Stephanie Plum - Seven Up Part 36

"Yes. I've been talking to Chooch on Dougie's cell phone," Grandma said. "He said he'll only release Mooner if we get him a helicopter and then have a plane waiting at Newark to take him to South America. I think he might be drinking."

I punched his number into my cell phone.

"I want to talk to you," I said.

"Never. Not until I get my helicopter."

"You're not going to get a helicopter with Mooner as hostage. n.o.body cares if you shoot him. If you let Mooner go, I'll come in and take his place. I'd be a better hostage for a helicopter."

"Okay," DeChooch said. "That makes sense."

As if any any of this made sense. of this made sense.

Mooner came out dressed in his Super Suit and bath towel. DeChooch kept a gun to his head until I stepped onto the porch.

"This is like, embarra.s.sing," Mooner said. "I mean, how does it look for a superhero crime-fighter to get s.n.a.t.c.hed by an old dude." He looked at DeChooch. "Nothing personal, man."

"Take Grandma home," I said to Mooner. "My mother is worried about her."

"You mean like now?"

"Yes. Now."

Grandma was still across the street and I didn't want to shout at her, so I called her on the cell phone. "I'm going to work this out with Eddie," I said. "You and Mooner and Dougie should go home."

"That doesn't sound like a good idea to me," Grandma said. "I think I should stay."

"Thanks, but this will be easier if I do it myself."

"Should I call the police?"

I looked at DeChooch. He didn't look crazy or angry. He looked tired. If I brought the police in DeChooch might go into defense mode and do something dumb, like shoot me. If I got some quiet talk time with him I might be able to persuade him to come in. "Negative on that," I said.

I disconnected and DeChooch and I remained on the porch until Grandma and Mooner and Dougie left.

"Is she going to call the police?" DeChooch asked.

"No."

"Think you can bring me in all by yourself?"

"I don't want anyone to get hurt. Me included." I followed him into the house. "You don't really expect a helicopter, do you?"

He made a disgusted gesture with his hand and shuffled into the kitchen. "I just said that to impress Edna. I had to say something. She thinks I'm a big-shot fugitive." He opened the refrigerator. "There's nothing to eat. When my wife was alive there was always something to eat."

I filled the coffeemaker with water and spooned coffee into the filter. I looked through the cupboards and found a box of cookies. I put some cookies on a plate and sat down at the kitchen table with Eddie DeChooch.

"You look tired," I said.

He nodded his head. "I didn't have any place to sleep lastnight. I was going to pick up my Social Security check tonight and get a hotel room somewhere, but Edna showed up with the two clowns. Nothing goes right for me." He picked at a cookie. "I can't even kill myself. f.u.c.king prostate. I pulled the Cadillac across the tracks. I'm sitting there waiting to die and what happens? I've gotta take a p.i.s.s. I've always always gotta take a p.i.s.s. So I get out and go over to a bush to take a leak and the train comes. What are the chances of that happening? And then I didn't know what to do and I chickened out. Ran away like a f.u.c.king coward." gotta take a p.i.s.s. So I get out and go over to a bush to take a leak and the train comes. What are the chances of that happening? And then I didn't know what to do and I chickened out. Ran away like a f.u.c.king coward."

"It was a terrific crash."

"Yeah, I saw it. Boy, he must have pushed that Cadillac a quarter mile."

"Where did you get the new car?"

"Boosted it."

"So you're still good at some things."

"The only things that work on me are my fingers. I can't see. I can't hear. I can't p.i.s.s."

"You can fix those things."

He pushed the cookie around. "There's some things I can't fix."

"Grandma told me."

He looked up, surprised. "She told you? Aw jeez. Christ. I'm telling you, women are such blabbermouths."

I poured out two cups of coffee and handed one to DeChooch. "Have you seen a doctor about it?"

"I'm not talking to a doctor. Before you know it they're poking around and telling you to get one of them implants. I'm not getting a G.o.dd.a.m.n penile implant." He shook his head. "I can't believe I'm talking to you about this. Why am I talking to you?"

I smiled at him. "I'm easy to talk to." And also, he had hundred-proof breath. DeChooch was doing a lot of drinking. "While we're talking, why don't you tell me about Loretta Ricci?"

"Cripes, she was a hot one. She came to bring me one of them Meals-on-Wheels and she was all over me. I kept telling her I wasn't any good for that anymore, but she wouldn't listen. She said she could get anyone to . . . you know, do it. So I figured, what the h.e.l.l, what have I got to lose, right? Next thing I know she's down there and she's having some luck with it. And then just when I'm thinking it's going to happen she keels over and dies. I guess she gave herself a heart attack from working so hard. I tried to revive her, but she was G.o.dd.a.m.n dead. I was so p.i.s.sed off I shot her."

"You could use some anger-management skills," I said.

"Yeah, people tell me that."

"There wasn't any blood anywhere. No bullet holes."

"What do I look like, an amateur?" His face crinkled and a tear slid down his cheek. "I'm real depressed," he said.

"I bet I know something that'll cheer you up."

He looked like he didn't believe it.

"You know Louie D's heart?"

"Yeah."

"It wasn't his heart."

"Are you kidding me?"

"Swear to G.o.d."

"Whose heart was it?"

"It was a pig heart. I bought it at a butcher shop."

DeChooch smiled. "They put a pig heart back into Louie D and buried him?"

I nodded my head yes.

He started to chuckle. "Then where's Louie D's real heart?"

"A dog ate it."

DeChooch burst out laughing. He laughed until he had a coughing fit. When he got himself under control and he stopped coughing and laughing, he looked down at himself. "Jeezus, I've got an erection."

Men get erections at the strangest times.

"Look at it," he said. "Look at it! It's a beauty. It's hard as a rock."

I looked over at it. It was a pretty decent erection.

"Who would have thought," I said. "Go figure."

DeChooch was beaming. "Guess I'm not so old after all."

He's going to jail. He can't see. He can't hear. He can't take a leak that lasts under fifteen minutes. But he has an erection and all the other problems are small change. Next time around I'm coming back as a man. Priorities are so clearly defined. Life is so simple.

DeChooch's refrigerator caught my eye. "Did you by any chance take a pot roast out of Dougie's freezer?"

"Yeah. At first I thought it was the heart. It was all wrapped up in plastic wrap and it was dark in the kitchen. But then I realized it was too big, and when I took a closer look I saw it was a pot roast. I figured they'd never miss it, and it might be nice to have a pot roast. Only I never got to cook it."

"I hate to bring this up," I said to DeChooch, "but you should let me bring you in."

"I can't do that," DeChooch said. "Think about it. How's it going to look . . . Eddie DeChooch brought in by a girl."

"It happens all the time."

"Not in my profession. I'd never live it down. I'd be disgraced. I'm a man. I need to be brought in by somebody tough, like Ranger."

"No. Not Ranger. He's not available. He's not feeling good."

"Well, that's what I want. I want Ranger. I'm not going if it's not Ranger."

"I liked you better before you had an erection."

DeChooch smiled. "Yeah, I'm back in the saddle, chickie."

"How about if you turn yourself in?"

"Guys like me don't turn themselves in. Maybe the young guys do. But my generation has rules. We have a code." His gun had been lying on the table in front of him. He picked the gun up and chambered a round. "Do you want to be responsible for my suicide?"

Oh brother.

There was a table lamp lit in the living room, and the overhead light had been switched on in the kitchen. The rest of the house was dark. DeChooch sat with his back to a doorway leading to the dark dining room. Like a ghost from horrors past, with only a slight rustle of clothing, Sophia appeared in the doorway. She stood there for a moment, swaying slightly, and I thought she might truly be an apparition, a figment of my overactive imagination. She held a gun at waist level. She stared straight at me, aimed, and before I could react, she fired. POW POW!

DeChooch's gun flew from his hand, blood spurted from the side of his head, and he slumped to the floor.

Someone screamed. I think it was me.

Sophia laughed softly, her pupils shrunk to pinpoints. "Surprised the two of you, didn't I? I've been watching through the window. You and Chooch, sitting here having cookies."

I didn't say anything. I was afraid if I opened my mouth I'd stutter and dribble or maybe just make unintelligible guttural sounds.

"They put Louie into the ground today," Sophia said. "I couldn't be at graveside because of you. You ruined everything. You and Chooch. He's the one who started it all, and he's going to pay. I couldn't take care of him until I got the heart back, but now it's his time. An eye for an eye." More soft laughter. "And you're going to be the one to help me. You do a good enough job, maybe I'll let you go. Would you like that?"

I think I might have nodded, but I'm not sure. She would never let me go. We both knew that.

"An eye for an eye," Sophia said. "It's the word of G.o.d."

My stomach sickened.

She smiled. "I can see on your face that you know what must be done. It's the only way, isn't it. If we don't do this we'll be forever d.a.m.ned, forever shamed."

"You need a doctor," I whispered. "You've been under a lot of stress. You're not thinking right."

"What do you know about thinking right? Do you talk to G.o.d? Are you guided by His words?"

I stared at her, feeling my pulse pounding in my throat and at my temple.

"I talk to G.o.d," she said. "I do what He tells me to do. I am His instrument."

"Well yeah, but G.o.d's a good guy," I said. "He wouldn't want you to do bad things."

"I do what's right," Sophia said. "I cut evil out at its source. My soul is that of an avenging angel."

"How do you know this?'

"G.o.d told me."

A terrible new thought popped into my head. "Did Louie know you talked to G.o.d? That you're G.o.d's instrument?"

Sophia froze.

"That room in the cellar . . . the cement room where you kept Mooner and Dougie. Did Louie ever lock you in that room?"

The gun was shaking in her hand, and her eyes glittered under the light. "It's always difficult for the faithful. The martyrs. The saints. You're trying to distract me, but it won't work. I know what I must do. And you're going to help me now. I want you to get down on your knees and unb.u.t.ton his shirt."

"No way!"