Specimens with Memoirs of the Less-known British Poets Part 99

In ancient times, as story tells, The saints would often leave their cells, And stroll about, but hide their quality, To try good people's hospitality.

It happened on a winter night, As authors of the legend write, Two brother-hermits, saints by trade, Taking their tour in masquerade, Disguised in tattered habits went To a small village down in Kent, Where, in the strollers' canting strain, They begged from door to door in vain, Tried every tone might pity win; But not a soul would let them in.

Our wandering saints, in woful state, Treated at this unG.o.dly rate, Having through all the village pa.s.sed, To a small cottage came at last, Where dwelt a good old honest yeoman, Called in the neighbourhood Philemon; Who kindly did these saints invite In his poor hut to pa.s.s the night; And then the hospitable sire Bid Goody Baucis mend the fire; While he from out the chimney took A flitch of bacon off the hook, And freely from the fattest side Cut out large slices to be fried; Then stepped aside to fetch them drink, Filled a large jug up to the brink, And saw it fairly twice go round; Yet (what is wonderful!) they found 'Twas still replenished to the top, As if they ne'er had touched a drop.

The good old couple were amazed, And often on each other gazed; For both were frightened to the heart, And just began to cry,--'What art!'

Then softly turned aside to view Whether the lights were burning blue.

The gentle pilgrims, soon aware on 't, Told them their calling, and their errand: 'Good folks, you need not be afraid, We are but saints,' the hermits said; 'No hurt shall come to you or yours: But for that pack of churlish boors, Not fit to live on Christian ground, They and their houses shall be drowned; Whilst you shall see your cottage rise, And grow a church before your eyes.'

They scarce had spoke, when fair and soft The roof began to mount aloft; Aloft rose every beam and rafter; The heavy wall climbed slowly after.

The chimney widened, and grew higher, Became a steeple with a spire.

The kettle to the top was hoist, And there stood fastened to a joist; But with the upside down, to show Its inclination for below; In vain; for a superior force, Applied at bottom, stops its course: Doomed ever in suspense to dwell, 'Tis now no kettle, but a bell.

A wooden jack, which had almost Lost by disuse the art to roast, A sudden alteration feels, Increased by new intestine wheels; And, what exalts the wonder more The number made the motion slower; The flier, though't had leaden feet, Turned round so quick, you scarce could see 't; But, slackened by some secret power, Now hardly moves an inch an hour.

The jack and chimney, near allied, Had never left each other's side: The chimney to a steeple grown, The jack would not be left alone; But up against the steeple reared, Became a clock, and still adhered; And still its love to household cares, By a shrill voice at noon declares, Warning the cook-maid not to burn That roast meat which it cannot turn.

The groaning-chair began to crawl, Like a huge snail, along the wall; There stuck aloft in public view, And with small change a pulpit grew.

The porringers, that in a row Hung high, and made a glittering show, To a less n.o.ble substance changed, Were now but leathern buckets ranged.

The ballads, pasted on the wall, Of Joan of France, and English Moll, Fair Rosamond, and Robin Hood, The little Children in the Wood, Now seemed to look abundance better, Improved in picture, size, and letter; And, high in order placed, describe The heraldry of every tribe.

A bedstead, of the antique mode, Compact of timber many a load, Such as our ancestors did use, Was metamorphosed into pews; Which still their ancient nature keep, By lodging folks disposed to sleep.

The cottage, by such feats as these, Grown to a church by just degrees; The hermits then desired their host To ask for what he fancied most.

Philemon, having paused a while, Returned them thanks in homely style; Then said, 'My house is grown so fine, Methinks I still would call it mine; I'm old, and fain would live at ease; Make me the parson, if you please.'

He spoke, and presently he feels His grazier's coat fall down his heels: He sees, yet hardly can believe, About each arm a pudding-sleeve; His waistcoat to a ca.s.sock grew, And both a.s.sumed a sable hue; But, being old, continued just As threadbare, and as full of dust.

His talk was now of t.i.thes and dues; He smoked his pipe, and read the news; Knew how to preach old sermons next, Vamped in the preface and the text; At christenings well could act his part, And had the service all by heart; Wished women might have children fast, And thought whose sow had farrowed last; Against Dissenters would repine, And stood up firm for right divine; Found his head filled with many a system; But cla.s.sic authors,--he ne'er missed 'em.

Thus, having furbished up a parson, Dame Baucis next they played their farce on; Instead of home-spun coifs, were seen Good pinners edged with colberteen; Her petticoat, transformed apace, Became black satin flounced with lace.

Plain 'Goody' would no longer down; 'Twas 'Madam' in her grogram gown.

Philemon was in great surprise, And hardly could believe his eyes, Amazed to see her look so prim; And she admired as much at him.

Thus happy in their change of life Were several years this man and wife: When on a day, which proved their last, Discoursing on old stories past, They went by chance, amidst their talk, To the churchyard to take a walk; When Baucis hastily cried out, 'My dear, I see your forehead sprout!'

'Sprout!' quoth the man; 'what's this you tell I hope you don't believe me jealous!

But yet, methinks, I feel it true; And, really, yours is budding too; Nay, now I cannot stir my foot-- It feels as if 'twere taking root.'

Description would but tire my Muse; In short, they both were turned to yews.

Old Goodman Dobson of the green Remembers he the trees has seen; He'll talk of them from noon till night, And goes with folks to show the sight; On Sundays, after evening-prayer, He gathers all the parish there, Points out the place of either yew: 'Here Baucis, there Philemon grew; Till once a parson of our town, To mend his barn cut Baucis down.

At which 'tis hard to be believed How much the other tree was grieved, Grew scrubby, died atop, was stunted; So the next parson stubbed and burnt it.'

ON POETRY.

All human race would fain be wits, And millions miss for one that hits.

Young's Universal Pa.s.sion, pride, Was never known to spread so wide.

Say, Britain, could you ever boast Three poets in an age at most?

Our chilling climate hardly bears A sprig of bays in fifty years; While every fool his claim alleges, As if it grew in common hedges.

What reason can there be a.s.signed For this perverseness in the mind?

Brutes find out where their talents lie: A bear will not attempt to fly; A foundered horse will oft debate Before he tries a five-barred gate; A dog by instinct turns aside, Who sees the ditch too deep and wide;-- But man we find the only creature, Who, led by folly, combats nature; Who, when she loudly cries, Forbear, With obstinacy fixes there; And, where his genius least inclines, Absurdly bends his whole designs.

Not empire to the rising sun By valour, conduct, fortune won; Not highest wisdom in debates For framing laws to govern states; Not skill in sciences profound So large to grasp the circle round, Such heavenly influence require, As how to strike the Muse's lyre.

Not beggar's brat on bulk begot; Not b.a.s.t.a.r.d of a pedlar Scot; Not boy brought up to cleaning shoes, The sp.a.w.n of Bridewell or the stews; Not infants dropped, the spurious pledges Of gipsies littering under hedges, Are so disqualified by fate To rise in church, or law, or state, As he whom Phoebus in his ire Hath blasted with poetic fire.

What hope of custom in the fair, While not a soul demands your ware?

Where you have nothing to produce For private life or public use?

Court, city, country, want you not; You cannot bribe, betray, or plot.

For poets, law makes no provision; The wealthy have you in derision; Of state affairs you cannot smatter, Are awkward when you try to flatter; Your portion, taking Britain round, Was just one annual hundred pound; Now not so much as in remainder, Since Gibber brought in an attainder, For ever fixed by right divine, (A monarch's right,) on Grub Street line.

Poor starveling bard, how small thy gains!

How unproportioned to thy pains!

And here a simile comes pat in: Though chickens take a month to fatten, The guests in less than half an hour Will more than half a score devour.

So, after toiling twenty days To earn a stock of pence and praise, Thy labours, grown the critic's prey, Are swallowed o'er a dish of tea; Gone to be never heard of more, Gone where the chickens went before.

How shall a new attempter learn Of different spirits to discern, And how distinguish which is which, The poet's vein, or scribbling itch?

Then hear an old experienced sinner Instructing thus a young beginner: Consult yourself; and if you find A powerful impulse urge your mind, Impartial judge within your breast What subject you can manage best; Whether your genius most inclines To satire, praise, or humorous lines, To elegies in mournful tone, Or prologues sent from hand unknown; Then, rising with Aurora's light, The Muse invoked, sit down to write; Blot out, correct, insert, refine, Enlarge, diminish, interline; Be mindful, when invention fails, To scratch your head, and bite your nails.

Your poem finished, next your care Is needful to transcribe it fair.

In modern wit, all printed trash is Set off with numerous breaks and dashes.

To statesmen would you give a wipe, You print it in italic type; When letters are in vulgar shapes, 'Tis ten to one the wit escapes; But when in capitals expressed, The dullest reader smokes the jest; Or else, perhaps, he may invent A better than the poet meant; As learned commentators view In Homer, more than Homer knew.

Your poem in its modish dress, Correctly fitted for the press, Convey by penny-post to Lintot; But let no friend alive look into 't.

If Lintot thinks 'twill quit the cost, You need not fear your labour lost: And how agreeably surprised Are you to see it advertised!

The hawker shows you one in print, As fresh as farthings from a mint: The product of your toil and sweating, A b.a.s.t.a.r.d of your own begetting.

Be sure at Will's the following day, Lie snug, and hear what critics say; And if you find the general vogue p.r.o.nounces you a stupid rogue, d.a.m.ns all your thoughts as low and little, Sit still, and swallow down your spittle; Be silent as a politician, For talking may beget suspicion; Or praise the judgment of the town, And help yourself to run it down; Give up your fond paternal pride, Nor argue on the weaker side; For poems read without a name We justly praise, or justly blame; And critics have no partial views, Except they know whom they abuse; And since you ne'er provoked their spite, Depend upon 't, their judgment's right.

But if you blab, you are undone: Consider what a risk you run: You lose your credit all at once; The town will mark you for a dunce; The vilest doggrel Grub Street sends Will pa.s.s for yours with foes and friends; And you must bear the whole disgrace, Till some fresh blockhead takes your place.

Your secret kept, your poem sunk, And sent in quires to line a trunk, If still you be disposed to rhyme, Go try your hand a second time.

Again you fail: yet safe's the word; Take courage, and attempt a third.

But just with care employ your thoughts, Where critics marked your former faults; The trivial turns, the borrowed wit, The similes that nothing fit; The cant which every fool repeats, Town jests and coffee-house conceits; Descriptions tedious, flat, and dry, And introduced the Lord knows why: Or where we find your fury set Against the harmless alphabet; On A's and B's your malice vent, While readers wonder what you meant: A public or a private robber, A statesman, or a South-Sea jobber; A prelate who no G.o.d believes; A parliament, or den of thieves; A pick-purse at the bar or bench; A d.u.c.h.ess, or a suburb wench: Or oft, when epithets you link In gaping lines to fill a c.h.i.n.k; Like stepping-stones to save a stride, In streets where kennels are too wide; Or like a heel-piece, to support A cripple with one foot too short; Or like a bridge, that joins a marish To moorland of a different parish; So have I seen ill-coupled hounds Drag different ways in miry grounds; So geographers in Afric maps With savage pictures fill their gaps, And o'er unhabitable downs Place elephants, for want of towns.

But though you miss your third essay, You need not throw your pen away.

Lay now aside all thoughts of fame, To spring more profitable game.

From party-merit seek support-- The vilest verse thrives best at court.

And may you ever have the luck, To rhyme almost as ill as Duck; And though you never learnt to scan verse, Come out with some lampoon on D'Anvers.

A pamphlet in Sir Bob's defence Will never fail to bring in pence: Nor be concerned about the sale-- He pays his workmen on the nail.

Display the blessings of the nation, And praise the whole administration: Extol the bench of Bishops round; Who at them rail, bid----confound: To Bishop-haters answer thus, (The only logic used by us,) 'What though they don't believe in----, Deny them Protestants,--thou liest.'

A prince, the moment he is crowned, Inherits every virtue round, As emblems of the sovereign power, Like other baubles in the Tower; Is generous, valiant, just, and wise, And so continues till he dies: His humble senate this professes In all their speeches, votes, addresses.

But once you fix him in a tomb, His virtues fade, his vices bloom, And each perfection, wrong imputed, Is fully at his death confuted.

The loads of poems in his praise Ascending, make one funeral blaze.

As soon as you can hear his knell This G.o.d on earth turns devil in h.e.l.l; And lo! his ministers of state, Transformed to imps, his levee wait, Where, in the scenes of endless woe, They ply their former arts below; And as they sail in Charon's boat, Contrive to bribe the judge's vote; To Cerberus they give a sop, His triple-barking mouth to stop; Or in the ivory gate of dreams Project Excise and South-Sea schemes, Or hire their party pamphleteers To set Elysium by the ears.

Then, poet, if you mean to thrive, Employ your Muse on kings alive; With prudence gather up a cl.u.s.ter Of all the virtues you can muster, Which, formed into a garland sweet, Lay humbly at your monarch's feet, Who, as the odours reach his throne, Will smile and think them all his own; For law and gospel both determine All virtues lodge in royal ermine, (I mean the oracles of both, Who shall depose it upon oath.) Your garland in the following reign, Change but the names, will do again.