The Age Of Desire: A Novel Part 11

"Did that era ever exist?" Edith asks.

Morton turns to her. "If not, I hope it's about to."

She smiles. He takes her elbow and goes on.

"I've never understood why there should be a difference between our expectations of men and women. Especially a woman like you."

"Thank you," she whispers. She loves the pressure of his fingers, his optimistic tone.

"I didn't say it to flatter you."

"No, after your trip to The Mount, I imagine you won't misuse that word again."

He looks at her askance, then breaks into a laugh.

"Promise you will never flatter me," she says. Her voice is coy and joking, but she's not.

"I do solemnly swear I shall never flatter you, Edith. Ever. Besides, you're far too clever to be flattered."

"Morton . . . I'm hesitant to ask, but are you flattering me?" Their combined hilarity echoes back on the wind. How harmonious it feels to be with him! In some ways, she has never met a man who displays less pretense, less guardedness. In other ways, she instinctively knows that he hides a great deal. Is it this dichotomy that makes her so dizzy?

When they come around the other side of the house, battered by the most monumental gust yet, he pulls her close to shield her and she senses he's about to put his lips to hers. The whole world becomes drugged and dreamlike as his beautiful, masculine face draws close. Yet suddenly, confoundedly, what she feels isn't the fluttering of her heart, or the warm flow of pa.s.sion. Instead, she is watching herself in third person, thinking, "Who is that dreary woman? She is destined to disappoint him. Where the well of that woman's pa.s.sion should be shivers an inch of gelid water skimmed over by a pane of ice . . ."

As if he is reading her mind merely by searching her face, he lets her go suddenly, the kiss not taken, and says, "We ought to be getting back, oughtn't we?"

Two nights later, after a meal that makes Edith glad she hired the new cook-filet of sole braised in b.u.t.ter, squab perfumed with juniper berries, haricots verts in a bath of tomato and thyme-Morton sits in the dark red fauteuil near the parlor lamp at 58, rue de Varenne, reading out loud to her from Le Revue de Paris. Tete a tete in the heated embrace of the Rue de Varennne, she feels utterly happy-has she ever been so happy? It's after dinner, and, with Teddy out of town, Morton's removed his jacket and looks rumpled and husbandly in his shirtsleeves in the pool of lamplight.

Edith feels effervescent. This is what it would be like to be married to a man she truly loves: the hiss of a fire, the crisp sound of his voice enlightening her about an article she's already read but didn't quite grasp, her needle dancing through linen stretched between the circles of her embroidery hoop. He questions the article, a mostly unfavorable revue of Meredith's poetry. She selected it-for she didn't know quite what to make of it when she first read it. How is it that he is able to draw so much more from the words than she, discern weaknesses in its argument that eluded her? She is impressed with his acuity, his sensitivity, his sheer brainpower. Has she ever known a man so undeniably bright? She is giddy with happiness.

How can she not indulge herself with the dream of what life would be like if nights such as this were habit. Habit! Never has this dull tweed word ever meant anything so rich with possibility. Utterly different from her present existence, in which every surprise has been wrung from each day. If merely sharing a weekday meal, reading together, being domestic side by side could bring such joy, how infinite the possibilities! She'd wish to live to a hundred. She would age like fine wine. His wisdom would seep into her work, into every single breath she took!

He closes the magazine and sets it in his lap, then picks up a tiny, phenomenally valuable crystal clock on the side table and observes it silently for a few moments.

"George Vanderbilt has an eye," he says. He glances around with satisfaction.

"Yes. It's extraordinary here."

"Is this where you sit every night after dinner?"

She nods.

"Good. Now I can imagine you here when I am not."

He feels what I feel! Edith thinks. He wishes our nights were intertwined! And she sees it: a glimmering gla.s.s of crystalline bliss balancing between them. She will never forget this moment, this night!

And so she ventures further. Oh, to have him confirm it, so she can lie in bed later and savor his affirmation!

"Having you here is so gratifying. I wish it were so every night," she says. She hears the girlishness in her voice. But a worried look crosses his brow. He presses his lips together and catches her with a sideways glance. "I'm just wondering what you want from me, Edith," he says softly.

"Pardon?" Maybe she's misheard him.

"What I'm wondering is, do you wish us just to be intellectual companions?"

"Well, it is nice that we are, isn't it? Not so easy to find someone so utterly compatible."

"And not so hard."

Edith's mouth goes dry. "I don't think I understand. . . ."

Is there someone else? Is this what he's telling her? She's been brave, and now will he send her back to her dark hiding place? Why?

"Maybe you overestimate my ability to interpret you," she says. She hears the imperiousness in her voice.

"Do you have feelings for me?" he asks.

"I . . . I . . . do. . . ." Should she have said no? Will he now say he doesn't have feelings for her?

"Well, you must know how I feel about you."

Oh, why doesn't he say it? Why must he torture her?

"I'm not sure I know," she says.

He shakes his head. Not annoyed. Amused, it appears.

"I didn't take you for coy. It's very simple, really. I want you, Edith. Desperately. What I'm trying to pa.r.s.e out is whether you want me."

She has never heard words so bald, so unornamented. He is a Harvard man. Couldn't he have stated it more gently, more romantically? Even Teddy was more romantic. What does he want? To have her? She feels herself blanch.

"You see, I can't tell if you're toying with me or are serious," he says.

"Morton."

"Because you're married, be that as it may, and I am a single man. And you might be just flirting."

She feels indignation straighten her back, puff out her chest, send fire to her eyes.

"I don't flirt," she states coldly.

He laughs at her. "How little you know yourself," he says.

"I know myself quite well."

"So why do you put yourself out at every turn? And a moment later demur? You're a tease."

Edith gasps, hears her perfect goblet of happiness shatter, spilling every drop.

He has spoiled it. Spoiled everything. She feels sick with disappointment.

She stands. "Perhaps you should go, Mr. Fullerton."

"Now, dear." He stands too, and puts his hands on her shoulders. She doesn't want him to touch her, not feeling the way she's feeling. Men are so clumsy. So heavy-footed.

"Listen. Look at me." He tilts her chin upward. "I merely want what every man desires from a woman he cares deeply about. I find you impossibly alluring. Don't you see? Being intellectually sympathetic is only one part of the equation."

How can she tell him? How will she explain it? She is a freak of nature. Mismade . . .

"Some women are made for that sort of thing," she starts carefully. How can she tell him this? "It seems perhaps . . . I am not." Her voice is very quiet. Pained. She feels utterly chastened.

"So it's true," he says. "What Henry says about you and Teddy? There's . . . nothing between you?"

Edith closes her eyes for a moment. She can't hedge now. She shakes her head. "It didn't feel right from the start. For either of us."

Morton shakes his head. "It's incomprehensible . . ."

"That nothing would happen?"

"That you would stay married. That you wouldn't seek out something that did feel right. You are human, after all."

"You mean . . ."

"One would imagine you'd seek out desire . . . for anyone."

"But women are different from men."

"Are they? It's not been my experience. It was Eve that proffered the apple, wasn't it?"

"What are you saying about me?"

"That you are curiously devoid of pa.s.sion."

Her indignation propels her toward him. "That's unfair and unkind. I have a great pa.s.sion for life."

"For life. Perhaps. But have you gone through life with no bodily desire whatsoever? I suppose the point of men choosing snow-white women is that they can be the ones to awaken desire in these women. But I've always believed a woman has the capacity for desire. Or she doesn't. I wonder if you do."

"Are you being purposely vicious?"

"I'm being honest. Straightforward. Which I believe is far more respectful than flirtation and innuendo. You're a grown woman. I can speak candidly, can't I?"

"But you're accusing me of being bloodless."

"It's been said of you."

"And do you speak of me with others? What right do you and Henry . . . Henry, of all people . . . ?"

He shakes his head. "What do you want from me, Edith?" He stands to face her. They are the same height. Eye to eye.

Edith finds herself completely speechless. Until she finally stammers, "I'd like . . . I'd like you to leave."

"Are you certain that's what you want from me?" he says. He looks so cool, so amused by her anger. Even in shirtsleeves, he is polished and self-possessed. Perhaps it is better to spend an evening with Teddy. He would never rile her so. "I'll ring Alfred for your coat." Her voice is quavering. Absurd.

Edith has a horrible sense that he might go home and laugh at her. She wouldn't mind any other reaction. But to be laughed at! To be derided!

"My dear," he says in a suddenly soothing voice, "you are a very proud woman. And you have good reason to be. You may be the brightest woman I've ever encountered. I am painfully drawn to you. But pa.s.sion and pride rarely occupy the same s.p.a.ce. And that makes me hesitate."

"You don't know anything about me."

"I'd like to," he says. He strokes the tender insides of her elbows for a moment, and looks into her eyes, flashing her a soft, thoughtful smile. "Am I wise to go against my better judgment? I wonder if you are courageous enough to find out what's hiding inside you."

When he releases her, she feels as though she is falling down a well. The door closes behind him and she is safe again. Safe. Is that really what she wants?

She writes in her diary, "You hurt me. You disillusioned me. And when you left, I was more deeply yours. . . ."

"Perhaps we can spend the day together Sat.u.r.day," she writes him. "I have always wanted to see Montfort-l'Amaury. Have you ever been?" She wonders whether, after their last conversation, he will be willing to spend a minute more with her. But he sends her an immediate pet.i.t bleu saying he would be very happy to have a chance to spend a whole day together. Nothing would suit me better.

Her immediate sense of elation alarms her. She checks herself. What if he expects that his desires will be instantly met? But an entire day together in the country with the only human being in the world who has the ability to make her happy! How can she not revel in the possibility of it! I will speak to him with a coeur ouvert, she tells herself. I will tell him how afraid I am. I will put myself in his hands. . . .

Possible scenes etch themselves on her mind. A tender walk in a field, holding hands. A country churchyard with a thousand clues among the gravestones. Morton picking wildflowers that he tucks in her hair. He touches her cheek. He runs his fingers along her collarbone. These scenes carry her forward toward Sat.u.r.day, fill every waking moment.

And then Friday night, she receives a wire: ON MY WAY HOME FROM CURTISES' EARLY. STOP. STILL VERY BAD. STOP. TRAIN TO ARRIVE SAt.u.r.dAY LATE MORNING. STOP. TEDDY.

SEVEN.

WINTER 1908.

Anna comes into the room to see Edith with her face in her hands. It's been years since she's seen Edith cry. Early in her marriage there was a great flood of tears. Many of them soaked Anna's breast.

"Nothing good will happen for me," Edith used to moan. "I am doomed." Anna knows not to openly soothe Edith when she's miserable. One must merely be present and silent. Edith is nothing if not dramatic. And when wrapped in her own misery, she doesn't wish to be jollied out of it. As a child, Edith's tears rose from frustration or anger. But now, somehow, Anna can read that these tears rise from sheer despair. What could be making her feel so?

"Edith?" she asks softly.

Edith raises her pale face. She looks as though she's been caught doing something unspeakable.

"Oh. Tonni," she says wearily. "You have my pages?" Her eyes are swollen. Her lips thin and pained. Anna hands her the typescript and steps closer.

"Do you wish to talk?" she whispers. How long since Edith really confided anything in Anna? Though once, she confided everything.

Edith shakes her head. And then, sheepishly, she lifts the yellow sheet from her desk which contains the wire.

Anna takes it and knits her brows. "Does it make you so sad just to have Mr. Wharton return?"