Swingin Round the Cirkle Part 16

_Resolved_, That the citizens uv the Southern States wich lost their lives, and legs, and sich, in the late unpleasantnesses wich hez bin referred to, ought to be placed on the pension rolls the same ez the Northern citizens who suffered likewise; and that the debt incurred by the South in upholdin things ez viewed from its stand-pint, is ent.i.tled to be paid the same ez the debt incurred by the North in upholdin things ez viewed from its stand-pint.

_Resolved_, That we are willin, for the sake uv harmony, to admit that Sherman and Grant were, all things considered, worthy uv bein ranked with Lee and Jackson.

_Resolved_, That the safety uv the Government demands that sich ez took part in the late unpleasantnis, from the Southern States, be to-wunst admitted to Congress, and to the other posishens wich they yoost to ornament, and that the more unpleasant they wuz doorin the trouble the more they ought to be admitted.

_Resolved_, That there shall be gushen confidences, we freely forgive the honored Secretary uv State for the too free use uv his little bell doorin the late unpleasantnis, believin that he viewed things from his own stand-pint instead uv somebody else's, wich alluz causes trouble.

At this pint His Eggslency, Andrew Johnson, supported by Secretary Wells on the wun side and Vice-President Stephens on one other, with Bukanan in front and Toombs behind, entered the hall. Sich a cheering I never heerd. Hats wuz slung into the air, and seats wuz torn up. Proudly they advanced up the aisle, treading, ez they went, onto a portrait uv Linkin wich a enthusiastic Connecticut delegate tore from the wall and throwd before em. They took their position on the stage, Gen. Buell holdin over em a Fedral flag, and Genral Henry A. Wise, uv Virginny, a Confedrit flag, both wavin em to the music uv two bands; one a playin Dixie, and the other Yankee Doodle.

At this pint methought the sperit uv Washinton floated into the hall, and for a minnit contemplated the countenance uv President Johnson. In my dreem I heerd him murmur, "There wuz me, and Adams, and Gefferson, and Monroe, and sich, and then c.u.m Fillmore, and Peerce, and Bookannon, and, good G.o.d! Johnson! Faugh!" and I notist that George spit ez tho'

suthin in his mouth didn't taste well. In fact, the Father uv his country looked sick, and spreadin his wings, the sperit moved out uv the hall, shakin the sperit dust off uv his speritool boots ez he shot thro'

the sky-lite.

There wuz then a blank in my dream. When I resoomed, I was at the Post-offis Department the next mornin. The gullotin hed commenced work, and the supporters uv the const.i.tushun were reseevin their commissions ez postmasters ez fast ez four hundred clerks cood make em out. Ez I pressed forward, Randall hisself give me mine. "Take it, my venerable friend," sez he, with tears a gushin down his cheeks; "take it. No more shall that Demokrat in your township who takes a paper reseeve it contaminated by the touch uv a Ablishin radical."

[Ill.u.s.tration: NASBY'S DREAM OF THE PHILADELPHIA CONVENTION.]

At this critical pint I awoke. Wood that that dream wuz a reality! Will I only git that postoffis in a dream.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XXVIII.

The Reward of Virtue.--After Months of waiting, the Virtuous Patriot secures his Loaf.--The Jollification.

CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), August 12, 1866.

At last I hev it! Finally it come! After five weary trips to Washington, after much weary waitin and much travail, I hev got it. I am now Post Master at Confedrit Roads, and am dooly installed in my new position.

Ef I ever hed any doubts ez to A. Johnson bein a better man than Paul the Apossle, a look at my commission removes it. If I ketch myself a feelin that he deserted us onnecessarily five years ago, another look, and my resentment softens into pity. Ef I doubt his Democrisy, I look at that blessed commission, and am rea.s.sured, for a President who cood turn out a wounded Federal soldier, and apoint sich a man ez ME, must be above suspicion.

I felt it wuz coming two weeks ago. I received a cirkler from Randall, now my sooperior in offis, propoundin these questions:--

1. Do yoo hev the most implicit faith in Androo Johnson, in all that he hez done, all that he is doin, and all he may hereafter do?

2. Do you bleeve that the Philadelphia Convenshun will be a convocashen uv saints, all actuated by pure motives, and devoted to the salvation uv our wunst happy, but now distractid country?

3. Do yoo bleeve that, next to A. Johnson, Seward, Doolittle, Cowan, and Randall are the four greatest, and purest, and bestest, and self-sacrificinest, and honestest, and righteousist men that this country hez ever prodoost?

4. Doo yoo bleeve that there is a partikelerly hot place reserved in the next world for Trumbull, a hotter for Wade, and the hottest for Sumner and Thad Stevens?

5. Do yoo approve uv the canin uv Grinnell by Rosso?

6. Do yoo consider the keepin out uv Congris eleven sovrin states a unconstooshnel and unwarrantid a.s.sumption uv power by a secshnal Congris?

7. Do yoo bleeve the present Congris a rump, and that (eleven states bein unrepresented) all their acts are unconstooshnel and illegal, ceptin them wich provides for payin salaries?

8. Do yoo bleeve that the Memphis and Noo Orleans unpleasantnesses wuz brot about by the unholy machinashens uv them Radical agitators, actin in conjunction with ignorant and besotted n.i.g.g.e.rs, to wreak their spite on the now loyal citizens uv those properly reconstructed cities.

9. Are yoo not satisfied that the African citizens uv Amerikin descent kin be safely trusted to the operations uv the universal law wich governs labor and capital?

10. Are yoo willin to contribute a reasonable per cent. uv yoor salary to a fund to be used for the defeat uv objectionable Congrismen in the disloyal states North?

To all uv these inquiries I not only answered yes, but went afore a Justis uv the Peace and took an affidavit to em, forwarded it back, and my commission wuz forthwith sent to me.

There wuz a jubilee the nite it arriv. The news spread rapidly through the four groceries uv the town, and sich anuther spontaneous outbust uv joy I never witnessed.

[Ill.u.s.tration: SUPPORTERS OF "MY POLICY" IN PROCESSION.]

The bells rung, and for an hour or two the Corners wuz in the wildest stait uv eggsitement. The citizens congratoolated each other on the certainty uv the acceshun uv the President to the Dimocrisy, and in their enthoosiasm five n.i.g.g.e.r families were cleaned out, two uv em, one a male and the tother a female, wuz killed. Then a perceshun wuz organized as follers:--

Two grocery keepers with bottles.

Deekin Pogram.

ME, with my commishun pinned onto a banner, and under it written, "In this Sign we Conker."

Wagon with tabloo onto it: A n.i.g.g.e.r on the bottom boards, Bascom, the grocery keeper, with one foot onto him, holdin a banner inscribed, "The n.i.g.g.e.r where he oughter be."

Citizen with bottle.

Deekin Pogram's daughter Mirandy in a att.i.tood uv wallopin a wench.

Banner: "We've Regained our Rites."

Two citizens with bottles tryin to keep in perceshun.

Two more citizens, wich hed emptyd their bottles, fallin out by the way side.

Citizens, two and two, with bottles.

Wagon, loaded with the books and furnitur uv a n.i.g.g.e.r skool, in a stait uv wreck, with a ded n.i.g.g.e.r layin on top uv it, wich hed bin captoored within the hour. Banner: "My Policy."

The perceshun mooved to the meetin hous, and Deekin Pogram takin the Chair, a meetin wuz to wunst organized.

The Deekin remarked that this wuz the proudest moment uv his life. He wuz gratified at the appintment uv his esteemed friend, becoz he appreciated the n.o.ble qualities wich wuz so conspikuous into him, and becoz his arduous services in the coz uv Dimokrisy ent.i.tled him to the posishun. All these wuz aside uv and entirely disconnected from the fact that thare wood now be a probability uv his gittin back a little matter uv nine dollars and sixty-two cents ("Hear! hear!") wich he hed loaned him about eighteen months ago, afore he had knowed him well, or larned to luv him. But thare wuz anuther reason why he met to rejoyce to-nite.

It showed that A. Johnson meant bizness; that A. Johnson wuz troo to the Dimokrasy, and that he hed fully made up his mind to hurl the bolts uv offishl thunder wich he held in his Presidenshal hands at his enemies, and to make fight in earnest; that he wuz goin to reward his friends--them ez he cood trust. Our venerable friend's bein put in condishun to pay the confidin residents uv the Corners the little sums he owes them is a good thing ("Hear!" "Hear!" "Troo!" "Troo!" with singular unanimity from every man in the bildin), but wat wuz sich considerashuns when compared to the grate moral effect uv the decisive movement? ("A d----d site!" shouted one grocery keeper, and "We don't want no moral effect!" cried another.) My friends, when the news uv this bold step uv the President goes forth to the South, the price uv Confedrit skript will go up, and the shootin uv n.i.g.g.e.rs will cease; for the redempshun uv the first I consider ashoored, and the redoosin uv the latter to their normal condishun I count ez good ez done.

Squire Gavitt remarked that he wuz too much overpowered with emoshun to speak. For four years, nearly five, the only newspaper wich come to that offis hed pa.s.sed thro' the polluted hands uv a Ablishnist. He hed no partikler objecshun to the misguided man, but he wuz a symbol uv tyranny, and so long ez he sot there, he reminded em that they were wearin chains. Thank the Lord, that day is over! The Corners is redeemed, the second Jaxson hez risin, and struck off the shackles. He wood not allood to the trifle uv twelve dollars and a half that he loaned the appintee some months ago, knowin that it wood be paid out uv the first money--

Bascom, the princ.i.p.al grocery keeper, rose, and called the Squire to order. He wanted to know ef it wuz fair play to talk sich talk. No man cood feel a more hart-felt satisfaction at the appintment uv our honored friend than him, showin, ez it did, that the President hed cut loose from Ablishnism, wich he dispised, but he protestid agin the Squire undertakin to git in his bill afore the rest hed a chance. Who furnisht him his licker for eight months, and who hez the best rite for the first dig at the proceeds uv the position? He wood never--

The other three grocery keepers rose, when Deekin Pogram rooled em all out uv order, and offered the followin resolutions:--

Whereas, the President hez, in a strikly constooshnel manner, relieved this commoonity uv an offensive Ablishunist, appinted by that abhorred tyrant Linkin, and appinted in his place a sound constooshnel Demokrat--one whom to know is to lend; therefore, be it