Small Town Sinners Part 16

"Ty Davis, are you taking me seriously?" I ask.

He opens his eyes and grins at me.

"Of course," he says. "Always."

"Well, even if you're not, I still want to talk to you," I say.

I can talk to this boy. I can talk to him like I've never talked to anyone. Not my pastor, not my best friends ... not my father.

I'm afraid to show spiritual weakness in front of anyone in town, especially those closest to me. We've never questioned anything or anyone related to the church. You just don't do that in West River. But here's Ty, a bit of hometown, a bit of the bigger world. Somehow I think he understands.

So I open up to him again. I tell him how I'm confused about my parents' unwillingness to discuss Tessa or Jeremy with me, how I'm so angry at Geoff Parsons for tormenting Dean while being a member of Youth Leaders and a star of h.e.l.l House, and how Pastor Frist's sermons are echoing more and more hollow with every pa.s.sing Sunday.

"And today, when Jeremy was saying his lines about having s.e.x recklessly, I couldn't help but think of how he did that," I say.

"How did I miss a reckless s.e.x scene?" asks Ty.

"No!" I say, swatting his arm. "It's the gay marriage scene. I know that makes it different-they're talking about gay s.e.x so it's not the same as with Jeremy and Tessa, but-"

"I thought you said that sins were sins, Lacey Anne," Ty says, tripping me up with the words I said this summer.

"They are," I say. "But regular premarital s.e.x is one thing and h.o.m.os.e.xuality is just ... different."

I shudder, thinking about men kissing men, or really about Mr. Sikes kissing Mrs. Sikes, which is almost as icky.

Ty looks at me, silent.

"I mean, being gay and having lots of s.e.x is like a double sin," I continue, sensing that he's not seeing my point. "Because you're not married, so you can't be making love in a holy way, and you're also going against nature by doing it in a gay way, so you're sinning twice."

I smile, satisfied with my mathematical explanation.

"What if you live in Vermont and you can get legally married if you're gay?" asks Ty.

"We don't live in Vermont," I say. "And around here, gay s.e.x isn't the same as premarital s.e.x between two normal people. It's immoral. And gay marriage isn't legal."

"But it is in some places in our country," Ty says. "And you at least have to admit that the morality of gay marriage is open to interpretation. Unlike, say, the morality of child abuse. Can you imagine some states legalizing that?"

"No, but it's not the same thing," I say.

"Ah, but your earlier logic says it is," says Ty. "h.e.l.l House shows one scene after another-Gay Marriage, Domestic Abuse, Abortion, Suicide, Cyberp.o.r.n-and it puts them all on the same level."

"Well, they're all bad," I say.

"And we're back to this circular conversation again." Ty sighs.

"Leviticus 20:13 says *If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination,' " I say.

"Lacey," says Ty, sighing a little and looking exasperated. "I'm not gay, but even I'm tired of hearing that verse come out of the mouth of the church."

"Well, it's in there," I say.

"So is the subjugation of women, vengeance, and the murder of children," says Ty. "It's an amazing book, and it has tons of good lessons, but it's also got some pretty messed-up pa.s.sages."

"Like what?" I ask.

"Leviticus 20:9," Ty says. "If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death."

"Well, it's all in how you interpret things," I argue. "That's really just an extension of honoring your father and mother."

"Okay," says Ty, smiling at me now. "I'm glad you're aware that there are different interpretations and not everything in the Bible is literal. I knew you were a smart one."

"Ty!" I shout, exasperated.

"I'm joking, Lacey," he says. "I am. Can we just stop talking about this, though, for right now?"

"Okay," I say quietly, wondering if I've offended Ty somehow. Maybe he has a gay cousin or something. I'm only saying what I believe.

"Do you think I'm becoming a bad person? That I've fallen from grace and that's why there's all this confusion in my head?" I ask. And when I say that sentence out loud, I feel a sting of fear, like maybe it's possible.

Ty stays quiet for a moment, and I wonder if he's going to say yes, that he does think I'm losing my path in the light with all this doubt I'm feeling. Maybe I shouldn't speak it out loud, maybe I shouldn't show my fear to anyone, not even Ty.

But then he answers.

"Lacey Anne," says Ty, "the G.o.d I know welcomes questions. He welcomes doubts. He welcomes criticisms of His Kingdom when things aren't just or fair. He rewards people who can see clearly enough to right wrongs. That is definitely what you're trying to do, in your own way."

I smile. What Ty just said sounds like something my dad might have told me when I was younger and I asked if I'd go to h.e.l.l for stepping on an ant or chasing a bird with my bike. It was okay, I was okay. So why doesn't the church make me feel that way anymore? Why does it take a boy in a car at midnight with the seats all the way down?

I lean back and look up at the moon again, relaxing into my confusion, feeling content, feeling accepted, feeling understood.

After a few moments of silence, Ty speaks. "Have I told you how much I adore you?"

Well, that just floors me. After I confess to having hate in my heart, that I might be on the path to the devil, he tells me he's into me. Surprised as I am, though, I don't want to mess up this second chance at something more.

"No," I say. "But I think I gave you a really good opportunity to do that once."

"You're right," he says, rising up and leaning on one elbow, facing me. "I blew it."

I sit up then too, and look into his eyes, my attraction to him almost palpable. "No," I say. "You didn't."

"What were the rules?" he asks, teasing me.

"I don't think we have any yet," I say, feeling breathless.

"Oh, good," he says.

He leans in then, and I make sure that it's he who kisses me first. We don't have two cars; he can't run away. And besides, as strong as that first kiss-my first kiss-was, this one is ten times stronger. As I feel his lips move with mine, I'm keenly aware of everything around me. The moonlight pools on our faces, the bugs sing a midnight hymn, the leather of the car seats squeaks as we move closer and press our bodies together.

I feel a warmth radiate through my chest and down to my thighs, working its way through my body. I gasp as the sensation gets stronger. His lips are the purest touch I've ever felt.

"Lacey Anne," Ty says, pulling back for a second. "You make me feel brave."

I smile and kiss him again. I don't know what he means and I don't think too hard about what we're doing here. If I am lost, I don't want to be found, at least not tonight.

When he drops me off around the corner from my house, Ty holds my hand and looks into my eyes. "Good night, Lacey Anne," he says, leaning in for one more kiss. I feel like everything has changed.

I walk home and slip off my shoes at the front door. I'm careful not to let the lock click as I enter, and then I pad softly up to my bedroom.

I lie down, but my body is buzzing with energy. It feels almost holy, like when we speak in our personal prayer languages. I don't know how I'll ever fall asleep. And yet somehow I start to drift off. As I'm fading into dreamland, I think I understand how Tessa could have made a mistake with Jeremy, if she ever felt like this.

Chapter Twenty-two.

On Wednesday after school at h.e.l.l House rehearsal, I let go during personal prayer warm-up. I allow the energy to flow through me, and I hear myself shout while my body jolts and jerks. The movements feel like they're coming from inside my soul, and my awareness almost completely leaves the room.

I remember this connectedness, this nearness to G.o.d. I've always loved how it's made me feel. And now, even in my confusion, I bask in the glow of His love. I know it's there for me, no matter what my thoughts. Because He is there even for those who question Him, even for nonbelievers, even for sinners. Ty reminded me of that.

I pause for a moment and I hear my father's personal prayer language-the way he gives himself up to G.o.d so willingly, so pa.s.sionately. I know things can't be right when we're at odds like we are. I know I must have misunderstood things he said to me, I know we can get back to the place where we see things the same way. I pray for that, as I feel G.o.d's love warm the room with all of us together, sharing this moment.

When we break to rehea.r.s.e our individual scenes, I make a quick stop at the ladies' room. Through the window I can hear the strains of Geoff Parsons's Suicide scene happening outside. I haven't seen it yet, and I'm intrigued by what I hear.

When I leave the bathroom, I hear Pastor Frist call out, "Lacey! We need our Abortion Girl in here," but I ignore him. I walk straight to the back exit and outside toward the staff parking area, where the suicide scene is being staged.

Geoff Parsons is sitting on the hood of our Taurus. I almost forgot we were using it in the show. He's holding the prop gun my dad showed us earlier this summer, and it looks very, very real.

"Lord, I'm worthless and useless," he says, and it stops me in my tracks. His voice is shaking. I feel the wind kick up and blow my hair around my face, and I shiver a little.

"My parents tell me I'm a waste of s.p.a.ce, I don't have any friends. I have no talents, Lord. I'm a loser, I'm a loner, I don't deserve to live." Geoff Parsons is riveting. He looks devastated, he looks broken, he looks nothing like the bully in the sanctuary who took Dean roughly by the shoulders. And somehow he looks more like a real person, more like himself.

As I hear him say his lines, I feel tears well up inside me, and I start to see why he has to have this role. Why he can't be thrown out of h.e.l.l House. Why the work that he's doing by starring as Suicide Boy is bigger than his bad att.i.tude.

The door opens behind me and I hear Pastor Frist call my name again. "Lacey," he says. "We're needing to start your scene."

I take one more look at Geoff, who's still totally in character and putting the gun up to his head. Then I turn and follow Pastor Frist back inside.

I think about Geoff's scene all day on Thursday. I had no idea he could bring that kind of emotion, that much pain, to the part of Suicide Boy. I've never seen anyone play it that way, and I'm wondering if there's more to my dad's defense of Geoff in this role.

Mom was right when she said Dad is always the one who gives advice-and his door has always been open to everyone, especially me. So why am I running away from trying to understand his point of view? I have to talk to him.

After school, I visit Dad's office at the church. The door is open a crack and I start to knock, but I see that he's in the corner by the window, reading aloud from next Sunday's children's sermon. "Proverbs 17:27," he says. " *A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, a man of understanding is even-tempered.' And so what does that tell us about the times when we're upset with others? How can we peacefully resolve even the little things that happen each day, like when an older brother or sister gets on your nerves?"

I stand in the doorway for a moment, not wanting to disturb him. As I listen to his voice, I close my eyes and remember what it was like when I thought he knew everything, when I thought he almost was G.o.d. His pitch rises and falls with the rhythm of the lesson, always inflecting perfectly to convey the message of the pa.s.sage he chose.

It's easier when my father and I are in sync, it's safer when I believe he can do no wrong. I want to believe that he knew what he was doing-and that it was the right thing-when he didn't punish Geoff for bullying Dean. I take a deep breath and I choose to believe in my dad.

"Lacey Anne?" He stops reading and I open my eyes to find him facing me with a smile.

"Hi," I say. "I want to talk to you."

I tell him about what I saw in the suicide scene-that Geoff Parsons is truly meant to be in h.e.l.l House, that I know he's not being punished because he is G.o.d's voice in that scene, because he will save a lot of souls with his pa.s.sion.

"I understand," I say.

He folds me into a hug, and I squeeze back. When I heard the words coming from my mouth, part of me hesitated and felt unsure, but the hug from my father feels so good that I let go of the doubt. I'm so happy in this moment. I want the trust I have in my dad to be strong again, I want to know that he does have reasons for doing what he's done with Geoff. He's thinking of the bigger picture of h.e.l.l House, the one in which Geoff Parsons is a tool for saving souls.

That night at dinner, Mom, Dad, and I sit down to pray.

"Lord, thank you for bringing this food to our table so we may enjoy time as a family and the sustenance of you, our G.o.d," my father says. "We thank you for another glorious day. For good friends, long chats, and the understanding that comes between fathers and daughters when they do your holy work together. In Jesus's name we pray. Amen."

"Amen," echo Mom and I.

We dig into big platefuls of spaghetti, talking excitedly about h.e.l.l House and how great this year's performance will be.

"Have you seen Ron Jessup in the Cyberp.o.r.n scene?" Dad asks.

"No!" I gasp. "I've only seen Gay Marriage, Domestic Violence, and part of Suicide."

"You should walk through it all this week, Lace," Dad says, so animated that he's talking with his mouth full. "We'll have Laura Bergen rehea.r.s.e Abortion Girl so you can get the whole picture."

"That would be great," I say.

"Can I have a sneak peek too?" Mom asks.

"Sorry, Theresa," Dad says. "Creatures of h.e.l.l House only, I'm afraid."

They both laugh and I join in, happy to be smiling with them again. I want to believe that Dad is working toward something larger than my friends and I can see. I know Dean and Starla Joy will understand-we're putting on the most incredible h.e.l.l House this town has ever experienced.

The next day, I meet Dean, Starla Joy, and Ty in the woods. I have to tell them about Geoff, about why he has to be in the show no matter what. I want to explain; for my dad, for myself. I feel like if I say it out loud and my friends affirm my feelings, I'll be able to shake this shadow of doubt that still lingers in my head.

"You guys, I have to talk to you about something," I say, once we're all situated on balanced logs. "I had an epiphany about Geoff Parsons, I think. Or at least a serious realization."

"Did you realize that he's a jacka.s.s?" Ty asks. "Sorry, Lace, but he deserves a J-word."

I can't disagree, but I think back to seeing Geoff in his scene, the pain in his eyes that looked so real out in that parking lot.

"No," I say, staying calm and trying to figure out how to talk to them about this. "I think I realized that he's human and that he deserves a little understanding."

"What?" Ty asks, looking disturbed.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea to bring him out here.

"Lacey, he picks on me in church," says Dean, speaking softly as he drags a stick in the dirt by his feet. "School is one thing, but I thought that church was different. Like a safety zone. Like I'm on base in a game of tag."