Scotch Wit and Humor Part 29

=New Style of Riding in a Funeral Procession=

The following anecdote is an amusing ill.u.s.tration of the working of a defective brain, in a half-witted carle, who used to range the county of Galloway, armed with a huge pike-staff, and who one day met a funeral procession a few miles from Wigtown.

A long train of carriages, and farmers on horseback, suggested the propriety of his bestriding his staff, and following after the funeral.

The procession marched at a brisk pace, and on reaching the kirkyard stile, as each rider dismounted, "Daft Jock" descended from his wooden steed, besmeared with mire and perspiration, exclaiming, "Heck, sirs, had it no' been for the fashion o' the thing, I micht as well hae been on my ain feet." [7]

=Absence of Humor--Ill.u.s.trated=

Few amus.e.m.e.nts in the world are funnier than the play of different ideas under similar sounds, and it would be hard to find a thing more universally understood and caught at than a pun; but there really are individuals so made that a word can mean but one thing to them, and even metaphors must go on all-fours. Lord Morpeth used to tell of a Scotch friend of his who, to the remark that some people could not feel a jest unless it was fired at them with a cannon, replied: "Weel, but how can ye fire a jest out of a cannon, man?"

=The Best Time to Quarrel=

In Lanarkshire, there lived a sma' laird named Hamilton, who was noted for his eccentricity. On one occasion, a neighbor waited on him, and requested his name as an accommodation to a bill for twenty pounds at three months date, which led to the following characteristic and truly Scottish colloquy:

"Na, na, I canna do that."

"What for no', laird? Ye hae dune the same thing for ithers."

"Ay, ay, Tammas, but there's wheels within wheels ye ken naething about; I canna do't."

"It's a sma' affair to refuse me, laird."

"Weel, ye see, Tammas, if I was to pit my name till't ye wad get the siller frae the bank, and when the time came round, ye wadna be ready, and I wad hae to pay't; sae then you and me wad quarrel; sae we mae just as weel quarrel _the noo_, as lang's the siller's in ma pouch."

=The Horse That Kept His Promise=

A laird sold a horse to an Englishman, saying, "You buy him as you see him; but he's an _honest beast_." The purchaser took him home. In a few days he stumbled and fell, to the damage of his own knees and his rider's head. On this the angry purchaser remonstrated with the laird, whose reply was, "Weel, sir, I told ye he was an honest beast; many a time has he threatened to come down with me, and I kenned he would keep his word some day."

=A "Grand" Piano=

At Glasgow, in a private house, Dr. Von Bulow, having been asked by his hostess what he thought of her piano, replied in these words: "Madam, your piano leaves something to be desired. It needs new strings," he added, in answer to the lady's inquiries as to what it really required.

"The hammers, too, want new leather," he continued; "and, while you are about it, with the new leather, you may as well have new wood. Then, when the inside of your piano has been completely renovated," he concluded, having now worked himself into a rage, "call in two strong men, throw it out of the window, and burn it in the street."

=Scottish Patriotism=

It is more common in Scotland than in England to find national feeling breaking out in national humor upon great events connected with national _history_. The following is perhaps as good as any: The Rev. Robert Scott, a Scotchman, who forgot not Scotland in his southern vicarage, tells me that at Inverary, some thirty years ago, he could not help overhearing the conversation of some Lowland cattle-dealers in the public room in which he was. The subject of the bravery of our navy being started, one of the interlocutors expressed his surprise that Nelson should have issued his signal at Trafalgar in the terms, "_England expects_," etc. He was met with the answer (which seemed highly satisfactory to the rest), "Ay, Nelson only said '_expects_' of the English; he said nothing of Scotland, for he _kent_ the _Scotch_ would do theirs."

="Purpose"--not "Performance"--Heaven's Standard=

The following occurred between a laird and an elder: A certain laird in Fife, well known for his parsimonious habits, whilst his substance largely increased did not increase his liberality, and his weekly contribution to the church collection never exceeded the sum of one penny. One day, however, by mistake he dropped into the plate at the door a five-shilling piece, but discovering his error before he was seated in his pew, hurried back, and was about to replace the crown by his customary penny, when the elder in attendance cried out, "Stop, laird; ye may put _in_ what ye like, but ye maun tak' naething _out_!"

The laird, finding his explanations went for nothing, at last said, "Aweel, I suppose I'll get credit for it in heaven." "Na, na, laird,"

said the elder, "ye'll only get credit for a penny."

=The Book Worms=

Robert Burns once met with a copy of Shakespeare in a n.o.bleman's library, the text of which had been neglected and had become worm-eaten.

It was beautifully bound. Burns at once wrote the following lines:

Through and through the inspired leaves, Ye maggots, make your windings; But oh! respect his lordship's tastes, And spare his golden bindings. [2]

="Uncertainty of Life" from Two Good Points of View=

"Ah, sir," said a gloomy-looking minister of the Scotch Kirk, addressing a stranger who was standing on the bridge of the _Lord of the Isles_, as she steamed through the Kyles of Bute, "does the thought ever occur to ye of the great oncertainty of life?"

"Indeed it does," returned the stranger, briskly, "many times a day."

"And have you ever reflected, sir," went on the minister, "that we may be launched into eternity at any instant?"

"Yes," returned the stranger, "I have thought of that, and said it, too, thousands of times."

"Indeed," e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed the parson; "then it is possible I am speaking to a brother meenister?"

"Well, no," answered the other promptly, "you are not. If you must know, I am traveling agent of the Royal Lynx Life a.s.surance a.s.sociation; and, if you are not a.s.sured, I can strongly recommend you to give our office a turn. You will find special terms for ministers in Table K of our prospectus"; and handing the astonished divine a printed leaflet from his satchel, he left him without another word.

=Providing a Mouthful for the Cow=

Old Maggie Dee had fully her share of Scotch prudence and economy. One bonnet had served her turn for upwards of a dozen years, and some young ladies who lived in the neighborhood, in offering to make and present her with a new one, asked whether she would prefer silk or straw as material.

"Weel, my la.s.sies," said Maggie, after mature deliberation, "since ye insist on giein' me a bonnet, I think I'll tak' a strae ane; it will, maybe, juist be a mou'fu' to the coo when I'm through wi't."

=A Poor Place for a Cadger=

An English traveler had gone on a fine Highland road so long, without having seen an indication of fellow-travelers, that he became astonished at the solitude of the country; and no doubt before the Highlands were so much frequented as they are in our time, the roads had a very striking aspect of solitariness. Our traveler at last coming up to an old man breaking stones, he asked him if there was any traffic on this road--was it at _all_ frequented?

"Ay," he said, "it's no' ill at that; there was a cadger body yestreen, and there's yoursell the day."

=The Kirk of Lamington=

As cauld a wind as ever blew, A caulder kirk, and in't but few; As cauld a minister's e'er spak', Ye'se a' be het ere I come back. [2]

="Lost Labor"=

One of Dr. Macknight's parishioners, a humorous blacksmith, who thought his pastor's writing of learned books was a sad waste of time, being asked if the doctor was at home, answered: "Na, na; he's awa to Edinbro'

on a foolish job."