Sinner Takes All_ A Memoir of Love and Porn Part 2

Roland opened me up to a whole new s.e.xual world. We started making home s.e.x tapes and took p.o.r.nographic photos. I loved having s.e.x for the camera, but at the time I never thought I'd do it professionally. It was just our dirty little secret. It turned me on to see a photo of his c.o.c.k in my p.u.s.s.y or photos of me with a d.i.l.d.o. I'd always had this really nasty s.e.xual side to me, but Roland was the first guy to truly unleash that beast.

He also introduced me to p.o.r.n. I'd never watched p.o.r.n before I met Roland. The first video I ever watched was t.i.tled Cafe Flesh Cafe Flesh, a 1982 postapocalyptic sci-fi film that was a cult favorite. It featured a beautiful actress named Pia Snow and was cowritten by Jerry Stahl, who went on to write the book and movie Permanent Midnight Permanent Midnight and that '80s show and that '80s show ALF. ALF. And the first p.o.r.n magazine I ever saw was at Roland's house. I'm talking the real, hardcore p.o.r.no magazines, not the And the first p.o.r.n magazine I ever saw was at Roland's house. I'm talking the real, hardcore p.o.r.no magazines, not the Playboy Playboy or or Penthouse Penthouse I was used to seeing. I don't remember the name of the magazine, but I'll never forgot how turned on I was by a photo spread with Shayla LaVeaux. She was blond and gorgeous. I was used to seeing. I don't remember the name of the magazine, but I'll never forgot how turned on I was by a photo spread with Shayla LaVeaux. She was blond and gorgeous.

It was all about kinky first-times with Roland. He was the first guy I had a.n.a.l s.e.x with as well. It hurt, of course, but I liked it. He introduced me to a.n.a.l beads and other kinky stuff, like the time he put my pearl necklace in my b.u.t.t and then made me wear it around my neck when we went to dinner that night with his parents. I was so turned on watching Roland stare at my dirty necklace during that dinner. Roland's also the guy who shaved my p.u.s.s.y bald. I had a bush before I met him!

But all kinky things must come to an end. Roland started getting into heavy drugs like crystal meth and cocaine, and I wasn't down with that. I never have been and never will be into hard drugs. The drugs made him abusive, and one day he hit me. I moved out immediately, broke off our engagement, and left. No guy's ever going to f.u.c.king hit me, and no man ever did again.

It was time to move on anyway. New c.o.c.k. New life. After Roland, I just took guys home randomly when I needed to get f.u.c.ked. I'd grab a guy and say, "You're coming home with me. I'm f.u.c.king you." No man said no.

*CHAPTER 6*

From Bedpans to Bedrooms After a few years of meandering through life, I decided it was time to stop f.u.c.king around and get serious. At age eighteen, I spent a week studying for my GED and pa.s.sed it on the first try at Boise State University, and began my undergraduate studies in nursing there. I transferred to the American Inst.i.tute of Health Technology, also in Boise, where I earned an emergency medical technical (EMT) certificate and trained to be a nurse.

Dad was finally proud of me, and I was finally settling down and growing up. No more self-indulgent wild ways. It was all about being of service to others for a change. I worked most days as a telemarketer for a security-alarm-system company. It was my first time dealing with rejection: I got hung up on a lot! And I went to school at night. I moved back to California after school because I found a job at a nursing home in Simi Valley. At first I really loved working with old people and was good at it. So good that I remember my dad telling me one day, "I don't fear getting old because I know you're going to take such good care of me." That made me feel good. It was nice to have Dad back in my life again.

The nursing work came easily to me at first. I loved to knit, so in the wintertime I would knit lap blankets for my patients, and in the morning instead of just giving them their meds and pushing my medicine cart to the next room, I would sit down and talk with them and brush their hair and put on their makeup, or even do some exercise with them. I was all about engaging my patients. It felt good to be good.

It also felt good to be around hot doctors, whom I flirted with shamelessly. The other nurses would often tease me about what a big flirt I was and say things like, "Oh, Linda. You belong in front of the camera." Or, "Oh, Linda, you should model." I didn't have the heart to tell them that I tried modeling. I was embarra.s.sed to let them know I blew it. Besides, I was enjoying my new life. For the first time, I didn't have to watch my weight and I wasn't messed up on drugs and alcohol. At age twenty-two, I was finally feeling pretty happy and normal.

But as time went on, the work became a little more difficult and a lot more depressing. There were still a lot of great patients whom I enjoyed helping, but the day-in, day-out nature of the job started to take a toll on me. My breaking point came one day with one of my regular patients--a woman named Catherine, who was in her mid-seventies and had a bad case of Alzheimer's. She was demanding every single kind of drug under the sun. I helped her as much as I could, but she just kept hitting her call light and demanding more. At one point, she put on her light and asked me to put her on the bedpan, which I did. Normally, another nurse would have come in a few minutes later to remove it. But the nurse ignored the light. An hour or so later, I saw her call light was going off again. I was about to leave for lunch, but I felt really bad for her and I thought to myself, "I'll stop by her room one last time and see what she needs before I go."

From my nursing days I walked into her room and before I could even ask her what she needed, she took her bedpan from underneath her and threw it at me. She might have been an old lady, but she had a good arm--it was a direct hit. I was standing there, soaked in her urine, and she told me, "That's what you get for not coming back on time."

I thought to myself, "Oh my G.o.d. This just did not happen to me." In that moment, I was deeply humbled. Here is a woman who can't go to the bathroom on her own and the only way to communicate with me is to throw a f.u.c.king bedpan at my head. It felt awful. I wiped the urine off my face and decided in that moment that there had to be something better for me out there. I took the rest of the day off and I quit my job the very next day. It was the spring of 1999 and time for a fresh start.

I had been living in an apartment in Canoga Park, California, a city in the Valley--the p.o.r.n capital of the world. It was a small place, but for my friends and me it was our dream pad--a real party apartment. My girlfriends would drop by all the time to hang out there. When I arrived home soaked in urine that day and ready for a shower, two friends were waiting for me: Elena, a hairdresser, and Honey, a photographer. I told them what had just happened, and we began brainstorming about what else I could do with my life. Naturally, the talk turned to modeling. Honey said, "I think you should pose for Playboy Playboy. I think that it would be an amazing opportunity for you."

I had never done nude modeling before, but the idea appealed to me. I was an exhibitionist and, of course, I grew up loving those girls in Playboy Playboy. Elena wasn't so sure. "I think you're too good to do Playboy Playboy," she said. "I think it's degrading to women. I don't think you should do it." I didn't think it was degrading to women. I figured if nude modeling was good enough for my idols, then it was good enough for me.

At the time, I was a size 6 and 135 pounds. That was way too large to go back to runway, print, or commercial modeling. You need to be about 110 at my height for that kind of modeling. But you can can be a size 6 or even larger to pose in be a size 6 or even larger to pose in Playboy Playboy or other nude magazines, and that is what I love about that part of the industry. You don't have to be stick thin to show the world you're beautiful. This was a door that was open to someone like me, so I ran through that door with my arms and legs wide open. or other nude magazines, and that is what I love about that part of the industry. You don't have to be stick thin to show the world you're beautiful. This was a door that was open to someone like me, so I ran through that door with my arms and legs wide open.

Nude modeling and p.o.r.n are the only areas of the entertainment industry that seemed to truly embrace women of all sizes, shapes, colors, and backgrounds. Hollywood makes you conform to being that size 0, but p.o.r.n and s.l.u.tty magazines don't. It's an equal-opportunity industry. In mainstream Hollywood, a woman like me--half Thai, size 6, big double-D natural b.r.e.a.s.t.s--wouldn't get work. The real Hollywood discriminates. But the other other Hollywood--the s.e.xier side of Tinseltown--welcomes all. Marilyn Monroe and Bettie Page weren't stick figures and they got tons of work, so I learned to enjoy my voluptuous body. I liked being curvy, just like my idols. Hollywood--the s.e.xier side of Tinseltown--welcomes all. Marilyn Monroe and Bettie Page weren't stick figures and they got tons of work, so I learned to enjoy my voluptuous body. I liked being curvy, just like my idols.

I wanted to be part of this other side of Hollywood. I didn't care that Elena thought Playboy Playboy wasn't good enough for me. I made my decision. I filled out the application and made an appointment down at Playboy Studio West in Santa Monica, California. I was interviewed by a woman named Stephanie, who was impressed by my modeling resume and my look. She told me, "Wow, you are so beautiful. We're going to do a test shoot with you next week and we'll let you know right away." wasn't good enough for me. I made my decision. I filled out the application and made an appointment down at Playboy Studio West in Santa Monica, California. I was interviewed by a woman named Stephanie, who was impressed by my modeling resume and my look. She told me, "Wow, you are so beautiful. We're going to do a test shoot with you next week and we'll let you know right away."

For the test shoot, which was in May 1999, I wore a casual summer dress and sandals. I'd put on my best thong underwear and made sure not to wear a bra so I could really show off my b.o.o.bs. As we were about to shoot, I got worried that I wasn't dressed well enough. Stephanie told me, "Oh, no, don't worry. We're going to put you in a pretty little outfit and we're going to do your hair and makeup."

"Perfect." I felt at ease and excited at the same time.

As I walked down the hallways of Playboy West Studios to the dressing room, I saw pictures all over the walls of various beautiful girls, one after the other, including Marilyn Monroe. That really clinched it for me.

The makeup artist was a really sweet girl named Kimberly. She started playing with my hair. She picked up a handful and said, "Wow, you have just about the thickest hair I've ever seen on any girl."

I wondered whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.

She sat me down in the chair and she put my hair in hot rollers and started painting my face. They brought me a cup of tea, a c.o.ke, and some iced coffee and got me all jacked up. Then they took me to the wardrobe room and picked out a s.e.xy, matching black bra-and-panty set for me.

My strongest memory of the studio is how cold it was. It was a hot summer day outside, but it was ice cold in there. In the middle of the studio was a giant bed with big fluffy pillows surrounded by big beautiful lights. I'd been a little nervous about being in front of the camera again--it had been six years since I'd done any modeling. But I have to say that modeling is like riding a bike. I just automatically fell back into it. They asked me to lie on the bed and I did, arching my back, looking right into the camera. It felt so natural, just like my first test shoot but more glamorous.

The photographer's only direction to me was this: "OK, this is for your expression: I want lots of 'Ooohs' and lots of 'Ahhhs.' 'Oooh. Ahhh.' Get it?"

I got it. And for the next twenty minutes I went "oooh" and "ahhh" and it was a lot of fun. It was an amazing feeling being in front of the camera again, and I really enjoyed it. It felt like being a princess for a day. After that, I went to my little Mazda 323 hatchback and called my friend Honey. "Well, I did it. I wonder what they're going to say."

She was confident. "Oh, they're going to pick you for sure."

Sure enough, I got a call the very next day. It was Stephanie: "We'd like to have a meeting with you to talk about being in Playboy Playboy ." They wanted me! I was thrilled. I couldn't believe it. We set up a meeting for the following Monday. I was on my way. ." They wanted me! I was thrilled. I couldn't believe it. We set up a meeting for the following Monday. I was on my way.

As if fate knew what I was about to do, that same week I saw an ad for figure models at Jim South's World Modeling Agency on Van Nuys Boulevard in Van Nuys, California, and I walked right in. I figured if Playboy Playboy wanted me, other magazines would too. So I marched into World Modeling's offices in these super-short white denim shorts, a baby blue tank top, and heels, looking like Miss s.l.u.tterina, and told them I wanted to model. wanted me, other magazines would too. So I marched into World Modeling's offices in these super-short white denim shorts, a baby blue tank top, and heels, looking like Miss s.l.u.tterina, and told them I wanted to model.

"Oh my G.o.d. Who are you you?" said a woman in her late twenties named Chazz. She was Jim South's receptionist, and I'd later find out that she was a performer in the p.o.r.n industry too. I'd also later find out that World Modeling didn't just rep girls for nude magazines, but for adult films as well.

"I'm Linda. I'm here for the figure modeling."

Chazz must have liked what she saw because she immediately took me into one of the back rooms and Polaroided me. That's what they did back then. They would take quick Polaroid photos to get a feel for how you photograph. She took a few shots from the front, a few from the back, a few from the side, and then said, "I can definitely get you in Penthouse Penthouse."

"Penthouse? Oh my G.o.d," I thought to myself. Oh my G.o.d," I thought to myself.

"When can I get in Penthouse Penthouse?" I asked Chazz.

"I'm going to call photographer Suze Randall. She shoots for the magazine. She'll shoot you and then submit the photos to Penthouse Penthouse and we'll see." and we'll see."

"Great!" I couldn't believe it. Playboy Playboy and and Penthouse Penthouse?!

A few days later, I went to Suze Randall's studio on Kotner in Santa Monica, California. Suze is this wonderful d.y.k.ey woman with cropped blond hair like Victoria Beckham, schoolmarmish gla.s.ses, and a charming thick British accent. I showed up in a matching peach bra and thong set and asked, "Do you want me to get naked?" I was ready to bare all.

"No, darling," Suze said. "Keep your clothes on this time." She took ten photos of me in my bra and panties and said, "Oh yeah. We're getting you in Penthouse Penthouse. I'm shooting you next week."

She followed through. We shot that Friday for Penthouse Penthouse. It was just a few days before my scheduled Monday meeting with Playboy Playboy. I couldn't believe it was happening so fast. All I could think was, "I'm going to be in Playboy Playboy and and Penthouse Penthouse, make tons of money, and be famous!" This was my second chance at modeling and my ticket back. I was filled with a newfound optimism about my career and my life.

The shoot for Penthouse Penthouse was unlike any shoot I had done up to that point. It was at Suze's ranch in Calabasas, California, and it was the biggest, most glamorous shoot I'd ever done. I was so thrilled to have Emma Nixon, one of the most highly regarded makeup and hairstylists in the industry, do my hair and makeup. She worked with everyone. I was floored that the same woman who helped make Pamela Anderson look so beautiful was working on me, too. I felt like I was finally at the level I always wanted to be. was unlike any shoot I had done up to that point. It was at Suze's ranch in Calabasas, California, and it was the biggest, most glamorous shoot I'd ever done. I was so thrilled to have Emma Nixon, one of the most highly regarded makeup and hairstylists in the industry, do my hair and makeup. She worked with everyone. I was floored that the same woman who helped make Pamela Anderson look so beautiful was working on me, too. I felt like I was finally at the level I always wanted to be.

The problem was that I had no idea what I was doing. Sure, I had modeled before, but never completely naked! For instance, I had no idea I was supposed to spread my p.u.s.s.y. I'm starting to pose for photos and I'm just lying there with my legs wide open, thinking this was how you do it. The next thing I know, Suze takes a Q-tip covered in baby oil and she starts petting my p.u.s.s.y with it. She stroked the lips, she stroked the inside edge, she stroked around the outside of my p.u.s.s.y with this moist little Q-tip.

"Pinky, pinky, pinky," Suze was saying in that British accent of hers.

"Pinky?" What the h.e.l.l is she saying?

"Yes, darling, you need to show your p.u.s.s.y. We need to see more pink. Pinky, pinky, pinky!"

I had no idea you had to, as Suze said, get the p.u.s.s.y all "shiny and glistening and inviting." That's where the baby oil came in.

With my p.u.s.s.y moistened, open, and ready to be properly photographed, I really got into the shoot. But every time Suze would remind me to "show more pink," I would laugh my a.s.s off. As she shot me, she would say things to coax the s.e.x kitten out of me, such as "Come on, you little s.l.u.t. Open your legs, you little s.l.u.t. Let's see the pink!" Thinking about it now, it sounds so vulgar but at the time she sounded very charming and posh in that British accent, and I couldn't help but giggle every time she said "pinky, pinky, pinky."

Suze and I got along great and I was excited to share my other news with her. I told her that I was meeting with Stephanie at Playboy Playboy on Monday to discuss shooting for them. That was the biggest mistake, because after hearing this news Suze rushed the layout to on Monday to discuss shooting for them. That was the biggest mistake, because after hearing this news Suze rushed the layout to Penthouse Penthouse to make sure that her spread would get published. to make sure that her spread would get published.

That Monday, I walked into Playboy Playboy to see Stephanie and she showed me the contract for me to pose for the magazine. I didn't know anything about contracts, but as I was reading it over it sounded too good to be true: $25,000 for a week's worth of work! I mentioned to Stephanie that $25,000 was practically a year's pay at the nursing home and that I was only paid $5,000 for to see Stephanie and she showed me the contract for me to pose for the magazine. I didn't know anything about contracts, but as I was reading it over it sounded too good to be true: $25,000 for a week's worth of work! I mentioned to Stephanie that $25,000 was practically a year's pay at the nursing home and that I was only paid $5,000 for Penthouse Penthouse.

"Um, Penthouse Penthouse?" said Stephanie as she took the contract away. "You can't be in Playboy Playboy if you are in if you are in Penthouse Penthouse. That's how it goes. Sorry."

Suze Randall I quickly got on the phone with Suze and tried to stop the Penthouse Penthouse spread, but it was too late. The spread, but it was too late. The Penthouse Penthouse spread was a done deal and I was f.u.c.ked. I walked out of spread was a done deal and I was f.u.c.ked. I walked out of Playboy Playboy's offices in tears and cried myself to sleep that night. It wasn't until years later when I became a famous p.o.r.n star that I would have my shot at Playboy Playboy again. And that time, I ended up on the cover of again. And that time, I ended up on the cover of Penthouse Penthouse and and Playboy Playboy within a month of each other, becoming the only girl in history who has ever done that. So, all's well that ends well. But that day in within a month of each other, becoming the only girl in history who has ever done that. So, all's well that ends well. But that day in Playboy Playboy's Santa Monica studio, I felt like someone just punched me in the stomach.

I decided to suck it up. It wasn't a total loss. I mean, Penthouse Penthouse was a huge magazine too. And Suze Randall told me there was more where that came from. She said, "I'll put you in every nude magazine out there." So, that's what I did. I became a nude model, and I was Suze's muse. was a huge magazine too. And Suze Randall told me there was more where that came from. She said, "I'll put you in every nude magazine out there." So, that's what I did. I became a nude model, and I was Suze's muse.

*CHAPTER 7*

My Arousal Within my first year of nude modeling for magazines like Penthouse, Hustler, High Society, Club Penthouse, Hustler, High Society, Club, and Cheri, Cheri, I got a phone call from a man named Andrew Blake. He's a very artistic filmmaker who makes beautiful fetish and softcore erotica movies. To this day, he's considered the most artistic director of adult films. His first film, I got a phone call from a man named Andrew Blake. He's a very artistic filmmaker who makes beautiful fetish and softcore erotica movies. To this day, he's considered the most artistic director of adult films. His first film, Night Trips Night Trips in 1989, was given a silver medal at the WorldFest-Houston International Film Festival, making it the in 1989, was given a silver medal at the WorldFest-Houston International Film Festival, making it the only only p.o.r.n movie to win a medal at a major international film festival. If you wanted to make a beautiful film, Andrew Blake was the man to work with. p.o.r.n movie to win a medal at a major international film festival. If you wanted to make a beautiful film, Andrew Blake was the man to work with.

Needless to say, when Andrew called, I freaked out. He told me, "I have seen your work in all the magazines and I'm interested in filming you in one of my movies."

I was so flattered that he knew my work that I didn't hesitate. "OK," I immediately replied.

"Are you sure?" he asked. He must have been shocked at how easy it was for me to say yes.

I'd never really thought about doing movies before, but the idea instantly appealed to me. Right then and there, I was ready to make the leap. I told him, "Yeah, I'm ready to do something different. I'm ready to live out some of my fantasies. I'm in."

And that was the truth about why I wanted to do p.o.r.n. It really was all about the s.e.x for me, and about acting out my s.e.xual fantasies. Unlike so many girls in the industry, I got into p.o.r.n for the right reasons.

Yes, there are right reasons and wrong reasons to get into p.o.r.n.

THE RIGHT REASONS TO GET INTO p.o.r.n:You love s.e.x and are turned on by doing it in front of a camera.

You're a free spirit.

You don't give a f.u.c.k what other people think about you.

You love the money.

You feel empowered, not degraded.THE WRONG REASONS TO GET INTO p.o.r.n:Your boyfriend made you do it.

Daddy didn't love you enough.

You have to support a drug habit.

You need need the money. the money.

You want to get into Hollywood. (Ladies, p.o.r.n is not, not, I repeat I repeat not not, the gateway to Hollywood!)When Andrew told me that my part in the film Aroused Aroused would be glamorous girl-girl scenes, it sounded like the perfect opportunity to see if film work was for me. I told him right away that I was OK with having my p.u.s.s.y licked by a girl, but I didn't want to lick p.u.s.s.y. I didn't really know how to negotiate, but I knew enough to tell him what I would and wouldn't do in a film. I never let anyone talk me into anything I wasn't comfortable with. This film was like dipping my toe into a pool to test the water. would be glamorous girl-girl scenes, it sounded like the perfect opportunity to see if film work was for me. I told him right away that I was OK with having my p.u.s.s.y licked by a girl, but I didn't want to lick p.u.s.s.y. I didn't really know how to negotiate, but I knew enough to tell him what I would and wouldn't do in a film. I never let anyone talk me into anything I wasn't comfortable with. This film was like dipping my toe into a pool to test the water.I went down to the Aroused Aroused set, which was at a beautiful mansion up on Cielo Drive off of Benedict Canyon in Beverly Hills. I was excited because Cielo Drive was also where the Tate Murder House was, which was where Charles Manson and his followers killed actress Sharon Tate and her friends. I was still obsessed with serial killers like I was when I was a young girl. I had read all about the Manson murders in set, which was at a beautiful mansion up on Cielo Drive off of Benedict Canyon in Beverly Hills. I was excited because Cielo Drive was also where the Tate Murder House was, which was where Charles Manson and his followers killed actress Sharon Tate and her friends. I was still obsessed with serial killers like I was when I was a young girl. I had read all about the Manson murders in Helter Skelter Helter Skelter and now I was actually going to be able to see the house where the madness occurred. It didn't look as creepy as I thought it would on the outside; just your typical Beverly Hills ranch house. and now I was actually going to be able to see the house where the madness occurred. It didn't look as creepy as I thought it would on the outside; just your typical Beverly Hills ranch house.When I got to the shoot, the other girls were already on the set and everyone welcomed me with open arms. I wasn't sure what I was getting myself into, but I wasn't afraid of it. I felt a strange kind of nervous excitement that just washed over me. I couldn't quite believe that I was about to do my first adult movie even though my scenes were pretty mild. They involved a lot of slow, soft, sensual petting, kissing, touching, and posing in erotic ways. No lines of dialogue, thank G.o.d, because I wasn't ready for that!It felt like a real Hollywood movie set. The house was stunning. There were makeup artists, hairdressers, stylists, crew, and a.s.sistants everywhere. I remember being impressed by a plate of cut-up fruit and bottles of sparkling water. It was all very glamorous. And the scenes were beautiful. There was a lot of touching, teasing, and fondling, and many leg shots, b.o.o.b shots, and v.a.g.i.n.a shots. It was beautiful, artistic, and erotic. If Fellini made p.o.r.n, this would be what he'd have made. It was shot in both black and white and color, had a very surreal soundtrack and feel to it, and featured a lot of cla.s.sic fetish elements, such as thigh-high latex boots, old-fashioned stockings, impossible-to-walk-in fetish heels, and dream sequences.Andrew Blake was a very go-with-the-flow director. I remember him directing me by saying, "OK, we are now panning up the legs," and he let me move my legs however I wanted. I glided my right foot over my left leg and he seemed pleased by that. Then he handed me a cigarette from off-camera and just said, "OK, smoke" and I looked into the camera and smoked in a sensuous way. And then he took the cigarette away and gave me a razor and put shaving cream on my legs and said, "OK, shave your legs." So I shaved my legs in the s.e.xiest way I could. (That scene got cut, by the way.) Andrew had the cutest name for the p.u.s.s.y. He called it a fui-fui. So, he'd say, "OK, now we're panning down to the fui-fui." And I'd run my hand over my fui-fui. I wanted to laugh. But I stayed professional.My first scene with another girl was with a performer named Dahlia Grey, who was Andrew's muse and the main star of the movie. She was exotic-looking like me, and Andrew thought we'd look great together. We did. We had several scenes together and even kissed. I had never been with a girl before, but kissing isn't exactly "being with a girl." We kissed and fondled each other, and at once point I even kissed her p.u.s.s.y, but I never went down on her. There was no actual s.e.x or penetration, so my scenes were considered softcore. One of my big scenes was t.i.tled "Sliced Fruit" and they laid me down on the floor with a flower in my hair and juicy exotic fruit on my p.u.s.s.y. A Russian performer whose real name was Lucy (I forget her stage name) ate me out while Dahlia felt me up. It was my first time having a girl go down on me. I had never been with a girl before, but as long as she was doing the licking, I was fine with it. I was excited to do it, actually. But the unknown was a bit scary for me. I didn't know if after the scene I'd want to go home and f.u.c.k her or just shake hands and say good-bye. We ended up just shaking hands and saying good-bye. This doesn't really count as my first girlie scene, since it wasn't hardcore. That comes later.For one of our scenes, we were both wearing super high heels--twelve-inch heels, the kind I'd seen Bettie Page wear in her fetish films. On the first take, we were walking down the side of the house and I tripped and fell. Lucy and I had a good laugh about that. But we got it right for the next take. And then we swam in a pool together. It was a beautiful, in-ground pool, with gla.s.s panels that you could see through. The scene felt very sterile and cold, and I didn't c.u.m. Part of the problem was the set: it was a modern, stone house with a waterfall and koi pond. And part of it was because there wasn't any s.e.xual tension. I wasn't into girls. c.o.c.k got me off, not p.u.s.s.y. So to help motivate me, I imagined that my dream guy--at this time it was Johnny Depp--was looking at me through the lens, and that I was trying to impress him. That's how I got myself through my scenes.It was a four-day shoot (twelve hours a day), and every night I came home exhausted, but elated. I would lie in bed and think to myself, "OK, I made $3,500 today. Tomorrow, I'm going to make another $3,500, and then for the box cover the third day I'm going to make $5,000, and that's going to be a total of $12,000! And I'm going to be able to pay my rent and finally buy those new Gucci shoes I've been wanting. And then maybe I'll get rid of that little Mazda hatchback and buy a new car." My thoughts were racing. I wanted to live life on my own terms, and this felt like the way to get me there.I wasn't at all bothered at the thought of getting naked for the camera. I wasn't hurting myself or doing anything degrading. I felt like I was doing something really beautiful. There was no real s.e.x, just a little bit of p.u.s.s.y licking. This was certainly not Hollywood, but it was the other other Hollywood, and it suited me just fine. That said, I kept my on-screen activities as my dirty little secret. If my best friend Elena thought I was too good for Hollywood, and it suited me just fine. That said, I kept my on-screen activities as my dirty little secret. If my best friend Elena thought I was too good for Playboy Playboy, what would she think if I told her I was doing a p.o.r.no movie? I wasn't going to find out. So I didn't tell anyone.I went home from the Aroused Aroused set so h.o.r.n.y because we did everything but s.e.x in the movie and it made me crave a man. So I went home to my apartment in Canoga Park and knocked on my neighbor's door and said, "Hi. I'm Tera. Want to f.u.c.k?" I don't even remember his name, but he got me through that four-day shoot. set so h.o.r.n.y because we did everything but s.e.x in the movie and it made me crave a man. So I went home to my apartment in Canoga Park and knocked on my neighbor's door and said, "Hi. I'm Tera. Want to f.u.c.k?" I don't even remember his name, but he got me through that four-day shoot.A week or so after we wrapped up the movie, I got a call from a woman named Patty Rhodes, who used to work for Andrew Blake. She had gone out on her own as a producer and heard about the work I had been doing."I hear you're doing movies now," she said."Well, sort of.""I know your work as a model, and I'd love to include you in one of my movies. I would like to make you an offer to do a boy-girl movie with me for Adam and Eve Productions called Fire and Ice Fire and Ice. Is that OK or do you just do girl-girl?"I had no idea what she was talking about. p.o.r.n terms weren't exactly part of my lingo yet. Girl-girl? Boy-girl?"What do you mean?" I asked."Well, you would have s.e.x with a guy instead of a girl," she explained."Oh, that's awesome. I would love to be with a guy! Oh, it's so weird for me to be with a girl. I like guys better than girls."Most girls starting out in the industry do girl-girl films for a few months before diving into boy-girl films, but not me. I was ready to do a real f.u.c.k film right away, so I said yes without hesitation. Knowing what I know now about the industry, this must have been music to her ears.I honestly never thought, and still don't think, that there was anything wrong with having s.e.x for money on camera. It's not too far off from prost.i.tution and that is, as they say, the world's oldest and most honest profession. Any living is an honest one if you're doing it because you want to do it.My saying is this: "We're all ho's on this bus."I don't judge anyone. It's funny because in this business the Playboy Playboy Playmates judge the Playmates judge the Penthouse Penthouse Pets. The Pets. The Penthouse Penthouse Pets judge the p.o.r.n stars. The p.o.r.n stars judge the hookers. But we're all ho's on this bus. What is the difference if you're a high-cla.s.s, high-paid call girl sleeping with a rich guy for $10,000 or you're doing a p.o.r.n movie scene for $10,000? It's the same. I truly don't think p.o.r.n or prost.i.tution should be frowned upon. Pets judge the p.o.r.n stars. The p.o.r.n stars judge the hookers. But we're all ho's on this bus. What is the difference if you're a high-cla.s.s, high-paid call girl sleeping with a rich guy for $10,000 or you're doing a p.o.r.n movie scene for $10,000? It's the same. I truly don't think p.o.r.n or prost.i.tution should be frowned upon.So I went to visit Patty the next day at her house and we talked about the scene. She said my costar would be with a guy named Brick Majors, and she showed me his picture. I thought he was kind of cute. Then she talked money with me."We're willing to pay you top dollar for this," she said. "Twenty-five hundred for just a couple of hours of work.""Great. Sign me up!" I said.I showed up on the set the next night at seven p.m. and was taken aback when I first laid eyes on my costar. Brick came out of the trailer and he looked like a Ken doll come to life. He was really tan and muscular with bleached, spiky hair. My first thought was, "Oh my G.o.d. This guy wears more makeup than me and he's tanner than I am. He's even in better shape than me. What the h.e.l.l am I going to do?"He walked over to me and shook my hand. "Hi, Tera. I'm Brick. I'm happy that we're going to be working together." He was so nice and professional, but I began to feel some b.u.t.terflies in my stomach. This was a big leap. Posing nude is one thing. Doing girl-on-girl p.o.r.n is another. But this was the real deal--I was about to make a hardcore adult film with a man. I remember thinking to myself, "OK. Here's where the switch comes in. I just have to turn that switch on, and I just have to have s.e.x. This is easy. I can do this." But really, I had no idea what I was doing or how to prepare for a scene. I brushed my teeth before my first scene with Brick, and the director yelled at me. "No. No. You're supposed to use mouthwash. If you use a toothbrush, you might get microscopic cuts in your mouth, and that's not safe."I had no idea what the positions were either. I was really winging it. I got my script and it said "reverse cowgirl," and I was like a deer caught in headlights. "Huh? Reverse what?" I asked."It's like cowgirl, but backwards," said the director, Nicholas Steele, who was a blond, Californian surfer-looking guy."Cowgirl backwards? So my back faces him?! Oh my G.o.d! How do I prop myself up?"The cameraman had to walk me through every position. I told him, "Listen, this is my first movie. I don't know what any of these positions are."He told me, "Don't worry. I'll show you before we get to each scene."Once I got famous, I refused to do reverse cowgirl again. I just don't have the leg strength for that. It's a hard position for a girl. It's quite the workout, and I hated to work out. I became known as a "pillow queen." A pillow queen is a p.o.r.n girl who just gets f.u.c.ked and looks beautiful and doesn't do as much of the hardcore work. I was fine with that.p.o.r.n s.e.x POSITIONS:* COWGIRL: COWGIRL: The woman sits on top of the guy, facing him. The woman sits on top of the guy, facing him.* REVERSE COWGIRL: REVERSE COWGIRL:The woman sits on top of the guy with her back to him. This is a director's dream, but an actress's worst nightmare. * * PILE DRIVER: PILE DRIVER:The woman lies on her back with her legs over her head, and the guy is on top and over her.* MISSIONARY: MISSIONARY: Same as your regular missionary, but to get a good angle on a p.o.r.n shoot, the girl usually has to put her leg up on his shoulder and the other leg is open wide to the camera. Same as your regular missionary, but to get a good angle on a p.o.r.n shoot, the girl usually has to put her leg up on his shoulder and the other leg is open wide to the camera.* DOGGY-STYLE: DOGGY-STYLE: Doggy-style in p.o.r.n can be any number of ways where the guy takes you from behind. You can be on all fours. You can be standing. You can be kneeling. You can even be leaning up on a wall. Doggy-style in p.o.r.n can be any number of ways where the guy takes you from behind. You can be on all fours. You can be standing. You can be kneeling. You can even be leaning up on a wall.* SPOON: SPOON: He lies behind you and you're lying side-by-side. It's like spooning when you cuddle, but with a p.e.n.i.s inside you. He lies behind you and you're lying side-by-side. It's like spooning when you cuddle, but with a p.e.n.i.s inside you.* SCISSORS: SCISSORS: This is usually a.s.sociated with lesbian s.e.x where two girls are touching p.u.s.s.y-to-p.u.s.s.y with their legs in an open scissor position. For a guy and girl, the girl lies on her side with her legs open and the guy is either kneeling or standing and inserts himself inside her. This is usually a.s.sociated with lesbian s.e.x where two girls are touching p.u.s.s.y-to-p.u.s.s.y with their legs in an open scissor position. For a guy and girl, the girl lies on her side with her legs open and the guy is either kneeling or standing and inserts himself inside her.

Even though he looked like a Ken doll and that wasn't exactly my type, I found it easy to get aroused by Brick. It felt oddly natural to me. I wasn't very s.e.xually active at this time in my life, so I was pretty excited to just be having s.e.x. Even while I was doing magazines, I decided that I was going to be single so that I didn't have the distraction of a boyfriend. Instead, I wanted to devote my time to building my career. As I did more movies, I would get so excited before going to work. "Woo-hoo! I'm getting laid today! Plus I'm getting $1,000! Yeah!" Money really is a powerful aphrodisiac.

When the time came for our scene, I didn't need any lube because I was naturally wet from being so excited to f.u.c.k on camera. I moved onto my hands and knees on this little stage area to get into the first position: doggy-style. But when I reached around the back to get more traction by grabbing onto his leg, I immediately pulled my hand away. His leg felt like wax and it kind of freaked me out. I hadn't noticed that he was completely hairless, and that waxed leg felt like a mannequin's. I had never been with a guy who had shaved his legs before. It was the weirdest feeling that I had ever felt in my life. I thought, "What is is this? This guy is smooth like a baby! He's smoother than me!" this? This guy is smooth like a baby! He's smoother than me!"

Between getting used to a p.o.r.n guy's shaved legs (I later found out that was pretty common for p.o.r.n guys) and learning how to do all of these s.e.x positions, I was pretty out of my element. Luckily, there wasn't much acting. The only direction I got was the director saying, "We need to hear more from you. Say more!" I didn't know what to say, so I remembered the direction I got on my Playboy Playboy shoot, so I started going "Oooh" and "Ahhh." That seemed to do the trick. The director was happy. shoot, so I started going "Oooh" and "Ahhh." That seemed to do the trick. The director was happy.

Getting penetrated on film for the first time was a bit shocking to me. I was super excited by it and really into the scene, but at the same time I felt vulnerable at having all of these people watching me. Some people can't even be seen in public in a bathing suit, but here I am getting f.u.c.ked by a Ken doll on camera. I knew that I was not like the average girl. Things like this turned me on. I wasn't ashamed. I wanted more. At the same time, I was blown away by my own decision to do this. I kept thinking to myself, "This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy."

We finished, shook hands, and my day's work was completed. It was all very cordial. Leaving the set that night, I was pretty excited. Working with Brick had been a real pleasure. Everyone involved in the production was very nice to me. Patty Rhodes and I became friends. I ended up working for her a lot.

"So, what do you think?" Patty asked me post-shoot.

"It was fun. But you know, Brick isn't really my type. I like it a bit rougher," I said.

"Don't worry, girl. I've got plenty of guys that will be your type," Patty said.

At about two a.m., I headed home and went to bed. It had all been pretty exhausting, but it was worth it. The money was great and I had fun. I tossed and turned all night thinking, (a) I can't believe I just did that and (b) I can't wait to do it all over again.

*CHAPTER 8*

Get It Up. Get It In. Get It Off. Get It Out.

People say p.o.r.n is degrading to women. I'm no fool. Of course, p.o.r.n can can be degrading to women. Some p.o.r.nos have scenes in which a man steps on a woman's head, which may sound freaky to you but is pretty common in the industry. It's not one I've ever done because, to me, it be degrading to women. Some p.o.r.nos have scenes in which a man steps on a woman's head, which may sound freaky to you but is pretty common in the industry. It's not one I've ever done because, to me, it is is degrading. In other movies the men spit on women, but I won't let anyone spit on me. Double and triple a.n.a.l isn't for me either. Putting two or three c.o.c.ks in a woman's a.s.s is solely about degrading her. One is enough for me. Some girls don't like getting a facial (that's when a guy c.u.ms all over your face). But that's a big turn-on for me. It's so dirty that it's hot, and I didn't care if it ruined my makeup. There was only one rule: don't shoot me in the eye. But it's happened by accident and I didn't have any hard feelings. I just said, "Get me a baby wipe, please," and continued on. I have my rules, I play by them, I make others follow them, and the consequence is that I don't get hurt. It's really been as simple as "A, B, C, don't f.u.c.k with me." degrading. In other movies the men spit on women, but I won't let anyone spit on me. Double and triple a.n.a.l isn't for me either. Putting two or three c.o.c.ks in a woman's a.s.s is solely about degrading her. One is enough for me. Some girls don't like getting a facial (that's when a guy c.u.ms all over your face). But that's a big turn-on for me. It's so dirty that it's hot, and I didn't care if it ruined my makeup. There was only one rule: don't shoot me in the eye. But it's happened by accident and I didn't have any hard feelings. I just said, "Get me a baby wipe, please," and continued on. I have my rules, I play by them, I make others follow them, and the consequence is that I don't get hurt. It's really been as simple as "A, B, C, don't f.u.c.k with me."

I won't put myself in any scene that I don't fully enjoy doing, and I always make sure my movies are beautiful. I got into p.o.r.n because I was a twenty-two-year-old free spirit who loved to get her freak on, live out wild s.e.xual fantasies, and feel beautiful and desired. And frankly, I just love to get f.u.c.ked. And it got me off. I didn't have to fake o.r.g.a.s.ms because I was really into the s.e.x and it was an extra turn-on to have people watching me have s.e.x. That made me c.u.m hard. It is empowering for me, not degrading. I can't say what's right and wrong for other girls. Maybe some girls actually enjoy getting spit on, and if that's the case, then I don't judge them. But I know what makes me feel good and what makes me feel bad and throughout my entire ten years of doing p.o.r.n, I never said yes to anything that I didn't fully and wholeheartedly want to do. Unfortunately, not all girls in p.o.r.n can say the same thing and those are the films that give p.o.r.n a bad name.

MY s.e.xUAL LIKES:* Rough s.e.x* Hair-pulling* Mild choking* Getting tied up* Playing the submissive* Strong, tough, tattooed menMY s.e.xUAL DISLIKES:* Head-stepping* Spitting* Slapping (well, sometimes)* Double anything* Girlie-guys With my rules firmly in place and a true excitement for the industry, I hit the ground running hard. Between June and December of 1999, I was shooting two or three times a week, making $15,000 a month, and had ama.s.sed a collection of about forty movies, including s.e.x Island, Up and c.u.mmers, Foot Lovers Only, The Video Adventures of Peeping Tom 22, Farmer's Daughters Do Beverly Hills s.e.x Island, Up and c.u.mmers, Foot Lovers Only, The Video Adventures of Peeping Tom 22, Farmer's Daughters Do Beverly Hills, and others. I upgraded my car from a Mazda 323 hatchback to a much nicer Honda Accord and moved out of my little apartment in Canoga Park to a fancier loft in Woodland Hills, California. I also discovered Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills and could finally afford Gucci and Prada instead of Forever 21 and Steve Madden. I even upgraded my name. My given name, Linda Ann Hopkins, wasn't going to cut it in this industry, so after trying out a few stage names, I settled on Tera Patrick.

SAY MY NAME:Here's the history of my various names over the years: LINDA ANN HOPKINS: This is my birth name. My parents actually considered naming me Florida. Yes, Florida, as in the Sunshine State. It fit with Dad's hippie style, but Mom thought it might be too weird and liked the name Linda because it means "beautiful" in Spanish. The nurse asked, "So, is it Florida or Linda?" and Mom just settled on Linda. It was a popular name at the time. This is my birth name. My parents actually considered naming me Florida. Yes, Florida, as in the Sunshine State. It fit with Dad's hippie style, but Mom thought it might be too weird and liked the name Linda because it means "beautiful" in Spanish. The nurse asked, "So, is it Florida or Linda?" and Mom just settled on Linda. It was a popular name at the time.*On the set of Caribbean Undercover Caribbean Undercover in 1999 in 1999 BROOKE MACHADO: I used this name for the foot fetish film, I used this name for the foot fetish film, Foot Lovers Only. Foot Lovers Only. I just liked the name Brooke for a first name, so I used that. The photographer thought I looked Brazilian and said it would be cool if people thought I was from Brazil so he gave me the last name Machado. I just liked the name Brooke for a first name, so I used that. The photographer thought I looked Brazilian and said it would be cool if people thought I was from Brazil so he gave me the last name Machado.

BROOKE THOMAS: I was shooting my very first photo layout with Suze Randall for I was shooting my very first photo layout with Suze Randall for Club Club magazine and the photographer's name was Chris Thomas. He asked me to come up with a name that I liked and I said Brooke and I liked his last name, so Brooke Thomas was born. I used this name for the movie magazine and the photographer's name was Chris Thomas. He asked me to come up with a name that I liked and I said Brooke and I liked his last name, so Brooke Thomas was born. I used this name for the movie Real s.e.x Magazine 22 Real s.e.x Magazine 22 as well. as well.

SADIE JORDAN: This name was given to me for the movie This name was given to me for the movie Paradise Hotel Paradise Hotel and I don't even remember how or why I got the name. Sometimes they just put random names on the DVD box. They do that all the time. I'm also credited as Sadie Jordan for and I don't even remember how or why I got the name. Sometimes they just put random names on the DVD box. They do that all the time. I'm also credited as Sadie Jordan for Gallery of Sin Gallery of Sin in 1999. in 1999.

LINDA ANN SHAPIRO: I never went by the name Linda Ann Shapiro. I never went by the name Linda Ann Shapiro. Wikipedia.org got that wrong! got that wrong!

TARA PATRICK: Misspelling! My name was misspelled as Tara instead of Tera for Misspelling! My name was misspelled as Tara instead of Tera for Crossroads, Aroused, Crossroads, Aroused, and and Real s.e.x Magazine 23 Real s.e.x Magazine 23, both in 1999, and maybe a few others.

TERA PATRICK: I loved the name Tera because "terra" means Earth. And when I found out Carmen Electra's real name is Tara (with an "a" not an "e") Patrick, that made it even better. Who wouldn't want to be named after a s.e.x symbol like her? I began doing business as Tera Patrick in 1999, but I didn't legally change my name to Tera Patrick until April 3, 2009. I loved the name Tera because "terra" means Earth. And when I found out Carmen Electra's real name is Tara (with an "a" not an "e") Patrick, that made it even better. Who wouldn't want to be named after a s.e.x symbol like her? I began doing business as Tera Patrick in 1999, but I didn't legally change my name to Tera Patrick until April 3, 2009.

In 1999 I was feeling like a hot, young chick on my own, and for the first time I felt responsible and in charge of my life. And I felt beautiful and confident. I thought, "It doesn't get any better than this! I get free s.e.x with no strings attached. And I get paid good money to do something I love." I was enjoying life. I was free. And I was h.o.r.n.y. My motto was: "Get it up. Get it in. Get it off. Get it out." That was my att.i.tude on and off the set. I just didn't want a boyfriend at the time. I threw my idea of getting married out the window for a few years and focused on having fun and making money instead.

Three shoots stood out the most in 1999. They involved rough s.e.x, a Lost in Translation Lost in Translation moment, and Jenna Jameson and a big black d.i.l.d.o. Let me fill you in. moment, and Jenna Jameson and a big black d.i.l.d.o. Let me fill you in.