Tessa Leoni: Crash And Burn Part 23

Stay in the moment, I remind myself. No smell of smoke, no heat of fire.

No sound of her screams.

This is now. This is this moment. And tonight, I am merely the audience. The main event happened hours ago.

Thomas handing me the quilt while the officers waited for me downstairs. Telling me I had to take it.

A final gesture of love, because a boyfriend brings you flowers, but a husband of twenty-two years gives you what you need most. The depth of all of our years together. The way we have come to know each other, despite our lies.

Thomas gave me my quilt, pinned with one last item he knew I couldn't bear to lose: Vero's photo. The secret I stole from him, then stashed beneath my own mattress. I have felt its shape several times this evening, attached to one edge of the blanket.

A parting gift from a man with too many names to a woman with even more.

The smell of smoke.

Myself, still reaching for my husband's hand.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh, Thomas, I am so sorry.

As my house comes into full view. Already surrounded by fire trucks, flames shooting up everywhere.

"What the h.e.l.l," Wyatt begins, jerking to a stop behind the line of emergency vehicles. He twists around from the driver's seat, eyes me angrily. "Did you know about this?"

I shake my head, only a partial lie.

"I don't see Thomas's vehicle . . . Dammit! He did this, didn't he? Your husband torched your house to cover his tracks, before disappearing into the wind."

I nod, only a partial lie.

The smell of smoke. The heat of the flames.

The sound of her screams.

I close my eyes. And I think, while I'm still in this moment, that my husband was right. I should've let it go. I should've tried harder to be happy.

I should've told Vero once and for all to please, just leave me alone.

But of course, I did none of those things. Have been capable of none of those things. Now . . .

"What the h.e.l.l is he so afraid of?" Wyatt thumps the steering wheel.

So I finally tell him the truth. I say: "Me."

Chapter 21.

TESSA COULDN'T SLEEP. Her phone call with Wyatt had left her unsettled, let alone D.D.'s disturbing revelation yesterday at lunch. Now, instead of tucking in for some desperately needed rest, she was mostly lying in bed, feeling the weight of her own silence.

Tessa was highly compartmentalized by nature. She'd never told anyone, not even Wyatt, everything that had happened three years ago. At the time, she'd committed herself to doing whatever it would take to get her daughter back. One thousand ninety-five days later, she didn't regret those choices.

The discovery of Purcell's gun, on the other hand. A possible incriminating fingerprint . . . She should do something, most likely. Say something? But all these years later, what? She'd done what she'd done. If three years later some tech in the state police lab managed to prove it, well, not even Wyatt could help her undo those consequences. She would simply have to face the music. While counting on Mrs. Ennis to take care of Sophie.

As for Wyatt . . . They'd been together only six months. And maybe she did love him, and maybe he did love her. But he didn't need to be connected to a felon. Not good for his professional future, not good for his personal reputation.

Compartmentalization: She couldn't undo what she'd done, but she could at least limit the collateral damage.

The skill had certainly helped her stand out as a top security specialist. Clients paid dearly for discretion. A good investigator such as Tessa got in, got out, and didn't ask a lot of questions along the way. Or volunteer information to the local police. Even if she was sleeping with the investigating officer.

Wyatt should've known better than to even ask if she had knowledge of Nicky Frank. That wasn't how her job worked, and he knew it. A Hail Mary pa.s.s on his part, plain and simple.

Then again, Nicole Frank had suffered three concussions. As Wyatt had pointed out, she might not even remember she was a Northledge client. In fact, she might not remember what Tessa had called that night to tell her.

Boundaries, she thought again. Their jobs required boundaries.

She required boundaries.

Because D. D. Warren had been right yesterday: Tessa still was a lone wolf. Even after getting her daughter back. Even after falling in love.

Tessa gave up, got out of bed. She padded through the darkened house into the kitchen, opening the refrigerator door, not because she was hungry, but because it was something to do. She pulled out a bottle of orange juice.

When she turned around, Sophie was standing there.

Tessa gasped. Dropped the container. Splattered OJ all over the floor.

"Dammit!"

"Darn it," Sophie corrected automatically.

"Oh, don't just stand there. Help me clean it up."

Sophie yawned, reached for the paper towels. Tessa did the honors of flipping on the overhead lights. It was one thing for her to be alone in the dark, but all these years later Sophie still required light.

"What brings you to the kitchen in the middle of the night?" Tessa asked finally. According to the digital display on the stove, it was 1:22 A.M.

"I heard you."

"Problems sleeping?"

Sophie shrugged. In other words, no more than usual. She worked at the spill with the sponge. Tessa followed up with damp paper towels.

"Warm milk?" Tessa suggested shortly. "At least I didn't spill that."

Sophie smiled; Tessa pulled out the milk.

She warmed it on the stove top, low heat, adding vanilla to taste, an old ritual from the first few months after the incident, when neither she nor Sophie had slept. They'd been a ragged pair of survivors then, barely functioning, each nursing her own scars. They were a curious little family now. Both more comfortable with firing ranges than polite conversation, both still p.r.o.ne to roaming the house at night.

"Do you still miss him?" Sophie asked. She'd taken a seat at the kitchen island, where she could watch Tessa work. Tessa didn't need an explanation to know who Sophie was asking about. It had been months since they'd last talked about him. But from time to time, Sophie had questions about her stepfather, which Tessa did her best to answer.

"Brian? Sometimes."

"I don't remember him much."

"He loved you."

"You always say that."

"Because it's true."

"But he was sick. A gambling addict. He hurt us."

Tessa stirred the milk carefully, then glanced up at her daughter. "Why do you ask about him, Sophie? What's keeping you awake tonight?"

"I don't know." Sophie looked away. "I like our family," she said abruptly. "You, me, Mrs. Ennis. It's perfect."

"Even without a dog?"

Sophie flashed a faint smile. "But that's kinda the point, I guess. Families change. Once we were three. Then we were two. Then we became three again. And now . . ." She glanced up at Tessa. "You like him, don't you? Wyatt's not just a stupid fling-"

"Sophie!"

"He's going to become our fourth. Do you love him?"

"Well, there's the question of the day," Tessa murmured.

"Do you?" Sophie demanded.

She was always honest with her daughter: "Yeah. I do."

"So that's it. He'll move in. I'll have to call him Daddy."

"You don't have to do anything. And I don't know about this moving-in thing. One step at a time."

Sophie's turn to look curious. "Why not? If you love him."

Because I'm afraid, Tessa wanted to say. Because happily ever after never looks the way you think it will from the movies. Maybe it's not an ending at all, but the beginning of the next terrible misadventure. The future is unreliable, and three years later, the past can still come back to haunt you.

"Relationships take time," Tessa said at last.

Her daughter nodded but didn't appear convinced.

"Sophie," Tessa said at last, leaning her hip against the counter. "What are you most afraid of?" She thought given the mood of the evening, it was a good question for both of them.

"The dark," her daughter said immediately.

"I mean with Wyatt. Do you think he'll hurt us? Do you think he's a bad man?"

"No."

"Do you like him?"

"I like the cop stuff," Sophie said at last.

"I like that he's honest," Tessa supplied. "He says what he's going to do, and he does what he says. A man of his word-that's how people describe him. You know, he thinks we should get a puppy."

"I think we should get a puppy!" Sophie sat up straighter.

"It's a lot of work. Especially for Mrs. Ennis. You and I aren't even home most of the day."

"I'll help. I'll help first thing in the morning, and I'll help again at night. The puppy can sleep in my room; then I can help even more."

"I asked Mrs. Ennis about it," Tessa said, a dog being a potential source of comfort and security for Sophie. And, say, something that would still be there for Sophie, even if Tessa had to leave for a bit. "She wasn't dramatically opposed. Maybe it would be a nice first step. We could all pick out a puppy together."

"Including Wyatt?" Faint scowl threatening.

"It was his idea."

"I guess."

"Do you plan on hating him forever?" Tessa asked curiously.

"I don't know. I guess he's nice enough. And a puppy is good. I'll have to wait and see."

"Fair enough."

Tessa thought that would be it. Sophie would finish her warm milk. They'd both go to bed. But instead, her daughter once more grew serious.

"What are you afraid of, Mommy?"

Tessa had to smile. Other than a recently recovered firearm and a single latent print . . .

Tessa set down her mug. She regarded her daughter as soberly as Sophie regarded her. "There's an old saying," she began, "the only thing there is to fear, is fear itself."

"That's stupid! There are plenty of things to fear."

"I know, Sophie. You and I both know. And I guess that's what scares me. We spend so much time, you and I, preparing for the worst, I worry we'll miss out on the best. I'll meet a good guy like Wyatt. You'll get a perfect puppy. And yet . . . we'll still be waiting for the next bad thing to happen. That's not a great way to live, you know. We need to not just see the good, but trust in it a little more. Learn some faith."

Stop being a lone wolf, she supposed. Talk a little more. Let go of the boundaries. And yet some habits were hard to break.

"That's why I should get a puppy," Sophie was saying. "A puppy will definitely help me learn trust."

"As well as how to scoop p.o.o.p."