The Anatomy of Melancholy Part 74

sing "Fortune my foe? "------

Some are so curious in this behalf, as those old Romans, our modern Venetians, Dutch and French, that if two parties clearly love, the one n.o.ble, the other ign.o.ble, they may not by their laws match, though equal otherwise in years, fortunes, education, and all good affection. In Germany, except they can prove their gentility by three descents, they scorn to match with them. A n.o.bleman must marry a n.o.blewoman: a baron, a baron's daughter; a knight, a knight's; a gentleman, a gentleman's: as slaters sort their slates, do they degrees and families. If she be never so rich, fair, well qualified otherwise, they will make him forsake her. The Spaniards abhor all widows; the Turks repute them old women, if past five-and-twenty. But these are too severe laws, and strict customs, _dandum aliquid amori_, we are all the sons of Adam, 'tis opposite to nature, it ought not to be so. Again: he loves her most impotently, she loves not him, and so _e contra_. [5839]Pan loved Echo, Echo Satyrus, Satyrus Lyda.

"Quantum ipsorum aliquis amantem oderat, Tantum ipsius amans odiosus erat."

"They love and loathe of all sorts, he loves her, she hates him; and is loathed of him, on whom she dotes." Cupid hath two darts, one to force love, all of gold, and that sharp,--[5840]_Quod facit auratum est_; another blunt, of lead, and that to hinder;--_fugat hoc, facit illud amorem_, "this dispels, that creates love." This we see too often verified in our common experience. [5841]Ch.o.r.esus dearly loved that virgin Callyrrhoe; but the more he loved her, the more she hated him. Oenone loved Paris, but he rejected her: they are stiff of all sides, as if beauty were therefore created to undo, or be undone. I give her all attendance, all observance, I pray and intreat, [5842]_Alma precor miserere mei_, fair mistress pity me, I spend myself, my time, friends and fortunes, to win her favour, (as he complains in the [5843]Eclogue,) I lament, sigh, weep, and make my moan to her, "but she is hard as flint,"--_cautibus Ismariis immotior_--as fair and hard as a diamond, she will not respect, _Despectus tibi sum_, or hear me,

[5844] ------"fugit illa vocantem Nil lachrymas miserata meas, nil flexa querelis."

What shall I do?

"I wooed her as a young man should do, But sir, she said, I love not you."

[5845] "Durior at scopulis mea Coelia, marmore, ferro, Robore, rupe, antro, cornu, adamante, gelu."

"Rock, marble, heart of oak with iron barr'd, Frost, flint or adamants, are not so hard."

I give, I bribe, I send presents, but they are refused. [5846]_Rusticus est Coridon, nec munera curat Alexis_. I protest, I swear, I weep,

[5847] ------"odioque rependit amores, Irrisu lachrymas"------

"She neglects me for all this, she derides me," contemns me, she hates me, "Phillida flouts me:" _Caute, feris, quercu durior Eurydice_, stiff, churlish, rocky still.

And 'tis most true, many gentlewomen are so nice, they scorn all suitors, crucify their poor paramours, and think n.o.body good enough for them, as dainty to please as Daphne herself.

[5848] "Multi illum petiere, illa aspernate petentes, Nec quid Hymen, quid amor, quid sint connubia curat."

"Many did woo her, but she scorn'd them still, And said she would not marry by her will."

One while they will not marry, as they say at least, (when as they intend nothing less) another while not yet, when 'tis their only desire, they rave upon it. She will marry at last, but not him: he is a proper man indeed, and well qualified, but he wants means: another of her suitors hath good means, but he wants wit; one is too old, another too young, too deformed, she likes not his carriage: a third too loosely given, he is rich, but base born: she will be a gentlewoman, a lady, as her sister is, as her mother is: she is all out as fair, as well brought up, hath as good a portion, and she looks for as good a match, as Matilda or Dorinda: if not, she is resolved as yet to tarry, so apt are young maids to boggle at every object, so soon won or lost with every toy, so quickly diverted, so hard to be pleased. In the meantime, _quot torsit amantes_? one suitor pines away, languisheth in love, _mori quot denique cogit!_ another sighs and grieves, she cares not: and which [5849]Siroza objected to Ariadne,

"Nec magis Euryali gemitu, lacrymisque moveris, Quam prece turbati flect.i.tur ora sati.

Tu juvenem, quo non formosior alter in urbe, Spernis, et insano cogis amore mori."

"Is no more mov'd with those sad sighs and tears, Of her sweetheart, than raging sea with prayers: Thou scorn'st the fairest youth in all our city, And mak'st him almost mad for love to die:"

They take a pride to prank up themselves, to make young men. enamoured,-- [5850]_captare viros et spernere capias_, to dote on them, and to run mad for their sakes,

[5851] ------"sed nullis illa movetur Fletibus, aut voces ullas tractabilis audit."

"Whilst n.i.g.g.ardly their favours they discover, They love to be belov'd, yet scorn the lover."

All suit and service is too little for them, presents too base: _Tormentis gaudet amantis--et spoliis_. As Atalanta they must be overrun, or not won.

Many young men are as obstinate, and as curious in their choice, as tyrannically proud, insulting, deceitful, false-hearted, as irrefragable and peevish on the other side; Narcissus-like,

[5852] "Multi illum juvenes, multae petiere puellae, Sed fuit in tenera tam dira superbia forma, Nulli illum juvenes, nullas petiere puellae."

"Young men and maids did to him sue, But in his youth, so proud, so coy was he, Young men and maids bade him adieu."

Echo wept and wooed him by all means above the rest, Love me for pity, or pity me for love, but he was obstinate, _Ante ait emoriar quam sit tibi copia nostri_, "he would rather die than give consent." Psyche ran whining after Cupid,

[5853] "Formosum tua te Psyche formosa requirit, Et poscit te dia deum, puerumque puella;"

"Fair Cupid, thy fair Psyche to thee sues, A lovely la.s.s a fine young gallant woos;"

but he rejected her nevertheless. Thus many lovers do hold out so long, doting on themselves, stand in their own light, till in the end they come to be scorned and rejected, as Stroza's Gargiliana was,

"Te juvenes, te odere senes, desertaque langues, Quae fueras procerum publica cura prius."

"Both young and old do hate thee scorned now, That once was all their joy and comfort too."

As Narcissus was himself,

------"Who despising many.

Died ere he could enjoy the love of any."

They begin to be contemned themselves of others, as he was of his shadow, and take up with a poor curate, or an old serving-man at last, that might have had their choice of right good matches in their youth; like that generous mare, in [5854]Plutarch, which would admit of none but great horses, but when her tail was cut off and mane shorn close, and she now saw herself so deformed in the water, when she came to drink, _ab asino conscendi se pa.s.sa_, she was contented at last to be covered by an a.s.s. Yet this is a common humour, will not be left, and cannot be helped.

[5855] "Hanc volo quae non vult, illam quae vult ego nolo: Vincere vult animos, non satiare Venus."

"I love a maid, she loves me not: full fain She would have me, but I not her again; So love to crucify men's souls is bent: But seldom doth it please or give consent."

"Their love danceth in a ring, and Cupid hunts them round about; he dotes, is doted on again." _Dumque pet.i.t pet.i.tur, pariterque accedit et ardet_, their affection cannot be reconciled. Oftentimes they may and will not, 'tis their own foolish proceedings that mars all, they are too distrustful of themselves, too soon dejected: say she be rich, thou poor: she young, thou old; she lovely and fair, thou most ill-favoured and deformed; she n.o.ble, thou base: she spruce and fine, but thou an ugly clown: _nil desperandum_, there's hope enough yet: _Mopso Nisa datur, quid non speremus amantes_? Put thyself forward once more, as unlikely matches have been and are daily made, see what will be the event. Many leave roses and gather thistles, loathe honey and love verjuice: our likings are as various as our palates. But commonly they omit opportunities, _oscula qui sumpsit_, &c., they neglect the usual means and times.

"He that will not when he may, When he will he shall have nay."

They look to be wooed, sought after, and sued to. Most part they will and cannot, either for the above-named reasons, or for that there is a mult.i.tude of suitors equally enamoured, doting all alike; and where one alone must speed, what shall become of the rest? Hero was beloved of many, but one did enjoy her; Penelope had a company of suitors, yet all missed of their aim. In such cases he or they must wisely and warily unwind themselves, unsettle his affections by those rules above prescribed,-- [5856]_quin stultos excut.i.t ignes_, divert his cogitations, or else bravely bear it out, as Turnus did, _Tua sit Lavinia conjux_, when he could not get her, with a kind of heroical scorn he bid Aeneas take her, or with a milder farewell, let her go. _Et Phillida solus habeto_, "Take her to you, G.o.d give you joy, sir." The fox in the emblem would eat no grapes, but why?

because he could not get them; care not then for that which may not be had.

Many such inconveniences, lets, and hindrances there are, which cross their projects and crucify poor lovers, which sometimes may, sometimes again cannot be so easily removed. But put case they be reconciled all, agreed hitherto, suppose this love or good liking be between two alone, both parties well pleased, there is _mutuus amor_, mutual love and great affection; yet their parents, guardians, tutors, cannot agree, thence all is dashed, the match is unequal: one rich, another poor: _durus pater_, a hard-hearted, unnatural, a covetous father will not marry his son, except he have so much money, _ita in aurum omnes insaniunt_, as [5857]Chrysostom notes, nor join his daughter in marriage, to save her dowry, or for that he cannot spare her for the service she doth him, and is resolved to part with nothing whilst he lives, not a penny, though he may peradventure well give it, he will not till he dies, and then as a pot of money broke, it is divided amongst them that gaped after it so earnestly. Or else he wants means to set her out, he hath no money, and though it be to the manifest prejudice of her body and soul's health, he cares not, he will take no notice of it, she must and shall tarry. Many slack and careless parents, _iniqui patres_, measure their children's affections by their own, they are now cold and decrepit themselves, past all such youthful conceits, and they will therefore starve their children's genus, have them _a pueris [5858]

illico nasci senes_, they must not marry, _nec earum affines esse rerum quas sec.u.m fert adolescentia: ex sua libidine moderatur quae est nunc, non quae olim fuit_: as he said in the comedy: they will stifle nature, their young bloods must not partic.i.p.ate of youthful pleasures, but be as they are themselves old on a sudden. And 'tis a general fault amongst most parents in bestowing of their children, the father wholly respects wealth, when through his folly, riot, indiscretion, he hath embezzled his estate, to recover himself, he confines and prost.i.tutes his eldest son's love and affection to some fool, or ancient, or deformed piece for money.

[5859] "Phanaretae ducet filiam, rufam, illam virginem, Caesiam, sparso ore, adunco naso"------

and though his son utterly dislike, with c.l.i.tipho in the comedy, _Non possum pater_: If she be rich, _Eia_ (he replies) _ut elegans est, credas animum ibi esse_? he must and shall have her, she is fair enough, young enough, if he look or hope to inherit his lands, he shall marry, not when or whom he loves, _Arconidis hujus filiam_, but whom his father commands, when and where he likes, his affection must dance attendance upon him. His daughter is in the same predicament forsooth, as an empty boat, she must carry what, where, when, and whom her father will. So that in these businesses the father is still for the best advantage; now the mother respects good kindred, must part the son a proper woman. All which [5860]

Livy exemplifies, _dec. 1. lib. 4._ a gentleman and a yeoman wooed a wench in Rome (contrary to that statute that the gentry and commonalty must not match together); the matter was controverted: the gentleman was preferred by the mother's voice, _quae quam splendissimis nuptiis jungi puellam volebat_: the overseers stood for him that was most worth, &c. But parents ought not to be so strict in this behalf, beauty is a dowry of itself all sufficient, [5861]_Virgo formosa, etsi oppido pauper, abunde dotata est_, [5862]Rachel was so married to Jacob, and Bonaventure, [5863]_in 4. sent_, "denies that he so much as venially sins, that marries a maid for comeliness of person." The Jews, Deut. xxi. 11, if they saw amongst the captives a beautiful woman, some small circ.u.mstances observed, might take her to wife. They should not be too severe in that kind, especially if there be no such urgent occasion, or grievous impediment. 'Tis good for a commonwealth. [5864]Plato holds, that in their contracts "young men should never avoid the affinity of poor folks, or seek after rich." Poverty and base parentage may be sufficiently recompensed by many other good qualities, modesty, virtue, religion, and choice bringing up, [5865]"I am poor, I confess, but am I therefore contemptible, and an abject? Love itself is naked, the graces; the stars, and Hercules clad in a lion's skin." Give something to virtue, love, wisdom, favour, beauty, person; be not all for money. Besides, you must consider that _Amor cogi non potest_, love cannot be compelled, they must affect as they may: [5866]_Fatum est in partibus illis quas sinus abscondit_, as the saying is, marriage and hanging goes by destiny, matches are made in heaven.

"It lies not in our power to love or hate, For will in us is overrul'd by fate."

A servant maid in [5867]Aristaenetus loved her mistress's minion, which when her dame perceived, _furiosa aemulatione_ in a jealous humour she dragged her about the house by the hair of the head, and vexed her sore.

The wench cried out, [5868]"O mistress, fortune hath made my body your servant, but not my soul!" Affections are free, not to be commanded.

Moreover it may be to restrain their ambition, pride, and covetousness, to correct those hereditary diseases of a family, G.o.d in his just judgment a.s.signs and permits such matches to be made. For I am of Plato and [5869]

Bodine's mind, that families have their bounds and periods as well as kingdoms, beyond which for extent or continuance they shall not exceed, six or seven hundred years, as they there ill.u.s.trate by a mult.i.tude of examples, and which Peucer and [5870]Melancthon approve, but in a perpetual tenor (as we see by many pedigrees of knights, gentlemen, yeomen) continue as they began, for many descents with little alteration. Howsoever let them, I say, give something to youth, to love; they must not think they can fancy whom they appoint; [5871]_Amor enim non imperatur, affectus liber si quis alius et vices exigens_, this is a free pa.s.sion, as Pliny said in a panegyric of his, and may not be forced: Love craves liking, as the saying is, it requires mutual affections, a correspondency: _invito non datur nec aufertur_, it may not be learned, Ovid himself cannot teach us how to love, Solomon describe, Apelles paint, or Helen express it. They must not therefore compel or intrude; [5872]_quis enim_ (as Fabius urgeth) _amare alieno animo potest_? but consider withal the miseries of enforced marriages; take pity upon youth: and such above the rest as have daughters to bestow, should be very careful and provident to marry them in due time.

Siracides cap. 7. vers. 25. calls it "a weighty matter to perform, so to marry a daughter to a man of understanding in due time:" _Virgines enim tempestive locandae_, as [5873]Lemnius admonisheth, _lib. 1. cap. 6._ Virgins must be provided for in season, to prevent many diseases, of which [5874]Rodericus a Castro _de morbis mulierum, lib. 2. cap. 3._ and Lod.

Mercatus _lib. 2. de mulier. affect, cap. 4, de melanch. virginum et viduarum_, have both largely discoursed. And therefore as well to avoid these feral maladies, 'tis good to get them husbands betimes, as to prevent some other gross inconveniences, and for a thing that I know besides; _ubi nuptiarum tempus et aetas advenerit_, as Chrysostom adviseth, let them not defer it; they perchance will marry themselves else, or do worse. If Nevisa.n.u.s the lawyer do not impose, they may do it by right: for as he proves out of Curtius, and some other civilians, Sylvae, _nup. lib. 2.

numer. 30._ [5875]"A maid past twenty-five years of age, against her parents' consent may marry such a one as is unworthy of, and inferior to her, and her father by law must be compelled to give her a competent dowry." Mistake me not in the mean time, or think that I do apologise here for any headstrong, unruly, wanton flirts. I do approve that of St. Ambrose (_Comment. in Genesis xxiv. 51_), which he hath written touching Rebecca's spousals, "A woman should give unto her parents the choice of her husband, [5876]lest she be reputed to be malapert and wanton, if she take upon her to make her own choice; [5877]for she should rather seem to be desired by a man, than to desire a man herself." To those hard parents alone I retort that of Curtius, (in the behalf of modester maids), that are too remiss and careless of their due time and riper years. For if they tarry longer, to say truth, they are past date, and n.o.body will respect them. A woman with us in Italy (saith [5878]Aretine's Lucretia) twenty-four years of age, "is old already, past the best, of no account." An old fellow, as Lycistrata confesseth in [5879]Aristophanes, _etsi sit ca.n.u.s, cito puellam virginem ducat uxorem_, and 'tis no news for an old fellow to marry a young wench: but as he follows it, _mulieris brevis occasio est, etsi hoc non apprehenderit, nemo vult ducere uxorem, expectans vero sedet_; who cares for an old maid? she may set, &c. A virgin, as the poet holds, _lasciva et petulans puella virgo_, is like a flower, a rose withered on a sudden.

[5880] "Quam modo nascentem rutilus conspexit Eous, Hanc rediens sero vespere vidit anum."