Sasami-san @ Ganbaranai Vol 2 Chapter 17

VOLUME 2

Chapter 17: My Beloved Mother

“Sasamisaan~~.”

My brother was calling me.

I didn’t answer but just curled up into a ball on my bed.

I had already taken three days off from school.

I could blame the drugs that had been forced into my system at the Tsukuyomi Shrine or just the exhaustion that had built up from those events, but the real problem was more psychological.

There was the confrontation with my mother, her words and her actions, and then our eternal farewell.

All those things had forced me to look back at myself and reflect on my actions. They had opened wounds that I could no longer ignore.

I couldn’t stand being a Tsukuyomi miko; so, I escaped from reality and greatly betrayed the expectations of my elders… that fact was now painfully clear to me.

I had also trampled on the promise I made with my mother on her deathbed.

— Take care of the world for me.

— Leave it to me, mom.

I was a liar.

“Sasami-saaan~~.”

My brother now also began to knock on the door.

He usually would just unlock the door and barge in without asking, but one time he did that and I ferociously snapped at him and showered him with abuse, so now he learned to be a bit more careful and tactful.

Sorry, oniichan… for making you worry.

I’m not going to sit here and sulk forever.

I also wanted to put on my clothes, pick up my schoolbag, open the door, and go to school.

That’s exactly what I had wished for.

Until I had betrayed my mother’s trust, that’s what I had desired.

But, the minute I stepped out of my room, I felt nauseous.

“Tsukuyomi miko.” “Power of the Supreme G.o.d.” “A world convenient for humans.” All these buzzwords buzzed around in the back of my head, and my mother’s voice echoed in my skull.

I would feel nauseous and lock myself in my room. That had happened over and over these past few days.

I don’t think my mother had cursed me or anything.

No, the problem was with my own mind.

I was weak, so I had caught myself in my own mental trap. Is it really okay for me to just keep on looking out for only my own happiness and keep on living peacefully when it means trampling on everyone else’s feelings and even forcing my mom to become a monster crawling its way back from the Underworld? That’s all I could think about.

When I smiled, I suddenly could hear my mother’s voice in my head.

When I began to think I was happy, I suddenly smelled something rotting.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Sasami-san, please at least try to eat something.”

I could hear my brother.

I had a long history of being a hikikomori, so he was used to behavior like this and could deal with it pretty calmly.

… Had I regressed into shutting myself in again?

I didn’t really have the energy to speak right now. I could only manage to move my lips in that dark room.

You don’t have to tell me that. I won’t die if I don’t eat for a little bit, I thought.

Just put the food in front of the door. I’ll eat it later.

“Understood.”

Seems like the message got across.

“Your oniichan made you his delicious special ramen today~~. If you don’t eat it quickly it’ll go stale. Also, there’s some of your oniichan’s love for dessert~~.”

I don’t need the dessert, so take that back with you.

“Understood. That’s too bad…”

The message got across?!

“Well, jokes aside, there was also a package delivered today, so I’ll also set that outside your door. If you need anything at all, I’ll be downstairs~~.”

My brother left off with those kind words and slowly left.

… A package?

I wonder what it is… I was really curious, but I didn’t have the willpower to get up.

“… Hm?”

My cell phone was blinking.

Maybe Kagami was calling me.

She had already sent me lots and lots of emails.

Kagami was in way worse shape than I was too, but here she was worrying about me…

I slowly dragged my cell phone up before my eyes, and then felt a wave of surprise.

It was from a number I didn’t recognize.

And yet, even though I didn’t remember ever adding this number to my contact list, the name “Tsurugi-chan” was displayed on my cell phone screen.

“Tsurugi…?”

Tsurugi had fallen into the Underworld, and she shouldn’t have returned yet.

I hurriedly pushed the accept b.u.t.ton on my phone and put my ear to the receiver.

“h.e.l.lo…?”

”Ah, the call got through! It’s me, it’s me! I got into a car accident you see, and I gotta pay some damages, so please transfer over five-hundred-thousand yen!”

Why did she sound like she was trying to scam me?

Well, granted, now I was sure this was Tsurugi.

“What’s wrong, Tsurugi…? Also, weren’t you supposed to be in the Underworld…?”

”Yeah. What’s wrong with you too? Geez, you sound gloomy… ahh, I tried my best to alter this phone so I could get this call all the way through to you. Let’s try to keep this short so I don’t get tired out. ‘Kay?”

Now that I thought about it, she also had altered a phone so she could talk to Tama while Tama was in that UFO thing, right?

Cell phones sure were convenient.

”Well, anyways, thought I’d just call ya. I won’t be back until I beat up my c.o.c.ky idiot of a little brother some more, so take care of my sisters for me. Those girls are probably so lonely without me and bawling their eyes out every day, so be sure you watch over them for me… fufufufu.”

“Actually, from what I’ve seen in Kagami’s emails, all the gaps in her heart are being filled by that bunny she started raising, so I think they’ll be okay for now.”

What a resilient lot.

At any rate, I guess this brother, Susanoo, that Tsurugi was talking about was the mastermind behind this entire fair.

This was Tsurugi we were talking about, so she would probably take care of everything and then come back like nothing had happened.

”The Ame-no-Murak.u.mo is my avatar, and I left it over there before coming down, so I’m going to use it like Ariadne’s thread to find my way back. Well, I don’t think you’ll really understand even if I explain it all, so just don’t worry! It’s not like I’m dead, and I sure as h.e.l.l don’t want to stay down here for too much longer, so I’ll be back in a jiffy.”

As always, she was talking about something miraculous but in the most casual tone in the world.

”Ah, also… I wanted to talk to you about your mother…”

I heard Tsurugi pause (which was rare for her), and after a few moments she began to speak. But this time there was no hint of joking in her voice.

”When I dragged her back into Yomotsu Hirasaka, she had already been mostly eaten by Tama and was almost completely in pieces. But she’s not completely gone, so give it time and she might recover her spiritual energy and might even revive. But she shouldn’t be able to do anything for now… that’s all.”

“I-I see…”

I didn’t know how to respond to that.

My mother should’ve been able to rest peacefully in the afterlife, but I disturbed her.

And when she was a living corpse, I had caused her trouble, hurt her, and betrayed her… I had trampled her beneath me.

”Don’t get too hung up about it… well, I guess you’re going to even if I tell you not to. But, you went so far as to turn your blade towards your own mother to get on this path you’re walking, so if you give up and stop now, that would just be disrespectful. Just keep looking forwards and walk on, okay? Promise Tsurugi-chan you’ll do that.”

Tsurugi finished that with a bit of cheerfulness seeping back into her voice, but then she seemed to remember something.

”Ah right, when I was tumbling down back into Yomotsu Hirasaka with your mom, I think she dropped something. It’s not like I’m trying to send you random souvenirs or anything, but… it had your scent on it, so I thought it might’ve been yours or something and delivered it to you.”

“Eh… what could it be?”

I honestly had no idea.

Also, you can send mail from the Underworld?

Well, I guess she probably used an alteration to be able to do that.

”I’m getting pretty tired, so I’m hanging up.”

“Ah, wait, Tsurugi… U-Umm, thanks, for calling.”

I had to thank everyone. Kagami, Tama, and my brother too…

I might’ve gotten hurt, but it’s not like I had gone completely off course and had fallen into the depths of h.e.l.l.

And it was everyone… who had saved me. Because of everyone, I had managed to come back.

So, I really had to go give my thanks to each and every one of them.

“I’m going to try hard. For a bit more. I’ll rest for a bit longer, but then I’ll try hard again.”

”Yeah. Just don’t overdo it… good luck.”

Tsurugi spoke to me in the kindest, strictest tone in the world before I heard her voice cut out.

I stared off into s.p.a.ce for a while.

I suddenly remembered something, and managed to drag my heavy, lead-like body out of bed.

I had been bed-ridden for a long time, so I could feel my joints creak.

I felt a bit dizzy, but I softly walked to the door and opened it.

I saw a tray there, steam still rising from the bowl of ramen resting on it.

And also… a package that looked insanely ordinary for just having come from the Underworld.

I squatted down and began to awkwardly peel away the packaging.

“………”

A stuffed bunny appeared.

It was a bit bloodstained though.

–

— “Ah, dammit. This is hard… I really want that bunny rabbit over there…”

— “Leave this to your mother.”

–

“Uuu, uuu… uuu.”

Tears began to flow.

It felt like a giant dam of emotion had broken all at once, and each feeling was condensing and leaking out of my eyes one by one as tears.

I picked up that stuffed bunny… the extremely ordinary stuffed bunny, but the only thing I had ever gotten with my mom while shopping… and hugged it close to me.

I felt no warmth. Just loss, and guilt…

And a dull pain running through my heart.

“Uwaaah, uuu, aahhhh…”

I cried.

And gasped for air like a newborn calf.

I loved my mother.

I wanted to become like my mother.

But, even in death, my mother would never forgive me.