Seven Brides - Fern Part 36

"I saw you kissing her!" Fern shouted. "I heard you say you loved her. Why shouldn't I believe it?"

"Because I told you I love you. I asked you to be my wife."

"And I believed you, fool that I was."

"Samantha is my friend. We've known each other most of our lives."

"But that doesn't mean you have to kiss her!" Fern shouted. "Pike and Reed are my friends, but I don't go around kissing them. I sure don't tell them I love them. They'd think I was crazy."

"Do you want to know what we were doing in that room?"

"I already know."

"No, you don't. You only think you do."

"I suppose you weren't kissing her."

"Yes, I was."

"I suppose you didn't say you loved her."

"I don't remember, but I probably did."

"You don't remember!" Fern squeaked. "I don't suppose you remember you said you loved me either."

"I think I remember every word I've ever said to you."

There he was trying to sweet-talk her again, to make her think she was important to him. The part that made her so mad was that she wanted to believe him. She didn't, but she wanted to mighty bad. When she couldn't break away, she looked away. She might not be able to leave his arms, but she didn't have to took into his eyes and see the look of sincerity. She didn't know how he could lie with such conviction. She never could. She supposed it came from being a lawyer.

"Samantha and I were talking about you." "And you got so carried away with your love for me, you had to kiss somebody. So you kissed the first female handy which just happened to be the beautiful Miss Bruce."

"I told her I had asked you to marry me, but I was concerned about taking you back to Boston."

"You probably thought I'd wear my pants and sheepskin vest to your fancy parties. That would embarra.s.s you, wouldn't it? I can just imagine what your old friends would say. I can't imagine what's come over Madison to fall for that female. Surely he can see she belongs in a saloon rather than a salon."

"I said I thought it would be very lonely for you, not having any friends."

"You can't expect virtual savages to have friends, particularly not in Boston. Maybe you should bring along a buffalo or a prairie dog to keep me company. But don't choose a rattlesnake. It would remind me too much of you."

"She said she'd be happy to introduce you to her friends and to be sure you didn't feel neglected when I had to be away on business."

Fern's anger faltered.

"Why should she do that? She's in love with you herself."

"Don't be ridiculous. Samantha's like a sister. I can still remember the first time I visited Freddy. She couldn't have been more than six or seven."

"It doesn't matter how old she was then. She's in love with you now."

"But I've never done anything to make her fall in love with me."

Fern could feel her anger deflate like a punctured balloon.

"You don't have to. Women fall in love by themselves all the time. I fell in love with you when I still thought you were the most miserable, conceited wretch on the face of the earth."

"Then you do still love me," Madison said, squeezing her so tightly she doubted she could take a deep breath.

Hope, the stubborn little b.a.s.t.a.r.d, just wouldn't go away. He popped up again like an apple in a tub.

I said I fell in love with you," Fern corrected. "I didn't say I stayed in love."

"You're too stubborn to change your mind once you've made it up."

d.a.m.n, she was letting him sweet-talk her again. "You are undoubtedly the most conceited, obnoxious"

Madison kissed her firmly on the mouth. I think I fell in love with you that day you jumped on your horse and took out across the plains. And I haven't changed my mind, either."

She could feel herself giving in, believing him. "Then why were you kissing Samantha?" Fern demanded. "Why did you say you loved her?"

I do love her," Madison said. I love her whole family. They had the courage to take a penniless Southern boy into their home during a bitterly fought war. They paid for my education, made a place for me in their circle of friends, and made me feel like one of the family. I'll always love them, but that doesn't mean I want to marry Samantha. She's like my sister."

"That's not the way she feels."

"How do you know? Did she tell you?"

"No, but I can tell. Rose knew that first evening."

Madison looked stunned. "I never knew. Why didn't she say something?"

"She would never tell you, especially if she thought you loved someone else."

She could see the uncertainty in his eyes. He clearly didn't want to hurt Samantha. It was impossible to disbelieve the sincerity in his voice, and Fern felt ashamed of herself for doubting him.

She should have realized long ago that Madison wouldn't lie. He didn't care what other people thought of him. If she hadn't been so uncertain of herself, so sure he couldn't love her for herself, she would have seen it.

Madison had never lied to her. She had lied to herself. For years. All the time.

Fern felt her resolution begin to crumble. Then it washed away like sand before an incoming wave. She loved him, hopelessly, irrevocably. She must trust him, and she must trust herself.

"I'm sorry if I've hurt Samantha," Madison said. "I never meant to, but I still love you. I still want to marry you."

"Are you sure?" Fern asked, her voice softer.

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life. You've made me so crazy I've even found myself going to William Henry for advice."

"What?" Fern asked, a bubble of happiness about to burst within her.

I went looking for Rose, to ask how I could help you get over your aversion to me, but she wasn't there."

Fern sobered quickly. "I'm still not sure, but I think I can learn to let you make love to me. There's something else. I'm not sure I want any babies."

"Because of what happened to your mother?"

She nodded.

Madison held her more tightly. "I'll take you to the best doctors in New York. We'll even go to Europe if you like. Even then you don't have to have a baby unless you're absolutely sure. I never wanted any until I made the acquaintance of my charming little nephew, but I've got five more brothers. I doubt there'll ever be a shortage of Randolphs in the world."

"Are you certain you wouldn't miss having your own children?"

I don't know, but I'm positive I'd miss you more." He kissed her on the end of her nose. "I've become very used to looking after you. I find I like it very much."

"But there's still the other problem," Fern pointed out.

There was a silence.

"What do you think we ought to do about it?" Madison asked.

"You don't think you could be married without . . . without . . ."

"I want you to be my wife, Fern, no matter what."

But Fern could tell he didn't feel the same way about celibacy as he felt about children. He would try, he would probably succeed, but it would take the heart out of their marriage. She wasn't sure she could endure it herself. Even now, as she felt her body trembling from the prolonged contact with his, she could feel some force within her urging her to cling to Madison, to press against him, to get as close as humanly possible.

She felt as if she were being pulled apart by two forces, her mind telling her that intimacy brought pain and fear and her body telling her that something new and wonderful waited for her in Madison's arms.

"I think we ought to find out."

Madison stared at her. "When?"

Fern swallowed. "Now."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I won't marry you until I know I can be the kind of wife you want and need." She put her fingers to his lips when he tried to speak. "I'd rather see you many Samantha and have a normal marriage than marry me knowing you might be forever consigned to the other side of the bed."

I won't let you"

"This is not your decision," Fern said. "If I can't make love to you, I won't many you. That's final."

"You know I love you, but I couldn't live with myself if I caused you any more pain."

"I'm asking you to," Fern said. "I'm scared, but I want you to." She pulled her arms from his grip and slipped them around him. I still feel the queasy edge of panic when you hold me, but I feel something more. It's like I know that something wonderfully exciting is coming and my entire body tingles with antic.i.p.ation. It's like there's something I want, something I need so badly I ache for it. I feel it more strongly every time you hold me, every time you kiss me. I want to touch you, Madison. I want you to touch me."

Madison gently smoothed the hair back from her forehead. After she'd ripped off her dress, ridden five miles in an open buggy, and thrown practically everything in the house at him, there wasn't much left of Rose's elegant coiffure, or of the pins that held it together.

I want to make love to you so much my body aches," he said. "But more important than that, I want us to spend the rest of our lives together. I don't want to do anything now that might hurt you or endanger that future. Stop me the minute you become scared or uncomfortable or you just don't want to go on. Understand?"

Fern nodded.

"I mean it."

"I know. Now stop talking and kiss me."

The uneasiness, the now-tangible fear, wouldn't go away, but Fern forced herself to concentrate on the pleasure of Madison's kiss. She loved him. She wanted to be his wife. She would overcome her fear of letting him make love to her. She had to. Her whole future depended on it.

But she didn't hate everything. She loved feeling Madison's arms around her. Even standing quietly in the middle of a room, his lips brushing hers in a gentle caress. She couldn't ever remember being held. Even as a little girl, her father wouldn't let her climb up in his lap. He didn't put her to bed. He didn't comfort her when she was hurt or frightened. All her life she had done everything for herself, tried to convince herself she didn't need anyone. That she didn't want anything more.

It was a lie.

She wanted it so desperately she had lied to herself because she thought she would never have it. Now in Madison's arms she knew she could have more of life's riches than any one woman deserved.

If she could only overcome her fears.

Fern focused her mind on Madison's lips. They were so soft and yet so firm and gentle. He nibbled at the corner of her mouth, brushed her lips with his, or moistened her lips with the tip of his tongue. He was still gentle when he pressed down with a more demanding kiss, even when he forced her lips apart and teased her with the tip of his tongue.

His hands held her easily in the strong circle of his embrace. She felt his fingers moving along her back, gently ma.s.saging the tense muscles, slowly pulling her closer, gradually pressing their bodies together until she could no longer ignore the heat building between them.

She erected a shield in her mind against the familiar terror that crept out of its dark cave to destroy her pleasure, to destroy her future. And Madison's as well. Holding him tighter, Fern focused her entire mind on Madison's lips and the warm pleasure his kisses caused to flow into other parts of her body.

"Kiss me," Madison. said.

"I am."

"No, I'm kissing you. There's a difference."

Madison's lips relaxed. Fern felt abandoned. Instinctively she withdrew her arms from around Madison, took his face in her hands, and drew him down to her. His lips were warm and moist but unresponsive. She brushed them with her own. They felt so smooth and soft. She pressed a little harder and still his lips didn't move. Relaxing her lips, she kissed him, tentatively at first, then with greater confidence.

Still he didn't move.

Letting her arms slide around his neck, Fern kissed Madison full on the mouth, her mouth opening, her lips covering his with all the hunger she remembered from his kisses. She could feel a tremor shake him, but he seemed determined that she make her own discoveries.

With mounting excitement, she accepted the challenge.

Hesitantly she traced the line of his lower lip with her tongue. Another tremor caused him to shiver, she hoped with pleasure. Growing more bold, and more impatient, Fern thrust her tongue between his parting lips to brush the smooth surface of his teeth. Fern let out a long sigh of satisfaction and tightened her hold around Madison's neck.

That broke his restraint.

Chapter Twenty-Four.

Madison's hold on Fern tightened until she felt she would be crushed in his arms. His mouth covered hers with a desperation born of long restraint. His tongue plunged into her mouth determined to devour every drop of her sweetness.

But even as his unleashed yearning ignited a similar need in Fern, she felt the muscles in her abdomen constrict. It spread throughout her body until it reached the muscles along her back, neck, and jaw.