Scotch Wit and Humor Part 10

=The Journeyman Dog=

A gentleman, staying in the family of a sheep-farmer, remarked that daily as the family sat down to dinner a shepherd's dog came in, received its portion, and soon after disappeared.

"I never see that dog except at dinner," said the visitor.

"The reason is," said the farmer, "we've lent him to oor neibor, Jamie Nicol, and we telt him to come hame ilka day to his dinner. When he gets his dinner, puir beast, he gaes awa' back till his wark."

=Church Economy=

A congregation was once looking out for a minister, and after hearing a host of candidates with more or less popular gifts, their choice fell upon a sticket probationer, whose election caused great surprise in the country.

One of the hearers was afterward asked by an eminent minister how the congregation could have brought themselves to select such a minister.

His reply was quite characteristic: "Weel, we had twa or three reasons--first, naebody recommended him; then he was nae studier, and besides, he had money in the bank."

It appeared that of the two former ministers, who had not come up to expectation, one of them had brought flaming testimonials, and the other had buried himself among his books, so that the people never saw him but in the pulpit, while the third reason was, perhaps the most cogent of all, for the people did not care to burden themselves with a too generous support of their pastor.

In another case the minister usurped the functions of session and committee, and ignored the office bearers altogether. One of the elders observed to another one Sunday morning, as the minister was trotting up to the meeting-house on his smart little pony, "It's a fine wee powny the minister rides."

"Ay," said the other, "it's a gey strange ane; it can carry minister, session, and committee without turnin' a hair."

=Tired of Standing=

A Paisley man, visiting Glasgow, much admired the statue of Sir John Moore, which is an erect figure. Soon afterwards he brought another Paisley man to see the statue, but not being topographically posted, he stared at the statue of James Watt, which is in a sitting att.i.tude.

Feeling somewhat puzzled as to the ident.i.ty of what was before him with what he recollected to have seen, he disposed of the difficulty by exclaiming: "Odds, man, he's sat down since I last saw him!"

=Religious Loneliness=

"How is your church getting on?" asked a friend of a religious Scotchman, who had separated in turn from the Kirk, the Free Church, the United Presbyterian, and several lesser bodies.

"Pretty weel, pretty weel. There's naebody belongs to it now but my brither and mysel', and I am sure o' Sandy's soundness."

=Prison Piety=

Every place has its advantages, even the lock-up. A Scotch "gentleman,"

who had been guilty of some irregularity that demanded his compulsory withdrawal from polite society for sixty days, was asked, after his release, as to how he "got on."

"Weel," replied he, "ye see, a body canna hae everything in this life; and I'm no gaun to misca' the place, no' me. For a' the time I was there--just twa months, note, by-the-by--I was weel proteckit frae the wiles o' a wickit worl' outside, while my 'bread was aye gi'en me and my water sure.'"

=A Successful Tradesman=

One day, during a snow storm, the Rev. George More was riding from Aberdeen to a village in the vicinity of the town. He was enveloped in a Spanish cloak, and had a shawl tied round his neck and shoulders. These loose garments, covered with snow, and waving in the blast, startled the horse of a "bag-man," who chanced to ride past. The alarmed steed plunged, and very nearly threw its rider, who exclaimed:

"Why, sir, you would frighten the very devil!"

"I am glad to hear that," said Mr. More, "for it's just my trade."

=Multum in Parvo=

A Highland porter, observing a stranger looking intently on the Rev. Dr.

Candlish, who was of small stature, said, "Ay, tak' a gude look--there's no muckle _o'_ him, but there's a deal _in_ him!"

=When a.s.ses May Not Be Parsons=

In the pulpit one-half of Dr. Guthrie's rich nature was necessarily restrained. He could be pathetic there, but not humorous; though we did once hear him begin a sermon by saying that G.o.d on one occasion used an a.s.s to preach to a sinner, but that He was not in the way of using a.s.ses when He could get better instruments!

=A Scotch Version of the Lives of Esau and Jacob=

Within the grounds of Hamilton Palace, in the west of Scotland, is a mausoleum. The walls are ornamented with bas-reliefs forming Bible ill.u.s.trations. These have been paraphrased in verse by a local bard. One of the series is a history of Jacob, and from it the following extracts are taken. The brothers are thus introduced:

When Esau and Jacob were boys, A wild boy Esau was; Jacob was a peaceable boy, But Esau loved the chase.

One day from hunting he came home, A hungry man was he; Jacob some famous pottage had, Which soon caught Esau's e'e.

Rebekah instructs Jacob in the proposed deception of Isaac, but he is fearful of discovery. The former replies:

No fear of that, my darling son; Just do as I direct-- I will you dress up for the scene, That he will ne'er suspect.

Jacob obeys:

Away he went as he was bid, And quickly he them slew; His mother straightway did them cook And made a fav'rite stew.

Isaac is suspicious of Jacob:

Then Isaac unto Jacob said, "Come near to me, I pray, That I may _feel_ it is the truth That unto me you say."

Then Jacob he went unto him, And he his hands did feel.

"The hands are Esau's hands, my son, But it's like Jacob's squeal."

="Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady"=

An anecdote is told of Professor Haldane, of St. Andrews, one of the most estimable of men, yet, in spite of a pleasing person, a genial manner, a good house and a handsome competency, he was well-advanced in life before he could make up his mind to marry. When it was reported that he had fitted up his house afresh, it was supposed that he was going to change his state. On a given day, at an hour unusually early for a call, the good doctor was seen at the house of a lady for whom he had long been supposed to have a predilection, and betraying much excitement of manner till the door was opened.

As soon as he was shown in, and saw the fair one whom he sought calmly engaged in knitting stockings, and not at all disturbed by his entrance, his courage, like that of Bob Acres, began to ooze out, and he sat himself down on the edge of the chair in such a state of pitiable confusion as to elicit the compa.s.sion of the lady in question. She could not understand what ailed him, but felt instinctively that the truest good breeding would be to take no notice of his embarra.s.sment, and lead the conversation herself.

Thus, then, she opened fire: "Weel, doctor, hae ye got through a' your papering and painting yet?" (A clearing of the throat preparatory to speech, but not a sound uttered.) "I'm told your new carpets are just beautifu'." (A further effort to clear the throat.) "They say the pattern o' the dining-room chairs is something quite out o' the way. In short, that everything aboot the house is perfect."

Here was a providential opening he was not such a goose as to overlook.

He screwed up his courage, advanced his chair, sidled toward her, simpering the while, raised his eyes furtively to her face, and said, with a gentle inflection of his voice which no ear but a wilfully deaf one could have misinterpreted: "Na, na, Miss J----n, it's no' _quite_ perfect; it canna be quite that so lang as there's ae thing wanting!"