Soldiers Three Volume I Part 22

MRS. HERRIOTT. (_After conversation has risen to proper pitch._) Ah!

'Didn't see you in the crush in the drawing-room. (_Sotto voce._) Where _have_ you been all this while, Pip?

CAPTAIN GADSBY. (_Turning from regularly ordained dinner partner and settling hock gla.s.ses._) Good evening. (_Sotto voce._) Not quite so loud another time. You've no notion how your voice carries. (_Aside._) So much for shirking the written explanation. It'll have to be a verbal one now. Sweet prospect! How on earth am I to tell her that I am a respectable, engaged member of society and it's all over between us?

MRS. H. I've a heavy score against you. Where were you at the Monday Pop? Where were you on Tuesday? Where were you at the Lamonts' tennis? I was looking everywhere.

CAPT. G. For me! Oh, I was alive somewhere, I suppose. (_Aside_.) It's for Minnie's sake, but it's going to be dashed unpleasant.

MRS. H. Have I done anything to offend you? I never meant it if I have.

I couldn't help going for a ride with the Vaynor man. It was promised a week before you came up.

CAPT. G. I didn't know--

MRS. H. It really _was_.

CAPT. G. Anything about it, I mean.

MRS. H. What has upset you to-day? All these days? You haven't been near me for four whole days--nearly one hundred hours. Was it _kind_ of you, Pip? And I've been looking forward so much to your coming.

CAPT. G. Have you?

MRS. H. You _know_ I have! I've been as foolish as a schoolgirl about it. I made a little calendar and put it in my card-case, and every time the twelve o'clock gun went off I scratched out a square and said: 'That brings me nearer to Pip. _My_ Pip!'

CAPT. G. (_With an uneasy laugh_.) What will Mackler think if you neglect him so?

MRS. H. And it hasn't brought you nearer. You seem farther away than ever. Are you sulking about something? I know your temper.

CAPT. G. No.

MRS. H. Have I grown old in the last few months, then? (_Reaches forward to bank of flowers for menu-card_.)

MRS. H. (_To partner_.) Oh, thanks. I didn't see.

MRS. H. _Keeps her arm at full stretch for three seconds_.

PARTNER ON LEFT. Allow me. (_Hands menu-card_.) (_Turns right again_.) Is anything in me changed at all?

CAPT. G. For Goodness' sake go on with your dinner! You must eat something. Try one of those cutlet arrangements. (_Aside_.) And I fancied she had good shoulders, once upon a time! What an a.s.s a man can make of himself!

MRS. H. (_Helping herself to a paper frill, seven peas, some stamped carrots and a spoonful of gravy_.) That isn't an answer. Tell me whether I have done anything.

CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) If it isn't ended here there will be a ghastly scene somewhere else. If only I'd written to her and stood the racket--at long range! (_To Khitmatgar_.) _Han! Simpkin do._ (_Aloud_.) I'll tell you later on.

MRS. H. Tell me _now_. It must be some foolish misunderstanding, and you know that there was to be nothing of that sort between us. _We_, of all people in the world, can't afford it. Is it the Vaynor man, and don't you like to say so? On my honour--

CAPT. G. I haven't given the Vaynor man a thought.

MRS. H. But how d'you know that _I_ haven't?

CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) Here's my chance and may the Devil help me through with it. (_Aloud and measuredly_.) Believe me, I do not care how often or how tenderly you think of the Vaynor man.

MRS. H. I wonder if you mean that.--Oh, what _is_ the good of squabbling and pretending to misunderstand when you are only up for so short a time? Pip, don't be a stupid!

_Follows a pause, during which he crosses his left leg over his right and continues his dinner_.

CAPT. G. (_In answer to the thunderstorm in her eyes_.) Corns--my worst.

MRS. H. Upon my word, you are the very rudest man in the world! I'll _never_ do it again.

CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) No, I don't think you will; but I wonder what you will do before it's all over. (_To Khitmatgar_.) _Thorah ur Simpkin do_.

MRS. H. Well! Haven't you the grace to apologise, bad man?

CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) I mustn't let it drift back _now_. Trust a woman for being as blind as a bat when she won't see.

MRS. H. I'm waiting: or would you like me to dictate a form of apology?

CAPT. G. (_Desperately_.) By all means dictate.

MRS. H. (_Lightly_.) Very well. Rehea.r.s.e your several Christian names after me and go on: 'Profess my sincere repentance.'

CAPT. G. 'Sincere repentance.'

MRS. H. 'For having behaved--'

CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) At last! I wish to Goodness she'd look away. 'For having behaved'--as I have behaved, and declare that I am thoroughly and heartily sick of the whole business, and take this opportunity of making clear my intention of ending it, now, henceforward, and for ever.

(_Aside_.) If any one had told me I should be such a blackguard--!

MRS. H. (_Shaking a spoonful of potato chips into her plate_.) That's not a pretty joke.

CAPT. G. No. It's a reality. (_Aside_.) I wonder if smashes of this kind are always so raw.

MRS. H. Really, Pip, you're getting more absurd every day.

CAPT. G. I don't think you quite understand me. Shall I repeat it?

MRS. H. No! For pity's sake don't do that. It's too terrible, even in fun.

CAPT. G. I'll let her think it over for a while. But I ought to be horse-whipped.

MRS. H. I want to know what you meant by what you said just now.

CAPT. G. Exactly what I said. No less.

MRS. H. But what have I done to deserve it? What _have_ I done?

CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) If she only wouldn't look at me. (_Aloud and very slowly, his eyes on his plate_.) D'you remember that evening in July, before the Rains broke, when you said that the end would have to come sooner or later--and you wondered for which of us it would come first?

MRS. H. Yes! I was only joking. And you swore that, as long as there was breath in your body, it should _never_ come. And I believed you.