Tales Of The Trains Part 5

I got into the Dover "down train" at the station, and after seeking for a place in two or three of the leading carriages, at last succeeded in obtaining one where there were only two other pa.s.sengers. These were a lady and a gentleman,--the former, a young, pleasing-looking girl, dressed in quiet mourning; the latter was a tall, gaunt, bilious-looking man, with grisly gray hair, and an extravagantly aquiline nose. I guessed, from the positions they occupied in the carriage, that they were not acquaintances, and my conjecture proved subsequently true. The young lady was pale, like one in delicate health, and seemed very weary and tired, for she was fast asleep as I entered the carriage, and did not awake, notwithstanding all the riot and disturbance incident to the station. I took my place directly in front of my fellow-travellers; and whether from mere accident, or from the pa.s.sing interest a pretty face inspires, cast my eyes towards the lady; the gaunt man opposite fixed on me a look of inexpressible shrewdness, and with a very solemn shake of his head, whispered in a low undertone,--

"No! no! not a bit of it; she ain't asleep,--they never do sleep,--never!"

"Oh!" thought I to myself, "there's another cla.s.s of people not remarkable for over-drowsiness; "for, to say truth, the expression of the speaker's face and the oddity of his words made me suspect that he was not a miracle of sanity. The reflection had scarcely pa.s.sed through my mind, when he arose softly from his seat, and a.s.sumed a place beside me.

"You thought she was fast," said he, as he laid his hand familiarly on my arm; "I know you did,--I saw it the moment you came into the carriage."

"Why, I did think--"

"Ah! that's deceived many a one. Lord bless you, sir, they are not understood, no one knows them; "and at these words he heaved a profound sigh, and dropped his head upon his bosom, as though the sentiment had overwhelmed him with affliction.

"Riddles, sir," said he to me, with a glare of his eyes that really looked formidable,--"sphinxes; that's what they are. Are you married?"

whispered he.

"No, sir," said I, politely; for as I began to entertain more serious doubts of my companion's intellect, I resolved to treat him with every civility.

"I don't believe it matters a fig," said he; "the Pope of Rome knows as much about them as Bluebeard."

"Indeed," said I, "are these your sentiments?"

"They are," replied he, in a still lower whisper; "and if we were to talk modern Greek this moment, I would not say but _she_"--and here he made a gesture towards the young lady opposite--"but _she_ would know every word of it. It is not supernatural, sir, because the law is universal; but it is a most--what shall I say, sir?--a most extraordinary provision of nature,--wonderful! most wonderful!"

"In Heaven's name, why did they let him out?" exclaimed I to myself.

"Now she is pretending to awake," said he, as he nudged me with his elbow; "watch her, see how well she will do it." Then turning to the lady, he added in a louder voice,--

"You have had a refreshing sleep, I trust, ma'am?"

"A very heavy one," answered she, "for I was greatly fatigued."

"Did not I tell you so?" whispered he again in my ear. "Oh!" and here he gave a deep groan, "when they 're in delicate health, and they 're greatly fatigued, there's no being up to them!"

The remainder of our journey was not long in getting over; but brief as it was, I could not help feeling annoyed at the pertinacity with which the bilious gentleman purposely misunderstood every word the young lady spoke. The most plain, matter-of-fact observations from her were received by him as though she was a monster of duplicity; and a casual mistake as to the name of a station he pounced upon, as though it were a wilful and intentional untruth. This conduct, on his part, was made ten times worse to me by his continued nudgings of the elbow, sly winks, and muttered sentences of "You hear that"--"There's more of it"--"You would not credit it now," etc.; until at length he succeeded in silencing the poor girl, who, in all likelihood, set us both down for the two greatest savages in England.

On arriving at Dover, although I was the bearer of despatches requiring the utmost haste, a dreadful hurricane from the eastward, accompanied by a tremendous swell, prevented any packet venturing out to sea. The commander of "The Hornet," however, told me, should the weather, as was not improbable, moderate towards daybreak, he would do his best to run me over to Calais; "only be ready," said he, "at a moment's notice, for I will get the steam up, and be off in a jiffy, whenever the tide begins to ebb." In compliance with this injunction, I determined not to go to bed, and, ordering my supper in a private room, I prepared myself to pa.s.s the intervening time as well as might be.

"Mr. Yellowley's compliments," said the waiter, as I broke the crust of a veal-pie, and obtained a bird's-eye view of that delicious interior, where hard eggs and jelly, mushrooms, and kidney, were blended together in a delicious harmony of coloring. "Mr. Yellowley's compliments, sir, and will take it as a great favor if he might join you at supper."

"Have not the pleasure of knowing him," said I, shortly,--"bring me a pint of sherry,--don't know Mr. Yellowley."

"Yes, but you do, though," said the gaunt man of the railroad, as he entered the room, with four cloaks on one arm, and two umbrellas under the other.

"Oh! it's you," said I, half rising from my chair; for in spite of my annoyance at the intrusion, a certain degree of fear of my companion overpowered me.

"Yes," said he, solemnly. "Can you untie this cap? The string has got into a black-knot, I fear; "and so he bent down his huge face while I endeavored to relieve him of his head-piece, wondering within myself whether they had shaved him at the asylum.

"Ah, that's comfortable!" said he at last; and he drew his chair to the table, and helped himself to a considerable portion of the pie, which he covered profusely with red pepper.

Little conversation pa.s.sed during the meal. My companion ate voraciously, filling up every little pause that occurred by a groan or a sigh, whose vehemence and depth were strangely in contrast with his enjoyment of the good cheer. When the supper was over, and the waiter had placed fresh gla.s.ses, and with that gentle significance of his craft had deposited the decanter, in which a spoonful of sherry remained, directly in front of me, Mr. Yellowley looked at me for a moment, threw up his eyebrows, and with an air of more _bonhomie_ than I thought he could muster, said,--

"You will have no objection, I hope, to a little warm brandy and water."

"None whatever; and the less, if I may add a cigar."

"Agreed," said he.

These ingredients of our comfort being produced, and the waiter having left the room, Mr. Yellowley stirred the fire into a cheerful blaze, and, nodding amicably towards me, said,--

"Your health, sir; I should like to have added your name."

"Tramp,--Tilbury Tramp," said I, "at your service." I would have added Q. C, as the couriers took that lately; but it leads to mistakes, so I said nothing about it.

"Mr. Tramp," said my companion, while he placed one hand in his waistcoat, in that att.i.tude so favored by John Kemble and Napoleon. "You are a young man?"

"Forty-two," said I, "if I live till June."

"You might be a hundred and forty-two, sir."

"Lord bless you!" said I, "I don't look so old."

"I repeat it," said he, "you might be a hundred and forty-two, and not know a whit more about them."

"Here we are," thought I, "back on the monomania."

"You may smile," said he, "it was an ungenerous insinuation. Nothing was farther from my thoughts; but it's true,--they require the study of a lifetime. Talk of Law or Physic or Divinity; it's child's play, sir.

Now, you thought that young girl was asleep."

"Why, she certainly looked so."

"Looked so," said he, with a sneer; "what do I look like? Do I look like a man of sense or intelligence?"

"I protest," said I, cautiously, "I won't suffer myself to be led away by appearances; I would not wish to be unjust to you."

"Well, sir, that artful young woman's deception of you has preyed upon me ever since; I was going on to Walmer to-night, but I could n't leave this without seeing you once more, and giving you a caution."

"Dear me. I thought nothing about it. You took the matter too much to heart."

"Too much to heart," said he, with a bitter sneer; "that's the cant that deceives half the world. If men, sir, instead of undervaluing these small and apparently trivial circ.u.mstances, would but recall their experiences, chronicle their facts, as Bacon recommended so wisely, we should possess some safe data to go upon, in our estimate of that deceitful s.e.x."

"I fear," said I, half timidly, "you have been ill-treated by the ladies?"

A deep groan was the only response.

"Come, come, bear up," said I; "you are young, and a fine-looking man still" (he was sixty, if he was an hour, and had a face like the figure-head of a war-steamer).

"I will tell you a story, Mr. Tramp," said he, solemnly,--"a story to which, probably, no historian, from Polybius to Hoffman, has ever recorded a parallel. I am not aware, sir, that any man has sounded the oceanic depths of that perfidious gulf,--a woman's heart; but I, sir, I have at least added some facts to the narrow stock of our knowledge regarding it. Listen to this:"--

I replenished my tumbler of brandy and water, looked at my watch, and, finding I still had two hours to spare, lent a not unwilling ear to my companion's story.