The Alternative Hero Part 26

"It's the same. I only write well. I had a dreadful stammer 'til I was thirteen."

"Ha. That makes two of us."

"Really?"

"Yes. Anyway, you were saying. So, what made you think all this? My lyrics?"

"Yeah. I mean the obvious one is 'This Is What You Wanted' ... 'The animals are fighting. They race around the building site, pretending it's exciting' 'The animals are fighting. They race around the building site, pretending it's exciting'-that's the building site opposite Gloria's flat in Belsize Park. 'The candles and balloons are out, but it is not my birthday' 'The candles and balloons are out, but it is not my birthday'-that's Camden Palace decorating the venue for Gloria's birthday, but getting the wrong date. Then there's-"

"Wait, stop. How do you know know all this?" all this?"

"We were there!" there!"

"At her flat?"

"No, I mean ... Alan and I were indie fans for years, which basically meant we hung out in Camden for years. You get to know where people live eventually. I knew where you you lived ... uh, not in a stalkerish way, of course." lived ... uh, not in a stalkerish way, of course."

"Of course not," he glares, tapping my letter.

"Er ... anyway. Then that line 'Another silent victory, but I'm still uninvited ... I'll fight it out another year, convince myself I like it' 'Another silent victory, but I'm still uninvited ... I'll fight it out another year, convince myself I like it'-That's Gloria, sort of lurking in the background, but never being ... um ... invited into your life, kinda thing, and fighting it out, as in, she'll keep being friends with you and the band but she's not really enjoying herself and it starts affecting her, in quite a bad way, which is what you meant in that interview when you said, 'That was the start of everything going a bit wrong.'"

He's silent. I stand and look over his gla.s.ses, just to check he's not fallen asleep.

"And there's others ... um ..." I delve into my bag and pull out Alan's sc.r.a.pbook. "There was this one time we went to a Pearl Jam show at Brixton, and Gloria was there in the bar looking pretty ill, really ... She had one of her punk T-shirts on. We remember all this 'cos Alan managed to get a photo of me with her in the background. Might even still be in here ..."

I'm flicking through the sc.r.a.pbook for the particular date. Lance leans forward to look.

"Quite a piece of work," he offers.

"Ha, yes. Alan's, not mine, I'm afraid. Here we are."

A double-page spread devoted to the gig in question has a small colour photo glued to the right-hand side. A smiling, long-haired me in a Flaming Lips top fills most of the frame, but Gloria's impossibly skinny figure is unmistakable amid a crowd by the bar. Her white ripped T-shirt bears the characters "F=W+M." Lance sees this, then gasps and sits back, his hand in front of his mouth.

"We thought about what the letters meant for ages, after the photo was developed," I explain, "but the only conclusion we could make was 'f.u.c.k Webster and McBriar.' Then you wrote that 'Bells Around the Ankles' song and we knew we'd got it right."

Webster looks shocked and I consider stopping, but h.e.l.l-he asked for it. "Make sure you lay it on really thick," as Billy Flushing said.

"Those lyrics: 'There in your white uniform, cursing him and cursing her.' 'There in your white uniform, cursing him and cursing her.'"

"Okay, that'll do," he snaps.

"Sorry. I told you I was a fan."

At last, he takes his sungla.s.ses off. There are tears in his eyes.

"Remember when we were sitting in the cafe of that toy museum, and I told you I was a selfish b.a.s.t.a.r.d, or something?"

"Uh, yes. I think you said you were a stuck-up, inconsiderate w.a.n.ker."

"Oh, even better, thank you. Well, I wasn't exaggerating. I dunno ... it took me a while, but I now realise that it's hard, when you're that young, to be famous. It ain't natural. It all goes to your head. Even if you seem to be one of those people who handle it well ... you're not really. Something's going to give somewhere, sometime. If it's not drugs, it's booze, and if it's not booze, it's ... well."

"Well ... what?"

He exhales and looks at his watch.

"I suppose I'd better tell you the whole thing. Hadn't I."

SUGGESTED LISTENING: deus, Worst Case Scenario Worst Case Scenario (Island, 1994) (Island, 1994) I can't reach you anymore You know how it is sometimes.

When you're headlining a festival. Not Reading or Glas...o...b..ry, like any normal band would; they'd been bagsed already by a couple of Beatles cover bands, some hairy old grungers from way back and (I mean, really) the singer from The Sugarcubes. So you're left with Aylesbury Doesn't trip off the tongue, does it? Aylesbury "We're headlining Aylesbury," you mention to people. "Oh, yeah?" you half expect them to reply. "Who's doing the other nights? Steeleye Span? Wishbone Ash? Landscape? Racey?"

But anyway. You wake to the sound of the phone ringing, climb across what you initially think is your guitar but actually turns out to be your girlfriend, and answer.

"Yeah?"

"Lance."

"What?"

"Fancy coming for some breakfast?"

It's Martin, your unpredictable guitarist.

"What time is it?"

"Eight."

"f.u.c.k's sake. What time are we being picked up?"

"Ten."

You ponder the breakfast option for a moment. It's a good Dutch hotel: strong coffee, cheese, cold meats, fruit salad, maybe a bit of smoked fish, scrambled egg, crispy bacon and those crazy little frankfurters. All of which you normally enjoy ... in bed.

"Nah, I'm gonna ring for it."

"No, but I need to talk to you."

"Can't it wait?"

"No."

You glumly climb into some jeans. Predictably unpredictable. But last time Martin wanted to "talk" it was nothing more than him suddenly deciding he wanted to swap guitar parts in the bridge of "The Cool and the Crooks"-so it comes as some surprise a few minutes later to find yourself being told, while he calmly spoons yoghurt and banana into his gob, that he wishes to leave the band.

"When?"

"Soon as this leg of the tour's over."

Although you've often rehea.r.s.ed receiving this particular bombsh.e.l.l from one of the others, and even considered dropping it yourself once or twice, hearing it for real is a totally different barrel of ale and your stomach is instantly bombarded by a blast of the most ferocious adrenaline.

"Who else have you told?"

"No one."

"Really no one, or Bob no one?"

"Really no one. And I'd appreciate if you'd keep it that way, for now."

"Uh ... yeah, sure," you reply breathlessly, gazing around the grand hotel dining hall. A few groups of businesspeople. Some weekending couples. A girl who's been giving you the eye and obviously knows who you are. You picture strolling up to her, sitting down and announcing, "Hi. Do you know, you've just been watching Thieving Magpies split up?" As chat-up lines go, it'd be quite a winner.

Because ultimately, that's what it will mean. Yes, Martin could be replaced for live work, but the prospect of producing new material without his calming influence over the frequently squabbling Dan and Craig is unattractive in the extreme.

"s.h.i.t," is all you can say, followed by a very long pause. Martin painstakingly clears up every last drop of yoghurt from his bowl, then wipes his mouth thoroughly on the starched white napkin. He's always loved his hotel breakfasts, has Martin. Especially in the early days. With no food in his fridge at home, arriving at a foreign hotel with breakfast included was almost better than getting paid.

"Aren't you going to ask me the obvious?" he enquires, raising you from memories of rosier times.

"I can't think of anything obvious."

"I'll give you a clue," he frowns, leaning in. "It's one word. It begins with W, ends in Y and has an H in the middle."

"All right, less of the f.u.c.king sarcasm, man. I'm in slight shock here."

"No, but it's just like like you to not even care." you to not even care."

"Hang on. Is this about me?"

"That's part of it. I can't reach you anymore, Lance. Neither can Dan and Craig."

"What's the other part?"

"I wanna move abroad. It's ... it's getting too much. In England. I need a break. I don't want to raise my kids in London."

You're doing your best to consider the now ex-guitarist's words, but you can't keep your eyes off the girl across the room. She's a peach. She's also poured a gla.s.s of champagne for herself, and appears to have placed an empty gla.s.s opposite her, suggestively. Nice breakfast. She winks ... or was that just your imagination.

"Lance? Are you even f.u.c.king listening to me?"

"Yes, yes. You're moving abroad."

"I can't take another cycle of this s.h.i.t. Alb.u.m, tour, alb.u.m, tour. It's driving me insane."

"You don't mind the cash, though."

"I knew you'd say that."

The girl has now been joined by her man. What a little tease.

"I haven't been happy in time," time," Martin continues. "Not that you've noticed." Martin continues. "Not that you've noticed."

"Well, I have been kinda busy ..."

"That's right, you have. In your bedroom."

"No, Martin. I've been writing the f.u.c.king songs that keep us afloat, in case it's pa.s.sed you by."

"As we all have."

"Yeah, but ..." G.o.d d.a.m.n it. You drum your fingers on the tablecloth, thrilled to be having this conversation again again. You should have taken Bob's advice years ago, insisted on a greater share of the song-writing credit; made the others realise how small their input actually is. But that would only mean more arguments.

"And I've been dealing with the Gloria thing," you venture.

"The Gloria thing," Martin leers, "is mainly your fault."

"f.u.c.k you, w.a.n.ker!" you shout, suddenly jumping up. "You can f.u.c.king go anytime you like; we'll cope."

You storm out of the dining room, everyone's gaze following you. Then, just for the h.e.l.l of it, you walk back to the girl's table and smile at her boyfriend.

"Oh, sorry to disturb. Before you arrived just now? Your woman was fully fully flirting with me." flirting with me."

You stride out, chuckling at the protestations and threats that ensue.

Back in your room, Katie has risen. She's doing her makeup, a time she always looks her best, her long, dark hair cascading over her tanned shoulders.

"You okay?" she asks, and you consider telling her the news. Instead, you open the minibar, knock back two Jack Daniel's miniatures in a row and artlessly f.u.c.k her on the hotel-room floor.

It doesn't matter how much money you're being paid; travelling with the band is always a dreadful experience. It was fun when you were eighteen, but now that your late twenties are kicking in you'd prefer a method of getting about better suited to a man of your standing. Like: private plane. Or helicopter. Or even a nice, big, private car-anything that doesn't entail smelling Dan Winston's farts or pretending to laugh at the road crew's interminable "humour." It's enough to drive you to drink-which, funnily enough, it has. Anyone wanting reasons for why any any rock star flew off the rails need only spend a couple of days on the road with a band. Of course, it would be a lot better if BFM were providing adequate tour support-but that's a conversation for another day. rock star flew off the rails need only spend a couple of days on the road with a band. Of course, it would be a lot better if BFM were providing adequate tour support-but that's a conversation for another day.

You're met at Heathrow by Petra, Bob's relatively new a.s.sistant, who ushers you into the minibus. There's the usual frisson between her and Katie, but that settles down once Petra produces some lunch for everyone, and for once she's remembered Katie's veggie stuff. Petra's very excited, as it's her first big festival headliner, bless her. You remember the morning back in May when Bob phoned to confirm you'd got the gig: Petra had just come out of the shower, all white towel and wet blonde bob, and she squealed so delightedly that you decided it was only fair to make her squeal again. Ah well, happy days.

Dan and Craig munch away; it's been a cordial morning with them, as usual, but who knows what they're really thinking after Martin's earlier suggestions of growing dissent. Martin himself has been maddeningly over overnice; by the time the bus reaches the A41 turnoff you feel like punching him. You instead decide to ask Petra if the sun is over the yardarm.

"Of course it is, Lance, honey," she beams, producing a bottle of bubbly and some gla.s.ses from a cooler. "You want to be mother?"

"Nah, Martin can be mother," you smile, handing him the bottle. "What do you say, Mart?"

He pops the cork and pours it out. You hold up your gla.s.s, look Martin straight in the eye and announce: "To the Magpies, summer ninety-five. And to the future."

"The future," everyone chants. Martin dawdles a second, wiping some mayonnaise off his trousers. When he takes his swig of bubbly, the minibus swerves slightly and he spills it all over his T-shirt. Ha. Screw him.

You've never been to Aylesbury before, but all British festivals look the same from behind. Same a.s.sortment of trucks, vans, tents, people with radios trying to look important, other people on mobile phones trying to look even more important, portable huts for a mult.i.tude of uses, security guards, bars, cordoned-off areas, even-more-cordoned-off areas, TV cameras, TV presenters running around with bowling-ball-sized microphones-and the laminates. The amount of different laminate pa.s.ses always bewilders you. All you ever care about is that the one you you have can get you in anywhere. So long as you've got that one, you don't give a f.u.c.k. If you approach an area-any area-and get stopped by a guard, then you've been given the wrong pa.s.s. Simple as that. have can get you in anywhere. So long as you've got that one, you don't give a f.u.c.k. If you approach an area-any area-and get stopped by a guard, then you've been given the wrong pa.s.s. Simple as that.

Petra doesn't seem to have the pa.s.ses today. That's another thing that occasionally concerns you, but you try not to let it. Sometimes the pa.s.ses come from a promoter, sometimes the festival organiser, sometimes from BFM (these are most frequently the wrong ones), sometimes your press agency, sometimes Bob. Sometimes from none of these people. Today is one of those days. The van parks up, the usual flurry of people start hovering nearby, and you wait.

"Best not get out yet," advises Petra. "We haven't got the pa.s.ses."

"And why is that?" asks Katie. Petra ignores her.

After a few minutes a man called Jonas, "from the local crew," appears at the window and hands over some purple pa.s.ses. They are all warm from the laminator. You are the headline band.