Stealing Shadows - Hiding In The Shadows Part 30

"I know that. You've been looking a long time, G.o.d knows. Maybe this time ..."

"Maybe. And maybe it'll be another dead end."

He let out a short laugh.

Conscious of all his own regrets, Kane said abruptly, "Don't give up.

Don't stop looking, Noah."

"I'm the ruthless, coldhearted b.a.s.t.a.r.d of a federal agent, remember?

I'll use anything and anyone I have to in order to achieve my ends."

Kane was silent for a moment, then said, "That still rankles after all these years? From what you told me, she was so distraught she would have said anything then. You were the closest target, so you got the blame."

"I deserved the blame."

"You were doing your job."

"No." Bishop looked at him with a hard sheen in his eyes. "I went way

beyond doing my job."

"You were trying to stop a killer."

"And instead, I allowed him to kill again."

"Allowed him? Noah-"

"Never mind. It's the past, dead and buried. I don't know why the

h.e.l.l I brought it up. Right now, I'm worried about the present."

Bishop hesitated, reluctant to interfere but unable not to. "You can say

it's none of my business, but I would have to be blind and stupid not to notice how things are between you and Faith. And I'm neither."

"I don't know what you mean." Kane heard the echo of his earlier denial

to Faith, and wondered if everything he felt was branded on his

forehead like neon. "And you're right. It's none of your business."

Bishop was no more warned off than Faith had been. "She got under your skin-and you're angry at her for making you betray Dinah."

"You're full of s.h.i.t." Bishop smiled. "Am I? Maybe about some things, but not this. All I'msaying is that you can't beat up yourself or Faith because of what youfeel, especially now. I can't believe Dinah would consider it a betrayalthat the friend she tried so hard to help might find a place for herselfin your life."

"There's no question of that."

"No?"

"No. I don't feel anything for her. Not anything like that. She's 'just... a tool I can use to help me find out who killed Dinah. Nothingmore." Deliberately, Bishop said, "It's h.e.l.l having a guiltyconscience, isn't it?"

"You don't know what you're talking about,Noah."

"I'm sure you'd like to think so."

"Leave it alone, all right? just-leave it alone."

Kane didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to think about it. And most of all, he didn't want to have Noah's probing spider sense focusedon him.

"I can't do that, Kane. It goes against the grain with me to walk awayand let a friend tear himself to pieces just because he's human. Andthat's all it is I you know. You're human. Dinah's gone. She's been gonefor weeks, and if you're honest with yourself you'll have to admit thatdeep down inside you knew she wasn't coming back."

"Just shut up, all right?"

"It's the truth and you know it. You gave up on Dinah, Kane, even thoughyou kept going through the motions, kept telling yourself it wasn'ttrue. But it is true. She's gone, and even while you were searching forher, another woman got under your skin."

Kane allowed some of the rage inside him to boll over. He was on hisfeet before he realized he had moved, hands clenched into fists, sodesperate to strike out it was a sick pain in his gut. "What the h.e.l.l'swrong with you? Christ, Noah, Dinah's barely cold' She's lying on a slabin the morgue, hurt in so many G.o.d-awful ways I could hardly recognizeher as the woman I loved. Her final days were spent in a h.e.l.l of agony Ican't even imagine, and when thoseb.a.s.t.a.r.ds were finished with her they shut her away' her worst nightmare,leaving her to die alone and terrified, to bleed to death or smother inthe dark grave of that tiny room beneath the ground."

"We don't know for sure she died in that room.

Maybe she never suffered that final terror," Bishop said quietly.

Kane barely heard him. His voice rose, anguished, as he asked thecontemptuous questions that had been whispering in the back of his mindfor days now.

"What kind of man do you think I am? Do you think it's so easy for me toforget her, to just push her aside because a fresh new piece walks inthe door? Do you think any other woman could take Dinah's place?

That I could ever feel for anyone else a tenth of what I felt for her?"

"Kane-" "I loved her. Do you understand that? I loved her."

"I know."

"I wake up every G.o.d d.a.m.ned night aching inside because she's not here.

Because she hasn't been here in so long. I hate myself because I gave upon her even before they found her body, even before I knew she was gone.

I'm furious at her because she kept so much of herself out of my reach,furious at myself because I wasn't able to reach her. And now-now I'llnever be able to. She's gone. She's gone."

"And Faith?"

"Faith?" A hard laugh escaped his lips. "I thought she was a connectionto Dinah. That's all. For a while, I even thought-even believed-thatsome part of Dinah was alive in her, had rubbed off on her somehow. I'dsee her find Dinah's nail polish without really looking for it, as ifshe knew just where Dinah kept it, see her eat the same things Dinah didin just the same way. I'd smell Dinah's perfume on her, hear her use thesame phrases, the same tone of voice, turn her head the same way ... andI let myself believe Dinah wasn't really gone."

"Are you so sure that's what it was? All it was?"

"Of course I'm sure. Do you really think I could feel anything else? Forher?"

"It's all right to feel, Kane."

"No, it's not all right! G.o.d d.a.m.n you, it's never going to be allright!"

In the hallway, unseen by the two men, Faith crept away, into thebathroom where she had been about to shower. She closed the door and turned on the water to shut out even the distant rumble of Kane's raised voice, and stared at her pale face in the mirror.

Odd. She'd never before realized that pain could be a visible, sufferingthing in someone's eyes.

She looked away, then focused on her hands lying tense on the vanitytop. Dinah's red nail polish coated her neat oval nails. Nearby was abottle of Dinah's perfume, which she had so unthinkingly used.

The terrible anger in his voice.

She looked at the blouse and slacks on the hamper, the clean clothingshe'd found unharmed 'in the closet and had meant to wear after her shower, and realized she had no idea whether it was her clothing orDinah's.

"I'll know if it doesn't fit," she murmured to herself.

"Her clothing doesn't fit me. At least there's that."

The horrible revulsion in his voice.

She picked up the bottle of perfume and shut it away in the cabinet of the vanity. Then she began to remove her nail polish. She swiped the cotton ball roughly back and forth against her nails, frantic to get the red color off.

There was a queasiness in the pit of her stomach, and she felt

light-headed, dizzy.

"I didn't do it deliberately," she murmured, avoiding the reflection of that stricken woman in the mirror. "I didn't even realize I had ....

Kane sat on the couch with his head in his hands for a long time before he was finally able to look at his friend. "Jesus. I'm sorry," he said.

"Don't be. You needed to let it out."

Maybe." Kane felt exhausted. "But I didn't need to act like it was all your fault."

"It's n.o.body's fault."

"I'd really like to blame somebody, Noah." Kane knew his smile was

twisted.

"Because you've been lucky enough to find two women you could feel so much for? I'd say fate was smiling on you for that, pal."

Kane linked his fingers together and stared at them. He didn't want to

say it, but the words seemed forced up from some wellspring of emotion he had finally tapped. "I can't be in love with her, Noah. I can't. I still love Dinah."

"You'll always love Dinah," Bishop said quietly.

"It isn't a betrayal of her memory to also love some- one else."

"Then why do I hate myself for it?"

After a moment, Bishop said, "Guilt is easier to feel than acceptance."

"b.a.s.t.a.r.d," Kane said.

"It's true. Dinah's gone. You're still here. And life goes on." He

smiled. "Cliches, but also truth. You have to go on with your life. Planher memorial service, Kane. Try to discover who killed her and see to itthey're punished for what they did. Then let her go.

Say goodbye."

"I don't know if I can do that."

"You've been letting go of her for weeks now." He watched that truth