Senior Semester: All The While Part 15

Why is she here? And why is she messaging my friends? We broke up. Or rather, we never got back together in the first place.

"Uh-huh. I'm really beat tonight. Looking forward to crashing." I tap her back lightly and start to step out of the hug. "Is everything okay?"

"Oh." Disappointment colors her voice for a moment before it's gone. "No worries, I completely understand." Of course she does. Lauren isn't anything if not understanding. "Can we talk for a minute? It's important."

"Sure." I nod toward the stairs that lead to my bedroom.

I hear her soft footsteps padding up the stairs behind me. My shoulders clench as I try and figure out why she would show up out of the blue after weeks of radio silence. And what could be so important that she would have to discuss it with me in person? I hang my head; I'll never understand women.

"So, Laur," I begin, turning to face her. She's literally right behind me, and I momentarily lose my balance, placing a hand on the doorframe to settle myself.

"I have to talk to you," she says, resting her hands on the tops of my shoulders. Her blue eyes crinkle gently as she tries to smile. Removing her right hand, she fiddles with the pendant around her neck. She's nervous. "It's important," she repeats herself.

I nod, dropping my duffle bag on the inside of my bedroom door and taking a seat at my desk, gesturing to her to have a seat across from me on the bed. I hope it's nothing serious. I hope she's not in some kind of trouble. She looks ... well ... a bit nervous but otherwise happy. She doesn't seem distressed or upset at all; her blue eyes are clear and unaffected by the awkwardness hanging between us. "Have a seat." I try to smile.

She sits gingerly on the edge of the bed, her right knee bouncing lightly.

"Okay," I say, leaning toward her, placing my elbows on my knees and giving her my full attention. "What's up? Are you okay?"

She scoots back onto my bed, sitting cross-legged in the center and picking at a thread in my comforter. "I don't want to you to freak out, okay?"

She's stalling. What the h.e.l.l is going on? Was she like this after we broke up last year?

"Sure." I nod.

She takes a deep breath. "I'm late."

I check my FitBit for the time. "For what? You didn't have to wait around for me to get back. We can talk about whatever this is another time if that's better for you."

She shakes her head. "No, I'm late."

What the h.e.l.l is she talking about? I must look incredibly confused because Lauren leans forward and her eyes widen.

"I mean my period. I haven't gotten it. I think I may be pregnant."

What. The. f.u.c.k?

My eyes shoot laser beams at Lauren. What the h.e.l.l is she talking about? "But you're on the pill," I remind her, grasping at freaking straws because I know she's not lying. Lauren Layton never tells lies.

She shrugs calmly. "It's not one hundred percent accurate. Sometimes, these things happen." She stands up and walks toward me slowly. Her fingertips squeeze my wrist. And it feels like a f.u.c.king vise.

"It's impossible. We've always used a condom," I remind her.

She shrugs. And it's strange, because she doesn't seem nearly as upset as I am. Maybe it's because she's already had time to process this information? No, it doesn't make sense. We've always been careful. I mean, what are the odds of getting pregnant when you're on the pill AND using condoms.

"When?" I swallow, the word getting stuck in my throat.

"I should have gotten it two days ago."

I nod automatically. "Oh, well maybe it's just stress. I mean, you do tend to get worked up about school and grades and stuff. Mid-semester exams just ended ..."

She shakes her head. "I don't think that's it. I think I'm really pregnant." She looks at me and practically beams. "I know we're not technically together, but, Zack..." she pauses as she kneels before me "...think about it. We'll be amazing parents. And now we'll always be connected."

What the h.e.l.l is she talking about? Something is off. She's way too happy about this. I mean a baby, right now, would completely derail her plans for medical school, something she's been focused on for years. Something isn't adding up.

"How do you feel?" I ask instead, suddenly worried about her mental health.

She shrugs again. "Pretty good. I mean, I'm just excited you know?"

I stare at her. Her eyes are bright, her cheeks flushed. She does look excited, elated, as if all her dreams are coming true. Did she plan this?

A moment of anger tears through me at the thought, but I rein it in. Lauren would never do something like that, she's too sweet, too thoughtful.

She walks back to the bed and sits down. "Don't worry, baby," she coos, and I wince at the endearment. "Everything will be fine. I know this isn't what we planned but we would make a beautiful family together. I just know it."

I stare at her and am shocked when I realize that I don't believe her. If Lauren really is pregnant, it can't be my baby.

That night I barely sleep at all. Even though I'm so exhausted I can't think straight, I'm plagued by errant thoughts the entire night. Something is up with Lauren, she didn't seem entirely sane as she gushed and showed me baby onesies on Google. I can't put my finger on it, but I don't actually think she's pregnant. Could this be her way for us to get back together? D'Arco's words about her being a bit unsettled after our breakup junior year come back to me. But what if she is telling the truth? What if she is pregnant with my baby?

Watching the clock tick slowly from 11:00 PM to 3:00 AM is almost as depressing as the thought that I'm going to have to marry Lauren. I shift in bed to stare at my bedroom wall. I guess it could be worse. Most guys would kill for a shot with Lauren. Never mind marry her. She's beautiful, smart, sweet, and the poster woman for faithful wife and devoted mother. I face plant my pillow, squeezing my eyes shut tight. They burn.

Could I even be a good father? My dad was amazing. I mean, he was a bit too much with going to church and having a work ethic and morals and all that, too strict a lot would say, but he was always there. He provided well for our family; Nicole and I never did without. He taught me how to catch a baseball, throw a football, and fish. I could do that, right? I could teach a little guy how to bait a hook.

At 4:00 AM I think I doze off. Maybe.

My alarm sounds at 5:00 AM for practice. I turn it off quickly, relieved to get up even though I'm so tired I can't think straight. I just need to get out of my bedroom, away from the memories of last night. Once I'm in the Erg room, focused on my workout, I won't have the energy to think about anything else. I practically run to practice.

Chapter Thirty-Two.

Maura

My week pa.s.ses quickly as I read up on everything I can about pregnancy. I'm taking a prenatal vitamin every morning, have completely eradicated caffeine from my diet, ditched all the booze and cigarettes, and began incorporating some gentle yoga poses into my daily stretching routine. I'm drinking lots of water, getting extra rest in the form of a mid-afternoon nap, and made an appointment at Planned Parenthood. Once I have a dating ultrasound, I'll have a better idea of sorting out who the father is. I think. Actually, I hope. And I freaking pray it isn't Hector.

Now that I'm not existing in a hungover fog, I'm managing to complete my course a.s.signments faster and am happy that school seems to be going well. Even Photography. Our series of mini-a.s.signments have been paying off, and I see a huge difference in the quality of photos I'm taking. This week's a.s.signment focused on depth, which I think will be very important for my final project. I have a few exams before Thanksgiving but other than that, nothing pressing to do. Thank G.o.d I'm taking mostly electives this semester.

I still haven't told my friends about the pregnancy. I don't know why; I know they won't judge me. At least not too harshly. But I don't have any of the answers to the questions they'll surely ask: Who's the father? How far along are you? When are you due? What did your parents say? Are you going to quit crew? Are you going to graduate?

I still have no idea. So I'll take it one day at a time until I have to confide in someone. For now, I'm just grateful that that day isn't today.

I take the bus to Planned Parenthood for my appointment on Thursday morning. I'm skipping Photography to be here but it was the first appointment the receptionist had open, and I didn't want to lose the spot. Walking down the street to the office, I zip up my coat and wrap my scarf tighter around my neck. I'm about to cross the street when a familiar-looking girl reaches for the door of Planned Parenthood and ducks inside. I narrow my eyes. I know her. Before the door closes completely, she turns slightly and I see her face.

Lauren Layton.

Zack's ex-girlfriend.

My breath freezes in my diaphragm. Tears p.r.i.c.k the corners of my eyes, and I'm not sure why. Is Lauren pregnant? Why else would she be at Planned Parenthood? I mean, I'm sure she has health insurance so I can't think of why she would be here if she wasn't pregnant and didn't want her parents to know, like me. Does Zack know?

Why do I care? It's not like he and I are anything. A tear leaks out and trails down my cheek. I swipe it away with the back of my glove. Seriously, Maura? Stop crying and pull yourself together.

Maybe it's not Zack's?

Oh G.o.d, who am I kidding? Lauren is completely hung up on Zack. I remember Adrian telling me how she practically stalked him after they broke up last year.

Maybe she's not even pregnant? Maybe she just needs a birth control refill?

Still, I can't go in there. She'll see me and then what will I say? That I'm just there for a birth control refill too? How freaking awkward.

A car horn blasts loudly, and I jump. "Get out of the f.u.c.king road!" The driver yells out a cracked window.

I step back onto the sidewalk automatically. Taking one last glance at the door to Planned Parenthood, I walk back to the bus stop and wait.

The next available appointment is next week. Sigh. In the meantime, I devote myself to a daily routine so rigid I don't have time to think about anything else. On Friday, I receive a text message from Zack.

Zack: Hey, Maura. Long time no see. How're you doing?

Why is he texting me? Does he want to tell me he's going to be a father?

Me: Hey. Yeah, crazy busy over here. How are you? Are you guys ready for the regatta tomorrow?

Several minutes pa.s.s before he answers.

Zack: Thanks, I'm okay. Yeah, hope so. Want to grab breakfast on Sunday?

What? He's asking me out? Is he kidding me?

Zack: Things here have gone to s.h.i.t, and I could really use some of your smart-a.s.s cynicism.

I laugh. Does that mean he knows about the baby? Jeez, Maura, stop speculating. It's obvious he needs a friend since he reached out to me. He must really be missing Adrian at a time like this.

Me: Sure. That sounds good.

Zack: Cool. Wanna meet at Leo's diner at 11:00 AM?

Me: OK. See you Sunday.

No need to read into anything. It's just breakfast between two friends. Who both may be on the verge of parenthood. In college. Nothing at all weird about that.

Chapter Thirty-Three.

Zack

Lauren's been oscillating between moody and distant and elated and surprising me at home all week. She's acting completely crazy but Google told me women in their first trimester may be emotional as a result of all the hormones, so I'm trying to be understanding of her erratic behavior.

I've tried to step up and be here for her. I really have. I've accepted my role in all of this and know that I can be a loving father to our baby and, if Lauren really is pregnant, a faithful partner to her. I mean, my parents would never accept anything less than a marriage proposal. I will provide for them both and do my best to make sure they have everything they need. But first I want to make sure Lauren really is pregnant, and if she is ... that the baby is mine.

After the Regatta on Sat.u.r.day morning, I head straight to Lauren's, skipping lunch with the team so that I can talk to Lauren in person. I know she had a blood test at Planned Parenthood this week and should receive the results this morning.

"Laur? It's Zack. Erin let me in," I say as I knock gently on her bedroom door before pushing it open. She's sitting cross-legged on her bed, an old copy of Cosmopolitan next to her, when I enter. She looks up at me, her eyes wide, her face pale.

"Are you okay?" I ask her.

She hangs her head for a moment and I hear the quiet sniffling of tears.

"Lauren? What's wrong?" I ask gently, kneeling by her side and taking her hand in my own. It's cold.

"Oh, Zack," she says as a torrent of tears gush forth.

I take her into my arms and let her cry against my shoulder. Completely bewildered, not to mention incredibly uncomfortable, I have no freaking clue what is going on but know that this is not the best time to bombard her with questions.

After a few minutes, her tears gradually subside. She takes a deep breath and looks up at me, her blue eyes deep with too many emotions to read. "Planned Parenthood called this morning while you were at the regatta. They got my blood results and I'm not pregnant." Lauren holds up her cell phone. "About fifteen minutes ago, I finally got my period." Tears well up in her eyes again as she falls back into my arms.

Holy s.h.i.t. She's not pregnant? I'm not going to be a father. Thank G.o.d. This is the best news I've heard all week. Why the h.e.l.l is Lauren crying?

"Laur? Why are you so upset? This is good right? I mean, we're too young to be parents. We're not even in a relationship. Becoming parents at our age is difficult no matter what but trying to balance careers and learning how to co-parent would be tough. You want to go to med school next year," I remind her.

She looks up at me, her cheeks blotchy from crying. "I just thought, I don't know. That if we were having a baby we would get back together, you know? I miss you, Zack. I've missed you since we first broke up. I tried to be there for you after Adrian died and you just pushed me farther away. I tried to bide my time, to wait for you to come around. And then just when I think we're getting back to a good place, you tell me you don't want to do a relationship. That you don't want to be with anyone." Her eyes widen with incredulity. "And then I find out that you're always with Maura Rodriguez. Are you kidding me? You're going to date her and not me?"

Is she f.u.c.king serious?