Takeoff. Part 33

(Chorus) Spoken: Flee hence?

Spoken: Uh-fly hence?

(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Ly-hence!

Now to blast their hopes asunder, They find that they must go under Neath a mountain, where a troll Lurks in his disgusting hole.

They kill him and head towards their goal; Holger says, "Now, bless my soul, That was worse than fighting giants."

(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Liants!

Now, though it's no place for women, They come to church of St. Grimmin.

Round the altar they all flock: Holger pries up big stone block There is sword beneath the rock; Holger says, "Now, this I grok!

We found it, though surrounded by haunts."

(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Ly-haunts!

End of story! Jesu Christe!

Seems to me it's kind of misty.

He should be belted and earled, But through s.p.a.ce-time he is hurled, And, un-knighted and un-girled, He ends up in our own dull world.

His future's vague as that of Zion's.

(Chorus) Three Red Hearts and Three Gold Lions!

JOHN W. CAMBELL'S.

"WHO GOES THERE?".

By Randall Garrett

John Campbell had his first story published in 1931, in the old Hugo Gernsback Amazing Stories. During the next seven years, he not only began to rival E. E. Smith as a writer of far-out s.p.a.ce opera, but, under the pen name "Don A. Stuart," wrote some very perceptive and sensitive stories in quite another style. He became editor of Astounding in 1938, and wrote very little thereafter except for his thought-provoking land often just plain provoking) editorials for the magazine.

Who Goes There? was published in 1938 under the Stuart byline, and when I first read it, I didn't know Stuart was Campbell. What I did know is that it scared the daylights out of me. It still does.

A very bad movie called The Thing from Outer s.p.a.ce was presumably based on it about 1950, but the resemblance was slight. James Arness stalked through it, looking like a cross between Frankenstein's monster and a triffid, and bearing no similarity whatever to Campbell's horror.

When I showed this verse to John, his only comment was: "Well, it's a h.e.l.l of a lot better than The Thing."

Here's a tale of chilling horror For the sort of guy who more or Less thinks being an explorer Is the kind of life for him.

If he finds his life a bore, he Ought to read this gory story, For he'll find exploratory Work is really rather grim.

For the story starts by stating That some guys investigating The Antarctic are debating On exactly what to do With a monster they've found frozen Near the campsite they have chose, And the quarrel grows and grows, un- Til they're in an awful stew.

There's a guy named Blair who wants to r- Eally check up on this monster And dissect it. To his conster- Nation, everyone's in doubt.

So, of course, he starts in pleading, And the rest of them start heeding All his statements, and conceding That the Thing should be thawed out.

So they let this Thing of evil Start to melt from its primeval Sheath of ice; they don't perceive a l- Ot of trouble will ensue.

When the Thing is thawed, it neatly Comes to life, and smiling sweetly, It absorbs some men completely, Changing them to monsters, too!

Now we reach the story's nub, il Luminating all the trouble; Each new monster is a double For the men they each replace.

Since it seems a man's own mother Couldn't tell one from the other, These guys all watch one another, Each with fear upon his face.

And so then the men are tested To see who has been digested, And who's been left unmolested, But the test don't work! It's hexed!

So each man just sits there, shrinking From the others, madly thinking, As he watches with unblinking Gaze, and wonders-Who Goes Next?

Now, they've found that executing Monsters can't be done by shooting; They require electrocuting, Or cremation with a torch.

When they find these Things, they grab 'em; They don't try to shoot or stab 'em; With high-voltage wires, they jab 'em 'Til their flesh begins to scorch.

So the entire expedition Eye each other with suspicion, For they're in a bad position, And there's no denying that!

Now, to clear this awful scramble, The ingenious Mr. Campbell, Suddenly, without preamble, Pulls a rabbit from the hat.

Here's the way they solve the muddle: They discover that a puddle Of a pseudo-human's blood'll Be a little monster, too!

With this test for separating Men from monsters, without waiting, They start right in liquidating All the monsters in the crew.

Thus, the story is completed.

And the awful Thing's defeated, But he still was badly treated; It's a shame, it seems to me.

Frozen since the glaciation, This poor Thing's extermination Is as sad as the cremation Of the hapless Sam McGee.

THE ADVENTURES OF "LITTLE WILLIE".

By Randall Garrett ZAP!.

Little Willie, full of fun, Borrowed Daddy's proton gun; He tried it out with great elation Now he's cosmic radiation.

BLAZE OF GLORY.

Little Willie made a slip While landing in his rocket ship.

See that bright, actinic glare?

That's our little Willie there.

HOT ARGUMENT.

Willie and his girl friend, Bea, While working for the A.E.C.

Got in a fight, and failed to hear The warning of a bomb test near.

Their friends were sad to hear, no doubt, That they had had a falling out.

INTRODUCTION TO.

BENEDICT BREADFRUIT.

By Grendel Briarton

In 2041, Ferdinand Feghoot successfully sponsored the perpetrator of these puns for membership in the exclusive Time Travellers Club, at their opulent rooms in King Charles III Street in London. He brought him in through the J ( connecting the club rooms with any number of centuries, and presented him to the Members.

Old Dr. Gropius Volkswagen looked at him dubiously. "Why should we make him a Member?" he grumbled. "He does not even look as if he has genius!"

"I a.s.sure you," Feghoot said, "that he has. His puns are even more atrocious than mine. He is a dedicated writer-a veritable pen-addict."

"Maybe it is so," growled the old gentleman, "but)low do we know he is a good, solid citizen?"

"I will vouch for him," Feghoot declared. "For generations, his whole family have emphasized their traditions and history .They have all been bred for roots."

"My dear fellow," put in the Club's president, Vice-Admiral Sir Trumpery Buckett, "is all this on the basis of your own intimate knowledge?"

"Absolutely!" said Ferdinand Feghoot. " After all, he was conceived in our garret!"

".Read 'em and weep.

THROUGH TIME AND s.p.a.cE.

WITH BENEDICT BREADFRUIT.

By Randall Garrett

I.

On the ancient planet of Phogiu II, the natives were in a terrible tizzy. Their local G.o.d-a huge, intelligent lichen which covered a fifth of the habitable surface of Phogiu II, was dying. Naturally, they sent for Benedict Breadfruit. He took one look at the lichen and said: "It is obvious that the fungi part of this intelligent symbiotic organism is in good health. The other part, however-"

He gave it a shot of vitamins and a chlorophyll pill. The Great Lichen immediately spruced up and began delivering its deep p.r.o.nunciamentos with the proper punctilio.

"What was wrong with it?" asked one of the natives.

"Nothing serious," said Benedict Breadfruit. "All it needed was an algae b.u.t.tress."

II.

The accepted method for removing s.p.a.ce lice from the hull of a ship was by sandblasting, but the boys around the s.p.a.ce docks noticed that Benedict Breadfruit's shiny hull was not pitted either by s.p.a.ce lice or by sandblasting. Breadfruit used hydrogen cyanide to remove the pests, but he had never told anyone about it.

"Come, Breadfruit," said one of the s.p.a.ceport officials, "Tell us how you remove your burden of pediculous pests!"

Breadfruit gestured at his HCN generator. "I gas 'em off."