The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth Part 12

"'I say, while you are about it, Admiral,' rejoined the Yankee, with a sort of half flirtish, half earnest air--while you are about to come broad on, just bring all the good folks with you--and don't forget the ladies; bring them, too. There's nothing like plenty of fair faces when a strong battle is to be fought!' This was a right good say on the part of Commodore Shubrick (such was the Yankee skipper's name), who smiled all over his wrinkled face. It was quite enough. The gallant Britisher's face, too, brightened up with good-nature, the boatswain sounded his whistle, the savage guns disappeared in their ports; the yards were manned with jolly tars, and away streaked the admiral in his barge, skimming the sullen water, towards the Yankee, under a heavy cannonade of grape. The ladies, loving and affectionate souls! couldn't stand it another minute, and, with a Joan of Arc heroism, volunteered to follow the gallant admiral, for the purpose of seeing that their sweethearts and husbands were not seriously wounded by the Commander's grape and other missiles most dangerous. Again loud reports were heard--pop! pop! pop!--ziz! ziz! ziz! went the shots of ordinary mixture: then whole broadsides began to be poured into the belligerents in grand style. After a few hours' cannonading, all was again bustle and confusion; wounded men were seen tumbling over the sides of the ship, fair ladies became unfairly terrified, and then, disgusted with the cowardice of their husbands and sweethearts, might be seen nearly fainting in the arms of gallant officers. After the whole affair was over, a great many wounded husbands, whose cases were extremely doubtful, were conveyed to their homes; others dreaded the application of Caudle lecture medicine from wives who had long preceded them to their domestic hearths. A facetious contemporary has described this great affair in the following graphic manner:

"On attempting to mount the stairs hung at the side, Commodore Shubrick, standing on the quarter-deck, let drive a fish-ball, which he held in his hand, and struck the Admiral a little below the left eye. The Admiral, nothing daunted, ran up the steps, his officers following close behind, and seized the Commodore by the hand, and gave him such a shaking as made him tremble again. General Gore, on reaching the 'p.o.o.p,' was grossly insulted by the first lieutenant of the Princeton, who, in the most cool and deliberate manner, told him, if he would come below, he would give him 'something to eat.'

"The General, in reply, said he would like to catch him at it. And to show his courage he went below, when one of the middies at the foot of the companion-way took aim at the General with a champagne bottle, and let drive the contents into the General's gla.s.s. The Mayor of Halifax, and members of the Corporation, got into a skirmish with the marines. It seems that Alderman Nugent asked the boatswain, in a sneering sort of way, if they had any turtle on board. The answer was, 'No--but we've got turtle soup, if that will do for you.' The Mayor stepped up, and said he would rather have turtle soup than _fish_ any day. The boatswain answered that he was tired of hearing so much said about fish. For his own part, he didn't see anything in fish to fight about. If it was mutton, he was on hand for anybody. One word led on to another--by this time the steamer was crowded from stem to stern--until at length there was a general row; every man became a body corporate, and pitched into himself with right good will.

"The ladies got snappish on account of their husbands, and in turn pitched into the officers of the Princeton with their--eyes. The sailors were piped to quarters. Pistols were freely used. The 'big guns' were charged and fired, doing much damage to the feelings of the company, in the way of compliments. In short, it was the greatest battle ever fought in Halifax harbor, real or _sham_. After quarrelling in this way, until eight o'clock in the evening, and destroying all the eatables that could be found on board the Princeton, the invaders retired, and left the Commodore and officers to their reflections. The retreat was effected in _gallant_ style--so say the ladies. It is said that the Commodore has sent a despatch to Washington, informing the authorities of the insult received. We earnestly entreat that our American contemporaries will fully discuss this serious matter, on account of the honor of the 'stars and stripes,' to say nothing of the 'fish story.'

"'Now, Mr. Pierce, in this manner was a very grave question--the fish question, in which many millions had been spent for the purpose of pleasing diplomacy--put through a course of settlement. When will the wisdom of the two most free and enlightened nations of the earth devise some plan of mutual compromise, by which the interests of their subjects may be settled without giving to pedantic diplomatists the means to for ever keep alive an international agitation, which can only give out food for the very smallest of demagogues? We cannot and must not quarrel with Uncle John; no, our birthright, our freedom-loving spirit, our indomitable energy, our kindred inst.i.tutions, and the interests of our commerce, should make stronger the bonds of peace. We must, in defiance of that pitiable ambition of political tools, who so interrupt the harmony that should exist between nations kindred in spirit and interests, continue our friendly relations. Let England lay aside her restrictions on commerce; let her apply to a better purpose those millions spent in useless attempts to enforce the observance of laws which only serve to cripple her energies; and let a policy mutually liberal serve to elevate that international forbearance which is the father of the greatest good,'

thought I. At this juncture, Mr. Pierce's black pig, always found where he was not wanted, was discovered in the after cabin, which he disputed with every one who attempted to enter, until at length it was voted that I should capture him, and convey him safely home to Mr. Pierce at Washington:--which, be it understood, was done, though not without a struggle."

THE END.