Swingin Round the Cirkle Part 8

A Dream.--The Corpse of Republicanism.--Who the Mourners were, and how they felt.--The awakening of the Sleeping Giant, and the Scattering that followed.

CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), March 30, 1866.

I hev bin to Washinton. That Ablishn Postmaster at the Corners hed become to me a nitemare. Day after day I seed him a handlin guvment money, drawin his salery promptly, and takin his drinks reglerly, while I, a Constooshnel Dimekrat, a supporter uv our great and good President, wuz forced to the humiliashun uv waitin till I wuz treated, ceptin when a new grocery keeper c.u.m in, which gave me a chance to establish a credit for a short time. I felt that sumthin must be done, and therefore I went to Washinton.

Knowin that for men uv my profound convickshins, holdin my views ez to consiliashen and sich, I hed no call to go to the Postmaster-General, who is a Ablishnist, I went dreckly to the Second Jaxon hisself. I succeeded in gettin a audience late in the afternoon. Our patron saint wuz a sittin at a table, eggsausted with receevin delegashens and sich.

"Well," sed he.

"Honerd and spected sir," said I, "I am a applicant for the post orfis at Confedrit Roads, wich is at present held by a Ablishnist who does not beleeve in yoor policy, wich I do beleeve in solemnly. Spected and honered sir," sed I, "ef I shood have twins born to me this nite, I shood name em both Policy."

"Wich State are yoo from?" sed he, half asleep.

"From Kentucky, honered and spected sir," sed I.

"Well," sed he, yawnin feerfully, and turnin to a clerk, "FILL OUT A PARDON, AND GIVE HIM A COMMISSION!"

"Honered and spected sir," sed I, in a fit of loonacy for wich I can't account, "I don't need a pardon. I wuz never in the late lamented Confedrit servis."

"What'n thunder, then, are yoo here for, beggin a post offis? Git out, yoo imposter!" and I wuz too wunst ignominiously showed to the door. I didn't quite understand the lay uv the land around the White House.

In vane I tried to git back, that I might convince him I did ez much for the Confederasy ez my humble abilities permitted, and that I needed consiliatin ez badly ez anybody. Then, hart broke and dead broke, not heving the wherewith to prokoor more sootable lodgin, I lay me down on the cold stun steps, and sought refuge from my troubles in sleep.

I dreemed a dream. Methawt I wuz in a room in the White House. Stretched out on one side uv the room wuz the corpse uv a giant, a monster in size and strength, but withal uv a pleasin presence, and fair to look upon.

Onto its head was a liberty cap, and by its side wuz a sword, considerably dinted, and with all the gildin knocked off.

"Wat is these?" sed I, pointin to the corpse, askin a sort uv a attendant.

"Them," replied he, "is the defunct carca.s.s uv Republikinism. He was a hefty yooth in his day, but he died this mornin. Look! the mourners are a comin to divide his clothes."

And shoor enuff, they came in. At the head wuz the second Jaxon, which the Ablishnists derisively call Moses, who appeared to be angry, and clost behind him wuz Seward, a weepin out uv one eye, and a smilin out uv tother, and Jim Lane, who hed a handkercher wich he occasionally put to his eyes, but wich I notist wuz ez dry ez a lime kiln, and Doolittle, and Lee, and Raymond, and Beauregard, and Cowan, and Stephens, and Thurlow Weed, and Vallandigham, and Governor Sharkey, and a host uv others, all uv wich ranged theirselves around the bier.

"He wuz a promisin yooth," sed Seward, a puttin his handkercher to his eyes, "but the atmosphere uv the White House wuz too much for him. I insist, however," sed he, a pocketin the handkercher, and takin hold uv a trinket the corpse held in his hand, labelled "Presidency, 1868," from which hung mor'n a million uv smaller trinkets, "that ez 'twas me that pizened him, this is mine."

"Nary," sed Johnson; "I did the biziness for him, and it's mine."

"Settle it ez yoo please," sed Raymond, gently, "but whoever gits it must remember that this Secretaryship is mine."

"And I," sed Doolittle, "must hev, for my a.s.sistance, this little affair marked 'St. James,' for my seat in the Senit is a goner."

"For my part," sed Jim Lane, "the western appointments is mine. Its worth em all to wear this collar."

"My friends," sed Stephens, "I find no amnesty about the corpse. There must be one manufactured and stuck in his pocket, to be prodoost at the funeral."

Thurlow Weed sed nothin, but looked on with a sardonic smile, knowin perf.e.c.kly well that whoever took the biggest part uv the plunder, he'd control it, any way.

Governor Sharkey laid claim to a secretaryship, and Boregard to the place uv Sherman, and Lee to Grant's position, and Vallandigham wanted this, and tother feller that, and there wuz a terrible hubbub over the corpse. Wilkes Booth's gost came in, and wanted to know what he wuz to hev in the new deal, "for," sed he, "ef't hadn't bin for me, where'd yoo all hev bin? Talk uv the White House atmosphere killin him! I'm sure the shadder uv the buildin blasted what little uv his spirit yoo hed," sed he, a turnin to Seward, "but ef Linkin hed lived, ha, ha!" sed he, in a tragedy voise. Then in trooped a lot uv other gosts. There wuz Bill Allen, uv Ohio, and Washington Hunt, uv Noo York, and Jeems Bookannon, uv Pennsylvania, and Eli Thayer, and Lew. Campbell, and Garret Davis, who started to make a speech, but the entire a.s.semblage stuck their fingers in their ears, wich hint he took for the first time in his life, and desisted.

Finally Johnson swore "by the eternal" (he got that noshun from the first A.J., wich he thinks he resembles, coz his innitials is the same, and coz the original vetoed a bill wunst) that he wood hev the Presidency, and gobbled it. Seward, he s.n.a.t.c.hed at it, and they tussled.

The company stood by to see it out, for it made but little difference to them wich got it. In the skrimage Johnson happened to ram Seward up agin a window on the north side uv the room, and smashed it out. Jest then a blast uv north wind poured into the room through the aperture, and blowed onto the face uv the corpse. The effect was electrikle. Life ran through his veins, his face flushed, and the livid hue was changed to the ruddy glow uv health. The dead wuz alive; the giant raised to his feet, and looked around him, shakin off them ez wuz a hangin to him like ins.e.x. Noticin the trinket wich hed caused the skrimage in Johnson's hand, he took him by the neck, and twistin it out uv his hand, flung him gently through the winder. "I ain't made up my mind who to give this to, but yoo bet it ain't yoo," sed he.

"w.i.l.l.yum," sed he, turnin to Seward, "I'm surprised at yoo. Wuz this bauble the price uv yoor honesty and yoor principle? Go, w.i.l.l.yum! Ez for yoo, Doolittle, yoo never wuz half baked; yoo, Thurlow, put Raymond in your vest pocket, and quit the presence. Yoo, Jim Lane, I leave to the tender mercies uv my friends in Kansas. Clear out the balance uv this rabble, and send for my friends. I've bin pizened, and smothered, and stunk nigh to death. Clear out the house, and sweep it, and sprinkle chloride uv lime; and sich, all over it. Shut down them Southern windows, and open those on the North, East, and West sides. I want a snuff uv fresh air, for I--"

At this pint I awoke, and found myself, not in the White House, but on the steps thereof, cold and shiverin. In my pocket wuz the papers wich didn't get me the post orifis I wuz seekin, and in my mind wuz chaotic confusion. Wuz the dream prophetic, or wuz it merely a vagary uv the mind, wich, wen loosed from its clay, sores off onto its own hook, without any restraint. Is the giant Republican actually dead, or is he in a trance? Will it arise, and scatter them ez hez appinted themselves administrators uv its estate, and wich are beginnin to divide the a.s.sets, or will he stay ded? Wood, oh wood, that I knowed!

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XVII.

A Kentucky Tea Party.--Opinion entertained by Mrs. Deacon Pogram of Charles Sumner.--Discussion between Mrs. Deacon P. and an Illinois Store-keeper of the name of Pollock.--Miscegenation.

CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), April 1, 1866.

Charles Sumner is not a very popular man in this section uv Kentucky; on the contrary, quite the reverse. He is known here ez an Ablishnist; ez one who is a chief supporter uv that hidjus sin--the infidelity, I may say, for a man may ez well deny the whole Bible ez to cast discredit upon Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham, onto wich the whole system uv Afrikin slavery rests--the origenator, therefore, uv the infidle beleef that Slavery is not uv divine origin, wich, judgin from the experience uv the last five years, appears to be gainin ground in the North. He is not, therefore, popular in this region.

Yisterday I attendid a tea party at Deekin Pogram's, to wich the elite uv the Corners wuz present, incloodin an Illinoy store-keeper uv the name uv Pollock, wich hed bin invited because the Deekin hed, some three months ago, bought a bill uv goods uv him on ninety days' time, and wantid an extension.

While at the table enjoyin the

"Cup wich cheers, but don't intoxicate very much,"

ez Dryden hez it, tho I bleeve, to keep off chills, in this country, they mix three and a half parts uv whiskey to one uv tea, the name uv Sumner wuz mentioned.

Mrs. Pogram to-wunst remarked that she didn't want the name uv that ojus creecher spoken at her table.

"Why?" sed I, gratified at the ebulition.

"I hate him!" sed she, spitefully.

"So do I," replied I; "but what hev yoo agin him, aside from his obnoxious political opinions?"

"Didn't he marry a n.i.g.g.e.r?" sed Mrs. P., triumphantly. "Didn't he marry a n.i.g.g.e.r--a full-blooded n.i.g.g.e.r? and hezn't he hed nineteen yaller children, every one uv wich he compelled, agin their will, to marry full-blooded n.i.g.g.e.rs? Didn't he--"

"Mrs. P.," sed this Illinoy store-keeper, wich his name it wuz Pollock, "do yoo object to miscegenation?"

"Missee--what?" replied she, struck all uv a heap at the word.

"Miscegenation--amalgamation--marryin whites with n.i.g.g.e.rs."

"Do I?" retorted she; "ketch a son uv mine marryin a n.i.g.g.e.r! They are another race; they'r beasts; and who'd marry em but jist sich men ez Sumner and them other Ablishnists?"

"Then permit me to ask," sed this Pollock, wich wuz bound to kick up a muss, "ef ther's any race uv pure blood in this section uv Kentucky, wich is yaller?"

"No! uv course not," sed Mrs. P.; "them yaller people is mulatters--half n.i.g.g.e.r, half white."