Tales From the Vulgar Unicorn Part 21

The man with the gloves and brown walking stick hurried through the door and turned left; had he not, Hanse would have called. The fellow had no time for anything before Hanse sent the vinegar sloshing within his hood.

'Ah!' Naturally the man ducked his head as the liquid drenched him and entered both eyes. Since he was not blind and not accustomed to carrying a staff as a part of him, he dropped it to rush both hands to his face. Hanse swallowed hard before s.n.a.t.c.hing up the stick by its handle. He kicked the moaning fellow in the knee-cap, and ran. The G.o.d-weapon seemed hummingly alive in his hand, so much that he wanted to throw it down and keep running. He did not, and it exerted no other effect on him. Just around the corner he paused for an importuning beggar, who soon had the gift of a nice brown, cowled robe. Since it was thrown over him as he sat, he never saw the generous giver. He had been swallowed by the shadows once the beggar got his head free of the enc.u.mbering woollen.

'Here, you little lizard, where do you think you're running to, hah?'

That from the brutish swaggering desert tradesman who grabbed at Hanse as he ran by. Well, he was not of the city, and did not know who he laid big hand on. Nor was he likely to aught but hie himself out of Sanctuary, once he returned to normal - doubtless robbed. Besides, a test really should be made to be sure, and Hanse poked him.

This was the staff of ensorcelment, all right.

Hurrying on his way, Hanse began to smile.

He had the stick and the murdering thief who had used it on him would not be too nimble for a long, long time, and the robe he had snitched off a drying line was in the possession of a beggar who would be needing it in a few months, and Hanse had his little message from the prince-governor. It avowed - so Hanse was told, as he did not read - that 'he you specify shall lend full aid in the endeavour you specify, provided it is legal in full, in return for your returning another wand to us'.

Hanse had laughed when he read that last; even a prince had a sense of humour and could allude to Hanse's having stolen his Savankh, rod of authority, less than a month ago. And now Shadowsp.a.w.n would have the aid of big strong super legal Tempus in regaining two bags of silver coin from a well up in the supposedly haunted ruins of Eaglenest. Hanse hoped Prince Kadakithis would appreciate the humour in that, too: the bagged booty had come from him, as ransom for the official baton of his imperial authority in Sanctuary. Even Tempus's krrf had brought in a bit of silver.

And now ... Hanse's grin broadened. Suppose he just went about a second illicit entry of the palace? Suppose a blind man showed up among the swarm of alms seekers to be admitted into the courtyard two days hence, in accord with Kadakithis's people wooing custom? Shadowsp.a.w.n would not only hand this awful staff to the prince-governor, he would at the same time provide ., graphic demonstration of the palace's pitiable security.

Unfortunately, Tempus had taken charge of security. The hooded blind beggar was challenged at the gate two days thence, and the h.e.l.l Hound Quag suspiciously s.n.a.t.c.hed the staff from him. When the disguised Hanse objected, he was struck with it. Well, at least that way it was proven that he had brought the right stick in good faith, and that way he did get to spend a night in the palace, however unpleasant in his state of terror.

TO GUARD THE GUARDIANS.

By Robert Lynn Asprin

The h.e.l.l Hounds were now a common sight in Sanctuary so the appearance of one in the bazaar created little stir, save for the concealment of a few smuggled wares and a price increase on everything else. However, when two appeared together, as they did today, it was enough to silence casual conversation and draw uneasy stares, though the more observant vendors noted that the pair were engrossed in their own argument and did not even glance at the stalls they were pa.s.sing.

'But the man has offended me...' the darker of the pair snarled.

'He offends everyone,' his companion countered, 'it's his way. I tell you, Razkuli, I've heard him say things to the prince himself that would have other men flayed and blinded. You're a fool to take it personally.'

'But, Zalbar...'

'I know, I know - he offends you; and Quag bores you and Arman is an arrogant braggart. Well, this whole town offends me, but that doesn't give me the right to put it to the sword. Nothing Tempus has said to you warrants a blood feud.'

'It is done.' Razkuli thrust one fist against his other palm as * they walked.

'It is not done until you act on your promise, and if you do /'// move to stop you. I won't have the men in my command killing each other.'

The two men walked silently for several moments, each lost in his own dark thoughts.

'Look, my friend,' Zalbar sighed, 'I've already had one of my men killed under scandalous circ.u.mstances. I don't want to answer for another incident particularly if it involves you. Can't you see Tempus is trying to goad you into a fight? - a fight you can't win.'

'No one lives that I've seen over an arrow,' Razkuli said ominously, his eyes narrowing on an imaginary target.

'Murder, Razkuli? I never thought I'd see the day you'd sink to being an a.s.sa.s.sin.'

There was a sharp intake of breath and Razkuli faced his comrade with eyes that showed a glint of madness. Then the spark faded and the small man's shoulders relaxed. 'You're right, my friend,' he said, shaking his head, 'I would never do that. Anger speeds my tongue ahead of reason.'

'As it did when you vowed blood-feud. You've survived countless foes who were mortal; don't try the favour of the G.o.ds by seeking an enemy who is not.'

'Then the rumours about Tempus are true?' Razkuli asked, his eyes narrowing again.

'I don't know, there are things about him which are difficult to explain by any other logic. Did you see how rapidly his leg healed? We both know men whose soldiering career was ended after they were caught under a horse - yet he was standing duty again within the week.'

'Such a man is an affront against Nature.'

'Then let Nature take vengeance on him,' Zalbar laughed, clapping a friendly hand on his comrade's shoulder, 'and free us for more worthwhile pastimes.

Come, I'll buy you lunch. It will be a pleasant change from barracks food.'

Haakon, the sweetmeats vendor, brightened as the two soldiers approached him and waited patiently while they made their selections from his spiced-meat turnovers.

'That will be three coppers,' he smiled through yellowed teeth. 'Three coppers?'

Razkuli exclaimed angrily, but Zalbar silenced him with a nudge in the ribs.

'Here, fellow...' the h.e.l.l-Hound commander dropped some coins into Haakon's outstretched hand, 'take four. Those of us from the Capitol are used to paying full value for quality goods -though I suppose that this far from civilization you have to adjust the prices to accommodate the poorer folk.'

The barb went home and Zalbar was rewarded by a glare of pure hatred before he turned away, drawing Razkuli with him. 'Four coppers! You were being overcharged at three!'

'I know.' Zalbar winked. 'But I refuse to give them the satisfaction of haggling. I find it's worth the extra copper to see their faces when I imply that they're selling below value - it's one of the few pleasures available in this h.e.l.lhole.'

'I never thought of it that way,' Razkuli said with a laugh, 'but you're right.

My father would have been livid if someone deliberately overpaid him. Do me a favour and let me try it when we buy the wine.'

Razkuli's refusal to bargain brought much the same reaction from the wineseller.

The dark mood of their conversation as they had entered the bazaar had vanished and they were ready to eat with calm humour.

'You provided the food and drink, so I'll provide the setting,' Razkuli declared, tucking the wine-flask into his belt. 'I know a spot which is both pleasant and relaxing.'

'It must be outside the city.'

'It is, just outside the Common Gate. Come on, the city won't miss our presence for an hour or so.'

Zalbar was easily persuaded though more from curiosity than belief. Except for occasional patrols along the Street of Red Lanterns he rarely got outside Sanctuary's North Wall and had never explored the area to the northwest where Razkuli. was leading him.

It was a different world here, almost as if they had stepped through a magic portal into another land. The buildings were scattered, with large open s.p.a.ces between them, in contrast to the cramped shops and narrow alleys of the city proper. The air was refreshingly free from the stench of unwashed bodies jostling each other in crowded streets. Zalbar relaxed in the peaceful surround . ings. The pressures of patrolling the hateful town slipped away like a heavy cloak, allowing him to look forwards to an uninterrupted meal in pleasant company.

'Perhaps you could speak to Tempus? We needn't like each other, but if he could find another target for his taunts, it would do much towards easing my hatred.'

Zalbar shot a wary glance at his comrade, but detected none of the blind anger which he had earlier expressed. The question seemed to be an honest attempt on Razkuli's part to find a corn-promise solution to an intolerable situation.

'I would, if I thought it would help,' he sighed reluctantly, 'but I fear I have little influence on him. If anything, it would only make matters worse. He would redouble his attacks to prove he wasn't afraid of me either.'

'But you're his superior officer,' Razkuli argued.

'Officially, perhaps,' his friend shrugged, 'but we both know there are gaps between what is official and what is true. Tempus has the Prince's ear. He's a free agent here and follows my orders only when it suits him.'

'You've kept him out of the Aphrodesia House...'

'Only because I had convinced the prince of the necessity of maintaining the good will of that House before Tempus arrived,' Zalbar countered, shaking his head. 'I had to go to the prince to curb Tempus's ill-conduct and earned his hatred for it. You notice he still does what he pleases at the Lily Garden - and the prince looks the other way. No, I wouldn't count on my influence over Tempus. I don't think he would physically attack me because of my position in the Prince's bodyguard. I also don't think he would come to my aid if I were hard-pressed in a fight.'

Just then Zalbar noticed a small flower garden nestled beside a . house not far from their path. A man was at work in the garden, watering and pruning. The sight created a sudden wave of nostalgia in the h.e.l.l Hound. How long had it been since he stood outside the Emperor's Palace in the Capitol, fighting boredom by watching the gardeners pampering the flowered grounds? It seemed like a lifetime. Despite the fact that he was a soldier by profession, or perhaps because he was a soldier, he had always admired the calm beauty of flowers.

'Let's eat there ... under that tree,' he suggested, indicating a spot with a view of the garden. 'It's as good a place as any.' Razkuli hesitated, glancing at the gardened house and started to say something, then shrugged and veered towards the tree. Zalbar saw the mischievous smile flit briefly across his comrade's face, but ignored it, preferring to contemplate the peaceful garden instead.

The pair dined in the manner of hardened, but off-duty, campaigners. Rather than facing each other, or sitting side-by-side, the two a.s.sumed back-to-back positions in the shade of a spreading tree. The earthenware wine-flask was carefully placed to one side, but in easy reach of both. Not only did the arrangement give them a full circle of vision to ensure that their meal would be uninterrupted, it also allowed a brief illusion of privacy for the individual a rare commodity to those whose profession required that every moment be shared with at least a dozen colleagues. To further that illusion they ate in silence.

Conversation would be neither attempted nor tolerated until both were finished with their meal. It was the stance of men who trusted each other completely.

Although his position allowed him a clear view of the flower garden, Zalbar found his thoughts wandering back to his earlier conversation with Razkuli. Part of his job was to maintain peace among the h.e.l.l Hounds, at least to a point where their personal differences did not interfere with the performance of their duties. To that end he had soothed his friend's ruffled feathers and forestalled any open fighting within the force ... for the time being, at least. With peace thus preserved, Zalbar could admit to himself that he agreed wholeheartedly with Razkuli.

Loudmouthed bullies were nothing new in the army, but Tempus was a breed apart.

As a devout believer in discipline and law, Zalbar was disgusted and appalled by Tempus's att.i.tudes and conduct. What was worse, Tempus did have the prince's ear, so Zalbar was powerless to move against him despite the growing rumours of immoral and illegal conduct.

The h.e.l.l Hound's brow furrowed as he reflected upon the things he had heard and seen. Tempus openly used krrf, both on duty and off. He was rapidly building a reputation for brutality and sadism among the not easily shocked citizens of Sanctuary. There were even rumours that he was methodically hunting and killing the blue-masked sell-swords employed by the exgladiator, Jubal.

Zalbar had no love for that crime-lord who traded in slaves to mask his more illicit activities, but neither could he tolerate a h.e.l.l Hound taking it upon himself to be judge and executioner. But he had been ordered by the prince to allow Tempus free rein and was powerless to even investigate the rumours: a fine state of affairs when the law-enforcers became the lawbreakers and the lawgiver'

only moved to shelter them.

A scream rent the air, interrupting Zalbar's reverie and bringing him to his feet, sword in hand. As he cast about, searching for the source of the noise, he remembered he had heard screams like that before ... though not on any battlefield. It wasn't a scream of pain, hatred, or terror but the heartless, soulless sounds of one without hope and a.s.saulted by horror too great for the mind to comprehend.

The silence was completely shattered by a second scream and this time Zalbar knew the source was the beautifully gardened house. He watched in growing disbelief as the gardener calmly continued his work, not even bothering to look up despite the now frequent screams. Either the man was deaf or Zalbar himself was going mad, reacting to imaginary noises from a best-forgotten past. Turning to Razkuli for confirmation, Zalbar was outraged to find his friend not only still seated but grinning ear-to-ear.

'Now do you see why I was willing to pa.s.s this spot by?' the swarthy h.e.l.l Hound said with a laugh. 'Perhaps the next time I offer to lead you won't be so quick to exert your rank.'

'You were expecting this?' Zalbar demanded, unsoothed by Razkuli's humour.

'Of course, you should be thankful it didn't start until we were nearly finished with our meal.'

Zalbar's retort was cut off by a drawn out piercing cry that rasped against ear and mind and defied human endurance with its length.

'Before you go charging to the rescue,'' Razkuli commented, ignoring the now fading outburst of pain, 'you should know I've already looked into it. What you're hearing is a slave responding to its master's attentive care: a situation entirely within the law and therefore no concern of ours. It might interest you to know that the owner of that building is a ...'

'Kurd!' Zalbar breathed through taut lips, glaring at the house as if it were an arch-enemy.

'You know him?'

'We met once, back at the Capitol. That's why he's here ... or at least why he's not still there.'

'Then you know his business?' Razkuli scowled, a bit deflated that his revelations were no surprise. 'I'll admit I find it distasteful, but there's nothing we can do about it.'

'We'll see,' Zalbar announced darkly, starting towards the house.

'Where're you going?'

'To pay Kurd a visit.'

'Then I'll see you back at the barracks.' Razkuli shuddered. 'I've been inside that house once already, and I'll not enter again unless it's under orders.'

Zalbar made no note of his friend's departure though he did sheathe his sword as he approached the house. The impending battle would not require conventional weapons.

'Ho there!' he hailed the gardener. 'Tell your master I wish to speak with him.'

'He's busy,' the man snarled, 'can't you hear?'

'Too busy to speak with one of the prince's personal guard?' Zalbar challenged, raising an eyebrow.

'He's spoken to them before and each time they've gone away and I've lost pay for allowing the interruption.'

'Tell him it's Zalbar...' the h.e.l.l Hound ordered, '...your master will speak with me, or would you like to deal with me in his stead?'

Though he made no move towards his weapons Zalbar's voice and stance convinced the gardener to waste no time. The gnome-like man abandoned his ch.o.r.es to disappear into the house.

As he waited Zalbar surveyed the flowers again, but knowledge of Kurd's presence had ruined his appreciation of floral beauty. Instead of lifting his spirits, the bright blossoms seemed a horrifying incongruity, like viewing a gaily coloured fungus growing on a rotting corpse.

As Zalbar turned away from the flowers, Kurd emerged into the daylight. Though it had been five years since they had seen each other, the older man was sufficiently unchanged that Zalbar recognized him instantly: the stained dishevelled dress of one who sleeps in his clothes, the unwashed, unkempt hair and beard, as well as the cadaverously thin body with its long skeletal fingers and pasty complexion. Clearly Kurd had not discontinued his habit of neglecting his own body in the pursuit of his work.

'Good day ... citizen,' the h.e.l.l Hound's smile did not disguise the sarcasm poisoning his greeting.

'It is you,' Kurd declared, squinting to study the other's features. 'I thought we were done with each other when I left Ranke.'

'I think you shall continue to see me until you see fit to change your occupation.'

'My work is totally within the limits of the law.' The thin man bristled, betraying, for a moment, the strength of will hidden in his outwardly feeble body.

'So you said in Ranke. I still find it offensive, without redeeming merit.'

'Without redeeming...' Kurd shrieked, then words failed him. His lips tightened, he seized Zalbar by the arm and began pulling him towards the house. 'Come with me now,' he instructed. 'Let me show you my work and explain what I am doing.

Perhaps then you will be able to grasp the importance of my studies.'

In his career Zalbar had faced death in many guises and done it unflinchingly.

Now, however, he drew back in horror.

'I ... That won't be necessary,' he insisted.

'Then you continue to blindly condemn my actions without allowing me a fair hearing?' Kurd pointed a bent, bony finger at the h.e.l.l Hound, a note of triumph in his voice.