Seven Brides - Fern Part 19

"Did you ever try to find out what happened to us after the war?"

Leave it to George to find the one spot he didn't want exposed. There were some things that Madison didn't want to admit, even to himself. Just like Fern. She had constructed walls all around herself to keep out things she didn't want to see, to support the narrow world she had created for herself, to blind her to the things about herself she didn't want to know.

His walls might be less formidable, but they were walls just the same.

"Freddy's father has friends in Washington. It wasn't too difficult to have the army locate you."

"Then you were responsible for General Sheridan."

"No, but when your application for a pardon turned up"

"How did you know about that?"

"Freddy's father."

"Then Grant didn't send the pardons."

"Yes, he did, but they might not have come so quickly."

"And Sheridan?"

"He was chasing bandits. It was easy for him stop by the ranch."

Madison remembered how anxiously he had waited for news. Freddy's family had been kinder and more generous than his own, but during those dark years he'd learned that no one could replace your own family. Just knowing they were alive made everything easier.

"And Hen?"

"The Kansas Pacific is one of our clients. They don't like anything that might disturb the flow of longhorns from Texas. Their trains go west loaded with goods, but they come back mostly empty. Your cattle are sometimes their margin of profit. A war between the Texas drovers and the citizens of Abilene, a war which could easily be set off by the hanging of a member of one of Texas's most prominent families"

"Good G.o.d, whoever called us that?" "is bad for the railroad. They notified us immediately."

"So you knew about Hen's arrest almost as soon as I did."

Madison nodded.

"Will you continue to keep up with us through the company reports after you go back to Boston?"

"I hope that won't be necessary."

"It won't, not if you really want to know."

"I do."

Surprising how difficult it was to say those two words. He felt as if he were admitting to a weakness. It seemed to imply he'd been wrong when he left eight years ago.

"I'd do it over again," Madison said. "I couldn't have done anything else."

"I don't guess I'll ever understand, but I'll try."

"The twins never will."

"We're all learning to accept things we can't understand. Jeff has his arm. I have Pa."

"We all have Pa."

"But it's not so bad if we have each other."

Madison hoped it was true. The need for his father's love and approval was something he'd never admitted. There was no point in it. It was easier to admit he needed George's approval.

"Why did you name your son after him? I could have fallen over when I found out."

"I'll tell you some day."

"Why not now?"

"You're not ready."

That angered Madison. "What do you mean? Is there some special understanding that only people who live in Texas can appreciate?"

"No. It's something no man can appreciate unless he's laid down his weapons, called off all quarrels, and turned his attention to the things he never thought he'd be able to have. You're not there yet. There's too much anger inside. You're fighting too hard to understand."

Madison didn't like that answer, but he had enough innate honesty to know that George was right. He was still fighting to prove he was right when he left the ranch.

"Do you mind if I ask what's in that box?" George asked.

Madison's mood changed abruptly. "Curiosity about to kill the cat?"

"It's not quite that bad," George said, smiling without embarra.s.sment. "One of the drawbacks of being interested in everybody's welfare is being curious about their business as well."

"That shouldn't cause any problem with all of you living in the same house."

"You don't live with us."

A momentary shadow crossed Madison's face. "I don't think I want to tell you. It's a gamble, one that might not work out. I'm not too fond of advertising my failures."

"Want some advice?"

"No."

"Good. I'm not good with women."

"Who said it had anything to do with a woman?"

"No man can be married for five years and not learn to recognize a dress box," George said, amus.e.m.e.nt dancing in his eyes. "Either there's a woman involved, or you've taken up some very strange habits since you went to Boston."

Madison laughed aloud.

"I'd forgotten how you always seemed to know what was going on in my mind, even when I was most determined to keep it from you."

"Some things never change."

"But so much has." "Things that matter don't. We just to learn to look at them differently."

Madison wasn't sure he understood that statement, but he didn't want to explore it at the moment. He had all he could do to explain to himself why he was taking that box back to Abilene.

Chapter Thirteen.

"Have you thought about a dress for the party?" Rose asked Fern.

"No. I"

"Madison did invite you, didn't he? He said he was going to, but men don't always remember things like parties. Not when they can inspect cattle yards or check out dusty trails."

"Yes, but"

"For a terrible moment I thought I had put my foot in it." Rose gave Fern a searching look. "We could go shopping if you don't have anything at home you want to wear. Do they sell party dresses in Abilene?"

"I don't know. I've never bought a dress."

"Never?" Rose said, her eyes widening in surprise.

"Not one," Fern said, a little defiantly. I don't wear dresses." "Did you tell Madison?"

"I told him I wouldn't go with him."

Rose's expression was inscrutable. "He told me he thought you would."

"Madison never listens to what he doesn't want to hear, especially if I'm the one saying it."

Silence.

"Will you go?"

Fern had made up her mind to refuse, several times in fact, but she heard herself say, I might."

"But you can't without a dress."

So Rose wasn't any different from anyone else. Fern didn't know why she had expected she would be. She supposed it was because Rose was usually so understanding. Somehow she'd expected her to understand this as well.

"Why can't I? If it's okay for a man to wear pants, why not for a woman?"

"I know you and Madison have fallen into the habit of doing exactly the opposite of what the other wants," Rose said, rather impatiently, "but Mrs. McCoy's party is no place for personal squabbles, especially if it'll get everybody's back up. People go to a party to relax and enjoy themselves. If you can't enter into the spirit of things, you shouldn't go. Besides, you've already had the benefit of Madison's opinion on your attire."

"I've had his opinion on lots of things."

"Apparently you haven't been listening. Randolph men have many admirable qualities, but pliability isn't one of them."

"I'm not interested in bending him," Fern insisted.

"Good. I should dislike it if you were to engage his affections only to reject him in the end."

"Engage his affections! Me?"

Fern could hardly manage a coherent thought. How was it possible for anyone, but most particularly Rose, to think she was trying to make Madison fall in love with her? Even if she could, she wouldn't have tried. She didn't want to attract men. Not after that night.

"I've never attempted to engage Madison's affections. Besides, if he insists I wear a dress, he can't really care about me."

"His wanting you to wear a dress could mean he cares a great deal."

"How?"

"Maybe he thinks a dress would bring out a part of you that's been locked away since you started wearing pants."

"Like what?"

"You'll have to ask him."

Fern felt a warm ball of excitement spinning in her abdomen. Madison must like her a little. He had kissed her. And he told her she was pretty. He said he'd keep telling her until she believed it. She hadn't dared let herself believe him. But if Rose said he liked her, it might be true.

But Fern had spent so many years telling herself she was homely she'd come to believe it. Now she was sTunned by the intensity of her need to be admired. It gnawed at her gut like a physical hunger.

p.i.s.s and vinegar! You're just like Betty and all the others. In spite of your cussing and pants and sunburn and callused hands and Spanish spurs and fancy cutting horse, you're nothing but a vain female.

She didn't care. She wanted Madison's eyes to light up when he looked at her. She wanted it so much she could feel the muscles knot in her stomach. But she didn't have the courage to accept his invitation to the party and find out. Rose might be wrong. Dammit! She couldn't believe that after all these years she wanted to go to a party.

What could she hope to gain?

She hoped to gain Madison.

G.o.d help her, she must be crazy. She couldn't have fallen in love with him. She didn't want to be in love with anyone.

Oh my G.o.d, she did love him! She had been so busy arguing and threatening to hang Hen that she hadn't noticed what was happening in her own heart.

A feeling of panic took hold of her. She got to her feet. She had to be alone.

"Are you all right?" Rose asked. "You look rather pale."

"I guess I'm not as well as I thought," Fern said.

"Why don't you lie down until lunch. I'll see that no one disturbs you."

You're too late, Fern thought to her self. Much too late.