Studies in the Psychology of Sex Volume Iv Part 19

"The teaching was certainly bad. Moreover, I had not any friends, and this made me very sensitive. It was to a great extent my fault. When I first went there I was taken up by a set above me-boys who were 'senior' to me in standing. When they left I found myself alone.

"My unpopularity was increased by my being considered to put on 'side'; also because I paid attention to my dress.

"At the public school I had h.o.m.os.e.xual relations with various boys, usually without any pa.s.sion. With one boy, however, I was deeply in love for over a year; I thought of him, dreamed of him, would have been content only to kiss him. But my courtship met with no success.

"When carrying on with other boys the desire to reach the crisis was not always strong, perhaps out of shyness or modesty. Occasionally I had intercrural connection, which gave me the first intimation of what intercourse with a woman was like. When I m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed in solitude I used to continue till the o.r.g.a.s.m.

"My housemaster one day sent for me and said he had walked through my cubicle and noticed a stain on the sheet. At this time I used to have nocturnal emissions. I cannot remember whether on this occasion the stain was due to one, or to masturbation. But I imagined that one did not have 'wet dreams' unless one m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed. So when he went on to say that this was a proof that I was immoral I acknowledged I m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed. He then told me I would injure my health-possibly 'weaken my heart,' or 'send myself mad'; he said that he would ask me to promise never to do it again.

"I promised. I left humiliated and ashamed of myself; also generally frightened. He used to send for me every now and then, and ask me if I had kept my promise. For some months I did. Then I relapsed, and told him when he asked me. Ultimately he ceased sending for me-apparently convinced either that I was cured or that I was incorrigible.

"A year or so afterward he discovered in my study (for I was now in the upper school and had a study) a French photograph that a boy had given me, ent.i.tled 'Qui est dans ma chambre?' It represented a man going by mistake into the wrong bedroom; inside the room was a woman, in nightdress, in an att.i.tude that suggested she had just been relieving herself. My housemaster told me the picture was terribly indecent, and that, taken with what he knew of my habits, it showed I was not a safe boy to be in the school. He added that he did not wish to make trouble at home, but that he advised me to get my parents to remove me at the end of that term, instead of the following term, when, in the ordinary course of things, I should have left.

"I wrote to my people to say I was miserable at school, and I was removed at the end of that term.

"My first case of true heteros.e.xual pa.s.sion was with a girl called D., whom I first knew when she was about 16. My family and hers were friendly. My attraction to her soon became a matter of common knowledge and joking to members of my family. She was a dark, pa.s.sionate-looking child, with large eyes that-to me-seemed full of an inner knowledge of s.e.xual mysteries. Precocious, vain, jealous, untruthful-those were qualities in her that I myself soon recognized. But the very fact that she was not conventionally 'goody-goody' proved an attraction to me.

"I never openly made love to her, but I delighted to be near her. Our ages were sufficiently separated for this to be noticeable. I dreamed of her, and my highest ideal of blessedness was to kiss her and tell her I loved her. I heard that she had been discovered talking indecently in a w.c. to some little boys, sons of a friend of my family's. The knowledge of this precocity on her part intensified my fascination for her.

"When I left home to return to school I kissed her-the only time. Absence did nothing to diminish my affection. I thought of her all day long, at work or at play. I wrote her a letter-not openly pa.s.sionate, but my real feelings toward her must have been apparent. I found out afterward that her mother opened the letter.

"When I returned home for the holidays her mother asked me not; to write her any letters and not to pay attentions to her, as I might 'spoil her.' I promised. I was, of course, greatly distressed.

"D. used to come to our house to see my younger sister. She had clearly been warned by her mother not to allow me to speak to her. I was too nervous to make any advances; besides, I had promised. As I grew older, my pa.s.sion died out. I have hardly ever seen her since. She married some years ago. I still retain sentimental feelings toward her.

"I was now 18; I had stopped growing and was fairly broad and healthy. Intellectually I was rather precocious, though not ambitious. But I was no good at games, had no tastes for physical exercises, and no hobbies.

"During the holidays, in my last year at school, I had gone to the Royal Aquarium with a school companion. This was followed by one or two visits to the Empire Theatre. It was then that I first discovered that s.e.xual intercourse took place outside the limits of married life. On one occasion my friend talked to one of the women who were walking about. This same friend spoke to a prost.i.tute at Oxford. (At this time I went up to the university.) Once or twice I met this girl. She used to ask about my friend. My feelings toward her were a combination of admiration for her physical beauty, a sense of the 'mystery' of her life, and pity for her isolated position.

"On the whole, my first university term produced considerable improvement in me. I began to be interested in my work and to read a fair amount of general literature. I learned to bicycle and to row. I also made one intimate friend.

"In my first holiday I went to the Empire and made the acquaintance of a girl there, W. H. She attracted me by her quiet appearance. I eventually made arrangements to pay her a visit. My apprehensions consisted of: 1. Fear of catching venereal disease. This I decided to safeguard by using a 'French letter.' 2. Fear that she might have a 'bully.'

"The girl showed no s.e.xual desire; but at that time this did not attract my attention.

"I got very much 'gone' on her, paid her several visits, gave her some presents I could ill afford, and felt very distressed when she informed me she was to be married and therefore could not see me any more.

"My experiences with prost.i.tutes cover a period of twelve years. During three years of this period I was continually in their company. I have had intercourse with some two dozen; in some cases only once; in others on numerous occasions. They have usually been of the cla.s.s that frequent Piccadilly, St. James Restaurant, the Continental Hotel, and the Dancing Clubs. Usual fee, 2 for the night; in one case, 5.

"1. Not one of them, as far as I knew, was a drunkard.

"2. As a rule, they were not mercenary or dishonest.

"3. In their language and general behavior they compared favorably with respectable women.

"4. I never caught venereal disease.

"5. I twice caught pediculi.

"6. I did not find them, as a rule, very sensual or fond of indecent talk. As a rule, they objected to stripping naked; they did not touch my organs; they did not suggest masturbation, sodomy, or f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o. They seldom exhibited transports, but the better among them seemed sentimental and affectionate.

"7. Their accounts of their first fall were nearly always the same. They got to know a 'gentleman,' often by his addressing them in the street; he took them about to dinners and theatres; they were quite innocent and even ignorant; on one occasion they drank too much; and before they knew what was happening they were no longer virgins. They do not, however, apparently round on the man or expose him or refuse to have anything more to do with him.

"8. They state-in common with the outwardly 'respectable' women whom I have had a chance of catechising-that before the first intercourse they did not feel any conscious desire for intercourse and hardly devoted any thought to it, that it was very painful the first time, and that some time elapsed before they commenced to derive pleasure from it or to experience the o.r.g.a.s.m.

"E. B. was the second woman I had intercourse with. She was a prost.i.tute, but very young (about 18) and had only been in London a few months. I met her first in the St. James Restaurant. I spoke a few words to her. The next day I saw her in the Burlington Arcade. I was not much attracted to her; she was pretty, in a coa.r.s.e, buxom style; vulgar in manners, voice, and dress. She asked me to go home with her; I refused. She pressed me; I said I had no money. She still urged me, just to drive home with her and talk to her while she dressed for the evening. I consented. We drove to lodgings in Albany Street. We went in. She proceeded to kiss me. I remained cold, and told her again I had no money. She then said: 'That does not matter. You remind me of a boy I love. I want you to be my fancy boy.' I was flattered by this. I saw a good deal of her. She was sentimental. I never gave her any money. When I had some, she refused to take it, but allowed me to spend a little in buying her a present. On the night before I left London she wept. She wrote me illiterate, but affectionate letters. One day she wrote to me that she was to be kept by a man, but that she had made it a condition with him that she should be allowed to have me. I had never been in love with her, because of her vulgarity. I therefore took the earliest opportunity of letting matters cool, by not writing often, etc. The next thing I remember was my fascination, a few months later, for S. H.

"She was not a regular prost.i.tute. She had taken a very minor part in light opera. She was American by birth, young, slim, and spoke like a lady. Her hair was dyed; her b.r.e.a.s.t.s padded. She acted sentiment, but was less affectionate than E. B. I met her when she was out of a job. I gave her 2 whenever I met her. She was not mercenary. She was sensual. I became very much in love with her. I discovered her, however, writing letters to a fellow whom I had met one day when I was walking with her. He was only an acquaintance, but the brother of my most intimate friend. What I objected to was that in this letter to him she protested she did not care for me, but could not afford to give me up. She had to plead guilty, but I was so fascinated by her I still kept in with her, for a time, until she was kept by a man, and I had found other women to interest me.

"Owing to the strict regulations made by the university authorities, prost.i.tutes find it hard to make a living there, and I never had anything to do with one. My adventures were among the shopgirl cla.s.s, and were of a comparatively innocent nature. One of them, however, M. S., a very undemonstrative shopgirl, was the only girl not a prost.i.tute with whom I had so far had intercourse.

"About this time I made the acquaintance of three other prost.i.tutes, who, however, were nice, gentle, quiet girls, neither vulgar nor mercenary. A night pa.s.sed with them always meant to me much more than mere intercourse. They were-especially two of them-of a sentimental nature, and would go to sleep in my arms. There was, on my part, not any pa.s.sion, but a certain sympathy with them, and pity and affection. I remained faithful to the first, J. H., until she was kept by a man, and gave up her gentlemen friends. Then came D. V. She got in the family way and left London. Last, M. P. She was not pretty, but a good figure, well dressed, a bright conversationalist, and an intelligent mind. Her regular price for the night was 5, but when she got to know one she would take one for less and take one 'on tick.' She was very sensual. On one occasion, between 11 P. M. and about midday the following day I experienced the o.r.g.a.s.m eleven or twelve times.

"During term time I was often prevented from having women by want of money and absence from London. I considered myself lucky if I could have a woman once or twice a month. My allowance was not large enough to admit of such luxuries; and I was only able to do what I did by being economical in my general expenditure and living, and by running up bills for whatever I could get on credit. I lived in the hopes of picking up 'amateurs' who would give me what I wanted for the love of it and without payment. My efforts were not very successful at present, except in the case of M. S. I considered myself very lucky in having discovered her, and I should have stuck to her for longer but for the rival attraction of another. There was, however, no deep sentiment on either side.

"But in order to preserve a continuity in my account of the women, I have left out two cases of temporary reversion to h.o.m.os.e.xual practices. During the periods when I could not get a woman I had recourse once more to masturbation. At times I had 'wet dreams' in which boys figured; and my thoughts, in waking hours, sometimes reverted to memories of my school experiences. I think, however, that I should have preferred a woman."

The h.o.m.os.e.xual reversions were as follows:-

"1. I had arranged to meet a shopgirl one evening, outside the town. She did not turn up. The meeting place was a railway bridge. Waiting there too, a few feet from me, was a boy of about 15. He was employed (I afterward found) by a gardener, and was waiting to meet his brother, who was engaged on the line. I got into casual conversation with him, and suddenly found myself wondering whether he ever m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed. With a feeling, that I can only describe by calling it an intuition, I moved nearer him, and asked: 'Do you ever play with yourself?' He did not seem surprised at the abruptness of my question, and answered 'yes.' I thereupon touched his p.e.n.i.s, and found he had an erection! I suggested retiring to a bench that was near. We sat down. I m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed him till he experienced the o.r.g.a.s.m; then intercrurally. I gave him a shilling, and said good night.

"2. During my last summer at the university I took to gardening. There was a small piece of garden behind the house in which I had lodgings. My landlady suggested getting a cousin of hers, employed by a nurseryman, to supply me with plants, etc. He was a youth of about 16 or 17, tall, dark, not bad favored in looks. I forget how many times I saw him-not many, perhaps twice or thrice; but one day, when he came to see me in my room, about something connected with the garden, I gave him some old clothes of mine. He was a great deal taller than myself, and I suggested his trying on the trousers to see if they would fit. I do not know whether I made this suggestion with any ulterior motive or whether I had ever before thought of him in connection with any s.e.xual relations. I only know that once more, as if guided by instinct, I felt he would not rebuff me, although certainly no indecent talk had ever taken place between us. I pretended to help him to pull up the trousers, and let my hand touch his p.e.n.i.s. He did not resist; and I felt his p.e.n.i.s for a few seconds. I then proposed he should come upstairs to my bedroom. No one was in the house. We went up. He did not at first have an erection. I asked why. He said 'because you are strange to me.' He then felt my p.e.n.i.s. Eventually we mutually m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed one another. I gave him half a crown.

"Some short time afterward he came again to the house. On this occasion I attempted f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o. I don't think I had at that time ever heard of such a practice. He said, however, he did not like it. He m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed intercrurally. He said he had never done this before, although he had had girls. (The other boy also told me he had had girls.)

"3. On another occasion I was out bicycling. A boy, of about 10 years of age, offered me a bunch of violets for a penny. I told him I would give him a shilling to pick me a large bunch. I am not sure if I had any ulterior motive. He proceeded into a wood on the side of the road; I dismounted from my machine and followed him. He was a pretty, dark boy. He made water. I went up to him and asked him to let me feel his p.e.n.i.s. He at once jumped away, and ran off shrieking. I was frightened, mounted my bicycle, and rode as fast as I could home.

"There was no sentiment in the above cases. It is also to be noted that in neither instance did I make any arrangements to see the person again. As far as I can remember, when once I was satisfied I felt disgust for my act. In the case of women this was never so.

"Two of the women described in the foregoing pages stand out above the others. Perhaps I have not sufficiently shown that in the cases of W. H. and S. H. I felt a considerable degree of pa.s.sion. W. H. was the first woman with whom I had had intercourse; this invested her in my heart, with a peculiar sentiment. In neither case can I be accused of fickleness. Indeed, I may say that up to this time I had had no opportunity of being fickle. I never saw enough, or had enough, of a woman to get a surfeit of her.

"The case I now come to presents the features of the cases of W. H. and S. H. in a stronger form. I was then 20; I have since then married; I am a father; my experiences have been many and varied; but still I must confess that no other woman has ever stirred my emotions more than-I doubt if as much as-D. C. Up to date, if there has been any grand pa.s.sion in my life, it is my love for her. D. C., when I got to know her-by talking to her in the street-was a girl of about 20. She was short and plump; dark hair; dark, mischievous eyes; a fair complexion; small features; quiet manners, and a sensual ensemble. I do not know what her father was. He was dead, her mother kept a university lodging house. She spoke and behaved like a lady. She dressed quietly; was absolutely unmercenary; her intelligence-i.e., her intellectual calibre-was not great. Her master-pa.s.sion was one thing. The first evening I walked out with her she put her hand down on my p.e.n.i.s, before I had even kissed her, and proposed intercourse. I was surprised, almost embarra.s.sed; she herself led me to a wall, and standing up made me do it.

"Next day we went away for the day together. I may say she was always ready and never satisfied. She was sensual rather than sentimental. She was ready to shower her favors anywhere and to anyone. My feelings toward her soon became affectionate and sentimental, and then pa.s.sionate. I thought of nothing else all day long; wrote her long letters daily; simply lived to see her.

"I found she was engaged to be married. Her fiance, a schoolmaster, himself used to have intercourse with her, but he had taken a religious turn and thought it was wicked to do it until they married. I had intercourse with her on every possible occasion: in private rooms at hotels, in railway carriages, in a field, against a wall, and-when the holidays came-she stayed a night with me in London. She had apparently no fear of getting in the family way, and never used any precaution. Sensual as she was, she did not show her feelings by outward demonstration.

"On one occasion she proposed f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o. She said she had done it to her fiance and liked it. This is the only case I have known of a woman wishing to do it for the love of it.

"The emotional tension on my nerves-the continual jealousy I was in, the knowledge that before long she would marry and we must part-eventually caused me to get ill. She never told me she loved me more than any other man; yet, owing to my importunity, she saw much more of me than anyone else. It came to the ears of her fiance that she was in my company a great deal; there was a meeting of the three of us-convened at his wish-at which she had formally, before him, to say 'good-bye' to me. Yet we still continued to meet and to have intercourse.

"Then the date of her marriage drew near. She wrote me saying that she could not see me any more. I forced myself, however, on her, and our relations still continued. Her elder sister interviewed me and said she would inform the authorities unless I gave her up; a brother, too, came to see me and made a row.

"I had what I seriously intended to be a last meeting with her. But after that she came up to London to see me, we went to a hotel together. We arranged to see one another again, but she did not write. I had now left the university. I heard she was married.

"It was now four years since I had first had intercourse with a woman. During this time I was almost continually under the influence, either of a definite love affair or of a general lasciviousness and desire for intercourse with women. My character and life were naturally affected by this. My studies were interfered with; I had become extravagant and had run into debt. It is worthy of note that I had never up to this time considered the desirability of marriage. This was perhaps chiefly because I had no means to marry. But even in the midst of my affairs I always retained sufficient sense to criticise the moral and intellectual calibre of the women I loved, and I held strong views on the advisability of mental and moral sympathies and congenital tastes existing between people who married. In my amours I had hitherto found no intellectual equality or sympathies. My pa.s.sion for D. C. was prompted by (1) the bond that s.e.xual intercourse with a woman has nearly always produced in my feelings, (2) her physical beauty, (3) that she was sensual, (4) that she was a lady, (5) that she was young, (6) that she was not mercenary. It was kept alive by the obstacles in the way of my seeing her enough and by her engagement to another.

"The D. C. affair left me worn out emotionally. I reviewed my life of the last four years. It seemed to show much more heartache, anxiety, and suffering than pleasure. I concluded that this unsatisfactory result was inseparable from the pursuit of illegitimate amours. I saw that my work had been interfered with, and that I was in debt, owing to the same cause. Yet I felt that I could never do without a woman. In this quandary I found myself thinking that marriage was the only salvation for me. Then I should always have a woman by me. I was sufficiently sensible to know that unless there were congenial tastes and sympathies, a marriage could not turn out happily, especially as my chief interests in life (after woman) were literature, history, and philosophy. But I imagined that if I could find a girl who would satisfy the condition of being an intellectual companion to me, all my troubles would be over; my s.e.xual desire would be satisfied, and I could devote myself to work.