Ten Thousand a-Year Volume I Part 14

I've been obligated to do it. Why shouldn't you? A'n't there that ring?"

"Oh, Lord! oh, Lord! that's just what Mrs. Squallop said last night!"

"Whew! _She's_ down on you, is she? And you have the face to come to me!! _You_--that's a-going to be sold up, come to borrow! Lord, that's good, anyhow! A queer use that to make of one's friends;--it's a taking them in, I say!"

"Oh, Huck, Huck, if you only knew what a poor devil"----

"Yes, that's what I was a-saying; but it a'n't 'poor devils' one lends money to so easily, I warrant me; though you _a'n't_ such a poor devil--you're only shamming! Where's your guard-chain, your studs, your breast-pin, your ring, and all that? Sell 'em! if not, anyhow, _p.a.w.n_ 'em. Can't eat your cake and have it; fine back must have empty belly with us sort of chaps."

"If you'll only be so uncommon kind as to lend me--this once--ten shillings," continued t.i.tmouse, in an imploring tone, "I'll bind myself, by a solemn oath, to pay you the very first moment I get what's due to me from Tag-rag & Co."---- Here he was almost choked by the sudden recollection that he had next to nothing to receive.

"You've some property in the MOON, too, that's coming to you, you know!"

said Huckaback, with an insulting sneer.

"I know what you're driving at," said poor t.i.tmouse; and he continued eagerly, "and if anything _should_ ever come up from Messrs. Quirk, Gam"----

"Yough! Faugh! Pish! Stuff!" burst out Huckaback, in a tone of contempt and disgust; "_never_ thought there was anything in it, and now _know_ it! It's all my eye, and all that! You've been only humbugging me all this while!"

"Oh, Hucky, Hucky! You don't say so!" groaned t.i.tmouse, bursting into tears; "you did not _always_ say so."

"It's enough that I say it _now_, then; will that do?" interrupted Huckaback, impetuously.

"Oh, Lord, Lord! what is to become of me?" cried t.i.tmouse, with a face full of anguish.

[At this moment, the following was the course of thought pa.s.sing through the mind of Mr. Huckaback:--It is not _certain_ that nothing will come of the fellow's affair with Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap. It was hardly likely that they would have gone as far as t.i.tmouse represented, (lawyers as they were), unless they had seen very substantial grounds for doing so. Besides, even though t.i.tmouse might not get ten thousand a-year, he might yet succeed in obtaining a very splendid sum of money: and if he (Huckaback) could but get a little slice out of it, t.i.tmouse was now nearly desperate, and would promise anything; and if he could but be wheedled into giving anything in writing--Well, thought Huckaback, I'll try it however!]

"Ah, t.i.tmouse, you're civil enough _now_, and would _promise_ anything,"

said Huckaback, appearing to hesitate; "but supposing I were to do what you want, when you got your money you'd forget everything about it"----

"Forget my promise! Dear Hucky! only try me--do try me but once, that's all! 'Pon my precious life, ten shillings is worth more to me now than a hundred pounds may be by-and-by."

"Ay, so you say _now_; but d'ye mean to tell me, that in case I _was_ now to advance you ten shillings out of my small salary," continued Huckaback, apparently carelessly, "you'd, for instance, pay me a hundred pounds out of your thousands?"

"Oh, Lord! only you try me--do try me!" said t.i.tmouse, eagerly.

"Oh, I dare say!" interrupted Huckaback, smiling incredulously, and c.h.i.n.king some money in his trousers pocket. t.i.tmouse heard it, and (as the phrase is) his teeth watered; and he immediately swore such a tremendous oath as I dare not set down in writing, that if Huckaback would that evening lend him ten shillings, t.i.tmouse would give him one hundred pounds out of the very first moneys he got from the estate.

"Ten shillings is a slapping slice out of my little salary--I shall have, by George, to go without lots of things I'd intended getting; it's really worth ten pounds to me, just now."

"Why, dear Hucky! 'pon my life, 't is worth a hundred to _me_! Mrs.

Squallop will sell me out, bag and baggage, if I don't give her something to-morrow!"

"Well, if I really thought--hem!--would you mind giving me, now, a bit of black and white for it--just (as one might say) to show you was in earnest?"

"I'll do anything you like; only let me feel the ten shillings in my fingers!"

"Well, no sooner said than done, if you're a man of your word," said Huckaback, in a trice producing a bit of paper, and a pen and ink. "So, only just for the fun of it; but--Lord! what stuff!--I'm only bargaining for a hundred pounds of moonshine. Ha, ha! I shall never see the color of your money, not I; so I may as well say two hundred when I'm about it, as one hundred"----

"Why, hem! Two hundred, Huck, _is_ rather a large figure; one hundred's odds enough, I'm sure!" quoth t.i.tmouse, meekly.

"P'r'aps, t.i.t, you forget the _licking_ you gave me the other day," said Huckaback, with sudden sternness. "Suppose I was to go to an attorney, and get the law of you, what a sight of damages I should have--three hundred pounds at least!"

t.i.tmouse appeared even yet hesitating.

"Well, then!" said Huckaback, flinging down his pen, "suppose I have them damages yet"----

"Come, come, Hucky, 't is all past and gone, all that"--

"Is it? Well, I never! I shall never be again the same man I was before that 'ere licking. I've a sort of a--a--of a--feeling inside, as if--my breast was--I shall carry it to my grave--curse me if I sha'n't!"

[It never once occurred to t.i.tmouse, not having his friend Mr. Gammon at his elbow, that the plaintiff in the action of _Huckaback v. t.i.tmouse_ might have been slightly at a loss for a _witness_ of the a.s.sault; but something quite as good in its way--a heaven-sent suggestion--_did_ occur to him.]

"Ah," said t.i.tmouse, suddenly, "that's true; and uncommon sorry am I; but still, a hundred pounds is a hundred pounds, and a large sum for the use of ten shillings, and a licking; but never you think it's all moonshine about my business with Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap! I didn't intend to have said a word--but--you should only have heard what _I've_ heard to-day from those gents; hem! but I won't split _again_ either!" he added mysteriously.

"Eh? What? Heard from those gents at Saffron Hill?" interrupted Huckaback, briskly; "come, t.i.tty, out with it--out with it; no secrets between friends, t.i.tty!"

"No, I'll be hanged if I do--I won't spoil it all again; and now, since I've let out as much, which I didn't mean to do, I'll tell you something else--ten shillings is no use to me, I must have a pound."

"t.i.tty, t.i.tty!" exclaimed Huckaback, with unaffected concern.

"And I won't give more than fifty for it when I get my property either"---- [Huckaback whistled aloud, and with a significant air b.u.t.toned up the pocket which contained the money; intimating that now the negotiation was all at an end, for that t.i.tmouse's new terms were quite out of the question;] "for I know where I can get twenty pounds easily, only I liked to come to a _friend_ first."

"You aren't behaving much like a friend to one as has always been a fast friend of yours, t.i.tty! _A pound!_--I haven't got it to part with, that's flat; so, if that's really your lowest figure, why, you must even go to your other friend, and leave poor Hucky!"

"Well, I don't mind saying only ten shillings," quoth t.i.tmouse, fearing that he had been going on _rather_ too fast.

"Ah, that's something reasonable-like, t.i.tty! and to meet you like a friend, I'll take fifty pounds instead of a hundred; but you won't object now to--you know--a deposit; that ring of yours--well, well! it don't signify, since it goes against you; so now, here goes, a bit of paper for ten shillings, ha, ha!" and taking a pen, after a pause, in which he called to mind as much of the phraseology of money securities as he could, he drew up the following stringent doc.u.ment, which I give _verbatim et literatim_:--

"_Know all Men_ That you are bound to _Mr. R. Huckaback_ Promising the Bearer (on _Demand_) To Pay Fifty Pounds in cash out of the estate, _if you Get it_. (Value received.)

"(Witness,) 22d July 18--.

"R. HUCKABACK."

"There, t.i.tty--if you're an honest man, and would do as you would be done by," said Huckaback, after signing his own name as above, handing the pen to t.i.tmouse, "sign that; just to show your honor, like--for in course--bating the ten shillings I've lent you--I sha'n't ever come on you for the money--get as much as you may."

A blessed thought occurred to poor t.i.tmouse in his extremity, viz. that there was _no stamp_ on the above instrument, (and he had never seen a promissory-note or bill of exchange without one;) and he signed it instantly, with many fervent expressions of grat.i.tude. Huckaback received the valuable security with apparently a careless air; and after cramming it into his pocket, as if it had been in reality only a bit of waste paper, counted out ten shillings into the eager hand of t.i.tmouse; who, having thus most unexpectedly succeeded in his mission, soon afterwards departed--each of this pair of worthies fancying that he had succeeded in cheating the other. Huckaback, having very cordially shaken t.i.tmouse by the hand, heartily d.a.m.ned him upon shutting the door on him; and then anxiously perused and re-perused his "security," wondering whether it was possible for t.i.tmouse at any time thereafter to evade it, and considering by what means he could acquaint himself with the progress of t.i.tmouse's affairs. The latter gentleman, as he hurried homeward, dwelt for a long while upon only one thought--how fortunate was the omission of his friend to have a stamp upon his security! When and where, thought he, was it that he had heard that nothing would do without a stamp? However, he had got the ten shillings safe; and Huckaback might wait for his fifty pounds till--but in the meanwhile he, t.i.tmouse, seemed to stand a fair chance of going to the dogs; the ten shillings, which he had just obtained with so much difficulty, were to find their way immediately into the pockets of his landlady, whom it might pacify for a day or two, and to what quarter was he now to look for the smallest a.s.sistance? What was to become of him? t.i.tmouse was a miserable fool; but thoughts such as these, in such circ.u.mstances as his, would have forced themselves into the mind of even a fool! How could he avoid--oh, horrid thought!--soon parting with, or at least p.a.w.ning, his ring and his other precious trinkets? He burst into a perspiration at the mere thought of seeing them hanging ticketed for sale in the window of old b.a.l.l.s! As he slowly ascended the stairs which led to his apartment, he felt as if he were following some unseen conductor to a dungeon.

He was not aware that all this while, although he heard nothing from them, he occupied almost exclusively the thoughts of those distinguished pract.i.tioners in the law, Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap. They, in common with Huckaback, had an intense desire to share in his antic.i.p.ated good fortune, and determined to do so according to their opportunities.

The excellent Huckaback (a model of an usurer on a small scale) had promptly and adroitly seized hold of the very first opportunity that presented itself, for securing a little return hereafter for the ten shillings, with which he had so generously parted when he could so ill afford it; while Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap were racking their brains, and from time to time, those of Messrs. Mortmain and Frankpledge, to discover some instrument strong and large enough to cut a fat slice for themselves out of the fortune they were endeavoring, for that purpose, to put within the reach of Mr. t.i.tmouse. A rule of three mode of stating the matter would be thus: as the inconvenience of Huckaback's parting with his ten shillings and his waiver of damages for a very cruel a.s.sault, were to his contingent gain, hereafter, of fifty pounds; so were Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap's risk, exertions, outlay, and benefit conferred on t.i.tmouse, to their contingent gain of ten thousand pounds. The princ.i.p.al point of difference between them was--as to the mode of _securing_ their future recompense; in which it may have been observed by the attentive reader, with respect to the precipitancy of Huckaback and the hesitating caution of Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap, that--"_thus fools_" (_e. g._ Huckaback) "_rushed in where angels_" (_i. e._ Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap) "_feared to tread_." Let me not, however, for a moment, insinuate that both these parties were actuated by only one motive, _i. e._ to make a prey of this little monkey _millionnaire_ that was to be. 'Tis true that Huckaback appears to have driven rather a hard bargain with his distressed friend, (and almost every one who, being similarly situated, has occasion for such services as t.i.tmouse sought from Huckaback, will find himself called upon to pay, in one way or another, pretty nearly the same price for them;) but it was attended with one good effect;--for the specific interest in t.i.tmouse's future prosperity, acquired by Huckaback, quickened the latter gentleman's energies and sharpened his wits in the service of his friend. But for this, indeed, it is probable that Mr.

Huckaback's door would have become as hopelessly closed against t.i.tmouse as was that of Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap. Some two or three nights after the little transaction between the two friends which I have been describing, Huckaback called upon t.i.tmouse, and after greeting him rather cordially, told him that he had come to put him up to a trick upon the Saffron Hill people, that would tickle them into a little activity in his affairs. The trick was--the sending a letter to those gentlemen calculated to--but why attempt to characterize it? I have the original doc.u.ment lying before me, which was sent by t.i.tmouse the very next morning to Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap; and here follows a _verbatim_ copy of it:--

"_No. 9, Closet Court, Oxford Street._

"_To Messrs._ QUERK & CO.

"Gents,--Am Sorry _to_ Trouble You, But Being _Drove quite desperate_ at my Troubles (which have bro^t me to my Last Penny a Week ago) and Mrs. Squallop my Landlady w^d distrain on Me only that There Is nothing to distrain on, Am Determined to Go Abroad in a Week's Time, and shall Never come Any More back again with Great Grief w^h Is What I now Write To tell You Of (Hoping you will please Take No notice of It) So Need give Yourselves No Further Concern with my Concerns Seeing The Estate is Not To Be Had and Am Sorry you Sh^d Have Had so Much trouble with My Affairs w^h c^d not Help. Sh^d have Much liked The Thing, only it Was Not worth Stopping For, or Would, but Since It Was not G.o.d's Will be Done _which it Will_. Hav^g raised a Trifle On my Future Prospects (w^h am Certain There is Nothing In) from a _True Friend_" [need it be guessed at whose instance these words had found their way into the letter?] "w^h was certainly uncommon inconvenient to That Person But He w^d do Anything to Do me good As he says Am going to raise A Little More from a Gent That does _Things of That Nature_ w^h will help me with Expense in Going Abroad (which place I Never mean to Return from.) Have fixed for the 10th To Go on w^h Day Shall Take leave Of Mr. Tag-rag (who on my Return Shall be glad to See Buried or in the Workhouse.) Have wrote This letter Only to Save Y^r Respectable Selves trouble w^h Trust You w^d not have Taken.

"And Remain, "Gents, "Y^r humble Unworthy servant, "T. t.i.tMOUSE.