Sophisms of the Protectionists Part 25

L. You have secured twenty hogsheads of wine?

J. Yes, with much care and sweat.

--Be so kind as to give me six of the best.

--Six hogsheads out of twenty! Good heavens! You want to ruin me. If you please, what do you propose to do with them?

--The first will be given to the creditors of the State. When one has debts, the least one can do is to pay the interest.

--Where did the princ.i.p.al go?

--It would take too long to tell. A part of it was once upon a time put in cartridges, which made the finest smoke in the world; with another part men were hired who were maimed on foreign ground, after having ravaged it. Then, when these expenses brought the enemy upon us, he would not leave without taking money with him, which we had to borrow.

--What good do I get from it now?

--The satisfaction of saying:

How proud am I of being a Frenchman When I behold the triumphal column,

And the humiliation of leaving to my heirs an estate burdened with a perpetual rent. Still one must pay what he owes, no matter how foolish a use may have been made of the money. That accounts for one hogshead, but the five others?

--One is required to pay for public services, the civil list, the judges who decree the rest.i.tution of the bit of land your neighbor wants to appropriate, the policemen who drive away robbers while you sleep, the men who repair the road leading to the city, the priest who baptizes your children, the teacher who educates them, and myself, your servant, who does not work for nothing.

--Certainly, service for service. There is nothing to say against that.

I had rather make a bargain directly with my priest, but I do not insist on this. So much for the second hogshead. This leaves four, however.

--Do you believe that two would be too much for your share of the army and navy expenses?

--Alas, it is little compared with what they have cost me already. They have taken from me two sons whom I tenderly loved.

--The balance of power in Europe must be maintained.

--Well, my G.o.d! the balance of power would be the same if these forces were every where reduced a half or three-quarters. We should save our children and our money. All that is needed is to understand it.

--Yes, but they do not understand it.

--That is what amazes me. For every one suffers from it.

--You wished it so, Jacques Bonhomme.

--You are jesting, my dear Mr. Collector; have I a vote in the legislative halls?

--Whom did you support for Deputy?

--An excellent General, who will be a Marshal presently, if G.o.d spares his life.

--On what does this excellent General live?

--My hogsheads, I presume.

--And what would happen were he to vote for a reduction of the army and your military establishment?

--Instead of being made a Marshal, he would be retired.

--Do you now understand that yourself?

--Let us pa.s.s to the fifth hogshead, I beg of you.

--That goes to Algeria.

--To Algeria! And they tell me that all Mussulmans are temperance people, the barbarians! What services will they give me in exchange for this ambrosia, which has cost me so much labor?

--None at all; it is not intended for Mussulmans, but for good Christians who spend their days in Barbary.

--What can they do there which will be of service to me?

--Undertake and undergo raids; kill and be killed; get dysenteries and come home to be doctored; dig harbors, make roads, build villages and people them with Maltese, Italians, Spaniards and Swiss, who live on your hogshead, and many others which I shall come in the future to ask of you.

--Mercy! This is too much, and I flatly refuse you my hogshead. They would send a wine-grower who did such foolish acts to the mad-house.

Make roads in the Atlas Mountains, when I cannot get out of my own house! Dig ports in Barbary when the Garonne fills up with sand every day! Take from me my children whom I love, in order to torment Arabs!

Make me pay for the houses, grain and horses, given to the Greeks and Maltese, when there are so many poor around us!

--The poor! Exactly; they free the country of this _superfluity_.

--Oh, yes, by sending after them to Algeria the money which would enable them to live here.

--But then you lay the basis of a _great empire_, you carry _civilization_ into Africa, and you crown your country with immortal glory.

--You are a poet, my dear Collector; but I am a vine-grower, and I refuse.

--Think that in a few thousand years you will get back your advances a hundred-fold. All those who have charge of the enterprise say so.

--At first they asked me for one barrel of wine to meet expenses, then two, then three, and now I am taxed a hogshead. I persist in my refusal.

--It is too late. Your _representative_ has agreed that you shall give a hogshead.

--That is but too true. Cursed weakness! It seems to me that I was unwise in making him my agent; for what is there in common between the General of an army and the poor owner of a vineyard?

--You see well that there is something in common between you, were it only the wine you make, and which, in your name, he votes to himself.

--Laugh at me; I deserve it, my dear Collector. But be reasonable, and leave me the sixth hogshead at least. The interest of the debt is paid, the civil list provided for, the public service a.s.sured, and the war in Africa perpetuated. What more do you want?

--The bargain is not made with me. You must tell your desires to the General. _He_ has disposed of your vintage.

--But what do you propose to do with this poor hogshead, the flower of my flock? Come, taste this wine. How mellow, delicate, velvety it is!

--Excellent, delicious! It will suit D----, the cloth manufacturer, admirably.

--D----, the manufacturer! What do you mean?