Scuse Me While I Kill This Guy Part 13

She actually rolled her eyes at me. "Not like these, you haven't. I don't have to tell you how plants take carbon dioxide from the air and turn it into oxygen."

Now I rolled my eyes. "Duh."

"Well, this will give FTD a run for its money. These babies do the reverse. They emit a gas to stun the Vic, then suck oxygen from the air and turn it into carbon dioxide."

I felt like she'd slapped me. "Are you serious?"

She nodded proudly. "I've been working on it for years. I've managed to come up with the perfect hybrid. All you do is pot several of these together and deliver them. Of course, they have to be inside to work effectively."

My excitement waned a bit. "So, how do you know they'll work?"

She put her hands on her hips. "Honestly, Gin! I tried it! It can take out a man in a small apartment in a couple of days."

I wasn't sure I wanted to know who she tried it on, but I was really thrilled over this. Unfortunately, it would never make Botany Today Magazine Botany Today Magazine for, well, obvious reasons. Missi's genius would once more go unrecognized by the rest of the world. for, well, obvious reasons. Missi's genius would once more go unrecognized by the rest of the world.

"Can we send some of these to Richie's room?" I asked, only slightly joking.

"I wish," Missi said, "but I don't want him to know I even have this stuff." She shuddered. "In fact, I always hope he forgets I'm here. That dumb-a.s.s takes credit for my gadgets. Remember the personal groomer debacle?"

Did I ever. Missi had created a nose-hair trimmer that when activated, fired a laser into the victim's skull via the nasal pa.s.sages. Richie told the Council he invented it. Only he set the frequency too high and it blew Vic's head clean off. When he learned the Council was p.i.s.sed about it, he recanted and pointed the finger at Missi. See? I wasn't the only one who hated the son of a b.i.t.c.h.

I looked around. "You're still working on the Richinator, right?"

Missi nodded and grinned. Her dream invention would take Richie out completely during a hit. There were hundreds of prototypes, but nothing satisfactory yet. I lived lived for that day. for that day.

"Have you seen him yet?"

"No. Hey! Maybe he won't come and I can hunt him down or something."

Missi shot me a look. "Do you really want to get that close to him?"

We laughed and spent another hour talking about work. When I left her workshop, I had this renewed sense of purpose. Missi always motivated me.

"Family meeting at four," Liv told me as I walked into our rooms.

"Already?" I shouldn't have been surprised. After all, they always did this. First comes registration and an ice-breaker, then keynote dinner and chocolate reception. At least we didn't have to wear name tags.

Tomorrow would be our individual evaluations with the Council, and the last day would be all about the rituals. Alta and Romi would have a sitter tonight-kids were excluded because they were usually bored to death. They would be involved in the ritual, then Liv and I would have our bungalow slumber party and we'd all go home.

At three-thirty, Luis arrived to baby-sit, and Liv and I went down to the conference center to check in. Mom and Uncle Pete were running the registration table. That meant Dak and Woody were around somewhere.

"Dad!" Liv called out. "Where's Woody?"

Uncle Pete winked at her. "Dak took him up to your room. We just got in, and Mom stuck us with this job."

My mother looked less enthusiastic. "I think we did this last time too." She handed me a large brown envelope. "Ginny, your meeting time with the Council is nine a.m. tomorrow. You won't be late, will you?" Her eyes were full of worry.

"Mom! I'm almost forty! Quit treating me like a kid!" I spun on my heel and walked away. You might think this was some big act of defiance, but in reality, we went through this ritual once a week.

"You know what?" Liv said once we were settled in our seats in the auditorium. We always tried to sit in the back. Actually, everyone tried to sit in the back. No one wanted anyone behind them in this room. "It feels like we were just here."

I rolled my eyes. "It's only been a year since the last meeting."

Liv looked at me for a moment. "That must be it."

The room filled up quickly, with most of my relatives sitting near immediate family. Mom, Pete, Dak and Paris slipped into the seats we'd been saving for them.

The Council a.s.sembled on the stage at a long table. Grandma was flanked by Lou on the left and Dela on the right. Her cousins, Troy and Florence, represented the European branch of the family and sat farther down. All I could think was that they looked old.

I wondered how long it would be before Mom and Pete joined their cousins to form the Council. Now that would be creepy. I'm not going to let Mom slide with any of that Council secrecy bulls.h.i.t either.

Everyone in the room stood up to identify themselves, but we knew everybody already. Then came announcements. No icebreaker-which I was happy with because it was idiotic, and there was an announcement that the ropes course was being repaired. Hey! I might actually enjoy this trip! Hey! I might actually enjoy this trip! Once again we were reminded to go inside from four p.m. to five p.m. every day to avoid the satellites. Blah, blah, blah. Once again we were reminded to go inside from four p.m. to five p.m. every day to avoid the satellites. Blah, blah, blah.

The one thing missing from the announcements was why the h.e.l.l we were all here. Uncle Lou stood and dismissed us to the dining room for dinner. Sounded like a normal business conference, didn't it? It was, right down to the rubber chicken on the plate in front of me.

Liv munched on her vegetarian lasagna and we settled into a simple conversation of pleasantries with the family. Mom, Pete, Liv, me, Dak and Paris-your average family of a.s.sa.s.sins at an average family reunion.

CHAPTER TWENTY.

Tom Stall: In this family, we do not solve problems by hitting people! In this family, we do not solve problems by hitting people!Jack Stall: No, in this No, in this family family we shoot them! we shoot them!

-A History of Violence

Grandma stepped up to the microphone to start the keynote. Unlike normal conferences or conventions where you have an interesting speaker from outside the organization, our speaker was almost always a member of the Council. And they were all awful speakers. I groaned inwardly.

"Family is the most important thing we have," Grandma began. I started to tune out until her words sounded like the adults on Charlie Brown cartoons.

Instead, I focused on the tables around me. Actually, there weren't that many, only four in fact. And we were dead center.

To our right was Uncle Lou's family, with Mom's cousins York and Georgia and their kids, Sydney, Coney (Island) and Rich(mond)ie. Sydney's son, Clinton, and daughter, Savannah, were adults now, just starting their careers. Richie hadn't procreated (or wasn't allowed to).

On our left was Dela's family, with Cali, Missi, and Missi's twin sons, Monty and Jack. They sat with Cali's brother, Montana, and his unmarried children Lon(don) and Phil(adelphia). They reminded me of Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd, the gay a.s.sa.s.sins from the James Bond flick Diamonds Are Forever. Diamonds Are Forever.

The last table had the Europeans. Troy's daughter, Burma; her daughter, India; and granddaughter, Delhi (who was fifteen and would be making her first hit soon). Flo's daughter, Asia; granddaughter, Holland; and nineteen-year-old great-granddaughter, Madrid, joined them.

The European branch of the family only ever had one child each. I didn't know why that was, but it didn't really matter. I liked them. They seemed so mature. Or maybe it was just the accents.

Actually, I liked pretty much everyone. When we'd been in college, Liv and I would visit other family members during the summer breaks. Our brothers, Dakota and Paris, usually spent more time with the Europeans-especially at the family chalet in Switzerland. They skied constantly, always with new Scandinavian girls on their arms. And everyone doted on them. b.a.s.t.a.r.ds.

Grandma was onstage, wrapping up her speech. I should've been a little ashamed that I didn't hear it, but from the looks on my family's faces, it was a real yawner.

The chocolate reception was the only thing I liked about these reunions. Every possible use you could think of for chocolate was there. And everything was in theme.

For instance, there were chocolate licorice garrotes, milk chocolate hand-guns, white chocolate asps, M & M's with skulls and crossbones on them, dark chocolate stilettos (and I don't mean shoes) and chocolate mousse "poisons" in edible gla.s.s candy test tubes. And milk. Lots of milk. That was the best part. Who can drink anything but milk with chocolate?

Anyway, I was at the fondue table drowning sponge cake bodies in the melted chocolate, when someone tapped me on the shoulder.

"Hey, Gin," Richie's asthmatic voice wheezed.

I ignored him.

The finger tapped harder, probably leaving bruises. "Gin!"

I turned with a sigh. I had to get this over with. "Oh, hi, Richie."

"So how are ya?" he asked with a slimy smile. Just looking at him made me lose my appet.i.te. I should've killed him just for that.

"Just fine. How about you?" I had to force these words through my teeth.

Richie shrugged. "I'm training to be a ninja. Took out four guys last month."

This was all bulls.h.i.t. He had to know I knew that. "Really? Were you supposed to do that?" I asked innocently.

Richie's fat cheeks flamed red. "Yes. I was. The Council knows I can handle it and so they've been stepping up the a.s.signments." He started to cool down, waving his hand nonchalantly. "And the ninja thing is mainly for the chicks."

Now I wanted to vomit. "Is that right?" I managed.

He nodded. "Well, I've always had a natural talent with the martial arts," he paused dramatically, "and with the ladies."

I started to laugh and milk came out of my nose. I a.s.sumed when he said "ladies," he meant the latex, blow-up kind.

"I suppose I should settle down someday," he mused, ignoring my giggle fit. "But it really wouldn't be fair to just choose one woman."

I guffawed. I wanted to say something very sarcastic about his so-called way with women, but instead I shoved two or three pieces of cake victims in my mouth to stop myself. Of course, this caused me to choke violently.

Before I knew what was happening, Richie yelped, "I'll save you!" The son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h wrapped his arms around me, trying to crush my ribs to get the food out. I couldn't breathe, but I was thinking nothing could be worse than having that dumb-a.s.s save my life.

The food remained lodged in my wind-pipe as Richie squeezed me again and again. He wasn't doing it right, and I had the feeling I was turning blue. I brought my arms up, forcing Richie to release me and threw myself onto my own fist on the back of the chair. The pressure on my sternum popped the slimy chunk of cake out of my mouth and I slipped to the floor.

"You saved her, Richie!" "You're a hero, boy!" Voices praised Richie all around me and I thought, That's it. I've died and gone to h.e.l.l. That's it. I've died and gone to h.e.l.l.

No such luck. Apparently, no one saw me save myself. Everyone in the whole G.o.dd.a.m.ned family thought Richie saved me. It was my worst nightmare come true. Now I really really wanted to kill him. wanted to kill him.

"Gin was eating so fast, stuffing it in like a pig." Richie's voice floated down to the floor where I lay. "I tried to stop her, but it's obvious she has an eating problem. I'd say she's put on thirty pounds since last year."

It's just twenty pounds, you moron! I struggled to get to my feet and looked at the room of amazed family members. Liv and Dak grabbed my arms and dragged me out of the room. I struggled to get to my feet and looked at the room of amazed family members. Liv and Dak grabbed my arms and dragged me out of the room.

"Let me go!" I fought them. "I have to go in there and kill him!"

But Liv and Dak wouldn't give up until I was outside by the pool.

"What were you thinking in there?" Dak asked incredulously.

"Nothing! I just crammed food into my mouth so I wouldn't say anything stupid!" I protested weakly.

"Well, now you've made him a hero!" Liv cried out.

"He didn't save me! I did!" I yelled.

Dak and Liv studied me for a moment, then exchanged arched eyebrows with each other. Great. They thought Richie really did save me. h.e.l.l, the whole Bombay family thought that!

"Focus!" Liv snapped.

I took a deep breath. "Okay. Give me a reason why I shouldn't go back in there."

Dak grinned. "We know Richie didn't do anything. Probably everyone else does too. He's not worth it, Gin."

Liv folded her arms across her chest and nodded in agreement.

"All right, then let's go to the bar. I need a triple."

"Triple what?" Liv asked.

"A triple anything."

Which is how I ended up at eight-thirty in the morning, gulping down coffee and feeling like I was dead. Great, my appointment with the Council was in half an hour and I was grotesquely hungover. My skin was clammy, and it felt like there were beetles crawling around underneath. Even my hair follicles hurt. If my family wasn't trying to kill me with humiliation, they were doing so with alcohol poisoning.

I made it to the Brutus Conference Room just in time.

"Sit down, Virginia, please," Grandma ordered. Lou, Dela, Troy and Florence all nodded.

The Council members sat in high, leather-backed seats on a platform in a semicircle around me. I sat in a simple leather chair below them, which meant psychologically I was at a disadvantage. The walls were dark with mahogany paneling. It would make a great room for a war tribunal.

Lou spoke up first. "Virginia, you have done very well with all of your a.s.signments in the last year."

What? Praise from Lou? I was sure I had a shocked look on my face.

Troy added in his clipped English accent, "Especially your last two a.s.signments. And while I think the methods were a bit..." He paused to think of the right word, "extreme, you managed it."

"My brother is understating what we all feel was a job well done," Florence said.

I sat up a little straighter in my chair. But I said nothing. You weren't allowed to speak until the Council invited you to.

Dela spoke next and I wondered if they'd all rehea.r.s.ed taking turns. "Which is why this isn't an ordinary evaluation."

Troy frowned at her, before turning to me. "I'm sure you have wondered why the reunion is taking place so soon. It is because we have a rather serious dilemma and we need you to take care of it."

My mouth dropped open at that point, only adding to my look of hungover moron. But I still didn't speak-even though I d.a.m.n well wanted to. They needed my help?