ahead, listening like someone who imagines she's heard a burglar in the kitchen, then closed them again, indifferent.

Thoughtfully, Nimram gazed at the sleeping girl. On her forehead, despite the cold, there were tiny beads of sweat. He considered brushing the hair back from her face-it looked as if it tickled-but with his hand already in the air he checked himself, then lowered the hand. She was young enough to be his daughter, he mused, pursing his lips. Thank G.o.d she wasn't. Instantly, he hated it that he'd thought such a thing. She was some poor devil's daughter. Then it dawned on Nimram that she was young enough, too, to be Arline's daughter, from the time before Arline and he had met. Arline was thirty-nine, the girl sixteen. The faintest trace of a p.r.i.c.kling came to his scalp, and he felt now a different kind of chill in the cabin, as if a cloud had pa.s.sed between his soul and some invisible sun. "Don't ask!" Arline would say when he drew her toward the subject of her life-that is, her love-life-before they knew each other. "I was wild," she would say, laughing, "G.o.d!" and would touch his cheek with the back of her hand. The dark, infantile part of Nimram's mind seized on that now with the same blind obstinance as it had earlier seized on the idea that the girl was Arline's sister. Consciously, or with his brain's left lobe, perhaps, he knew the idea was nonsense. Arline's laugh had no abandoned child in it, only coy hints of old escapades-love-making on beaches or in the back seats of cars, drunken parties in the houses of friends when the parents were far away in Cleveland or Detroit, and then when she was older, affairs more serious and miserable. She had been married, briefly, to a man who had something to do with oil-rigs. About that he knew a fair amount, though with her Anglo-Saxon ideas of what was proper she hated to speak of it. In any case, the idea that the girl might be her daughter was groundless and absurd; if it remained, roaming in the dark of his mind, it remained against his will, like a rat in the bas.e.m.e.nt, too canny to be poisoned or trapped. Even so, even after he'd rejected it utterly, he found that the groundless suspicion had subtly trans.m.u.ted the way he saw the girl. He felt in his chest and at the pit of his stomach an echo of the anguish her parents must be feeling, a shadowy sorrow that, for all his notorious good fortune, made him feel helpless.

Strange images began to molest Nimram's thoughts, memories of no real significance, yet intense, like charged images in a dream. Memories, ideas ... It was hard to say what they were. It was as if he had indeed, by a careless misstep, slipped out of time, as if the past and present had collapsed into one unbroken instant, so that he was both himself and himself at sixteen, the age of the girl asleep beside him.