Star Wars - I, Jedi Part 34

But now I had a new dilemma to face. Tarira had given me a month to decide if I would become her consort. I would be taken aboard the Invidious. l would become part of the crew. I would have her confidence.

I would be able to learn all of the Invid secrets, and I would even learn where Mirax was held. I would have everything I wanted-my wife back and the means to destroy the Invids.

In other undercover operations I'd worked before, the delicate matter of physical intimacy with subjects of the investigation had come up and had been handled in a variety of ways. Sometimes another CorSec member, like Iella, would be brought in to play the role of wife or girlfriend. Other times, when going out with a gang and being paired off with someone in the group, getting them drunk enough to incapacitate them, or feigning being that drunk myself provided a way out. Yet other times, claiming to have a girlfriend who knew nothing of my criminal activity would be enough to get folks to leave me alone.

But there were occasions where a cover story did not suffice. All operatives were told that they needn't do anything they objected to on a moral or philosophical basis, and we were given a.s.signments that would put the least amount of stress upon us in that regard, but there were times when sleeping with someone was the logical next step in deepening a relationship that would allow the investigation to go further. While I was not wholly comfortable in such situations, neither did I see s.e.x between consenting adults as forbidden unless sanctioned by marriage.

Mirax and I had enjoyed each other's company well before we were married, and she was not the first woman I'd ever taken to bed.

The few times during investigations when I had slept with a subject were different for me because, in those situations, I had no steady relationship with anyone else. I had no external ties, no understandings or vows that I would be breaking by sleeping with someone. And it struck me that while such connections would have given me another level of concern, they might not have stopped me.

Mirax was my wife, with whom I had been entirely faithful; yet Tarira was the most direct course to obtaining Mirax's freedom. It would not be as if I were to fall in love with Tavira-that would not be possible.

Physically I might be with her, but emotionally I would have no connection. I would give her what she wanted to put myself in position to get what I wanted. It would be an alliance of convenience, letting me correct the injustice that had been done to my wife.

It would be so simple. All I would do would be to be with Tavira, to please her and deceive her. She would lead me to my wife. And I would even deny Tavira that which she would want most-my devotion. That would be the goal she had in mind, and I would not surrender that to her. She could have my body, and together, I had no doubts, we would discover and explore vast galaxies of pa.s.sion, but she would never quite get all that she wanted from me.

All those thoughts coursing through my brain seemed so obvious and so right, but something screamed in horror at the idea of giving in to them.

What would be so easy to do, what would bring me closer, faster to Mirax than anything I'd done so far, would somehow also be wrong. I didn't know why. I didn't want to believe it. I even wanted to say the transgression there would be insignificant compared to the good that resulted. My alliance with Tavira would be only one-way-I would get from her what I wanted and deny her the prize she most desired. That was what I would do, and any protest could be d.a.m.ned for being weak.

I shivered. "I can't believe I'm thinking this."

Elegos tore and knotted off the steriplast bandages on my right hand.

"What is that, Captain?"

I shook my head. "Things I'm considering. Things I must do, but things I almost can't believe I'm thinking. I can't be thinking them."

The Caamasi nodded slowly. "If you will permit me, we Caamasi have a saying."

"Yes?"

He pressed his hands together contemplatively. "If the wind no longer calls to you, it is time to see if you have forgotten YOUR name."

The simple saying hit me like a hammer, and found echoes in my father's old adage about not recognizing the man in the mirror. I began to tremble. "You're right. I no longer know who I am."

"Then I would suggest it is time you begin to remember."

I laughed. "Easier said than done."

He shook his head and began wrapping my left hand. "Not at all. Start from where you are and trace your steps backward until you recognize the last place you knew yourself." While his advice seemed deceptively naive, something in his voice also suggested it was the only possible solution to my quandary.

I applied myself to the task, but zeroed in on a shortcut. A liaison with Tavira would be the fastest route to rescuing Mirax, but part of me knew it was wrong. I knew the part of me that opposed the plan bitterly would be a stepping stone back to myself, so I grappled with the reason why accepting Tavira's offer would be wrong.

The answer smashed me in the face and left me aghast I'd avoided seeing it. The choice was wrong because I wouldn't be sleeping with Tarira for Mirax's sake, I'd be sleeping with her because I wanted to-I was letting the ends justify the means. I was able to wrap up a selfish desire in all sorts of n.o.ble and selfless reasons, but the reality was that Tavira's attraction to me pleased me. I felt flattered. I'd been married to Mirax for just shy of four years and never had the desire to be with another woman, but that didn't mean I didn't want to be thought of as attractive.

And Tavira was a desirable woman who could have any of hundreds of men, so for her to choose me, well, that was very special. And for me to have the chance to prove she had chosen correctly, that I was indeed someone very special, that was a meal that could gorge my Huttlike ego. It was of the dark side.

Those words echoed through my brain in Master Skywalker's voice, and my understanding of the dark side expanded exponentially. Exar Kun and Darth Vader and the Emperor had made the dark side seem so dynamic and powerful, that recognizing it and refusing it became easy. Here in the Invid society where people acted more like beasts than they did civilized creatures, the line of demarcation between good and evil was not so much blurred as it didn't always run straight. Each situation had to be approached a little differently, and adjustments had to be made by degrees, or falling over to the dark side became almost casual.

In the beating I had administered to Remart I'd probably stepped over the line. I had been working in defense of Elegos, his daughter, his people, and even myself. Had I tapped the Force to strengthen me in that fight, I would have been pulling through power dark and terrible. I would have done to Remart things that all the bacta in the galaxy could not have made right, and reveled in his screams as I did it. I would have swept Tavira away. I would have won Mirax her freedom, but only at the expense of all we had ever had together.

I frowned, then looked up at Elegos. "It all comes down to the nature of evil, doesn't it? Evil is selfishness, while good is selfless. If I take an action that benefits me, only me, and hurts others, I am evil. If I do what must be done to prevent harm to others, if I become the buffer between them and evil, then my actions will be good."

The Caamasi canted his head to the left. "Your intentions will be good.

Without consideration and forethought, however, your actions could still be evil. That is the problem, of course, evil is always easy, and resisting it is never so. Evil is relentless; and anyone, if they tire, if they are not vigilant, can fall prey to it."

My scowl deepened. "And there are situations where opposing evil may result in harm coming to the innocent."

"It does happen, yes." He blinked his big eyes, then settled his hands on my shoulders. "Life is not without pain, but life concerns itself with how we handle that pain, or joy, or confusion or triumph. Life is more than time pa.s.sing before death, it is the sum and total of all we make of it. Decisions may not be easy, but many is the time when not making a decision, not taking an action is worse than a poor decision. Evil flourishes where it is not opposed, and those who are able to oppose it must to protect those who cannot protect themselves." I threw my head back and laughed aloud.

Elegos watched me with a puzzled expression on his face. "I did not think what I was saying was particularly humorous."

"It wasn't. It's just that I've heard those words before, from my family and friends and even myself." I smiled at him. "When you introduced yourself to me, you said you were a 'Trustant' of your people. That is a position of responsibility and trust?"

The Caamasi nodded solemnly. "It is most highly regarded among our people."

"And do I have your trust?"

"You do."

"So I can trust you in all things, to help me?"

Elegos again nodded. "I will not be a servant of evil."

"That makes two of us." I nodded to him. "When we get home, I will tell you more."

He pressed his hands together again. "I look forward, then, to journey's end."

"Thanks for fixing my hands. And my head."

"The pleasure was all mine."

I twisted around and lay back on the table, hooking my heels on its edge and letting my hands rest like lumps of lead on my chest. In having quoted back to me things my father and grandfather had said, things I'd heard Wedge say and things I'd told myself and others, I realized who I was. I saw my reflection in the mirror and heard the wind call to me. I had, since before I could remember remembering, always held as the highest pos-sible ideal a commitment to serving others. What I wanted was subordinate to what was good for everyone else. My job was to provide others shelter and shade, to be a fortress against all the cruelty and wantonness out there. Life itself was hard enough without monosynaptic sociopaths preying on folks.

What I realized right then and there was that I'd made gross errors in how I approached dealing with Mirax's disappearance. When I joined the Jedi academy, I abandoned much of who I had been. I had a new name, a new look, a new ident.i.ty and I was learning new things. I was trying to become someone I was not because I believed that only someone more powerful than me, a Jedi, could ever possibly save Mirax.

When the Jedi academy proved disappointing and I fled, I returned to my roots. I pitched away what I had learned, and even missed what my grandfather had given me in the information he'd preserved. I even misinterpreted the dream as one predicting disaster if I tried to be a Jedi, but that wasn't the message of the dream at all. The message of that dream was as simple as it was stark: selflessness is the only antidote to evil. It provides the light that destroys the dark.

At first I had divorced myself from my CorSec past, then I divorced myself from my Jedi heritage in favor of my CorSec training. I was treating my ident.i.ties as if CorSec and Jedi were left and right, as if I could possibly function with only one side of my body or the other. I was making half of myself oppose the other half, when I should have integrated both halves.

I was not Corran Horn of CorSec or Keiran Halcyon, Jedi Knight. I was both of them. I needed to unify myself and my efforts. Certainly, just as my grandfather had described Nejaa often not letting it be known that he was a Jedi, there were times when one approach would work better than the other, but I had to be able to use both if I planned to succeed.

The Invidious got us back to Courkrus relatively swiftly, and I was shuttled down with Elegos halfway through the unloading of the Survivors'

share of the bounty yielded up by Kerilt's warehouses. I could have gone down sooner, but I stayed on the Invidious to see to it that my squadron got off in good order, and to find out from Colonel Gurtt what she'd heard in the way of rumors running around through the ship's crew. She didn't say she'd heard much, but she recommended I start physical training, aiming to improve my stamina and vigor as much as possible.

By the time I got down to Vlarnya and to the hotel suite I rated, given my rank, I discovered it had been visited in my absence. A variety of luxury goods had been delivered to my rooms including some century old Savareen brandy in a matching decanter and snifter set. The bottle and the four gla.s.ses had been decorated with exotic gemstones, including a Durindfire jewel the size of my thumbnail. Bolts of exotic fabric, statuettes from various worlds and a variety of preserved foodstuffs had been loaded into my rooms, along with a holograph from Tavira wishing me a quick and strong recovery.

I smiled. A mere dozen hours before now this display would have impressed me and flattered me. I would have felt that I had her right where I wanted her, too; that I had trapped her into devoting so much energy to winning me that she'd never see how much I was fooling her. I would have poured a gla.s.s of the brandy, toasted her defeat and tossed it off triumphantly.

Now I just saw a pile of things that had been stolen from others. She had no right to any of this, and giving it to me, giving me things she did not own and had not worked to earn had no value. She took what she wanted, and while she thought she wanted me to come to her voluntarily, the fact was that she'd have from me what she wanted or she'd have me destroyed. Her gesture was as hollow as she was amoral; and that just made my decision to deal with her that much more important and imperative.

Elegos returned to the suite's parlor after having completed a circuit through the bedroom, refresher station and food preparation station.

"There is much more elsewhere, including things suggesting a fair amount of intimacy in the refresher station and bedroom."

"In her fondest dreams, Elegos." I gave him a confident smile. "We've got a month. In that time, I intend to become her worst nightmare."

"Good. I applaud your decision." The Caamasi clapped his hands together and smiled. "I should add, I think it is one worthy of even your grandfather."

My grandfatlaer. I stared at Elegos, gape-mouthed. "You're not referring to Rostek Horn, are you'?"

The Caamasi shook his head and pointed me toward one of the suite's chairs. "You inquired if I could be trusted several hours ago, and you informed me of a decision that requires I keep your trust, or you will be hurt and perhaps even killed. I offer you, now, something of similar value."

I slowly sat. Highlights skittered silver over his gold down as he drew himself together in the middle of the room. I sensed a great solemnity about him, and knew what he was about to do was not something he did lightly. "Elegos, you need not tell me anything that will jeopardize you or your people. In fact, it might be best if you don't."

"No, I know I can trust you." The Caamasi gave me a beneficient smile.

"Even under pain of death you would not surrender this secret."

Not knowing what to say, I just sat back and let my bandaged hands lie on my belly.

"You will recall I told you that memories of momentous events become strong and almost tangible to us?"

I nodded. "Killing someone would create such a memory."

"Correct, or other things like the birth of a child, or meeting someone famous, or being present at some significant event." Elegos' expression softened slightly. "Among the Caamasi we refer to these memories as rnernnis. They are memories invested with emotion and sensory data and, even sometimes, intangible things that escape quantification. They are more fine in detail than any holograph, and more precious to us than any material possession."

He brushed his fingertips lightly across the purple striping on his shoulders and around his eyes. "The truly significant thing about rnernnis is that we can share them with others. The ability to transfer them is limited by consanguinity, which is why our clans often intermarry, making certain there are open avenues of communication between groups. Because we can share these memories, because they come across with full impact, they have more completely allowed us to communicate within our species. This is why we have avoided violence and look to help others find peace.

"My markings are common among the Kla, the maternal clan into which I was born. It is fairly easy for me to transfer a merehis to another member of the Kla clan or to my father's clan, the A clan."

My head came up. "My grandfather knew a Caamasi named Ylenic It'kla."

"My mother's brother. We share the maternal line. I knew him well and we were very proud of his being a Jedi." Elegos' face took on a very happy expression. "You must understand, we Caamasi discovered something special about the Jedi. While only three or four generations of separation could all but block the transfer of memnii between Caamasi, when one of us came to know a Jedi and form a bond with him, we could transfer to him a rnernnis. This is nothing short of a miracle, and when my uncle became a Jedi, the Kla clan's pride swelled incredibly. It is through a rnernnis my uncle gave to me that I recognized you. You have Nejaa's eyes, his scent and his sense."

"Your uncle was Ylenic? Where is he? Can he tell me more about Nejaa?"

Elegos blinked his eyes rapidly and covered his face with his hands for a second. I started to get out of my chair, but he held a hand out to stop me, then composed himself. "Forgive me. My uncle was not on Caamas when our world was immolated. He was visiting a friend on Alderaan and convinced that friend to provide a safe haven for other Caamasi survivors. He and others of our leaders who had survived decided that we also had to spread out, and to mix our clans in all these new settlements. While Alderaan might be the largest settlement, it would not be the only one."

I felt my blood run cold. "He died on Alderaan."

Elegos nodded slowly. "He had eluded the Emperor's Jedi hunters for years, but he could not elude a world's destruction."

"What was the memory of my grandfather he gave to you?

Can you give it to me?"

Elegos shook his head. "I do not think you are quite enough a Jedi, nor enough of a friend, for us to be able to do this yet." He hesitated. "And I am not certain you would want this memory. It is of your grandfather's death."

I sank back in the chair and closed my eyes. What I knew of my grandfather's death was a nightmare, but at least I could treat it like a dream. I didn't want to even think about getting it full blown with emotion from my grandfather's friend. "You're right. Perhaps that's not a memory to which I am ent.i.tled."

"Yet."

I nodded and opened my eyes again. "Yet."

"We shall have to remedy that, then." The Caamasi smiled again, slyly this time, giving him just a hint of predator. "How will we proceed'?"

I brushed a bandaged hand over my mouth. "Every good operation starts with Intelligence. The Invids draw ships and crews from all over, but those based here are definitely the spine of Tavira's operation. If we shatter them and drive them away, she'll have to take greater and greater risks, which means she'll make mistakes."

"Destroying a planet of pirates is a tall order for a lone Jedi Knight and a lightsaber."

"True, especially since I don't have a lightsaber." I frowned. "Don't think I can download the plans for one from the HoloNet, and I don't think sending Luke Skywalker a message inquiring after how to build one will bring a favorable response."

"Even on Kerilt we had heard of his Jedi academy. He would not teach you?"

I winced. "I was there, but didn't exactly leave on the best of terms with him. Do the Caamasi have the equivalent of the Corellian 'Strafing the s.p.a.ceport you've just left?'"

"Uprooting a plant after you have plucked a single blossom."

"It works. Can't be a Jedi without a lightsaber."

Elegos shrugged. "Perhaps you can reroot the plant." Something in the back of my brain clicked. "Not reroot, just grow a new one." I got up and jogged into my bedroom. There on a night table I had a datapad and a stack of datacard journals. I picked them up and started sorting them clumsily by pitching the ones I didn't want onto the bed. Finally I got down to the ones I needed and handed them to Elegos. He frowned.

"Corellian Horticultural Digests?"

I nodded. "Nejaa's best friend, the man I grew up thinking of as my grandfather-the man who is my grandfather-was wise enough to know I'd need the sort of information I'd declined to take with me. These journals have in them columns he has written. I thought he gave them to me when I was leaving because he wanted to share his work with me, but I never even got all the way through any of them. Too much plant stuff, and annotations that reference the genetic codes of the hybrids. In those codes he has encrypted Nejaa's journals and teachings, and the instructions for creating a lightsaber have got to be in there."

Elegos scooped the datapad up. "If you will permit me, I will go through these journals and see what I can find."

"Good." I held my hands up. "Since I can't fly for a bit, I have ample reasons for wandering about all over the place. I know a lot about operations here, but not as much as I should. Once I know where the support structures are for the Invid organization, I can take them apart.

It won't be easy, but it's got to be done."

"As my uncle often said, 'There are attempts, and there are accomplishments. Histories only praise one.'"

I laughed and clapped my hands, then bit back the pain. "You accomplish some decoding and I'll accomplish some healing, then we'll go from there."

I actually managed to do a lot during the time I was healing, and my imminent elevation to Tavira's side helped me immeasurably. When I was asked, for example, why I didn't use the bacta tanks on Courkrus to speed my healing, I said Tavira would think me weak if I could not endure the pain. That satisfied most folks, while the Jedi healing techniques Elegos uncovered from the journals actually allowed me to speed my healing. I knew, however, that having my hands continually wrapped in bandages would be helpful since it made me decidedly less threatening to most folks.

I made the rounds of the myriad groups stationed on Courkrus, and was greeted warmly by all the various leaders. They clearly felt courting me would be good for them in the long run. I spent some time in the Warren with Riistar's Raiders and the Red Nova crew. Aside from wanton cruelty visited on the indigs, they were a fairly benign bunch of individuals.

They were not quite the hard cases that the Survivors were, and really didn't seem to have any secrets or plotting going on that I could exploit.

In direct contrast, Shala the Hutt and his gang of glitbiters were malevolent to the core. They'd taken over a warehouse out near the s.p.a.ceport and had remodeled it in a fashion best described as Old Republic because it looked as if the place had been destroyed before the Empire arose and left virtually untouched since. Debris tangled the place, with rusty orange being the dominant color and laser-burn black being a second choice. Duraplast crates that looked worn enough to be Death Star debris were scattered all over, and the whole place stank of rotting vegetation.