Talkers Part 31

"But this juggler Would think to chain my judgment, as mine eyes, Obtruding false rules pranked in reason's garb."

Another species of this talker is thus described by Butler, in "Hudibras":--

"He'd undertake to prove, by force Of argument, a man's a horse; He'd prove a buzzard is no fowl, And that a lord may be an owl; A calf an alderman, a goose a justice, And rooks committee men and trustees."

Another kind may be noticed: the one whose arguments are generally of a cla.s.s which, when seen through and used by sound wit, rebound upon himself. Trumball, in his "M'Fingal," thus describes him:--

"But as some muskets do contrive it, As oft to miss the mark they drive at, And though well aimed at duck or plover, Bear wide, and kick their owners over,-- So fared our squire, whose reas'ning toil Would often on himself recoil, And so much injured more his side, The stronger arguments he apply'd."

One more of this cla.s.s of talkers may be mentioned, viz., the man who forces his logic upon you in such a dogmatic manner as leaves you without any hope of reply. You give him all the glory of victory. For the sake of peace and safety you remain pa.s.sive, and think this the best valour for the occasion. Cowper refers to him in the following lines:--

"Vociferated logic kills me quite, A noisy man is always in the right; I twirl my thumbs, fall back into my chair, Fix on the wainscot a distressful stare; And when I hope his blunders are all out, Reply discreetly, To be sure--no doubt!"

XIV. THE RELIGIOUS.--He is one that obtrudes his views and experience upon others in ways, times, and places which are far from prudent and commendable. Between his talk and his conduct there is a wide disparity.

From his words you would judge him a saint: from his conduct a sinner.

Abroad he is a Christian: at home he is an infidel.

Bunyan describes this character in his own simple and forcible way: "I have been in his family, and have observed him both at home and abroad; and I know what I say of him is the truth. His house is as empty of religion as the white of an egg is of savour. There is neither prayer nor sign of repentance for sin; yea, the brute, in his kind, serves G.o.d far better than he. He is the very stain, reproach, and shame of religion to all that know him: it can hardly have a good word in that end of the town where he dwells, through him--a saint abroad, and a devil at home! His poor family find it so. He is such a churl; such a railer at and so unreasonable with his servants, that they neither know how to do for him nor speak of him. Men that have any dealings with him say it is better to deal with a Turk than with him, for fairer dealings they shall have at his hands. This Talkative, if it be possible, will go beyond them, defraud, beguile, and overreach them. Besides, he brings up his sons to follow in his steps; and if he finds in any of them a 'foolish timorousness' (for so he calls the first appearance of a tender conscience), he calls them fools and blockheads, and by no means will employ them in much, or speak to their commendation before others. For my part, I am of opinion that he has, by his wicked life, caused many to stumble and fall, and will be, if G.o.d prevent not, the ruin of many more."

The Apostle James in his epistle refers to this talker: "If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain." And how is he to bridle his tongue? Why, not only from slander and profanity, but from _saying_, "When he is tempted, I am tempted of G.o.d; for G.o.d cannot tempt to evil; neither tempteth He any man." Also, from making empty and pharisaic pretensions to a high state of piety, while there are glaring contradictions in the life: "What doth it profit, if a man say that he hath faith, and have not works? Can faith save him?" As though the Apostle should say, "You talkers about religion are not always the most practical exemplifiers of it. Not he who _says_ he is religious, but he who _lives_ religious is the justified one before G.o.d and man. Enough of talk, talk, talk: let us have the _reality_ in heart experience and in life deeds."

"'Say well' from 'do well' differs in letter; 'Say well' is good, but 'do well' is better.

'Say well' says G.o.dly, and helps to please; But 'do well' lives G.o.dly, and gives the world ease.

'Say well' in danger of death is cold; 'Do well' is harnessed, and wondrous bold.

'Say well' to silence sometimes is bound; But 'do well' is free for every stound.

'Say well' has friends, some here some there; But 'do well' is welcome everywhere.

By 'say well' many a one to G.o.d's Word cleaves; But for lack of 'do well' it quickly leaves.

If 'say well' and 'do well' were joined in one frame, Then all were done, all were won, and gotten were the game."

XV. THE PREJUDICED.--Rumour and ignorance form the foundation of prejudice.

"That is an injurious book for your children to read," said Mr. Rust one day to Mr. Moon, concerning a volume of the "Primrose Series," which he was looking at in Smith's library.

All Mr. Rust knew about the volume was something which had casually dropped in conversation the day before, in the house of a friend where he was visiting; but that was sufficient to prejudice him against the book.

"I hear you have invited the Rev. Jonas Winkle to be the pastor of your church," said the Rev. T. Little to Deacon Bunsen.

"Yes, we have," the deacon replied.

"I am sorry to hear it; for if all that is said about him is true, you have made a mistake."

And what did this Reverend brother know of the other Reverend brother to justify him in speaking thus? Why, just nothing at all. True, he had heard a rumour, but personal knowledge he had none. However, what he said so influenced the mind of Deacon Bunsen, that he did all he could to have the invitation withdrawn; which being done, the Rev. Mr. Little, by certain "wire pulling" on his part, and a good word spoken for him by a layman of wealth on his part, managed to secure the pastorate of the said church for himself.

"I hear that young Bush is coming into your bank as cashier," observed Mr. Young to Mr. Monk, the manager.

"Yes; he enters upon his duties next week."

"But have you not heard what is afloat about him?"

"No. I have heard nothing."

"Then the less said the soonest mended," answered Young.

Now this Mr. Young knew nothing personally against young Bush, but had heard a rumour which prejudiced him to speak in this way of him; the result of which was that the manager evinced suspicion of the young man until he had been in the bank some time, and by his unquestionable conduct had proved that Mr. Young's insinuation was nothing but prejudice grounded upon rumour and ignorance of him.

Thus it is that the prejudiced talker may do a great deal of mischief against persons of the most innocent character.

Prejudice has nothing to justify it, but everything to condemn it. The person subject to it evinces a mind devoid of the breadth, strength, and independence characteristic of true manhood; and the sooner he disposes of rumour and ignorance as the creator of words on his tongue, the better for his reputation. Before he speaks of persons or things he will act wisely to "come and see" by personal interview and experience.

XVI. THE BOASTER.--This talker is somewhat akin to the _Egotist_; nevertheless there is a distinction and difference. What he is, what he has done, where he has been, his acquaintances, his intentions, his prospects, his capabilities, his possessions, are the subjects of his talk in such a braggadocio spirit and style as disgusts the intelligent, and imposes upon the simple.

Has he done you a charitable deed? has he been heroic in an act of mercy? has he given a contribution to an object of beneficence? has he performed some feat of gymnastics? has he made a good bargain in business? has he said or done something which has elicited the faintest praise from an observer?--with what a flourish he brags of each in its turn! Everybody and everything must stand aside while he and his doings are exhibited in full glory before the company.

It is well when these mountebanks meet with treatment such as they deserve. A honest word or two spoken by a fearless hearer of their loud talking will soon cause their balloon to collapse, or bring their exhibition to a sudden end. And then how pitiable they do look! Where is boasting then? Alas, it is excluded; and their glory is turned into shame.

A young man who in his travels had visited the isle of Rhodes was once boasting in company of how he had out-jumped all the men there, and all the Rhodians could bear witness of it. One of the company replied, "If you speak the truth, think this place to be Rhodes, and jump here;" when it turned out that he could do nothing, and was glad to make his exit.

The English proverb, "Great boast and small roast," is applicable to such.

It is said in history that a friend of Caesar's had preserved a certain man from the tyranny of the triumvirate proscription; but he so frequently talked about it in a boasting manner, that the poor man ultimately exclaimed, "Pray thee, restore me to Caesar again! I had rather undergo a thousand deaths than to be thus continually upbraided by thee with what thou hast done for me."

And who does not sympathise with this feeling when any one who has in a way been a friend is ever and anon boasting of it in conversation?

"We must not," as one says, "make ourselves the trumpet of our benevolence in liberalities and good deeds, but let them, like John the Baptist, be the speaking son of a dumb parent--speak to the necessity of our brother, but dumb in the relation of it to others. It is for worthless empirics to stage themselves in the market and recount their cures, and for all good Christians to be silent in their charitable transactions."

"The highest looks have not the highest mind, Nor haughty words most full of highest thought; But are like bladders blown up with the wind, That being p.r.i.c.ked, evanish into nought."

"Who knows himself a braggart, Let him fear this; for it will come to pa.s.s That every braggart shall be found an a.s.s."

XVII. THE QUARRELSOME.--What is said of the Irishman may be said of this talker, "He is only in peace when he is in a quarrel." His flowers are thistles, and his sweets bitters. The more you study to be quiet, the more he aims to make a noise. The least imaginable thing in word, look, or act he takes as a cause for bickering and contention. As a neighbour, as a fellow member in a family, as a fellow workman, as a fellow traveller, he is disagreeable and annoying. He quarrels with you alike for things you do to please him or things you do to displease him. When two such persons meet, peace takes to her wings and flies away, leaving war of words, if not of weapons, in her room.

Benvolio in _Romeo and Juliet_ was one of this steel. Mercutio addressing him says, "Thou! why thou wilt quarrel with a man that hath a hair more or less in his beard than thou hast. Thou wilt quarrel with a man for cracking nuts, having no other reason but because thou hast hazel eyes. What eye but such eye would spy out such a quarrel? Thy head is as full of quarrels as an egg is full of meat; and yet thy head hath been beaten as addle as an egg for quarrelling. Thou hast quarrelled with a man for coughing in the street, because he hath wakened thy dog that hath lain asleep in the sun. Didst thou not fall out with a man for wearing his new doublet before Easter? with another, for tying his new shoes with old ribbons? and yet thou wilt tutor me from quarrelling!"

XVIII. THE PROFOUND.--He leaves you at the edge, but himself plunges like an expert diver into the vasty deeps; and there in twilight visible, if not in darkness felt, he converses with you about the mysterious, the metaphysical, the mystical, the profound. As you gaze with wondering vision, you hear a voice, but see no man. He invites you down into his caves of ocean thought; but, as you see not where he is, and know not the way to follow, nor think it worth while to go at a venture, you prefer remaining on the sh.o.r.e.

Nor is it always the _depth_ into which this talker delights to go. Were it this, with _transparency_, there would not be so much objection. He too frequently plunges into muddled waters, or makes them so by his movements therein. He persuades himself that he has acquired profound knowledge of philosophy from the dark and mystical writings of the Germans translated into English. With this persuasion he courts your attention, while he discourses to you in terms and phrases of marvellous vagueness about the Ego within us--the Infinite and the Immense, the Absolute, the Ent.i.ty and Nonent.i.ty, and such-like subjects, of which you can make neither "top nor tail," and of which he knows nothing save the terms and phrases that he strings together with such adept expertness and palpable absurdity.

"What do you think," asked Mr. Stanley of Professor Rigg, "of Hegel's paradox, that nothing is equal to being, and that if being and nothing be conjoined you have existence?"

The Professor answered with his usual gravity and profundity: "Nothing could be more profound, and as lucid as profound, if Hegel's theory of the 'evolution of the concrete' was remembered. According to that theory the concrete is the idea which, as a unity, is variously determined, having the principle of its activity within itself, while the origin of the activity, the act itself, and the result, are one, and const.i.tute the concrete. The innate contradiction of the concrete is the basis of its development, and though differences arise, they at last vanish into unity. To use the words of Hegel, there is 'both the movement and repose in the movement. The difference hardly appears before it disappears, whereupon there issues from it a full and complete unity.'"