The American Union Speaker Part 73

DR. GREGORY--PATIENT.

[SCENE.----DR. GREGORY'S STUDY. ENTER A PLUMP GLASGOW MERCHANT.]

Pa. Good morning, Dr. Gregory! I'm just come into Edinburg about some law business, and I thought when I was here, at any rate, I might just as weel take your advice, sir, about my trouble.

Dr. Pray, sir, sit down. And now, my good sir, what may your trouble be?

Pa. Indeed, Doctor, I'm not very sure; but I'm thinking it's a kind of weakness that makes me dizzy at times, and a kind of pickling about my stomachs;--I'm just na right.

Dr. You are from the West country, I should suppose, sir?

Pa. Yes, sir, from Glasgow.

Dr. Ay; pray, sir, are you a glutton?

Pa. G.o.d forbid, sir; I'm one of the plainest men living in all the West country.

Dr. Then, perhaps, you are a drunkard?

Pa. No, Dr. Gregory; thank G.o.d, no one can accuse me of that. I'm of the Dissenting persuasion, Doctor, and an Elder; so you may suppose I'm na drunkard.

Dr. I'll suppose no such thing till you tell me your mode of life. I'm so much puzzled with your symptoms, sir, that I would wish to hear in detail what you do eat and drink. When do you breakfast, and what do you take at it?

Pa. I breakfast at nine o'clock; take a cup of coffee, and one or two cups of tea, a couple of eggs, and a bit of ham or kipper salmon, or, may be, both, if they're good, and two or three rolls and b.u.t.ter.

Dr. Do you eat no honey, or jelly, or jam, at breakfast?

Pa. Oh, yes, sir! but I don't count that as anything.

Dr. Come, this is a very moderate breakfast. What kind of a dinner do you make?

Pa. Oh, sir, I eat a very plain dinner indeed; some soup, and some fish, and a little plain roast or boiled; for I dinna care for made dishes; I think, some way, they never satisfy the appet.i.te.

Dr. You take a little pudding, teens and afterwards some cheese.

Pa. Oh, yes! though I don't care much about them.

Dr. You take a gla.s.s of ale and porter with your cheese?

Pa. Yes, one or the other; but seldom both.

Dr. You West-country people generally take a gla.s.s of Highland whiskey after dinner.

Pa. Yes, we do; it as good for digestion.

Dr. Do you take any wine during dinner?

Pa. Yes, a gla.s.s or two of sherry; but I'm indifferent as to wine during dinner. I drink a good deal of beer Dr. What quant.i.ty of port do you drink?

Pa. Oh, very little; not above half a dozen gla.s.ses or so.

Dr. In the West country it is impossible, I hear to dine without punch?

Pa. Yes, sir, indeed, 't is punch we drink chiefly; but for myself unless I happen to have a friend with me, I never take more than a couple of tumblers or so, and that's moderate.

Dr. Oh, exceedingly moderate indeed! You then, after this slight repast, take some tea and bread and b.u.t.ter?

Pa. Yes, before I go to the counting-house to read the evening letters.

Dr. And on your return you take supper, I suppose.

Pa. No, sir, I canna be said to take supper; just something before going to bed;--a rizzard haddock, or a bit of toasted cheese, or a half-hundred of oysters: or the like o' that and may be, two thirds of a bottle of ale; but I take no regular supper.

Dr. But you take a little more punch after that?

Pa. No, sir, punch does not agree with me at bedtime. I take a tumbler of warm whiskey-toddy at night; it is lighter to sleep on.

Dr. So it must be, no doubt. This, you say, is your every day life; but, upon great occasions, you perhaps exceed a little?

Pa. No, sir, except when a friend or two dine with me, or I dine out, which, as I am a sober family man, does not often happen.

Dr. Not above twice a week?

Pa. No; not oftener.

Dr. Of course you sleep well and have a good appet.i.te?

Pa. Yes, sir, thank G.o.d, I have; indeed, any ill-health that I have is about meal-time.

Dr. [a.s.suming a severe look, knitting his brow, and lowering his eyebrows.] Now, sir, you are a very pretty fellow indeed.

You come here and tell me you are a moderate man; but upon examination, I find by your own showing that you are a most voracious glutton. You said you were a sober man; yet, by your own showing, you are a beer-swiller, a dram-drinker, a wine-bibber, and a guzzler of punch. You tell me you eat indigestible suppers, and swill toddy to force sleep. I see that you chew tobacco. Now, sir, what human stomach can stand this? Go home, sir, and leave your present [course of ] riotous living, and there are hopes that your stomach may recover its tone, and you be in good health, like your neighbors.

Pa. I'm sure, Doctor, I 'm very much obliged to you [taking out a bundle of bank-notes], I shall endeavor to.

Dr. Sir, you are not obliged to me:--put up your money, sir. Do you think I 'll take a fee for telling you what you know as well as myself? Though you 're no physician, sir, you are not altogether a fool. Go home, sir, and reform, or, take my word for it, your life is not worth half a year's purchase.

CCCLXXVI.

THE TWO ROBBERS.

[Alexander THE great, in his tent. A man with a fierce countenance, chained and fettered, brought before him.]

Alex. What! art thou the Thracian robber, of whose exploits I have heard so much?

Rob. I am a Thracian, and a soldier.

Alex. A soldier!--a thief, a plunderer, an a.s.sa.s.sin! the pest of the country! I could honor thy courage; but I must detest and punish thy crimes.

Rob. What have I done of which you can complain?

Alex. Hast thou not set at defiance my authority; violated the public peace, and pa.s.sed thy life in injuring the persons and the properties of thy fellow-subjects?

Rob. Alexander, I am your captive I must hear what you please to say, and endure what you please to inflict. But my soul is unconquered; and if I reply at all to your reproaches, I will reply like a free man.

Alex. Speak freely. Far be it for me take the advantage of my power, to silence those with whom I deign to converse.

Rob. I must; then, answer your question by another. How have you pa.s.sed your life?

Alex. Like a hero. Ask Fame, and she will tell you.

Among the brave, I have been the bravest; among sovereigns, the n.o.blest; among conquerors, the mightiest.

Rob. And does not Fame speak of me, too? Was there ever a bolder captain of a more valiant band? Was there ever-- but I scorn to boast. You yourself know that I have not been easily subdued.

Alex. Still, what are you, but a robber--a base dishonest robber?

Rob. And what is a conqueror? Have not you, too gone about the earth like an evil genius: blasting the fair fruits of peace and industry; plundering, ravaging, killing without law, without justice, merely to gratify an insatiable l.u.s.t for dominion?

All that I have done to a single district, with a hundred followers you have done to whole nations, with a hundred thousand.

If I have stripped individuals, you have ruined kings and princes.

If I have burned a few hamlets, you have desolated the most flourishing kingdoms and cities of the earth. What is then the difference, but that as you were born a king, and I a private man, you have been able to become a mightier robber than I?

Alex. But if I have taken like a king, I have given like a king. If I have subverted empires, I have founded greater. I have cherished arts, commerce, and philosophy.

Rob. I, too, have freely given to the poor what I took from the rich. I have established order and discipline among the most ferocious of mankind; and I have stretched out my protecting arm over the oppressed. I know, indeed, little of the philosphy you talk of; but I believe neither you nor I shall ever atone to the world for the mischief we have done it.

Alex. Leave me.--Take off his chains, and use him well.

Are we, then, so much alike? Alexander to a robber?--Let me reflect.

Dr. Aiken.

CCCLXXVII.

THE MISER.

LOVEGOLD--JAMES.

Love. Where have you been? I have wanted you above an hour.

James. Whom do you want, sir,--your coachman or your cook? for I am both one and t' other.

Love. I want my cook.

James. I thought, indeed, it was not your coachman; for you have had no great occasion for him since your last pair of horses were starved; but your cook, sir, shall wait upon you in an instant. [ Puts off his coachman's great-coat and appears as a cook.] Now sir, I am ready for your commands.

Love. I am engaged this evening to give a supper.

James. A supper, sir! I have not heard the word this half-year; a dinner, indeed, now and then; but, for a supper, I'm almost afraid, for want of practice, my hand is out.

Love. Leave off your saucy jesting, and see that you provide a good supper.

James. That may be done with a good deal of money, sir.

Love. Is the mischief in you? Always money! Can you say nothing else but money, money, money? My children, my servants, my relations, can p.r.o.nounce nothing but money.

James. Well, sir; but how many will there be at table?

love. About eight or ten; but I will have supper dressed but for eight; for if there be enough for eight, there is enough for ten.

James. Suppose, sir, at one end, a handsome soup; at the other, a fine Westphalia ham and chickens; on one side, a fillet of veal; on the other, a turkey, or rather a bustard, which may be had for about a guinea-- Love. Zounds! is the fellow providing an entertainment for my lord mayor and the court of aldermen?

James. Then a ragout-- Love. I'll have no ragout. Would you burst the good people you dog?

James. Then pray, sir, what will you have?

Love. Why, see and provide something to cloy their stomachs: let there be two good dishes of soup-maigre; a large suet pudding; some dainty, fat pork-pie, very fat; a fine, small lean breast of mutton, and a large dish with two artichokes. There; that's plenty and variety.

James. O, dear-- Love. Plenty and variety.

James. But, sir, you must have some poultry.