Swingin Round the Cirkle Part 6

SONNIT

Onto a Soldier, wich wuz wunst a Dimekrat, but is now a howlin Ablishnist, wich I saw a limpin about on one Leg, hevin left the other at Anteetam.

Bloo-koted monster! thou wentest forth Armed with thy rifle and sharp-pinted bayonet, Whose peeked eend with Southern blood is wet: I hate thee, tool and minyun uv the North!

Thou wast a Dimekrat: them kote and pants, The wavin flag, the gun with peeked eend, Turned yoo into a Abolishn feend, Who sucked the blood uv Dimekratic saints.

Monster unnachral! by n.i.g.g.e.rism hatched, Thousands and more uv Dimokrats yoo've slain, Who'll never rally to the poles again To vote, ez wunst they did, a tikkit all unskratched.

Avant! the work yoo did our party is undoin: To us yoor kote uv bloo is jest bloo rooin!

XI.

The Situation.--The Attempt of the President to wheedle Democrats into Supporting his Policy without giving them the Offices commented upon.--The Democracy warned.

CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), February 15, 1866.

I hev had hopes uv Androo Johnson. My waitin sole hez bin centred onto him for a year back. He wuz the Moses wich I spected wood lead the Democrisy out uv the desolate Egypt into which we hev bin making bricks without straw for five long weary and dreary years. O, how I hev yearned for Johnson! O, how I hev waited, day after day, and week after week, and month after month, for some manifestation uv Dimocrisy wich is satisfactory--suthin tangible--suthin that I cood take hold on.

Faith is the substance uv things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen; wich is all right so fur ez religion ez concerned, but uv no account in politix. A friend uv mine, who wuz a monomaniack on the subjick uv faith, undertook to live on it, under the insane belief that ef a man had faith pork wuz unnecessary. Wuz the experiment a success?

Not any. When he commenst the trial he weighed 200; in a week he wuz down to 125; and in fourteen days he slep in the valley!

I hev bin livin on faith for a year or more, and I too am thin. My bones show; light shines through me; I am faint and sick. Oh, for suthin that I can see and feel--suthin solid!

Our Dimocratic noosepapers are supportin Androo Johnson. They claim that his polisy is our polisy; that he is ourn, and we are hizn. They are singin hosanners to him. At his every act they exclaim Halleloogy! in chorus. What is it all about? In what partikeler hez Androo Johnson showed hisself to be a Dimokrat? In the name uv Dimocrisy let me ask, "WHERE IS THE OFFICES?" Who's got em? What is the politikle convickshuns uv the wretch who is post master at the Corners, and who only last nite refused, in the most heartless manner, to trust me for postage stamps?

Who is the Collectors, the a.s.sessors, et settry? Are they const.i.tooshnel Dimokrats? Is Stanton, and Seward, and Welles histed out uv the cabinet, and Vallandigum, and Brite, and Wood apinted in their places? Not onct.

Every post master, every collector, every a.s.sessor, every officer, is a ablishinist, dyed deeply and in fast colors.

Faith without works is a weak inst.i.tution; its like a whisky punch with the whisky omitted, wich is a disgustin mixter uv warm water and sugar.

What is it to me (who hev bin ready to accept any position uv wich the salary wuz sufficient to maintain a individooal uv simple habits) who is beheaded, so ez I don't get a place? Androo Johnson may cut off offishl heads ez dexterously and proofoosely ez he chooses; but my sole refuses to thrill when I know that Ablishnists, though uv a different stripe, will be apinted. So long ez Dimocrats are kept out, what care I who hez the places? Paul may plant and Apollus water; but uv what account is the plantin and waterin to me ef I don't get the increase? I take no delight in sich spectacles. Ef Androo Johnson proposes to be a Dimockrat,--ef he desires the honest, hearty support of the party,--let him seel his faith with works.

I visited Washington with the express purpose uv seein the second Jackson. I am a frank man, and I laid the matter afore him without hesitation. I told him that the Postmaster at the Corners wuz opposin his policy and aboosin him continually; that it wuz a outrage that men holdin place under the Administration should not sustain the Administration. In the name uv Right, I demanded a change.

I sposed that to wunst the position would be offered to me; and after protestin a sufficient time that I did not wish it, and would prefer the apintment of some more worthy man, I should accept it, and go home provided for three years. Imagine my deep, my unutterable disgust, when he told me that he wood investigate the matter, and probably wood make a change, PROVIDED HE COULD FIND, IN THE VICINITY, SOME ORIGINAL UNION MAN WHO WOULD ACCEPT THE PLACE!

Then the iron entered my soul. Then I felt that in him we had no lot nor part.

Our principles are uv a very comprehensive nature. We are willin to endorse Androo Johnson, or any other man. We will endorse his theories uv Reconstruction, or any man's theories. We are elastic, like Injy rubber. The boy who set a hen on a hundred eggs acknowledged to his maternal parent that she could not kiver em; but he remarked he wanted to see the old thing spred herself. We have that spreadin capacity. We kin accommodate the prejudices uv the people uv all the various localities. In Connecticut we are singin John Brown's body lies a mouldrin in the grave, in a modritly loud tone, and supporting a Ablishnist who voted for doin away with slavery in the District of Columby and for the Constooshnel Amendment. In Kentucky we are hangin men uv the John Brown style, and mobbin all uv the persuasion uv the Connecticut nominee. Sich a variety uv principle,--a party uv sich adaptability,--kin hev but one great central idee, on wich there is no diversity uv opinion, and to which all other ideas is subordinate. That idea is POST OFFICE! and ef Androo Johnson could be got rite on that question, we'd care not wat else he required uv us.

We hev our arms around Androo. We are huggin him to our buzzums; but he hez left his baggage to hum. That baggage is wat we want; and we shel fling him off shortly, onless he changes his policy in this respeck. He kin hev us on easy terms; but he must furnish the ammunishun with which to fight his battles. Will he do it? That's the question a hundred thousand hungry soles, who hanker even ez I do, are daily askin.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XII.

The President's 22d of February Speech.--The Account thereof of One behind the Scenes.--Hopes and Fears of the Democracy.

WASHINGTON, February 23, 1866.

I don't know; but there is a still small voice within me wich whispers, "All is well!" The delusive phantom, Hope, may be playin false with me.

The wish may be paternal parient to the thought, and I may be indulgin in a dream from wich I shel be, to-morrer, roodly awakened; but it's my opinion that the day-star uv glory hez arozen onto the Dimocracy; that our night uv gloom is over; and that, at larst, the Government, or at least the only part we care about,--the offisis,--is ourn. I heerd Androo Johnson speak last nite! I stood beside him! I helpt hold him up!

I SMELT HIS BREATH. It's all rite!

I hed hopes when he vetoed that large and varied a.s.sortment uv Ablishn abominashens,--the Freedmen's Burow bill,--notwithstandin there were pints in his message I coodent sanction. The veto wuz heavenly, but his reasons were unsound. When he expressed hisself ez bein determined upon sekoorin the n.i.g.g.e.rs in their rites, I felt fearful that there wuz a honist diffrence uv opinion atween him and Congress wich mite be settled, and then what wood become uv us? Ef the n.i.g.g.e.rs is to hev rites, in the name uv Heaven, I asked myself, what difference does it make to us whether they hev em by Charles Sumner's system (on whose head rest cusses!), or A. Johnson's? And ez is customary when men ask theirselves questions, I got no answer. Men never ask theirselves questions wich kin be answered.

But last nite my doubts wuz removed. Little Sam c.o.x, and Dan Voorhees, and the Woods, and Tom Florence, and Coyle, and me, hed bin with Androo all day. The Ablishnists avoided him after the veto; and knowin he'd done suthin he wuzn't quite shoor wuz wise, he needed bracin up, and we wuz ready to brace him. Isn't it singler that men, when they go to the devil, alluz go in squads? c.o.x hed him cornered all day, a readin to him extrax from Forney's Press, and choice selections from Sumner's speeches; and Voorhees and the others wuz a intimatin to him that only in the buzzum uv the Dimocrisy cood he find that conjeniality uv sperit so nessary to him; and by the time the serenade wuz ready, he wuz ez full uv venom ez wuz possible, and his capa.s.sity in that line is immense.

The company all went with him onto the stand, and my eyes saw the first cheerin vision wich they hev beheld for years. Before us stood ten thousand or more Dimocrats. There wuz the veteran from Lee's army in his soot uv gray, which hed, by continyood contact with the pavements uv Washington--wich, not hevin bin slept on much, sense Bookannon's time, they don't sweep--hed become somewhat uv the color uv the clay. There wuz the offiser who surrendered with Johnston, and them n.o.ble sons uv Baltimore, and Rawly, and Charleston, who, though they didn't serve their section in the field, were ardent in their support uv the cause.

There were the old-style Dimocrats uv the North, whose faith in Johnson's Dimocrisy, based upon the scene wich took place at the inauguration, wuz greater than mine, hed come on with their applications for Post Offises, and who jined so heartily in the cheers wich went up for J. Davis: and there, addressin this crowd, wuz a President--the man who had the appintin power in his hands--who cood make and unmake Post Offisis.

It did me good, and yet I doubtid. Wood he go through with it? Wood he lock horns with Wade and Sumner, and dare the wrath uv Thad Stevens?

Wood he? He wavered and shrunk back ez he saw the style uv the awdience before him; for he hed bin, for four years, accustomed to better dressed people. But c.o.x and Florence wuz ekal to the emergency. Samyooel whispered into his one ear, "Whitewash!" and Florence into tother, "Charles the I.!" and flamin up like a conflagratid oil well, he waded it. Then I felt that it wuz all right. Then my soul expanded; and ez he went on, pilin Billinsgate upon Billinsgate, usin Tennessee stump slang, improved by a liberal mixter uv the more desprit variety he hed picked up in Washinton and Baltimore, I felt that it wuz indeed well with us.

He wuz talkin ez a Dimokrat to Dimokrats; and it wuz appreciated.

Strippin off all uv the disguise he hed bin a wearin for four years,--washin off, in rage and whisky, the varnish and putty with wich he hed shined up his dullness, and filled up the cracks and cavities wich hed alluz troubled him,--he stood forth ez we knowd him--Androo Johnson! How he did froth and foam! How he did lash his late a.s.sociates!

and how those Dimokrats who k.u.m to Washinton with pet.i.tions for places in their pockets did wink at each other, and poke each other in the ribs, with exultation and jockelarity wich they cood not conceal! And how the Ablishnists, wich hung onto the outskirts uv the crowd, in the hope that he wood declare himself in sich a way ez to give em some hope, did walk away sorrowfully and sore, ez tho they felt that they hed a new trouble afore em! And how the soljers uv Lee, and the quartermasters wich hed made Richmond their headquarters doorin the war, did cheer and sling their hats into the air, and in the uncontrollable enthoosiasm uv the moment invariably s.n.a.t.c.h better ones from the heads uv the Northern men in the crowd! It wuz gorgus.

While His Eggslency's course gives me hope, I don't want it to be understood that I am prepared to fully and entirely indorse him. I don't go much on men who do things in a state uv madnis; neither do I invest heavy in that Dimokrat wich requires an extra load uv likker to make him act and talk like a Dimokrat. Androo Johnson was and is a Dimokrat--a ginooine Dimokrat. The accident uv his learnin to read, in his yooth, gave him a preeminence over us in Tennessee, and put him through the various places he hez filled. His affinities wuz with us; his style wuz our style, and his habits our habits; and he hed no biznis to ever git out uv the fold. I cannot forgit that he went back on us at a critikle time in the histry uv the party. He saw that the effort the Dimocrisy uv the South wuz makin to regain their rites wood be a failyoor; the aristocracy uv the South hed snubbed him, and refoozed to recognize him; but all this shood not hev affected him. It's the normal condishn uv the lower grade uv Dimokrats to be snubbed; and they hev no rite to inquire whether anything the aristocracy uv the party propose is goin to be a failyoor or not. It's their dooty to obey orders without questionin.

Wat spiled Johnson wuz Ma.s.sachoosits. He pretended to be loyal, and Ma.s.sachoosits patted him on the back. They took him into good society.

They let him a.s.sociate with Sumner and sich, and the man became infatooated. He got to drinkin high priced drinks, and wearin clean shirts, and begun to ape the manners uv those into whose sphere he hed bin thrown, There wuz these two opposin forces contendin within him--nateral proclivities and acquired tastes--wich may be represented by whiskey out uv a jug, and mint jooleps at Willard's. Ma.s.sychoosits wuz a pullin him up, and North Carolina wuz equally vigorously pullin him down. He wantid to stay with Ma.s.sychoosits, but he wuz uncomfortable all the time; and finally nacher a.s.serted her supremacy, and he broke over, and like the water long confined in a dam, when its bustid its obstructions, and goes, it goes with a loosenis, and tears up, and takes a very large quant.i.ty uv dirt and drift wood with it.

Before I tie myself to A.J., I want to know fer certin what he proposes to do. WHO IS TO HEV THE POST OFFISIS? Is Ablishnists to still retain the places uv trust and profit? Does he propose to organize a new party, made up uv sich Republikins ez he can indoose to foller him and the Dimocrisy? Ef so, I ain't in. Decidedly, I ain't in. Emphatically, count me out. For the reason, that he kin git jist enuff Republikins, percisely, and no more, to fill the offisis, and they will be uv sich a character ez will do the Dimokrisy no credit. I won't be tail to no kite. We are willin to play kite; but tail, never! Ef we boost Androo Johnson, Androo Johnson must boost us. Does he think we kin carry sich a load ez he is for nothin? Nary. Ef we hev a consoomin desire to git along without offisis, we are doin very well at that now, we thank you; and we haven't the responsibility uv the Administration uv a eggstremely shaky man to carry. Sich loads must be paid for.

But, after all, I hev hopes. He hez cut hisself loose from Sumner and Stevens; and in less than a week every Republikin uv modrit sensibilities will be aboozin uv him to that extent that he won't be able to git back agin. He's an animal uv the bull kind; and criticism and opposition is to him the red flag wich the Spanish matadors, I bleeve they call em, waves afore the animals they wish to infooriate, and they may drive him into our ranks.

I wait, and watch, and hope. Ef I kin wunst git a commission, with the broad seel uv the Postmaster General onto it, confirmin me in the possession uv the Post orifis at the Corners, I shel bless the day that Androo Johnson left us, and prokoored his elevation to the Presidency.

May the day be hastened!

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XIII.

Another Warning.--Profuse Expenditure of Powder and Torchlight Processions deprecated.--The President implored to show his Hand.

CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), February 29, 1866.

I notice, all over the North, the Democrisy is a firin guns, and marchin after bra.s.s bands, and hirin halls for endorsin Androo Johnson. Ez a sentinel on the watch-tower, I protest!