Taste. Part 11

"A lot."

"I can't help if you won't talk about it."

"I don't want to burden you, Lil. It's not fair."

"Fair, shmare shmare... don't be silly. I'm asking because I'm interested."

"Are you?" Grier sounded surprise.

"Isn't it obvious?"

"I hoped."

"Talk to me, love."

"I came out to my dad this morning."

"And you're still alive to talk about it. That's a good sign," Lil teased.

Grier laughed. "I suppose. He was actually halfway decent. He didn't throw me out of the truck."

"Look at this positively. It's one less hurdle."

"The discussion isn't over by any means," Grier said bitterly.

"It takes time for some parents."

"Were you lucky or was it a struggle for you as well?"

"My mother knew I was gay before I did," Lil said with a grin. "She's quite a character with a flair for the dramatic. Her great love is theater, and we'd go as often as possible. The idea of having a gay son never bothered her. It was the fear of what others could do to me that made her protective. She'd heard all the horror stories of gay bashings and feared for my safety, especially because I'd inherited her love of playacting and drama. I was quite outrageous in my younger days," Lil admitted. "What you're seeing now is a toned-down version."

"What I see when I look at you is a very confident man, Lil. It's a part of you I find extremely attractive. I'm tired of skulking around in my world. I wish I could be as open as you, or even Jody and Clark."

"Sweetie, Clark had his own journey, and it wasn't an easy one. Jody's parents are the opposite end of the spectrum. They've always been very understanding and supportive of Jody's orientation. We all have to work with the hand we're dealt. You'll find your way eventually, and when you've come to terms with your choices, things will fall into place. Your family will learn to accept you for who you are if you've accepted it first."

"I'm comfortable with my s.e.xuality, Lil, but I worry that if I ever try and force Jillian to publicly acknowledge me as Luca's father, it may damage my chances to get any sort of custody."

"Grier, these are not medieval times. Gay men are allowed to marry in many states and have families. Courts have been awarding custody to more men than you know. Are you seriously thinking of bringing this situation to a head?"

"Jillian is changing before my eyes. I don't know if it's Ali's influence, or if she's always felt this way about me. I really thought we had an understanding about Luca, but she said some things yesterday, and even tonight, which make me question her true feelings."

"Is your brother a h.o.m.ophobe?"

"I guess you could call him that."

"Has he always felt this way?"

"It's gotten worse in the last year or so. I'm used to him bossing me around, and making snide remarks about my weakness for c.o.c.k, but after Mom died, he was determined to protect Dad from my h.o.m.os.e.xuality. He's convinced that I'll be the death of our father."

"What gives him the right to be judge and jury?"

"I guess being the oldest."

"You don't strike me as being very submissive."

"I'm not, but I love my dad, and I would do anything to avoid hurting him."

"You seem to be putting everyone's feelings ahead of yours."

"What do you mean?"

"You've said yourself that you've put your life on hold for Luca. But it's not just him, is it? Everyone else comes first-your father, your brother, Jillian. When will it be your turn?"

Chapter 11.

THE accusation stung, but it was said in such a loving way that Grier pushed back his instinctive need to lash out and defend himself. accusation stung, but it was said in such a loving way that Grier pushed back his instinctive need to lash out and defend himself.

"I don't know, Lil."

"Don't you think it's time for you to be number one for a change?"

"What about Luca?"

"You won't be any good to him if you continue to let circ.u.mstances dictate your life. I know it's easier said than done, and I have no clue how Jillian or her family thinks, but I can see that you're troubled. Grier, you need to stand up for yourself."

"I don't want to hurt anyone."

"Your inaction is hurting Luca... he needs to know that he has a father, and he wasn't abandoned. G.o.d only knows what Jillian's told him. Do you?"

"She told Luca that his father got sick and had to go away."

"So, she's basically said he's dead?"

"No, but Luca has a.s.sumed that his father is with my mother in heaven because that's where people go when they get sick and can't come back."

"What are you going to tell him if he pins you down for details?"

"I have no idea."

"Does he go to school yet?"

"He's in first grade."

"I'm surprised he hasn't asked you anything. Kids aren't known for their tact. It's a wonder he hasn't come home with a thousand questions."

"Not to be mean, but what makes you the expert? How do you know what will or will not happen in school?"

"I was was Luca, and when people asked me about my own father, it hurt. My thoughts of being so insignificant that my dad could just leave, without any explanation, damaged me for a long time." Luca, and when people asked me about my own father, it hurt. My thoughts of being so insignificant that my dad could just leave, without any explanation, damaged me for a long time."

"I'm sorry... I had no idea."

"But I do, Grier, and I don't want Luca to ever feel he's not worthy of being loved."

"s.h.i.t... did you feel that way?"

"For years."

"How'd you get over it?"

"I did a lot of stupid things until my mother found a really good therapist," Lil said, smiling.

"What stupid things?"

"What didn't I do? For one thing, I was wildly promiscuous. The cliched club boy constantly seeking attention and equating it with love."

"I'm trying to visualize this."

Lil laughed. "Believe me, I was quite the player. Jody can attest to my wicked ways. Although, by the time he and I met in college, I'd pretty much resolved my daddy issues."

"I thought you had a stepfather?"

"I do, and he's a great guy. Nonetheless, it didn't take away the truth that my own flesh and blood ran out on me without ever looking back."

"You never heard from your real dad again?"

"Nope."

"What an a.s.shole."

"I don't think about him anymore."

"What was your biggest hang-up as a child?"

"Validation... I needed to know I was worth something."

"Didn't your mother show you how much she loved you?"

"All the time, but it wasn't enough. The one person who meant the most had rejected me."

"Do you think Luca will end up hating me?"

"He loves you very much, Grier. I've seen how you two interact, but the longer you keep the truth from him, the more difficult it will be in the end. You don't want to wait until he's an angry teenager."

"I love him so much. I lie awake at night and think about his future. I want him to have choices I've never had."

"Why didn't Jillian tell the truth? Claiming rape is so extreme."

"Jillian never made mistakes. The three of us, Jake, Ali, and I, were constantly getting into trouble, but she was little Miss Perfectstraight-A student, president of her cla.s.s, head cheerleader, and a volunteer at the local hospital. She was the apple of her parents' eyes. Crying rape was preferable to admitting she'd messed up. When she told her parents she was pregnant and insisted on having the child, because they are Catholic and don't believe in abortion, it elevated her to the status of sainthood."

"Weren't they interested in finding the guy and pressing charges?"

"She refused to file a police report and told her parents that if they insisted, she'd leave home, which threw them into a f.u.c.king tizzy."

"I can't believe she got away with it."

"Her parents are nonconfrontational, Lil. They were so grateful that she had survived the supposed rape, it never occurred to them to go against her wishes. They rallied around her, and when Luca was born, he became everyone's child. Her parents took turns babysitting, so she could go to college, and when I got back from my two-year stint at Illinois State, I got on the babysitting rotation."

"I still don't understand the reasoning behind the lie."

"I guess you'd have to know how the family works to understand the mindset."

"Can you give me an overview?"

"The Garcias are immigrants who've worked d.a.m.n hard to give their kids a good life, sometimes working double shifts to be able to provide the creature comforts they never had. They are well-respected within the Filipino community and had high hopes for Jillian, who epitomized their American dream. It didn't include single parenthood. In fact, her dad always said there wasn't anyone out there worthy of his daughter."

"That's pretty normal for most parents, isn't it? No one's good enough."

"Yet, they thought I was," Grier snorted. "Our parents always joked about us getting married."

"Which fed into Jillian's obsession."

"I guess. t.i.ta t.i.ta Nita and Nita and t.i.to t.i.to Enteng love Ali and me almost as much as they love their own kids. It would have killed them to know that I'd ruined their daughter, and it would have created a ma.s.sive split between our parents." Enteng love Ali and me almost as much as they love their own kids. It would have killed them to know that I'd ruined their daughter, and it would have created a ma.s.sive split between our parents."

"If they were such good friends, they'd have talked about it and worked through the crisis."

"Jillian didn't seem to think so, and let's face it. She knows them better than we do."

"Don't you think this was more about Jillian's pride than the truth?"

"What do you mean?"

"She set her eyes on you, and when her plan backfired, she couldn't face the public shame of being rejected, so she created this ridiculous rape scenario. It was easier than admitting she was in love with a gay man who had no intention of being her husband."

"You think she's that manipulative? Our s.e.x was a spur of the moment thing."

"Maybe on your part, but if she's the overachiever you describe, she knew exactly what she was doing."

"I did offer to marry her."

"It would have been a farce."

"It's a lot to think about, Lil."