Seven Year Switch Part 23

The dozen or so women in the hut were of every age, shape, and size. We moved with an energy that was sensual, feminine, life affirming. n.o.body laughed or made self-deprecating comments about their bodies. n.o.body said anything-not even Cynthia. It took our complete focus to follow the instructor's movements. I willed my rib cage to move without taking my abdomen with it, made my right shoulder jut forward while my left slid back, all with a focus that felt almost telekinetic.

The air was less humid here in Tamarindo than it had been in San Jose, but even with a ceiling fan, it wasn't much cooler inside than it was outside. Ten minutes in, we were all covered with sweat, but it only made our movements looser, more sinuous.

My head cleared and Seth slipped away. I actually felt him go, as if I'd been holding a helium-filled balloon closed with my hand so the air couldn't escape, and when I let go it sputtered and swirled as it became airborne, higher and higher until it was just a distant dot in the sky.

I felt lighter, too, as if I were transcending the weight that had been holding me down, holding me back. I didn't regret the years Seth and I had been together. We'd loved each other. We'd brought our amazing daughter into the world. What I regretted was giving him the last seven years of my life by not moving on.

No more. It was my time now.

I moved my hips to the music like I'd never moved them before. The coins on my scarf tinkled and clanked, clanked and tinkled, calling out to the universe that my future would be filled with abundance. I would always have enough. I would always be enough.

"OhmiG.o.d, I think that was better than s.e.x," Cynthia said when we finished.

Joni untied her hip scarf. "Let's not get carried away."

I walked past them and out the door of the hut, floating through the flowers and the sunshine.

"Hey, wait up," Joni yelled.

I stopped and bent down to get a closer look at a clump of orchids near the path. Each one was more perfect than the one before.

"What's the rush, girlfriend?" Cynthia said.

I looked up just in time to see one of my monkey friends swinging to the next tree. "I want to do it all. Yoga and zip gliding and b.u.t.terfly watching. And I don't want to miss a single sunrise or sunset while we're here."

"Welcome back, honey," Joni said.

"DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING really hot I can borrow?" I asked.

"Sure," Cynthia said. She looked up from her magazine. "Just about everything."

"Black dress," I said. "s.e.xy. I never ever wear anything s.e.xy. Not I'm-looking-for-a-man s.e.xy, but I-like-who-I-am-and-I'm-not-afraid-to-show-it-to-the-world s.e.xy."

Cynthia swung her legs over the edge of the bed. "Not a problem, girlfriend. It's about time you asked for some wardrobe help. I've been trying to send you a telepathetic message about that since we got here."

"Don't worry," I said. "I'm here for you, too." I opened our tiny refrigerator and grabbed another bottle of water. Between the surfing, the belly dancing, and the yoga cla.s.s I'd managed to fit in after lunch, I'd gone through at least six so far today.

I handed one to Cynthia. "First of all," I said, "it's telepathic, not telepathetic. Now I think you're actually a very intelligent woman, and with a little bit of focus-"

Cynthia looked at me. She clunked her water bottle down on the bedside table. She flipped her magazine onto her bed like a Frisbee. "What is this, some new twist on My Fair Lady? You give me three new vocabulary words a day and I teach you how to dress like a ho? I said telepathetic because I meant telepathetic. It was a cross between telepathic and pathetic. It was a joke. Or do you need me to teach you how to recognize jokes?"

I looked at her. What a fascinating place the world was.

"Dress like a wh.o.r.e," I said. "Not ho."

Cynthia put her hands on her hips. "It's ho or no."

We stared each other down. I blinked first. "Fine," I said. "Dress me like a ho."

Cynthia reached into the tiny closet. "And just for your edification, My Fair Lady was based on George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion."

"As was Educating Rita," I said. "Just for yours."

"Pretty Woman," she said.

"Mighty Aphrodite," I said.

"She's All That, Mannequin, One Touch of Venus," Cynthia said as fast as she could. She handed me a stretchy, strapless black dress.

"Is there another piece to that?" I asked. "I'm not sure this part would make it all the way around my wrist."

Cynthia opened one of the dresser drawers and handed me something flesh-colored. "Don't worry, the Hide and Seek Hi-Rise Body Smoother will shave inches off your life."

"I don't know," I said. I'd always dreamed of trying Spanx, just not in this hemi sphere.

Cynthia handed me a black push-up bra. "Just wait. It'll be like you got a whole body transplant."

I carried everything into the tiny bathroom, peed for about ten minutes from all the water, and jumped into the shower. The bathroom walls, ceiling, and floor were tiled in rough ceramic, and the shower end was curtainless and identifiable only by the drain in the floor and the showerhead on the wall. As I looked up at the thatched ceiling while I shampooed my hair, a tiny lizard darted out of sight.

"Cute," I said out loud. "Just a little lizard. And not the least bit dangerous."

I finished my shower in record time. The lizard was probably just a government plant to keep tourists from wasting water.

By the time I finished drying myself off with a highly absorbent, naturally antibacterial, 100 percent organic unbleached bamboo bath towel, I was sweating again.

I picked up the Spanx body-smoothing contraption. What the h.e.l.l, I thought.

"Cheesuz," Cynthia said when I came out. "Who knew you could look that good."

"Thanks," I said.

I stood in front of the mirror on the back of the door and spun around so I could get the full view. It was like I'd shrunk two sizes everywhere but my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, which seemed dangerously close to spilling out of both the strapless dress and the push-up bra.

"Wow," I said. I couldn't take my eyes off myself. "Okay, well, now that I know I can look like this, do you have anything a little more appropriate I can borrow for dinner?"

"Abstemious, triskaidekaphobia, and supercalifragilisticexpialidocious," Cynthia said.

"What?"

Cynthia smiled. "Those are my three vocabulary words for the day. Now you have to go out there and own that dress."

38.

IT TOOK US A WHILE TO GET TO THE POOLSIDE RESTAURANT where we were meeting the GGG group for dinner, because Cynthia's strappy leather sandals were half a size too small and impossible to walk in.

"This is ridiculous," I said as I wobbled along the path. "I'm going back for my flip-flops."

"You can do it, girlfriend," Cynthia said. "After a while you get used to the suffraging."

The outdoor restaurant was fairly crowded, so we stopped at the edge of the patio to look for our group. A local band was playing a wooden fluteheavy cover of Santana's "Black Magic Woman." We rocked our hips to the jungly beat, and Cynthia and I gave each other a couple of hip b.u.mps. I yanked up the black dress before I lost it.

In the center of the courtyard, three round tables had been pulled together in the shape of a snowman. In the soft glow of candles and palm trees strung with white lights, I could just make out Joni sitting at the head table.

There was an empty table right in front of us, and a small ceramic vase in the center held three pinkish purple orchids. I reached for one and tucked it behind my ear. A stream of water dribbled down the side of my neck, and I wiped it off with the back of my hand.

"I can't believe I have to pee again already," I said. "I'll meet you at the table."

Going to the bathroom in Spanx might not be that tricky under the best of circ.u.mstances, but in ninety-something-degree weather and tropical humidity it was going to be a challenge.

There was a little split in the crotch, but I wasn't sure if it was for ventilation or elimination, and somehow I wasn't feeling quite that adventurous.

Music and laughter floated into the tiny thatched-roof bathroom as I thought my options through. Okay, if I rolled the dress up from the bottom, and the Spanx down from the top, it should work, right?

I tottered on Cynthia's fancy sandals as I rolled her dress up under my armpits. Then I tottered some more as I peeled the stretchy fabric of the Hide and Seek Hi-Rise Body Smoother away from my hot, sweaty skin like a Band-Aid.

My torso was finally free, but the same elasticity that had taken inches off my midriff was now making it impossible for me to separate my knees more than a fraction of an inch. Slowly, I worked Cynthia's Spanx down around my ankles.

I sat on the toilet, my sweaty b.u.t.t sticking to the biodegradable toilet seat cover. I took a deep breath and released my pent-up pee like a waterfall.

Just as I finished, I felt the hairy tickle of something on my left calf.

I looked down. Cynthia's black strapless dress was rolled up over her black push-up bra, my ankles were bound in Spanx, and a black zebra tarantula the size of a small country was crawling up my leg.

Leave it to me to die in a bathroom in Costa Rica just when I was ready to start living again. I only hoped Anastasia was strong enough to get through the loss. And that her heart was already filled with enough memories of me to last her a lifetime. Seth would take good care of her, at least I thought he would, and if he didn't, I'd find a way to come back and haunt him until he got on track again. Maybe I'd luck out, and the next world, if there was one, would turn out to be an endless whirl of belly dancing.

I forced my frozen body to move. Carefully, I wrapped a long sheet of toilet paper around my right hand like a bandage.

Centimeter by centimeter, I stood up, my heart pounding in my chest.

"One, two, three," I whispered quietly.

"One, two, three," I whispered again, because it didn't work the first time.

I flicked the tarantula across the room with my toilet-paper covered hand.

I yanked Cynthia's dress down. I tried to pull up the Spanx, but it was drenched in sweat and my hands were shaking. I un-buckled Cynthia's sandals as fast as I could, kicked them off, then stepped out of the Spanx.

I grabbed the sandals and threw the door open, waving the Spanx behind me in case the tarantula tried to follow.

Billy Sanders was standing right outside the door. I threw myself into his arms.

"What's wrong?" he said.

I pointed. "A tarantula. A black zebra tarantula. Do something."

He pulled the bathroom door shut. And then he kissed me.

"Wait a minute," I said when we finally finished. "What are you doing here?"

He held up one end of the Spanx. "Is there a story behind this?"

I yanked it away. "Don't change the subject."

Billy shrugged. "Well, since you weren't returning my phone calls, I stopped by your house. There were some kids playing in the front yard, so I asked them if you were home. A little boy said you went to Costco with his mother. Then a cute little girl in a pink headband said no you didn't-you were in Cost-Eureka. My dad had just mentioned he was heading over here for a meeting with Joni Robertson to discuss buying her ut, so I put two and two together and tagged along with him."

"Your dad," I said.

"Yeah, he still insists on spearheading all new business decisions."

"I don't need you to buy Great Girlfriend Getaways," I said.

Billy squinted his racc.o.o.n eyes. "I didn't realize you were part owner."

"I'm not. What I mean is, I don't need to be rescued."

He reached over and opened the bathroom door.

"Don't!" I took a step away. "Can you just do something about that tarantula?"

"Sure. Shall I take out the trash, too, while I'm in there?"

"Never mind," I said. "I'll handle it."

I did the best I could to fit the Spanx into Cynthia's clutch bag while I walked quickly toward the restaurant area. A tray-carrying waiter appeared.

"Excuse me?" I said.

He stopped.

"There's a black zebra tarantula in the restroom," I said.

He shook his head. "What else is new. That's the only thing that sucks about living down here. It's friggin' gorgeous, but there's friggin' wildlife everywhere."

"Where are you from?" I asked.

"Boston," he said.

"Me, too," I said.

"Wherever we go, there we are." He shifted the tray on his shoulder. "This sucker's heavy. Have a good one."

I turned around, fully expecting to see Billy laughing, but he was gone.