The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth Part 6

"'Needn't feel disagreeable about it. Smooth--a man of standing in his diggins, and Young America's independent delegate, has only come to take a bird's-eye view of the way things look about this seat of war.'

"'Who the devil is Mr. Smooth? I know he has no business here!' again grumbled the old man.

"'Don't know Solomon Smooth, eh?'

"'No, don't nor do I want to. You are always making difficulty wherever you go, probing your nose into everybody's business. You may be a keen fellow in commerce, but in diplomacy you are impertinent and quite beside yourself. You better be off from here, inasmuch as I am the biggest toad in this puddle, and mean to remain so. We are not inclined to know anything about Mr. Smooth; so the quicker he packs himself and his baggage up and is off from this, the better.' The earnestness with which he said this left me no reason to doubt his intention to remain the biggest toad of the pool.

"'Mr. Smooth, something of a man in Washington, holds a contrary opinion, and claims a right to know the ins and outs of what is going on outside of your dominions, as well as inside his own, and to insinuate himself into just what it may please him,' I replied in the measured manner of an experienced diplomatist.

"'Perhaps you have,' he interrupted, 'but if you were possessed of ordinary modesty, you would refrain from intermeddling when you saw what a blasted time I had to keep that great Bear, across there, from breaking his chain and devouring everything on this side.'

"'Feeling a fellow sympathy, I thought perhaps I might lend you a hand to do some of the whipping,--knowing how the brute professes to be a christian of the latest pattern.' Nicholas had a strong appet.i.te for the Turkey, which, though sick, he would have no objection to breakfast upon, as I have before stated; and, that his christian cubs might share the feast, he had begun to teach them the straightforward principles of holy orthodoxy; which said holy orthodoxy incited a craving for blood we have not yet learned to appreciate.

"The said sick Turkey had not given the best satisfaction to the world in his mode of reducing to poverty his flock; and, too, he was always ready to bandy words and ostentation,--having a large supply of the latter always on hand. He had, moreover, evinced a certain degree of heroism; nor was he ever backward in professing his readiness to fight somebody--if it were the unruly Bear, so much the better. The heroism thus manifested on the part of the decaying Turk would have deserved more praise had it not had its origin in the a.s.surance that Uncle John would lend a hand to do the fighting. Mark ye! John had copiously poured forth his treasure and blood in order that this vagabond Turkey might still live, and be saved from the Bear's all-digesting stomach, and for which he would deny John the freedom of his city; he would condescend only to honor him with the t.i.tle of dog.

"In one sense a more generous fellow than John was not to be found on the outside of our small world. He had been the pack-horse of Europe, and all sorts of kings had used him for all sorts of purposes. Never was friend used better. He was proud, and yet how submissive. Ready to shed his blood and squander his treasure for he knew not what, he was equally willing to submit his well-burdened back to the kicks and cuffs of those he had saved from ignominy. Now, the very type of endurance was he who sat poised in the puddle. 'As for the Bear,' says John, 'he won't guarantee to be satisfied with his ordinary rations; and if he were to plant himself in the centre of this puddle I would very obediently have to plant myself out.' Here John folded his arms, and, with a dignified air, ordered his beer.

"That John should keep his eye sharp to windward was natural enough; but had this very same eye been kept to windward many years ago, much blood and treasure had been saved in the present. It is playing false to his national character thus long for which John now pays so dearly. But that phantom of terror excited by the Bear's growth, Mr. Smooth seriously thinks unworthy of being entertained by the honorable John.

"'You need not be alarmed, Mr. Smooth,' continued John, modifying somewhat his natural crisp: 'I am painfully sensible of our diplomatists having played the donkey; but why should you, being far removed from the scene of strife, nor having immediate interest in the game, desire to burn a finger in it? Be a man of sense--watch kings and kingcraft--go your way home in peace, and let peace be your glorious triumph over war!' From John such advice was valuable.

Acknowledging the joys and comforts of peace, we shook hands,--I wished John well with his fighting, and we parted. I could not however, resist the conviction that John knew not for what he fought so bravely, and might have maintained his position as the greatest c.o.c.k of the dunghill without sorrow to the homes of his people, and desolation into the land of his long tried and most dependable friend.

Who can foretell the ways of a Napoleon. Oh! ambition, ambition!

CHAPTER XIV.

DONE BROWN IN DOWNING-STREET.

"Few would have supposed that when Minister Smooth left General Pierce and his waggish cabinet he would so soon have taken a turn round the world, and fetched up in that world of misery and wealth called London. But the world has got very fast, and only a fast man can keep up with it. Indeed, it were well we set about doing things fast, instead of so thinking them over in the mind that they seem immovable as mountains. Well, there was in London just about this time much waste of that sort of small talk newspapers now and then deal largely in, (editors are always kind enough to consider themselves great warriors), concerning our very s.p.u.n.ky Captain Ingraham, who, they said, had Kosta safe under his guns, and would blow Austria to n.o.body knew where. The whole, however, only amounted to the simplest evidence of what there was in sympathy and the Saxon heart. To our Christian friends would we say--none of these things moved Smooth from his equilibrium. After all, come to the true philosophy of the thing, and it only amounted to a broil among small bullies. And, too, did the little skipper not take care of himself he was no Yankee, and the whole United States would know it to his discredit.

"General Pierce, too, being a fighting President, (not a doubt could exist since the bombardment of Greytown), would take good care of the whole thing (perhaps send to Congress a message blazing with the language of war). Could it turn a point to his own advantage, he would--right or wrong--send a fleet to whip Austria, to make her something.

"But let us turn to a subject more fruitful. London seemed like a great waste of dingy dwellings and badly constructed palaces, the whole sleeping under a canopy of sickly smoke. Everything wore a sombre, heavy air--even the men seemed born to methodize on some one object. Show-shops, beer-shops, and gin-palaces, made the very air reek with their stifling fumes. Above all, there were great palaces for very faint-hearted people, who thought well of themselves, and in their prayers thanked Uncle John, at whose great cost they lived in sumptuous idleness. As this last specimen of human nature, when dressed in full shine, would completely outshine the most vain p.a.w.nee chief that ever ran wild in Arkansas, Mr. Smooth was anxious for a peep at the curiosity. In truth, to Mr. Smooth's unpolished eye London looked as if it might have emanated from a place called hook or crook, and stretched along the banks of a nauseous stream spreading its death stenches in the air, where, diffusing itself in the most perfect of fogs, it lent cheerful aid to the trade of physicians.

Everybody affected great knowledge of system; and yet things were so complex of past errors and ages that no system existed equal to the requirements of the present day. The munic.i.p.ality was great only on dinners and donkeyism. It had indeed a dining senate, but that august body never was known to discuss the practical reform of anything but turtle-soup, and that with an horrid carving of the English language.

"The beggar, (we name the worst nuisances first), the begrimed sweep, the butcher, the hawker, the ignorant costermonger, the 'cute cabby, the wily tradesman, who seeks favors and pockets frowns from his distinguished clowns--the Lord, whose rank is known by his tinsel, and the Duke, so deeply identified with flunkeyism,--all move along, helter-skelter, helter-skelter. And then there came the small men of smaller t.i.tles, and the commoner whose grumbling was only equalled by his apeings. To dine with my Lord Flippington was to him something great; nor could his airs and ostentation be well improved. The little man of little t.i.tles, too, stood profound in his dignity: no man was larger, nor thought he that his own little self wasn't great. To the tailor who made him he paid money down. Of all men was he the largest dabbler in that divine essence of things called men--the philosophy of blood. But to keep up the dignity it not only required a great deal of experience, but a large amount of tin in the pocket, which for the minus thereof was it necessary to have a deal of bra.s.s in the face. This principle, then, which is strictly in accordance with natural philosophy, being very well developed in this worthily aged country, makes the truly great very great of modesty; while the man of pewter greatness--that is, great because Our Sovereign Lady said he might take upon himself the name of Sir Simpleton Somebody! always boiling over with the froth of his own follies. With tin in his pocket, bra.s.s in his face, and never a forlorn _h_ in his vocabulary, is he the fellow to do brown the 'rag and tinsel.'

"Well, Mr. Smooth felt conscious of his own importance, and that same was something among the good British. With philosophy profound in his long face, Mr. Smooth made his compliments to the new and very sedate minister, who some facetious wags called the very un.o.bsequious Jimmy Buckanan, of Pensylvane. This worthy and very firm-fisted statesman, who was too much of the old school ever to be President of our United States, advised the doing of a great many things, the diplomacy of which Mr. Smooth seriously doubted. Especially did Smooth question his reasoning on the breeches question, the quaint originality of which was Marcy's own. This the venerable statesman informed me in a sly sort of way, as he invited me to go into the back place and take a little gin and bitters in a quiet way, for he was inveterately averse to every body watching his movements. To live in a country so ancient of incongruities, and where not alone the weak-minded bedeck themselves in fancy coats and flashy ta.s.sels, and indescribable coverings of high colors, requires some resolution in the man who mixes with it, and is pleased to make known his taste for plain black. And here Mr. Smooth and the worthy and very promising statesman held a very learned controversy over the fact of Marcy having gone into the tailoring business so largely as to define the shape of coat it was consistent to wear at court tea-parties. Smooth wanted to put on a little bright, just to look a man of consequence, and in order not to be behind several of his brother democrats, whose names he views it imprudent here to insert, and seeing how he was invited to join a dough-nut party in Downing street, while he was certain of a card to one of Citizen Peabody's most select dinners, for Peabody was an intimate friend and old acquaintance; but our honest and very American plenipotentiary said it would not do, for the obvious reason that a man's importance should depend on what was in his brains. His very democratic secretary having come to his sense of the force of this argument, had made a solemn promise to put on red cloth and feathers but four times a year, one of which he stipulated should be at the opening of the Crystal Palace, that being an occasion when all the fine ladies were expected to be present for the purpose of witnessing the superiority of genius over court fooleries, as well as being singularly fascinated with the young secretary's handsome person. The argument here was so strong that Smooth at once knocked under; and, too, simplicity in great men being greatness itself, he sincerely enjoined all his countrymen to let sense and not semblance honor their country, guide their actions when abroad.

"Acting upon the principle so many of our countrymen unhappily develop, (thinking n.o.body could hear of it on the other side of the water,) Mr. Smooth chartered a donkey-cart, put his donkeys in shining liveries, and was determined to outdo the Choctaws in making London astonished. The most expensive tailor in Regent street did up the external, as he had before so many of my very simple-minded countrymen. Such a suit of toggery as it was! Alongside of me General Scott would have looked shy, I reckon. And then, when the big c.o.c.ked hat was spread! I tell you, Uncle Sam, there as no touching Smooth--he was half-duke, half-beadle, and the rest Pierce diplomatist. 'If a dash ain't cut among the n.o.bs!' thought I. The donkey turn out was a curiosity, Smooth himself was a curiosity; and with two curiosities an excitement was certain. My first dash was into Hyde Park, near the entrance of which stood the brazen statue of a gladiator, raised by fair hands, in commemoration of the Iron Duke, whose indelible deeds they would emblazon on hardest bra.s.s. In this park, at fashionable hours, sauntered the nice young men of the West End; that is, the biggest sn.o.bs of the fashionable world; but Smooth took the shine out of the whole lot, as did nearly all the rest of Mr. Pierce's little folks. Had he, however, turned out in the flummery of some of his contemporary sn.o.bs, and driven thus equipped into Cape Cod, a town-meeting, to take into consideration the sending him to a place where straight-jackets are worn, had been the result. But in London a man may make almost any kind of a fool of himself, without applying for a license. Indeed, the man most earnest in making an a.s.s of himself may do it, with the satisfaction of knowing that he has a very large number of very respectable families for patrons. In Hyde Park the greatest a.s.ses (a name and the needful may be necessary) have the most followers. Longest ears are not the surest indices. After all, my reader must excuse me for not visiting the purlieus of Downing street just yet, having a few of Mr. Pierce's little folks to pack up and send home to Fourney, with instructions that he give them a few more turns on his grindstone.

CHAPTER XV.

HIS LITTLE LORDSHIP'S SHOW, AND A PEEP INTO DOWNING-STREET.

"Uncle Sam!--if, beside yourself, there exists outside of Cape Cod another individual who would like to see Mr. Thomas Foolery move in state most perfect, just send him over here: he must be present on that day when the little Lord Mayor makes a great man of himself. A great man is the Lord Mayor on that day on which he sacrifices all his good sense to an ancient and much-beloved show, in which he permits himself to be made the fool of the farce. No Choctaw war-train was ever half so extravagant of colored cloth and feathers. A great day for London loafers is it, when my Lord Mayor puts on the big chain, and issues his mandate to the sprats, who then come up the river, to the great joy of the poor, who have it thus in tradition. Well, Smooth thought he would keep Lord Mayor's day, and to that end harnessed up his team of donkeys, merely by way of contrasting it with some duke's turn-out. Imagine, Sam, my chagrin, when one of the donkeys took it into his head to keep Lord Mayor's day in his own obstinate way. Not a step would he go. However, I got another donkey, and proceeded to where the Lord Mayor was, just in time to hear him make a funny speech, throughout which he made a sad slaughter of all the h's and a's of the King's good English. Then he seated himself in the barge, and had a sail on the Thames, followed by innumerable beggars, sycophants, and costermongers. Succeeding this he marshalled his show-folks into a string (such a string!), and with them caused his august self to be moved to the Mansion House. Swarms of frightened turtles were seen hurrying away in front of the cavalcade.

"Such a set of white-washed heads--heads with all outside--heads with little inside--and heads n.o.body knew what they had been made for, never before were seen displayed in one string. Strangely attractive was the glare of tinsel--it fascinated the little souls of corpulent men, and made small men more becomingly great. Fact was, Uncle Sam, His Worship the Lord Mayor, whose year of greatness was death to turtle and terrapin, so outshone Her Most Gracious Majesty (a good little body) in confusion of brilliant bra.s.s, that the little woman thought it inc.u.mbent to call a Cabinet Council, before which she laid the grievance of his stealing her thunder. At this privy council Prince Albert was permitted to be present without anything being said by the Daily News and Morning Advertiser. His Worship had indeed usurped all the modern appliances of flunkeydom. But the cabinet, it was acknowledged, was very thick-headed, and her Majesty, good body, must bear the consequences.

"Well, after the most curious caravan eyes ever rested upon, there followed his jolly worship the Lord Mayor; he largely sat in a coach of gingerbread, the tea-things spread outside, and the glows of Souchong impregnating the air. They said his jolly Lordship sold real and mixed Tw.a.n.key. In this sense, however, was his Lordship more fortunate than his predecessor, who, having ascended from the soap business, and himself used a large amount of that article for the purpose of washing down the wares of Threadneedle street, found his greatest difficulty that of getting rid of the foetid scent. And then, my Lord's h's were the things most violently handled; for otherwise he wasn't a bad fellow, and when he rode in his coach of the olden time, which might, by the green in mythology, have been taken for the lost chariot of Elijah, it was a serious question whether himself or the things that held on behind were greatest. Then these latter gents of flunkeydom in frills had big sticks in their hands, with which they kept the flies from my Lord's good-natured countenance. Happy fellows were they, and, like well-stuffed mules, only wanted the long soft ears to make them marketable. Everybody said it was a big day in London. To have suggested that his Worship might be making an a.s.s of himself in this common-sense nineteenth century would have been to render yourself a victim of hasty contempt. Smooth was just taking a contemplative view of these things,--asking himself how many poor wretches would lose a day's work over the nonsense; how many would get drunk on the hallucination of the show; how many poor mechanics would make a blue week to his Lordship's honor; and how many would find themselves in the House of Correction to his disgrace--how many employers would be annoyed,--how many customers would be disappointed--and how many wives would get broken heads; when suddenly a crowd of filthy, dejected, and ruthless beings swept along in ma.s.s, heedless of whatever came in their way, and threatening life and limb in the onset. Then there came such a smashing of maids' bonnets, squeezing of milliners, and frightening of old maids, as never was seen before; indeed, this, added to the many well-jammed ribs and jostled beavers, seemed the most expensive part of my Lord's show.

Summing the whole thing up in a logical sort of way, Smooth made it amount to this:--that the Lord Mayor, just mounting into greatness, could by no means make that greatness impressive by any knowledge of philosophy he possessed; so, to be sure that his importance had its force upon all vulgar minds, he suffered himself made to play the part of a monkey in a cake-shop. To this his Worship added the greater gratification of having given amus.e.m.e.nt to nine-tenths of the city costermongers, made idle seven-tenths of the working people, kept busy two thousand gin-shops, filled eleven hundred chop-houses, given hard work to five hundred policemen, who never like to be worked hard, and made lackeydom tumultuous. And then Beadledom seemed crazed, and, joined with the many ale-bibbers, were turned out to do good service in the show. But, to make my Lord's train complete, there was no knowing how many men he had to ride on horseback, how many more so inebriated they couldn't ride, how many of a character n.o.body would desire to know out of his show, and how many _ballet_ girls who ride in circuses and so forth,--all of which latter material had faces made deep of moonshine modesty, to suit the solemn occasion. Then my Lord topped off the little end of his show with the soup and great Ministers of State. And, that nothing should be left undone, the _Times_ must have a _go in_ at it, which it did with one of Doctor Moseley's most spicy articles, putting the whole thing into a very comical nutsh.e.l.l. Quoth Sam, without the thunderer's dissecting knife a London Lord Mayor would be the most beautiful of n.o.bodys--that is, so far as sense goes. Smooth, on the nicest observation, was decidedly of the opinion that only one thing more was wanted to make the Lord Mayor's Show complete--a pair of long soft ears emblazoned on the Corporation coach. The reader will excuse Smooth for dwelling thus long on little things.

"Having peeped long enough at the Lord Mayor's Show, I felt like looking at something more solid; so to that end I turned about the donkey-cart, whistled to the flunkeys (kept things of this kind merely to be like other Americans when abroad), and drove into Regent street, where I would inform General Pierce and all my firm friends a desperate excitement was made. Then, in glowing independence, I rolled away down Pall Mall, where the club-people--especially those of that inst.i.tution of arrogance called the Reform--seemed much astonished.

From thence I proceeded past Trafalgar square, where stood in singular contrast the monument of the n.o.ble Nelson, and an equestrian statue of that ign.o.ble creature, Charles the First, the loss of whose head saved England from disgrace. How strange, that even in this day of intelligence and liberty-loving, it should stand a shrine before which very respectable old gentlemen poured out their stale patriotism! At last I found myself in Downing street--at the door of a ma.s.sive and sombre-looking mansion (No. 12) in front of which stood methodical-looking men with grave countenances. And, too, there sauntered moodily venerable-looking gentlemen, now and then casting wistful glances at the time-begrimmed walls, as if they would see some one sealed-up in the antiquated recesses of the place. Mr. Smooth's turn-out only made a stir among them; they reckoned somebody had come!

In a free-and-easy sort of way I walked straight to the door, maintaining my independence the while, and feeling as important as a door-keeper in Congress. After pa.s.sing the ma.s.sive entrance I encountered innumerable obstacles in the form of flunkeys, and then pa.s.sed into a dingy room of immense size, which for all the world had the appearance of having some two or three hundred years ago served for a barracks. 'By appointment?' inquired a human thing dressed, as he emerged from behind a green screen situated at one corner. He bowed, and I bowed, until he was satisfied I was somebody, 'Who would you see?' he reiterates, adding another bow.

"'Well!' returned I, 'reckon how I'll think about that.' Then the fellow crossed three or four times my track, as much as to say--Stranger! you don't go in there. Presently a batch of well-to-do individuals came snickering out of a closet, and eyed me very suspiciously; at which I summoned all my bra.s.s, and stood fronting them like a staring machine. 'You must say who you want to see!'

interposes the man I first confronted.

"I here took leisurely out my card, and said 'I would like to see the Duke of Newcastle, who temporarily tied up in this establishment.' He viewed my card with a serious hesitation; at which I turned round, and told him I would not trouble him, but take it myself, had he had any special objection to going a-head. They, the people, said the Duke, did all he could with what he had to do with. If it were not possible to see the Duke, I would like a peep at my venerable aunt Aberdeen, who was about as well qualified to sway the destinies of discontented England as a virgin pumpkin; and together with my ever amiable Lord Clarendon, would set a world at war good-naturedly. These very high functionaries, Mr. Smooth was informed, could not at present be seen by common people, inasmuch as they were contemplating the problem:--'I don't know what to do!' Nicholas's appet.i.te for Turkey breakfasts had made work too profound for the brains of Downing Street. 'Don't seem a subject of this atmosphere,' said the stupid, significantly canting his head, and giving a queer look out of the corner of his right eye. 'You fellows don't seem to know me,' I interpolated, 'Citizen Smooth--they call me Solomon Smooth, Esq., that is my name.' A door now opened near where I was standing, and in I walked--right among the Dukes and dough-heads. It only wanted a bold push, in the right go-ahead sort of way, to make myself respected. Dukes were not only flesh and blood, but owed much of their importance to the ignorance of the people they aspired to frown upon. Dukes, Earls, and Lords, were, at this moment, playing at very un-English games for England. They affected to believe it right that the loyal people (I mean the simple and vulgar, who have hitherto proved mean the simple and vulgar) who have hitherto proved true to their n.o.ble traditions, should remain ignorant of the game played at their expense. This, Mr. Smooth thought too bad; however, his friend Urquhart was devising a scheme for remedying the evil, which, did he not himself fall into evil, might do great good to the nation in general. But Urquhart was so modest that he never accused Lord Palmerston of anything worse than bringing about the potato rot in Ireland. 'Hallo hallo!' a dozen voices echoed from the table around which the all-accomplished sat:--'A rustic intruder is upon us!' half muttered the man who followed me in. 'It's only Solomon Smooth, Esq., from the Cape,' returned I, with a good, wholesome laugh. Believe me, Uncle Sam, there sat round a table ten of the most solemn-looking fellows, with faces as dreary as a wet moon in November. Some of this unique body looked as if they had seen hard usage and lean pay. Others were grey with thinking, instead of moving. Be not surprised either when I say that the gravity of their countenance left no visible room for anything else. Hard at it were they, straining their antiquated imaginations over a secret game of thimble-rig, which seemed of momentous importance. Only five, however, could play at the game; and Sawny Dablerdeen, who always played on two small pipes, and paid sundry small pipers to do a deal of blowing, seemed in the greatest fuddle. And then there was my Lord John Littlejohn, as crusty a little snap as ever declaimed against tyrant in one breath, or turned a political summersault in another;--bricks to the back-bone was he, and all for old England, though he was not bigger than one of Betsy Perkin's well-grown cuc.u.mbers, and could be turned to as many uses. But what there is mentally in a man must not be judged by the measure of his body from head to foot. And, too, there was my very amiable Lord Clarendon, who attempted to out-clever my Lord John, inasmuch as John stated, in the fulness of his geographical knowledge, that the pa.s.sage between Havana and the extreme southern point of Florida was not more than four hundred miles, while my Lord Clarendon a.s.sured the House of Lords that South Carolina was an island. Enlightened House of Lords! But, after all, there was a harmony of sentiment between these two n.o.ble worthies that was truly grateful to the submissive hearts of the freedom-loving English; both could spin flattering speeches: both could play the long and short; both could wince when foreign bull-dogs sent out their threatening growls; and both were mighty of mouth when dealing with little chickens. It was not to be concealed, however that Dablerdeen, master of the board, was gifted with the unfortunate characteristic of talking himself into an interminable difficulty.

"'Who, or from whence on earth do you come?' inquired my Lord.

"'Smooth,' I replied, that is my name; I am a citizen of the Great Republic--come to study the way in which you are disorganizing foreign affairs.'

"'Yer a little in advance of the times--too fast, sir!' replied a large man most serious of face. Thinking it best to answer him by declaring my opinion to be that it was better to be with the age than behind it,--and which I believe const.i.tuted the only difference between a fast and slow man of the present day, I let slide at him upon the fallacy of his political philosophy, with knock-down arguments.

"The fellows cooled down at once, and John Littlejohn said, 'Come, Smooth! if you really are a clever citizen then you are precisely the fellow we want!' And then he conversed feelingly with me, said how much he liked our country and our countrymen; persuaded himself to believe them the real go-ahead chaps--though he, at times, thought it quite necessary to keep their go-ahead a little slow. I proposed their taking a smoke in a rough and ready sort of way, and pulling out my pouch, in a friendly sort of way, they all seemed struck aback with astonishment. One said, if we did things that way in Congress it was not the way they did them here. They all shook their heads--said they didn't smoke.

"'We will may it please you Mr. Smooth--Citizen of the United States--excuse these things for the present,' rejoined Dablerdeen, who looked as if he did not know which way to turn, or how to please his people. Seeing this I sat down and watched the very odd style in which they played the game. Dablerdeen did all the talking, and Littlejohn, whom the reader will see had returned home helped him make his m.u.f.f; and then there was a good deal of a.s.sisting one another to forget each move. But Sandy always moved slow, as if he had something under his thimble he was afraid of damaging. 'That's Turkey, that's Russia, that's France, and that's Austria--and this is ourselves!' he would say, making the moves up or down, but not knowing where to stop. 'It won't do to push that one, it won't!' he continued, pointing at the one he called Austria. 'If you did, nothing would you get from under it. It's a costly cup with a tender handle, somewhat dangerous to turn: only the cup of Spain is more costly; but that in this emergency is of no account whatever.' They had no United States cup to move, inasmuch as Jonathan had very respectfully declined to hazard a point in European games when he withheld his ascent to a tripart.i.te treaty for the purpose of keeping his delicate fingers off Cuba. Now these very antiquated gentlemen seemed to entertain some respect for the British Lion, some apprehension of Jonathan and Nicholas, and a great dislike for fighting, which they had been driven, or rather drifted, into much against their imagined obligations to peace; for, indeed, did they carry on the war tail foremost, finding everything they had done large of stupidity. By and by a loud call rang through the tabernacle, and in another minute the platter of dough-nuts was borne in by two cooks. One, they said was Mrs. Victoria, and the other was Mr. Napoleon, curious acquaintances, who lugged and tugged, and puffed and blowed; and the piping hot doughnuts nuts gave out their glows. Then the players all seemed to quicken up, as if they had sooner be eating than thinking.

"'Strange things will come to pa.s.s at times, and nothing stranger has come to pa.s.s than that John Bull and Johnny c.r.a.ppo have gone into the brotherly-love business, by which they hope to bring about one grand object,' I said. 'Neither had I any objection to Spain joining, provided she kept Cuba all right. But, Cuba being so near Uncle Sam's fingers, nothing more than the common course of events was needed to let it slide so naturally into his modest hands.' Smooth told the old gentlemen that the very best way to hasten Uncle Sam's getting Cuba was to point out a process by which he could keep his hand out of his pockets. 'We, Mr. Smooth, do not question your correctness on the point, so far at it refers to this Cuba business, and the tripart.i.te treaty which we would you had signed merely that your fingers were kept off the property; but you have misconstrued our amiable motives--we only wanted to form a trio, honorable in combination--that is, we would it were mutually understood that you do not annex Cuba, and we will not!' said my Lord Littlejohn, who spoke quite as s.p.u.n.ky, though with less a.s.surance on geography, than he did to the very amiable Mr. Everett. Smooth understood the P's and Q's of the thing, without examining further into the portfolio. It was Johnny Bull saying to Johnny c.r.a.ppo--'them Yankees 'll get Cuba!--in spite of all we can do.' Of course something must be said in return; so c.r.a.ppo puts in his say:--'Can't you suggest some way to stop it, Uncle John?' he inquires, with a quizzical shrug, adding--_mon dieu!_ 'But, by gar, we may do him somefin yet, by gar!'

"To make rogue one honest man is one clever thing; Mr. Jonathan mistake himself in tinking himself great, when he not so great. Now, dem Yankee one grand 'cute fellow; you no catch him wid de, bird chaff,' he is supposed to conclude. Smooth very amiably suggested that it were better to let Cuba be Cuba, until the time came when, if she felt like snugly brooding under Uncle Sam's wings, without any a.s.sistance would he attend to the little matter of offering her a roost. Uncle Sam was growing, but had grave ideas, with which he generally maintained his own dignity. They here reckoned Mr. Smooth had delivered his speech with becoming dignity. Of this fact I was fully sure, for my Lord Littlejohn put his finger into his mouth and began to suck it, as is common with him in these his days of tribulation. 'Let us quit the Ottomans and go into the eatables: the one is so dry nothing is to be made at it, while at the other everything is to be made, for there is something to eat,' rejoined John. They carried the suggestion by acclamation. Just then, whang!--bang!--whiz! somebody thundered at the door, when, alarmed, they all cried out--'whose there?' In answer to this the man with the long rod cried out at the very top of his voice--'Stop the game!' The old fellows began to stow away their gambling tools, look innocently and vacantly at one another, as if a crisis was upon them they could not understand. 'It's only us outsiders,' a voice replied, in most harmless accents.

"'There! I told you we'd make a mess of it,--that the outsiders would break in upon us' said Littlejohn, with a savage grimace, directing himself to Dablerdeen, who it was now thought better to call Grandmamma Fudge. The gentlemen outsiders were the honor-saving committee from Finsbury, the members of which declared themselves large stakeholders in the game at the Treasury. Grandmamma Fudge thought it best to tell them, merely in a bluff sort of way, that England's honor was safe in his keeping--that they must not be scared about it; not however, until they found him pedling pills and other quack medicines with the object of inducing Austria to be more explicit. 'But, my old closeters, in we must come! Fearing you have got the gout in the head, we are here to make an examination; things done in secret have a dark look about them; and we, being the honor-saving committee, have come to make a single suggestion, which is that my lord of foreign affair memory is found wanting in firmness, and gets very crooked when he is not kept straight, which is most unfortunate in a diplomatist who smokes bad cigars all the day long. This said, it must be remembered that old Finsbury feels sensitive of her rights and liberties; closely allied to which is the honor of Old England. And Christmas being near at hand, if the old Bear eat up all the Turkey, Finsbury cannot keep it; and we have been honied down in a good-natured sort of way long enough.' Poor old Grandmamma Fudge looked dumbfounded, like at times we see a disconsolate individual, who nipped in a hail-storm, mourns the loss of his umbrella. Like death, it was necessary to keep close, tell the honor-saving committee to maintain their usual spirits, and call again, when in respect to their ancient character, they would get a listening for their grievances. With this valuable solace, condescendingly bestowed by the ancient gentlemen aforesaid did the committee go away happy, promise to be very good, and keep Finsbury before the world.

"The gentlemen having been respectfully bowed out of Downing street, a loud call was made to commence again at the dough-nuts. 'I say, bring 'em on,' rejoined I; Smooth 'll help (I'd been seated a little back, watching the while) play at that or any other game, provided there be a rule of honor and economy to work out.'

"'Be a little more modest, Smooth--if you please!' spoke up my most intimate friend, Palm, who until then had seemed viewing the whole conclave with measured contempt. Indeed my friend Palm was a regular brick in his way, which fact was most happily ill.u.s.trated in the manner he now and then threw the hard tokens at the head of his parliamentary brother Bright. It was as unfortunate as notorious, however, that in his dealings with the United States, his conduct was as dishonorable as uncertain. 'Smooth, you are a large youth,' said he; 'but your reforming principles have too great a resemblance to innovations to go down without scratching, in this aged atmosphere of ours! Nor must you be so lavish of your manifest destiny policy; that, to me, is the medium by which you intend to come on this side of the big pond and stick your fingers into everybody's mess.'

"I interrupted him just then; and in reply to a question I put, he acknowledged his conviction to be that we did things well and simply; but he made one little reservation, and that was that we did not do so well when we permitted the little State of South Carolina to imprison Uncle John's n.i.g.g.e.r sailors. Then he said South Carolina was the _Empire State of n.i.g.g.e.r Slavery;_ and was not aware of his mistake, until such I happily removed by convincing him that she was the only Don Quixote of the Union; and as it was necessary for every nation to have such an inhabitant in its compact, merely for the purpose of keeping alive the humorous, so Carolina filled the void in America, where happily her little exploits were viewed as very harmless.

"Well, peace again being preserved, we drew up to have a feast of the hot dough-nuts, when a terrible thundering came at the great door. Then the figure standing guard, who resembled a flour-barrel in frills, announced the reporter of the _Times_; who said he must come in, for his folks, too, held a large stake in the game. And the individual did come in; and a right jolly-looking fellow he was, too; and in contrast with the fudgy old conclave, seemed bright, fresh, and ready to go ahead; and then he said the _Times_ and the country were two great inst.i.tutions. 'You!' he spoke, advancing independently to the table, and grinning the old fogies almost out of countenance, 'have got to render an account of this game to the country! your just unequiliberizing everything; and my humble opinion is that you have got the fear fever in your heads.' The old gentleman took it all in good part; in fact (the truth must be told at times) they seemed rather to fear and like the man of the _Times_, who seldom failed in getting by some mysterious process the secrets of Downing street.

However, as disturbances seldom come separate, no sooner had the man of the _Times_ been smoothed nicely down with Downing street soft-soap, of which a never-failing supply was always at hand, than a most furious hue and cry again echoed through the old walls from another part of the house. Alarm and anxiety darted into the face of everyone present; all eyes stared in death-like gaze in the direction from whence it came. Smooth being in for a share of the alarm as well as the fun, looked along with the rest, when, lo! high on a seat in the corner, sat _Mr. Punch_, his comical face glowing through a sort of knot-hole and Toby perched on his right shoulder, growling and looking as if he wanted to bite every old fudge in the conclave.

_Punch_, to outsecret the players, was, in a very clever sort of way, taking private notes, the subject matter of which he intended giving to his readers in a very condensed and elegant volume. This started the players to their feet, when each seized a book, and, letting fly at _Punch's_ head, drove him scampering out of Downing street.

"Having got rid of _Mr. Punch_, and bowed the man of the _Times_ politely out, Grandmama Fudge, in a strong Scotch brogue, said, 'Nu, luds, let us gang awa to the crumpets--bring 'um hither, mya bullies!'

He drew a sort of simple contortion over his broad, hard face, and mouthed his lips, as if he would the amplest dough-nut be put on his plate. Palm, just as they were resuming their seats, insinuated that as the venerable old man was well gone in his dotage, he had better measure his diet somewhat after the judicious character of his diplomacy, which was celebrated for its small doses crookedly doled out. The dish was again removed, mouths began to water, eager eyes glanced upon the steaming viands, giving out their strong glows and unsavory smells. This incited dither strong, on calling the two cooks its, after many and tedious interrogatories, confessed, in fear and trembling, that Grandmama Fudge had strictly ordered them fried in grease of the Russian Bear, an animal for which he entertained a curious sympathy. And here it was observed, with no very commendable emphasis, that the precious old dote had a particular partiality for Bruin's dominions, nor could be driven from the strange hallucination.

Another minute and the poor old man was in the most alarming state of mind that could be imagined; the largest dough-nut on the platter had stuck half-way down his throat. To relieve himself of his unsuccessful attempt at swallowing things beyond his capacity, he called l.u.s.tily for Palm, who, unfortunately, had left in disgust, the stench of Bear's grease being too strong for his capricious organs. 'He! he! he! ah mun, I doe believe to heaven it's all up--I doe!' gurgled the old man, struggling in spasmodic efforts to get the thing up or down. 'If I die,' he continued, 'with this lump of indecision in my throat, the consequences will be that no man will mourn over me.' Littlejohn, always ready to move as occasion required, sprung to his aid, crying 'Swallow it! swallow it! for the honor of Young England swallow it! If it comes up you're a dead premier: dead without a doctor.' The whole thing now became a complex confusion; no one knew how to unconfuse it. It was a sad mistake having its origin only in the want of the age's appliances to our day and its circ.u.mstances; he had attempted a nut he had not capacity to swallow. A dozen voices cried out 'Bring in the doctor.' and as many more said the case was a desperate one. Some run one way; some run another; 'and some never moved. Downing street was in tribulation.

Then everybody ran in everybody's way; n.o.body knew what to do; nor could anybody find Mr. Chesterfield, the loud shouts for whom seemed to make him a character of some importance. Mr. Smooth kept very cool the while, thinking it best to maintain his philosophy up to a scientific point; and in that way he reckoned it was as well to send for Doctor _Punch_, who, in such cases was an adept of a pract.i.tioner, and had an extensive infirmary in Fleet street, where patients innumerable were healed for three-pence. Well, just as they were on the point of making a rush, a voice cried out--'Here I am! here I am!'